Stop thinking.

[Cinnimon]

I see here and on another board, people telling others to just stop thinking about the op. How do you just STOP thinking about someone you had a relationship with? You don't. But some want to try to make others feel like it's just that easy. It's not. You may not act on it. You may hide it. You may not like it. But you can't just make it stop. And if you could, these boards would be empty.

[Ronnie33]

Agree 100%

 

I try all the time and I can't. You can't just flip a switch and shut your mind off, not until it's ready to move on.

[SleekArchitecture]

I see here and on another board, people telling others to just stop thinking about the op. How do you just STOP thinking about someone you had a relationship with? You don't. But some want to try to make others feel like it's just that easy. It's not. You may not act on it. You may hide it. You may not like it. But you can't just make it stop. And if you could, these boards would be empty.

 

I remember reading this once, that if you and another really care about one another (we and all life are energy) that if you are thinking of them and it is different then usual, stronger, the mental pictures in HD, that they are thinking of you too at that exact moment.

 

Tonight, I feel anxiety, and this is not normally how I feel even during the other periods of NC. I have been thinking of them and I wonder if this shaky feeling is that I know there is no going back. It is too real now, my feelings of disappointment in him.

[Ronnie33]

I remember reading this once, that if you and another really care about one another (we and all life are energy) that if you are thinking of them and it is different then usual, stronger, the mental pictures in HD, that they are thinking of you too at that exact moment.

 

Tonight, I feel anxiety, and this is not normally how I feel even during the other periods of NC. I have been thinking of them and I wonder if this shaky feeling is that I know there is no going back. It is too real now, my feelings of disappointment in him.

 

I feel that too, this time I know it's over and I'm so scared of the feelings that are about to come the next few months as I move through this.

[SleekArchitecture]

I feel that too, this time I know it's over and I'm so scared of the feelings that are about to come the next few months as I move through this.

 

 

We all can get through this. I know I sound like a cheerleader, but we will.

[whichwayisup]

Nobody says 'just stop thinking' of that person as soon as an A ends. Obviously it takes time and people have to grieve the loss and detach. Though one can be proactive and try their best not to let thoughts consume them 24/7, they can distract themselves, try to push thoughts away.

[Josmatjes]

You know, it does get a little easier. But the love you felt was real and it will always be in your heart...and that's okay. But everyone we love in life is not always meant to stay. They are a part of our journey. My dday was 10 months ago and I still feel him and I think I always will but I'm learning to deal with it. You will too... It's like anything else in life that you loved and lost or had to move on.

 

I will say this though, I hope Ronnie is right that she said when we think of them strongly they are feeling us too. That is a bit of consolation for me.

 

One day at a time....

[Josmatjes]

I meant sleek architecture about that statement...sorry

[Cinnimon]

Nobody says 'just stop thinking' of that person as soon as an A ends. Obviously it takes time and people have to grieve the loss and detach. Though one can be proactive and try their best not to let thoughts consume them 24/7, they can distract themselves, try to push thoughts away.

 

Whichwayisup, I always read and admire the input and advise that you give on LS but yes, people do in fact , say just stop thinking about them. In fact that is what prompted me to post this thread. An mm who's post was moved to another area of LS is being told just that.

[Ronnie33]

It's usually the BS or someone that have never been through it before. They think because the relationship was wrong that it should

be easy to forget. They don't understand that even though it was wrong the love was still real for some.

Edited March 14, 2015 by Ronnie33

[minimariah]

It's usually the BS or someone that have never been through it before.

 

see... no. that's where you're wrong.

folks always assume that BS don't know what it's like but if ANYONE knows what it's like? it's the BS. try being cheated on, betrayed and dumped and STILL continuing to love that person, wanting them & thinking about them.

 

just because someone is a BS, it doesn't mean that they don't have the slightest idea what it's like to break up a relationship - they usually know the best.

 

I see here and on another board, people telling others to just stop thinking about the op. How do you just STOP thinking about someone you had a relationship with?

 

when people say - stop thinking about XY - they really mean this: surround yourself with other people, occupy your thoughts, find new hobbies, focus your mind on something else and let the time do it's thing.

 

that means putting in work - not closing your eyes & magically "blocking" your thoughts. it's clear that you can't control your emotions but you CAN work on getting over it + moving forward which is something a lot of folks refuse to do.

[Eagle's-bargain]

That's because the level of intimacy can't be ignored, whether it was real or not. It was an addiction, some are healthier than others.

 

Example, the AA version

I see here and on another board, people telling others to just stop thinking about [drinking]. How do you just STOP thinking about [drinking if] you had a [serious habit]?

You don't.

But some want to try to make others feel like it's just that easy.

It's not. You may not act on it.

You may hide it.

You may not like it.

But you can't just make it stop.

And if you could, these [meetings] would be empty.

[road]

Complete NC. That means no indirect contact. No looking at AP's FB, get rid of all gifts, photos, mementos from places you went together. Avoid going places where you went with the.

Then do this:

 

 

[SleekArchitecture]

Complete NC. That means no indirect contact. No looking at AP's FB, get rid of all gifts, photos, mementos from places you went together. Avoid going places where you went with the.

Then do this:

 

 

 

 

I have found that looking at all this reminds me that this man is not mine and has another life. I also look up articles of signs that they love you and also signs that they do not as a way to remind me that this relationship was nothing to keep me in NC.

 

Am I going about it wrong during NC by doing this?

[Eagle's-bargain]

I have found that looking at all this reminds me that this man is not mine and has another life. I also look up articles of signs that they love you and also signs that they do not as a way to remind me that this relationship was nothing to keep me in NC.

 

Am I going about it wrong during NC by doing this?

 

I think you're wrong looking at it.

I had deleted my facebook, and told my close friends about it.

It simplified my life, and alienated me from those who didn't give a flying firetruck.

It worked. I spent more time with quality people. But the thinking didn't end completely. Once in a while, I wonder.

[Cinnimon]

What is the difference between addiction and attachment ?

NC stops the communication not the thoughts.

AA members still think about alcohol.

Telling people , "stop thinking"

" why are you thinking"

" you shouldn't be thinking"

" you are wrong for thinking about"

Is like telling them to stop breathing.

[SleekArchitecture]

I think you're wrong looking at it.

I had deleted my facebook, and told my close friends about it.

It simplified my life, and alienated me from those who didn't give a flying firetruck.

It worked. I spent more time with quality people. But the thinking didn't end completely. Once in a while, I wonder.

 

I do not know if it is the right way or not, but looking at it does not make me want to reach out, it actually does the opposite, it makes my decision seem set in stone. Look at them, their life, this is not yours, he is there, you are here. Move on.

[Ronnie33]

I deleted him from my fb months ago because I found I was looking constantly and all it would do was hurt me. I haven't looked now in months because I know at will set me back and I don't want to see it. That's not my life, it's theirs and I don't want to see it.

[Eagle's-bargain]

What is the difference between addiction and attachment ?

NC stops the communication not the thoughts.

AA members still think about alcohol.

Telling people , "stop thinking"

" why are you thinking"

" you shouldn't be thinking"

" you are wrong for thinking about"

Is like telling them to stop breathing.

 

I agree that's the point I'm trying to make

 

 

I do not know if it is the right way or not, but looking at it does not make me want to reach out, it actually does the opposite, it makes my decision seem set in stone. Look at them, their life, this is not yours, he is there, you are here. Move on.

 

Hmm. How long as it been for you? If you're doing this several months after the affair, it seems to me, that you are seeking validation for moving on (which is a normal reaction for some).

[Ronnie33]

see... no. that's where you're wrong.

folks always assume that BS don't know what it's like but if ANYONE knows what it's like? it's the BS. try being cheated on, betrayed and dumped and STILL continuing to love that person, wanting them & thinking about them.

 

just because someone is a BS, it doesn't mean that they don't have the slightest idea what it's like to break up a relationship - they usually know the best.

 

 

 

when people say - stop thinking about XY - they really mean this: surround yourself with other people, occupy your thoughts, find new hobbies, focus your mind on something else and let the time do it's thing.

 

that means putting in work - not closing your eyes & magically "blocking" your thoughts. it's clear that you can't control your emotions but you CAN work on getting over it + moving forward which is something a lot of folks refuse to do.

 

Mini I didn't mean that the BS didn't understand the pain, of course they do. I meant that a lot of times the BS thinks the OW/OM should be able to move on easy from affair because it wasn't our husband and the relationship was of no real value. Sorry if you misunderstood or it didn't come out right.

[beach]

I remember reading this once, that if you and another really care about one another (we and all life are energy) that if you are thinking of them and it is different then usual, stronger, the mental pictures in HD, that they are thinking of you too at that exact moment.

 

Tonight, I feel anxiety, and this is not normally how I feel even during the other periods of NC. I have been thinking of them and I wonder if this shaky feeling is that I know there is no going back. It is too real now, my feelings of disappointment in him.

 

And it helps to write out what those feelings look like for you.

 

Like making a list.

 

THEN to allow yourself the freedom to feel what you feel. Like being mad... Really mad.

 

And by looking at it from an angle of evidence - it became easier for me to realize (it was a process) that I deserved better/more from the person I THOUGHT loved me.

 

And that switch flipped to OFF! And I never gave it any more energy - and I felt better - freedom!

 

But I had to stop lying to MYSELF about what was really happening.

[SleekArchitecture]

And it helps to write out what those feelings look like for you.

 

Like making a list.

 

THEN to allow yourself the freedom to feel what you feel. Like being mad... Really mad.

 

And by looking at it from an angle of evidence - it became easier for me to realize (it was a process) that I deserved better/more from the person I THOUGHT loved me.

 

And that switch flipped to OFF! And I never gave it any more energy - and I felt better - freedom!

 

But I had to stop lying to MYSELF about what was really happening.

 

 

I like this, flipped the switch off. I am a passenger in your boat, Captain!

[minimariah]

Mini I didn't mean that the BS didn't understand the pain, of course they do. I meant that a lot of times the BS thinks the OW/OM should be able to move on easy from affair because it wasn't our husband and the relationship was of no real value. Sorry if you misunderstood or it didn't come out right.

 

no worries, Ronnie.

i probably overreacted, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to sound harsh and rude.

 

and yes - i see your point now. & you are right. for some reason, people seem to think that breaking off an A is easier or should be easier than breaking off just another regular relationship. in reality, i think breaking off an A is much, much harder and it takes much more time to heal than a "regular" breakup.

[anika99]

Whichwayisup, I always read and admire the input and advise that you give on LS but yes, people do in fact , say just stop thinking about them. In fact that is what prompted me to post this thread. An mm who's post was moved to another area of LS is being told just that.

 

I guess it depends on the context. I don't think I've read the thread that you are referring to but I would never tell someone who just ended a relationship, affair or otherwise, to just stop thinking about the person. That would be like telling someone grieving a death to just stop thinking about their lost loved one. Not very helpful.

 

 

However I do think that there comes a point when life goes on and the terrible wound begins to heal and that sometimes people won't let that happen because they insist on keeping their wounds fresh by continuing to romanticize the ex and obsessively think about the relationship.

[Eagle's-bargain]

However I do think that there comes a point when life goes on and the terrible wound begins to heal and that sometimes people won't let that happen because they insist on keeping their wounds fresh by continuing to romanticize the ex and obsessively think about the relationship.

emphasis mine.

 

Anika, I like your comments. At first glance, they come across as words coming from a termagant, a dash or two of geniality. On second glance, I get what you're saying, though it took the second glance (often one I'm grateful for).

 

In my opinion when you hurt someone, especially yourself or your own morals, it takes time to recover. In my opinion if I was married for two years, I would expect at least a year to reasonably recover if I were divorced. Some are faster than others, but then again I'm not Mickey Rooney (married 8 times).

 

Yes some people, like myself, need a wake up call (a third or forth opinion), but that doesn't mean these people want the feelings to stay fresh.

God knows that I have been beating myself up over my XAP (ex affair partner), but even then did I really believe I'd get back with her? Realistically, not at all.

I have no illusions of that.

My trouble was coming to terms with being used and compromising my own moral compass.

Without that compass I felt lost, as I would never be able to change the fact that I fouled up.

 

I have learned to move on and find other women, because there are other women who would like me in their life,

and I WANT TO GIVE them the fairest chance possible for a healthy and long(est) lasting relationship.

 

That said, I've more or less tried to close my own feelings of losing a friend. Losing my affair partner (outside of the friend element)? I do not mind losing that. I've thought about what happened and concluded that while there were elements of friendship, the biggest problem was being used and abused relentlessly. My romance, is that I idealize friendship. I have seen the evidence that she wasn't friendly to me, and used me. Then again I abused the friendship too. Even now I think about it. My close friends or recently close friends will tell me to not "beat myself up". I'm not a punching bag for my own immature angst over the issue, but the loss was great.

 

Hell it took me 5 years before I realized a friend of 23 years was nothing but a user. It came to a close when I confronted him about it. I will move on with life, but I won't forget I had a choice in the matter.

 

What's your story for being here?