REALLY sensitive topic

[monkeychemist120]

This is a huge struggle of mine....so please bear with me.

My gf told me she doesn't believe in platonic relationships.

A month into when we first started seeing each other, she ran into someone that she said she kinda knew. She went to get some drinks with him one on one.

She asked him if he wanted to smoke weed together, so she brought him to her apartment to grab some weed.

He then took advantage of her. She said "something definitely went down but can't remember". She told me of this two weeks after it happened, and I told her it wasn't her fault and that we were all good.

We are currently on a break with no contacting each other. She lives in NYC (where I am from) and I live in CT (where I am stationed).

Upon thinking, I'm not ok that she went drinking with another guy one on one, especially someone she barely knows. I'm also not ok that she invited him into her apartment. The last thing I want to do is tell her she cannot go drinking with her friends when I'm not around, and her thinking that I lied when I told her I didn't blame her for anything. It's been 6 months, and we are on a break because we have been arguing a lot lately, and when we meet in a week, I don't know how to tell her that if we are to continue this relationship (if we do), I don't know if I trust her to be drunk without me around.

 

Any advice would be amazing. Please help....

[central]

My gf told me she doesn't believe in platonic relationships.

 

Believe her. And decide accordingly. Besides, LDRs are very difficult, and I think they're generally a bad idea unless there is a very, very high level of commitment already.

 

Edit: If you are on a break, she is free to see other men and have sex with them, unless you explicitly agreed that neither of you would do this sort of thing.

Edited March 13, 2015 by central

[Michelle ma Belle]

Ditto what central said about "on a break".

 

That conversation might have to be wait until the two of you reconcile...if that ever happens. Until then, no one cares least of all her.

 

When I first read your post, I was surprised that you didn't seem to react to her actions leading up to the incident.

 

I don't know but her meeting up with a guy she "kinda knew", going out for drinks with him, returning to her apartment AND smoking weed with him all the while supposedly in a relationship with YOU?

 

Yeah, HUGE red flags my friend.

 

Her behavior is not becoming of a respectable woman regardless of her age or the fact that this was a LDR.

 

LDR are difficult to manage at the best of times with the best of people. She clearly has doesn't have you or your relationship as a priority in her life.

 

Consider your break a blessing in disguise.

 

NEXT!

[preraph]

This may seem like a detail, but to pick this apart, I think it's important. I've done plenty of drinking and smoking in my inexplicably long life, and I never couldn't remember what went down. If she truly can't remember, then she likely has a blackout drunk alcoholism. When you can't remember things after drinking, that's a blackout, and that is a big sign of alcoholism. I have been plenty wasted, but I can remember it all. And the pot part wouldn't do that.

 

So she's either lying or she needs to quit drinking, or both. Since you seem to know her well, you would know if she is a blackout drunk or not because she would have gotten that wasted with you and not remembered it.

[anika99]

Agree with Peraph. Weed doesn't cause complete memory loss. Either she was black out drunk in which case she really has a serious problem with drinking and in looking out for her own best interest or she is lying and she knows very well what went down that night.

 

 

You will have to decide what your boundaries are and how committed you are to your principles before you meet her in a week. You sound sort of wishy washy about those things right now. Like you would like to set some boundaries but not if it means she will walk away. Sometimes you have to be willing to let go of a person in order to stay true to yourself and maintain your own self respect and nobody really respects someone who has weak boundaries anyways.

[kendahke]

2 weeks before she mentioned any of this to you? What else is she choosing to leave out when it comes to what she's been doing while you're away?

 

I don't know many people who would be fine with their partner doing what your girlfriend did. Perhaps it was the shock that made you say what you did initially, but now that that has worn off, you have a hold of your true feelings behind this.

 

If nothing else, this episode demonstrates you girlfriend has really, REALLY poor judgment and not too much of a grasp on appropriate conduct when it comes to the opposite sex. If she's this way with someone she barely knows, what is she like with guys she knows well? I shudder to think...

 

I guess the question to you is: can you live with this? Is what she did ok, because there is no guarantee that she won't do this again in the future. If you cannot definitively answer that in a way with which you can live, then you know what your next in face conversation with her has to be.

 

And that "break" you're on? You need to make that permanent. I'm with preraph on this one: pot doesn't make you lose your memory like that. One thing is for certain, though: for you two to have any success at a relationship, her drinking and weeding has to stop and you have to be able to trust her that she will do that. Frankly, I don't think she would do either, being that you're not there and she can tell you anything knowing a lot of time will pass before you will be able to see anything in person.

 

If she cannot keep a relationship with the opposite sex platonic, and you need to trust a woman who can do this, then this isn't the woman you need to be with. You will never rest easy and that is no way to live. You have to love yourself better than that.

[writergal]

It's pretty clear to me that your girlfriend is lying to you. Why are you with someone who cheats on you, then lies about it constantly? She also doesn't sound very responsible based on the amount of drinking and pot smoking she seems to do, according to your post. She sounds very unstable and very unreliable.

 

Since you two are on a break, I think it is the appropriate time to make the break permanent - a "break up," if you will. Connecticut must have other single women you can date, doesn't it? It's not like you're stationed on a desert island with no women in sight.

[smackie9]

Your GF not believing in platonic relationships is a sign of guilt on her part. This incident is nothing new to her. She is a cheater. Obviously she has no self control. Do yourself a favor, stay broken up.

[BlackHat]

This is a huge struggle of mine....so please bear with me.

My gf told me she doesn't believe in platonic relationships.

A month into when we first started seeing each other, she ran into someone that she wanted to have sex with. She went to get some drinks with him one on one because she needed plausible deniability.

She asked him if he wanted to smoke weed together because then she will have the perfect excuse to make it look as if she didn't know what she was doing, so she brought him to her apartment to grab some weed.

He then took advantage of her HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. She said "something definitely went down but I will not tell you". She told me of this two weeks after it happened, and I told her it wasn't her fault and that we were all good.

 

Not her fault?

 

Man, she basically handed her hoo-ha to him on a silver plate.

 

You are very, very naive young man, and you really really need to be more realistic.

 

Otherwise I have here a Nigerian cousin who wants to make you a great real estate offer.

[oldshirt]

Some questions and some responses below.

 

 

 

 

This is a huge struggle of mine....

 

 

 

 

Why is this a 'struggle'? Your supposed GF got lit up and banged some dude and then pulled the wool over your eyes and blew smoke up your @$$, what is there to 'struggle' over??

Maybe this is a better way to put this - if you told this story to your grandmother, would she have any ambiguity or any kind of 'struggle' over what this is and what should be done about it? Or would she be pretty chrystal clear on what it's all about?

 

 

My gf told me she doesn't believe in platonic relationships.

 

 

Did she tell you this before or after she boffed this dude?

 

 

A month into when we first started seeing each other, she ran into someone that she said she kinda knew. She went to get some drinks with him one on one.

She asked him if he wanted to smoke weed together, so she brought him to her apartment to grab some weed.

He then took advantage of her.

 

 

Have you asked to see the police report or the results of the rape exam?

No, there are no such things, which means this was a consensual encounter and she is blowing smoke up your dukus.

 

 

This was a DATE with someone she was attracted to and had the hots for and she invited him back to her place. They made out. They started feeling each other up and getting hot and heavy. They took each other's clothes off and engaged in foreplay and when they were both heated up and ready, they got it on.

He didn't follow through and take her on full time in the following two weeks and she finally realized she was just a pump and dump to him and so she defaulted back to you.

During those two weeks she was waiting to see if he was going to step up to the plate and be her new BF in which case she was going to dump you but he didn't step up so you are the fall-back guy.

And now she's made up this cockamamie story about him "taking advantage" of her.

 

 

She said "something definitely went down but can't remember".

 

 

That is simply a lie she's telling you so you don't ask her for details. ...Like when she blew him and swallowed. She doesn't want to tell you about that.

 

 

 

 

She told me of this two weeks after it happened,

 

 

again, those two weeks were to see if he was going to be her new BF or not.

 

 

 

 

and I told her it wasn't her fault and that we were all good.

 

 

That's called - Hook, Line and Sinker.

It's also called being a chump.

 

 

 

 

 

 

We are currently on a break with no contacting each other.

 

 

Some of the others have told you what a break is but in case it hasn't sunk in quite yet, a break is where she is going out with other people to try them on for size while she keeps you waiting on reserve to keep her company in case they don't work out.

CHUMP!

 

 

 

 

 

Upon thinking, I'm not ok that she went drinking with another guy one on one, especially someone she barely knows. I'm also not ok that she invited him into her apartment.

 

 

Wow really? you're not ok with that????

Hmmm, maybe there's some hope for you after all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The last thing I want to do is tell her she cannot go drinking with her friends when I'm not around,

 

 

She's a single adult and you have no authority to tell her what or what not to do. However you do have the right to determine your own boundaries on what you will or will not accept and continue to being involved with her. Getting drunk and stoned and banging other dudes is a highly recommended boundary.

 

 

 

 

 

 

and her thinking that I lied when I told her I didn't blame her for anything.

 

 

That's so crazy I'm not sure I even have a response for that. No sane man with a spine and an ounce of dignity would've been ok with that and I can't imagine anyone being so naïve as to actually buy off on that story.

she has no right to criticize any of your feelings about her escapade. She was slutty and indiscriminate and irresponsible and did I mention slutty so she basically has no recourse to whatever negative feelings you have towards that whole matter.

 

 

 

 

It's been 6 months, and we are on a break because we have been arguing a lot lately,

 

 

Break means that you are no longer a couple. It means it's over, she just hasn't grown the kahoonas to break it to you yet. She's keeping you hanging on and keeping you on the shelf on reserve to stroke her ego and to not feel bad for being the one to pull the plug.

She's dating and screwing other guys and once she finds one that sticks, you will be dropped that day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

and when we meet in a week, I don't know how to tell her that if we are to continue this relationship (if we do), I don't know if I trust her to be drunk without me around.

 

 

She's already gone.

 

Any advice would be amazing. Please help....

 

 

 

 

Only honest advice I can give is don't be so naïve and spineless and don't take so much crap off of people. And the other advice is to move on with your own life and start dating other girls and move on.

 

 

[OnlyHonesty]

Advice?

 

Don't be so naive, ditch her, get some self respect, work on your self esteem and set some boundaries. If you have been intimate with her then go get yourself tested. If you haven't been intimate with her then be very thankful.

[justwhoiam]

oldshirt, WTH!!!

Monkey, listen to oldshirt: the guy seems to know a thing or two.

 

This is a huge struggle of mine

With reference to your nickname: less science and more staying grounded can go a long way for you.

 

The last thing I want to do is tell her she cannot go drinking with her friends when I'm not around

You pick your battles. If you're afraid to even be a man in a relationship, be prepared to attract the wrong women and be treated badly. In other words: don't complain about the bed you just made, after all you made it.

 

I don't know how to tell her that if we are to continue this relationship (if we do), I don't know if I trust her to be drunk without me around.

Think well if you really want to be with her. She's doing drugs, she's getting drunk, taking home random guys (apparently), she can do one-night stands, and something tells me it was not her first one-night stand. If you can live with all that (long-term?), then go for it.

 

Any advice would be amazing. Please help....

My advice is let her go and count your blessings. If you start lowering your standards, expect just anything.