How do I cope with my sexless marriage?

[TAA1007]

I have been married 6 months and overall been with my husband 6 years. We are both in our mid twenties. He is sweet, kind, and I know he loves me and I love him. For almost a year our sex life has slowed down. I figured it was from me being in school/wedding planning and him working more.

But after our honeymoon its practically non existant. I got a good job and he resumed normal hours. He gives me excuses like the dogs are in the bed (so kick them out?!) Or I am sleeping (I've told him if hes in the mood WAKE ME UP). I could(and have) walk around naked and he doesn't even say anything. If I try to touch him he allows it for a little then moves away. We kiss eachother goodbye for work everyday but its with the same passion you'd kiss your grandma.

So, after a lot of hurt feelings I finally gained the courage to ask him what the problem is and told him no matter how bad (affair/porn addiction) that I wouldn't leave him and we could work through it. And the only thing he said was "I don't what's wrong, I'm ugly" WHAT?! So I of course told how handsome and sexy I think he is, and I continue to do so.

That was a month ago and I'm still here feeling lonely and rejected and my needs arent being met. I asked him to do counseling and he said no.

He is my best friend, and I don't want anyone else. I dont know how to deal with this depression. I wonder if we will ever have children. I feel like the life I had pictured for us and for myself is unattainable now. Please help me find ways to cope with this.

[Ronnie33]

How often do you have sex? Was it ever passionate and a lot? When you guys do have sex is he into it?

 

You both are so young to be having this problem. He needs to talk to someone to figure out why he has no desire at twenty something years old. That's not normal and you shouldn't have to live like this either if he won't get help. The problem will only get worse and you will start to resent him and that will lead to a whole bunch of other problems.

[Josmatjes]

Get help now and really work on it, because the longer your married the worse it gets. I'm sorry.

I had the same problem but I stayed cause my husband was my best friend and a good person, still is. But now I'm married almost 19 years and still no sex!

[TAA1007]

We have gone 3 months without any intimacy. Last time was Valentine's day . He usually only has sex with me on a holiday, i think because he feels like he should. Not sure if that makes sense .

[darkmoon]

to feel ugly, i suspect an unhappy childhood, a mean critical parent, that was the fate of me and also a friend of mine

[TAA1007]

Dark moon,

Did you ever feel the need to seek help? Or do you find it pointless?

[autumnnight]

My answer is not going to be popular. If you do not have kids, no matter how much you love him, I would say to him: serious counseling or divorce. I spent about 2 decades with someone I knew was like your husband within the first 6 months. I am very glad to have my kids, but other than that I wish I had not endured 2 decades of pain.

[Ronnie33]

We have gone 3 months without any intimacy. Last time was Valentine's day . He usually only has sex with me on a holiday, i think because he feels like he should. Not sure if that makes sense .

 

Is it possible he is having an affair? Or is he watching a lot of porn?

 

I only ask because unless there is a medical problem(which maybe there is) it is very rare that men, especially that young don't want sex. I was with my husband 10 years and he wanted it day and night. The same with all of my ex boyfriends and friends husbands. Usually it's the women who stop wanting it as much as years go by and children come but rarely men.

[TAA1007]

He's really against stuff like porn and strip clubs so i don't think that he is using porn. I asked but he never said yes or no. just said he was ugly. As for an affair,I really have never thought he would do something like that and i still don't think so, but anything is possible.

[TexasMan68]

Wow that sounds very bizarre. I would ask him if he was a closet gay?

[Ronnie33]

The first few years was the sex ever passionate and often?

[TAA1007]

When we first started dating we had great sex on a regular basis

[Popsicle]

Well the conventional line of thinking is that "This is just how marriage is. No passion is normal and all couples go through ups and downs". I say it's dead and never coming back to life. Why? I don't know, some people have issues! And you'll waste your good years away waiting for them to solve their issues. I'd leave.

[TAA1007]

Thing is, i love everything else about him. Is it too soon to give up? We haven't been married a year yet. I thought maybe its me? I have given him space, i don't nag him about anything. I clean more, cook more, i dropped 28lbs. Nothing is working. He says he loves me and thinks im good looking. Maybe he's full of ****. Idk.

[Ronnie33]

Thing is, i love everything else about him. Is it too soon to give up? We haven't been married a year yet. I thought maybe its me? I have given him space, i don't nag him about anything. I clean more, cook more, i dropped 28lbs. Nothing is working. He says he loves me and thinks im good looking. Maybe he's full of ****. Idk.

 

Men that are attracted to their wives want to have sex. Men in general want to have sex. There is something going on with him that he's not telling you.

 

If this continues you will start to resent him and feel bad about yourself. Eventually you'll end up looking somewhere. I couldn't be with a man that didn't want to have sex with me. It would kill my self esteem and desire as well.

 

You are too young for this.

[darkmoon]

i was not vain, so i knew no different, just up to the age of thirty then my confidence arrived, dates happened, i realized i miust be quite nice, not bad, but there is no one blueprint...

 

go with him to marriage counselling, my two cents is share the situation, be ok with this bad patch, just do not make it his fault, hire a counsellor you both like, be choosy, be careful, they are not cheap

Edited March 14, 2015 by darkmoon

[jackslife]

You (and he) must get to the bottom of this. Frankly I don't buy the "i'm ugly" excuse. He knows the reasons why but doesn't want to tell you.

 

My best guess is he doesn't find you attractive (sorry, but it is a chance), and hasn't got the courage to say. He loves you but doesn't desire you. The marriage would go straight to the divorce courts after that statement and he may not want that.

 

You must get him into marriage counselling with you, but remember he may not open up in there either.

 

This is serious. This could be a deal breaker in your marriage. If what I suspect is true (as above), then the sad fact could be that your marriage is already over.

[Michelle ma Belle]

My answer is not going to be popular. If you do not have kids, no matter how much you love him, I would say to him: serious counseling or divorce. I spent about 2 decades with someone I knew was like your husband within the first 6 months. I am very glad to have my kids, but other than that I wish I had not endured 2 decades of pain.

 

THIS!!

 

I too spent 20 years with my ex hubby (4 years dating/16 years married). It was great while we were dating and even though our sex life shifted a bit the first two years of marriage it was still pretty good.

 

After that, everything started to change and for the worse. I have written about it on other posts and will not bore anyone again with that story.

 

End result, I spent more years than I'd like to admit with someone who decided for the both of us that sex wasn't important. I spent years pleading with him. Changing myself to what I thought he wanted physically. I confronted him and in the end he didn't have answers for me.

 

He refused medications. He scuffed at marriage counselling. And did pretty much nothing to help the situation apart from telling me that he loved me and didn't want to be with anyone else. Imagine my confusion!

 

Intimacy is the barometer for a relationship. Unless you're both on the same page about what kind and how often you enjoy it, it can be a living hell otherwise.

 

I stayed as long as I did because I blamed myself. I stayed because we had a family. I stayed because I was hopeful. I stayed because I loved him. I stayed because he was a good man. I stayed because I was afraid to be on my own.

 

Eventually the anger and resentment takes over and spreads like a disease affecting every aspect of your life. It's toxic. Things are done and things are said that can't be undone or unsaid.

 

If you're already experiencing this kind of struggle in your marriage ESPECIALLY in your twenties, and he is not providing any kind of assurance that he wants to make things better, an ultimatum is the only way to go I'm afraid.

 

If not, you might end up back on here 20 years from now offering the same advice like autumnight and me

 

Good luck.

[MJJean]

I have been married 6 months and overall been with my husband 6 years. We are both in our mid twenties. He is sweet, kind, and I know he loves me and I love him. For almost a year our sex life has slowed down. I figured it was from me being in school/wedding planning and him working more.

But after our honeymoon its practically non existant. I got a good job and he resumed normal hours. He gives me excuses like the dogs are in the bed (so kick them out?!) Or I am sleeping (I've told him if hes in the mood WAKE ME UP). I could(and have) walk around naked and he doesn't even say anything. If I try to touch him he allows it for a little then moves away. We kiss eachother goodbye for work everyday but its with the same passion you'd kiss your grandma.

So, after a lot of hurt feelings I finally gained the courage to ask him what the problem is and told him no matter how bad (affair/porn addiction) that I wouldn't leave him and we could work through it. And the only thing he said was "I don't what's wrong, I'm ugly" WHAT?! So I of course told how handsome and sexy I think he is, and I continue to do so.

That was a month ago and I'm still here feeling lonely and rejected and my needs arent being met. I asked him to do counseling and he said no.

He is my best friend, and I don't want anyone else. I dont know how to deal with this depression. I wonder if we will ever have children. I feel like the life I had pictured for us and for myself is unattainable now. Please help me find ways to cope with this.

 

I bolded a few parts that jumped out at me.

 

You're both young and newly married. You mentioned the dogs and your earlier sleep schedule. Is it possible he is unhappy with some of the household routine and it's just sapping his sex drive? Maybe he's too afraid to tell you because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

 

Try making the bedroom a dog free zone. I have 3 dogs and love them to pieces, but I don't allow them to sleep with us anymore after hearing my husband say a few times that we would have had sex the night before, but the dogs were there, so he just went to sleep instead. I think it was the 2nd or 3rd time that happened in a couple month span and I was like "Well, dogs, it's either cuddle with you guys or have sex. GTFO. See ya in the morning!"

 

You mentioned wanting to have children. Is he on the same page? Maybe he is denying sex because he doesn't want to risk a pregnancy.

 

We have gone 3 months without any intimacy. Last time was Valentine's day . He usually only has sex with me on a holiday, i think because he feels like he should. Not sure if that makes sense .

 

This is way outside what I would consider the normal range for a newlywed male in his twenties. I'd be worried about his physical and mental health at this point.

 

to feel ugly, i suspect an unhappy childhood, a mean critical parent, that was the fate of me and also a friend of mine

 

My husband had great parents. Unfortunately, he was chubby and had acne. Plus, he was a bit socially inept and a nerd. Kids are cruel. He has some self-esteem issues that have periodically caused a drop in sex. If he is feeling fat or ugly he's just not as interested. He's never stopped having sex altogether for more than a week or two in the 12 years we've been married, but still. If OP's husband feels ugly or unattractive in another way his problem may be more severe and that could account for the zero sex drive.

 

Is it possible he is having an affair? Or is he watching a lot of porn?

 

I only ask because unless there is a medical problem(which maybe there is) it is very rare that men, especially that young don't want sex. I was with my husband 10 years and he wanted it day and night. The same with all of my ex boyfriends and friends husbands. Usually it's the women who stop wanting it as much as years go by and children come but rarely men.

 

Hormone or chemical imbalance, clinical depression, high blood pressure, undiagnosed diabetes, testicular or prostate cancer (rare)...just a few things that effect libido that can occur in the 20's depending on genetics, health, fitness, and diet.

 

He's really against stuff like porn and strip clubs so i don't think that he is using porn. I asked but he never said yes or no. just said he was ugly. As for an affair,I really have never thought he would do something like that and i still don't think so, but anything is possible.

 

Are his porn and strip club beliefs based on faith/religion? How was he raised? Is there a chance that he was taught sex is dirty/bad? Some men are all hot and heavy with a GF, but once they are married to the GF, she becomes their most honored beloved wife and is not to be used to do anything "dirty".

[TAA1007]

Mj, he has premature balding, i that also a sign of medical problem? He said he wants kids someday. He's really warmed up to the idea since our first niece. I actually kicked the dogs out two nights ago and he did cuddle with me. It was enough to make my heart burst. As far as the dirty thing that's exactly how he feels about porn strippers ect, could he really feel that way about me too? He's even extreme about women in flashy and revealing clothing. It's okay if I wear it (at home).

[TAA1007]

He also calls himself stupid and says he can't do anything right (he's actually really handy and smart, which i have been tell him for years)

[Michelle ma Belle]

Okay, I totally get it when one partner is dealing with personal insecurities. It can and will affect one's sex life, no doubt about it.

 

OP, has he always had these issues? You say the sex started to slow down about a year before your marriage - can you pin point a time when things started to change?

 

If he really is dealing with feelings of being unattractive and thus unworthy, perhaps you might enlist the same regimen we often tell men to do with their wives; shower them with unconditional love and kindness.

 

Maybe spending a bit more time reminding him how lucky YOU are to have him in your life, to be married to him might make him feel more secure. Making small loving gestures like hugging him out of the blue, texting him letting him know your'e thinking about him, spoiling him with a back rub or foot rub, etc. might also go a long way.

 

Sometimes taking sex off the table for a moment and focusing on nurturing your partner makes a world of difference in helping to build their self confidence as well as feel safe and secure.

 

Of course, you don't want to have to do this forever. He still needs to do the work himself to get past these feelings of insecurity. As women, we often take on projects and want to save and/or fix our men. It's fine when it's temporary but we need to be careful not to lose ourselves in the process.

 

Good luck.

[stillcold]

It sounds like he's depressed. The reason I say this is because of his past and all the comments he's currently making about him being ugly or stupid. Depression sucks the life out of you so it could very well be that. Either way, get to the bottom of this as no sex this early is a dealbeaker; you both are way too young to be experiencing this issue this early.