when is sex just sex...and when is it more?

[smile]

Ok so I have a question. If a guy wants you exclusively... (wants you sexually) even after the breakup (9 mos ago), a new gf, and a 5 week tour does that mean anything? I mean I know sex is sex but no one person is THAT good.

 

Ok so here is the deal. He called me last night and said he couldnt wait to come home. It was one of the first times he has been alone this whole trip. We talked for a while and it sorta turned into phone sex.

 

He asked if I had sex since he had been gone. Now as a girl that meant to me.."you are a free agent you know" but to boys I know they say that was his way of checking to see we you were on the same page about only being with eachother. He hadnt had sex with anyone either , but when he said it it was like I was supposed to know that. Does that make sense?

 

Anyway he then went on about how much he missed me and how he wanted to see me. When we were having phone sex before he had been with this girl who was physically everything I wasnt. He was out on the town being a rockstar ya know? And he still would call me. He would say that he knew it was wrong but he couldnt help wanting me.

 

I am so nothing special in that dept. I am pretty petite and I have no special tricks ya know?

 

I guess as far as guys go... how important is the sexual connection when considering second chances in a relationship? And should I let myself feel pretty positive about the fact that he hasnt wanted anyone but me? I mean he has been on tour.. he is in a band for goodness sakes , staying at houses meeting ppl eevrynight at bars.... in all honesty if he wanted to he would have sex.

 

But when he is leaving the bar or getting ready for bed he calls me. And this is the first time it has turned into phone sex. So far on this trip it has been how much he misses CA and where he went and what he did that day.

 

He said I could call him too. Guys say that when they want you to show more interest ... is that right? I mean I hear so much from guys I am around.... but what do you guys think?

He also talks about going on trips with me... *sigh*... I am afraid of being happy about things... that sucks. .....

 

How do you know when its just about sex or when the sex is his man excuse for emotional intimacy with you?

[XNemesisX]

This is a tough question that I bet guys could answer better...but I think that if the guy wants to make sure it is exclusive sex between the both of you and makes it a point to ask you if you have had sex with anyone else since him....then there could potentially be deeper feelings there.

 

OR

 

He just wants to keep you for sex and is asking you if you have had sex with anyone else because he:

a. wants to make sure he doesn't put himself at risk for STD's

b. doesn't like the idea of you having sex with someone and then him having sex with you right after. Maybe the idea of that grosses him out.

[Universe]

Smile,

it's been a while since I been on LS. So I don't know where you're at exactly. But last word I got was that you wanted to get back together with him. Is this still the case? Because if he's asking for an exclusive sexual relationship, then you pretty much have him back. When your with someone for 3+ years, the whole co-ownership thing becomes extremely damaging. And it sounds to me like he is just being careful that that doesn't happen this time. You guys are still friends and spend lots of time together. You have sex. You love each other. This all makes you happy, right? So why do you have to slap a label on it? Getting "back together" implies that you are going back to the way it was. And that is a very scary thought. If you ended up breaking up before it was because you were going down an unhealthy path and had to stop and turn around. It was an accident the first time. But if you don't keep your eyes open and really get some perspective you will easily go back down the same path.

 

You don't own him. He doesn't own you. It is not only reasonable but healthy to have an exclusive sexual relationship. But that doesn't mean you have to exclude everything else. Sex involves emotions that can make it destructive to have have mutiple sex partners at the same time. It works for some people, but is generally unhealthy for most. That's not to mention the STD issues.

 

If you're both free to flirt with whomever you want and spend time with whomever you want, then you will both feel free to grow independently. You will be free of the pressures that cause people to resent one another. You will be showing each other that you truly love each other by not putting expectations or demands or boundaries on each other's experience. If you love him, you will love him for all of the decisions he makes. So give him the freedom to make them. To take away his independence would be to take away what you love about him.

 

When is sex just sex and when is it more? Sex is just sex when there is no or negligable romantic love. It is more than just sex when there is love. There's obviously love between you, so it's more than just sex. You have your sex. You have your love. While build a wall around it? Be free. Experience and appreciate each other to the fullest. Know the different between your needs to give love and his needs to be love because the way that you feel you need to love is not likely to be the way he needs to feel love. If you really love each other, you should focus on what he needs and he should focus on what you need. This way you will both feel loved by one another, your needs will be met, and you won't waste your energy giving love that is not well received.

 

I'm rambling so I'll stop. Does this answer your question?

[smile]

It does answer my question. Thank you. I think I am torn between the future and the past. Like I want things to progress into something NEW but in my head that something new is what we had but better. So I want what we had.. but I dont. I dont know if that makes sense.

 

Its just part of me wants that security we had with the lable and everything to feel better. Then an other part worries about the confines and how clausterphobic and unhealthy it was.

 

It does feel like he is trying in a sense to start over. We are talking and getting to understand eachother. It seems that we are both making very conscious efforts to communicate with eachother and definitely sort of giving eachother what they need. It feels like we are both trying.

 

I guess I am just scared. Because I want this so much. I dont want to push it , I dont want to ruin it... but I am not sure how I can handle losing it again. I think that is my biggest fear. I know thats awful and I know its no way to have a relationship. And most of the time I talk myself out of the bad stuff like making up things in my head, jumping to conclusions. But there are moments when, for no reason at all, I am afraid of feeling happy.

 

I am afraid to show too much excitement I am afraid to call him or seek him out. I am afraid of his rejection. The times I have taken a deep breath it has paid off... I called him and he was happy to hear from me. We talked for a while but then I ended the conversation. I didnt want to seem clingy.

 

Where is that line between space and aloof? We talked for 2 hours yesterday. He seems to miss me. I miss him.

 

It feels like we both want the same thing and we are both afraid of the same things. You would think that would be enough. And maybe it is... and maybe he is just moving slowly because things got so intense so fast the first time. But you cant backtrack that way. As close as we are hasnt changed and wont change. But maybe he thinks this way is better.

 

The best part is that I can prove to him I dont have the same issues I did. And what is left of that crap is so managable. I was so petrified to lose him the first time I spent most of the relationship worrying and being jealous. I didnt have time or energy or even heart to fully enjoy the time I had with him. What a regret that is.

 

But now I cant do that. And its not the time we are together that I worry. Its when I look at the long run. But I guess youre saying enjoy the now because its what I have and who knows even if tomorrow will come , right?

 

Thanks. Reading what you wrote and responding to it has given me some real peace of mind. Thank you.

[Universe]

I should tell you that it's looking like my ex and I are getting back together. A month ago we each agreed that it was best that we just be friends. After that we started hanging out more often and having tons of fun. Then this past weekend I kissed her which led to making out which led to my sleeping over (no sex). That went on for a couple days before I had to leave town for a couple days. Then yesterday had a major talk about things and then ended up hooking up. We've agreed not to put a label on anything, to keep it on the DL for now, and that we would not sleep with anyone else.

Smile, our situations continue to ring very similar.

Where is that line between space and aloof?

This is what I've found in trying to get over being needy and clingy. As I am totally in love with her, I feel these intense impulses to show her affection. It takes an incredible amount of will power to abstain when I get these impulses. And on the surface it seems like the person receiving the affection will feel loved. So by obeying these impulses you feel that you are effectively showing your love. But that's not love. That is your own need to express affection and has little or nothing to do with what the other person needs.

So the key is to be able to take a step back and observe. And you have to take time to really think about what the other person needs. Put yourself in their shoes. If you were them, how would you want to be loved. The way you express your love has to excite and stimulate the other person. You have to surprise them, tease them, and challenge them. And you have to do so gracefully. You have to look good doing it. You have to feel comfortable and secure with your expression of love.

I don't really know what you mean by being aloof.

 

Aloof = Detatched. Having no need, desire, or much (if any) awareness of other people and social relationships.

 

You are human. You are in love. You have need. You have desire. You are aware of the person you are in love with.

So acting aloof is a lie. There is a big difference between having needs and being needy. You have to inventory your needs and know why they exist. This can be pretty hard to do. But once you know and understand your needs, you start to see how reasonable they are and if it's reasonable to expect your partner to fulfill them. If your partner cannot or will not fulfill the reasonable ones, then perhaps this person isn't the one for you.

But you can't expect your partner to satisfy your needs if you are not satisying theirs. If you've been paying a lot of attention to them, then maybe they need you to back off a bit. Chances are they don't know exactly what they need at the time. But if you're thinking about it and putting yourself in their shoes, you'll be able to make a pretty good guess and act accordingly.

You can't be the victim. You are in control of yourself. But don't try to control them. Sometimes your desire will overwhelm your ability to maintain control of yourself. This can be very sexy, but you can't let it happen all the time. It has to be an honest explosion.

 

I think in both of our cases, we've established good rapport and opened communication well enough that our partners want exclusive sexual relationships. So now the most important thing is to cultivate a genuine loving relationship between two independent self-sufficient beings.

I bought an audio book for my road trip earlier this week. It was called RECEIVING LOVE by Harville Hendrix & Helen LaKelly Hunt. I recommend it. In it they talk about how our relationships with our parents directly affect our relationships with lovers. They break it down in a way that makes it easy to apply to your own situation. They talk about the most common complexes that parents pass on to their kids and how these complexes destroy your relationships. One thing that you and I both seem to have suffered from in our relationships is symbiosis/co-dependence. That's why I think it's important of both of us to allow our partners all the freedom possible. Don't think of it as temporary. It is permanent. I believe a big part of the reason they left us was to prove to themselves and us that they were free to leave. They should always have that freedom just as we should. This way all parties know that know that is a conscious decision to stay together and not a trap. It's not the end of our freedom, but the beginning of the infinite possibilities and destinations you can experience and travel to within love and within each other.

I guess I am just scared. Because I want this so much. I dont want to push it , I dont want to ruin it... but I am not sure how I can handle losing it again. I think that is my biggest fear.

Tell me about it. This my biggest fear. But you can't let it get the better of you. You have to think of the person you were in the past as someone seperate from who you are now. You are stronger and wiser now. So when you feel yourself going down a path that in the past led to problems, then stop and think about what was wrong with that path and why it didn't work. He loves you. He wants it to work with you. But he doesn't want to repeat the same mistakes. You can fear that it won't work this time. But don't let your fear make you panic. Don't panic. Things are going well. You are free to do whatever you want and you are free to love each other and express that. What else do you need? Do you want a verbal commitment? What for? He's commtted to having sex only with you. So if you can offer a genuine expression of love (which means loving and respecting yourself by working towards your own personal goals and cultivating your own interests and desires; which means satifying his true needs and not forcing your own needs on to him: which means allowing him to satisfy your true needs without feeling insecure or defensive)....yeah- so if you can offer all that, he'll never find the need to leave it. If he does, it will only show that he is simply not capable of loving with the power that you love has. In that case you'll be better off finding someone who is capable because otherwise your great love will be wasted.

It seems clear to me that the love inside some people is not as powerful as the love inside of others. Some people are more passionate about love than others. But I'd say chances are pretty strong that your man's love is right up there with yours. Having been together for 4 years is a pretty good indication of that.

 

So my advice to you as well as to myself is to not worry about losing them. Don't get anxious. Just focus on what we can do to show our love more effectively this time and to receive their expressions of love more completely this time. We love them for who they are, not for who we want them to be. Do we want them to stay with us out of obilgation or out of their true desire to be with us?

[Universe]

I should tell you that it's looking like my ex and I are getting back together. A month ago we each agreed that it was best that we just be friends. After that we started hanging out more often and having tons of fun. Then this past weekend I kissed her which led to making out which led to my sleeping over (no sex). That went on for a couple days before I had to leave town for a couple days. Then yesterday had a major talk about things and then ended up hooking up. We've agreed not to put a label on anything, to keep it on the DL for now, and that we would not sleep with anyone else.

Smile, our situations continue to ring very similar.

Where is that line between space and aloof?

This is what I've found in trying to get over being needy and clingy. As I am totally in love with her, I feel these intense impulses to show her affection. It takes an incredible amount of will power to abstain when I get these impulses. And on the surface it seems like the person receiving the affection will feel loved. So by obeying these impulses you feel that you are effectively showing your love. But that's not love. That is your own need to express affection and has little or nothing to do with what the other person needs.

So the key is to be able to take a step back and observe. And you have to take time to really think about what the other person needs. Put yourself in their shoes. If you were them, how would you want to be loved. The way you express your love has to excite and stimulate the other person. You have to surprise them, tease them, and challenge them. And you have to do so gracefully. You have to look good doing it. You have to feel comfortable and secure with your expression of love.

I don't really know what you mean by being aloof.

 

Aloof = Detatched. Having no need, desire, or much (if any) awareness of other people and social relationships.

 

You are human. You are in love. You have need. You have desire. You are aware of the person you are in love with.

So acting aloof is a lie. There is a big difference between having needs and being needy. You have to inventory your needs and know why they exist. This can be pretty hard to do. But once you know and understand your needs, you start to see how reasonable they are and if it's reasonable to expect your partner to fulfill them. If your partner cannot or will not fulfill the reasonable ones, then perhaps this person isn't the one for you.

But you can't expect your partner to satisfy your needs if you are not satisying theirs. If you've been paying a lot of attention to them, then maybe they need you to back off a bit. Chances are they don't know exactly what they need at the time. But if you're thinking about it and putting yourself in their shoes, you'll be able to make a pretty good guess and act accordingly.

You can't be the victim. You are in control of yourself. But don't try to control them. Sometimes your desire will overwhelm your ability to maintain control of yourself. This can be very sexy, but you can't let it happen all the time. It has to be an honest explosion.

 

I think in both of our cases, we've established good rapport and opened communication well enough that our partners want exclusive sexual relationships. So now the most important thing is to cultivate a genuine loving relationship between two independent self-sufficient beings.

I bought an audio book for my road trip earlier this week. It was called RECEIVING LOVE by Harville Hendrix & Helen LaKelly Hunt. I recommend it. In it they talk about how our relationships with our parents directly affect our relationships with lovers. They break it down in a way that makes it easy to apply to your own situation. They talk about the most common complexes that parents pass on to their kids and how these complexes destroy your relationships. One thing that you and I both seem to have suffered from in our relationships is symbiosis/co-dependence. That's why I think it's important for both of us to allow our partners all the freedom possible. Don't think of it as temporary. It is permanent. I believe a big part of the reason they left us was to prove to themselves and us that they were free to leave. They should always have that freedom just as we should. This way all parties know that it is a conscious decision to stay together and not a trap. It's not the end of our freedom, but the beginning of the infinite possibilities and destinations you can experience and travel to within love and within each other.

I guess I am just scared. Because I want this so much. I dont want to push it , I dont want to ruin it... but I am not sure how I can handle losing it again. I think that is my biggest fear.

Tell me about it. This is my biggest fear. But you can't let it get the better of you. You have to think of the person you were in the past as someone seperate from who you are now. You are stronger and wiser now. So when you feel yourself going down a path that in the past led to problems, then stop and think about what was wrong with that path and why it didn't work. He loves you. He wants it to work with you. But he doesn't want to repeat the same mistakes. You can fear that it won't work this time. But don't let your fear make you panic. Don't panic. Things are going well. You are free to do whatever you want and you are free to love each other and express that. What else do you need? Do you want a verbal commitment? What for? He's commtted to having sex only with you. So if you can offer a genuine expression of love (which means loving and respecting yourself by working towards your own personal goals and cultivating your own interests and desires; which means satifying his true needs and not forcing your own needs on to him: which means allowing him to satisfy your true needs without feeling insecure or defensive)....yeah- so if you can offer all that, he'll never find the need to leave it. If he does, it will only show that he is simply not capable of loving with the power that your love has. In that case you'll be better off finding someone who is capable because otherwise your great love will be wasted.

It seems clear to me that the love inside some people is not as powerful as the love inside of others. Some people are more passionate about love than others. But I'd say chances are pretty strong that your man's love is right up there with yours. Having been together for 4 years is a pretty good indication of that.

 

So my advice to you as well as to myself is to not worry about losing them. Don't get anxious. Just focus on what we can do to show our love more effectively this time and to receive their expressions of love more completely this time. We love them for who they are, not for who we want them to be. Do we want them to stay with us out of obilgation or out of their true desire to be with us?

[Cupcake]

I wouldn't really say that him asking you for exclusive sex means that you have him back exclusively. Clearly, none of us really know what he means by asking you this. All we can do is give you a few things to consider. Every man that I've ever had sex with (quite a few, not that many) has ALWAYS wanted me to only have sex with them. I even dated a married man once. Even he was possesive over my pu**y.

 

Some men are natrually possesive about things like that. It doesn't always mean that you are the only one for them. And unfortunately, some of them will lie to you, lead you to believe, or tell you that you are the only one for them, even when you're not.