Behavioral action

[Decisiontomake]

Interesting IC session today. For those of you that have read my threads you know I have been separated from my H for nearly a year and also going through NC (2 weeks in)with an exAP of 3 years. Yes, jumbled to say the least.

 

I have worked hard in IC and with the tools provided to me to get my head straightened out. Progress has been slow, and certainly not a linear journey.

 

I have been in limbo - a painful yet "safe" place - but am slowly getting ready to take forward motion action knowing that I cannot return to my H who wants to reconcile and with whom I have remained in contact and amicable. No he does not know about my affair.

 

So we talked about the many stages of decision and the actions that can be taken within those to try and break the limbo. That's where the Behavioral action phrase came from which will involve me not reaching out to or visiting with my H as I have done - even if I want to. There are some gentlemen on here whose WSs have done the same to you throughout a separation and I know the confusion and pain it causes. It has not been intentional on my part but I understand it is cruel in someway nonetheless.

 

So I am going to start to discipline myself to stay away. I know I do not want my M and that the work done over the years to try and make it work did not achieve anything and would not achieve further now. We are simply not compatible in what we want from life or for me personally on what I want/need from a partner. So I need to suck up the sadness that I feel over it and the fear of losing his friendship, and see what staying away may achieve to break the limbo - for both of us. Just thought I would share. Thank you for listening.

[DKT3]

Why not tell your husband you've been in love with another man for the last three years. Will it hurt him? Absolutely. Will he be better off with that information? Absolutely.

 

It will all make sense to him at that point. It will make it easier for him to close the door on you and move on with his life.

[Decisiontomake]

Hi DK - you know that I have that thought from previous posts and I'm not saying that I definitely won't have that conversation with him because I understand the sense that may make to him and the closure it may provide. It is a bit of a hurdle to my own authenticity too in not telling. So I understand the premise. Whether I am ready or brave enough to have that conversation I don't know. Thanks for your thoughts though.

[DKT3]

Hi DK - you know that I have that thought from previous posts and I'm not saying that I definitely won't have that conversation with him because I understand the sense that may make to him and the closure it may provide. It is a bit of a hurdle to my own authenticity too in not telling. So I understand the premise. Whether I am ready or brave enough to have that conversation I don't know. Thanks for your thoughts though.

 

Is it because as long as he doesn't know he is still an option? Will telling take away your control?

 

Has the subject of you cheating ever come up? If it has please just tell him, if he is thinking it you have no idea the weight it will take off of him. Him knowing that it wasn't his own infidelity that actually ended the marriage.

 

You have never said this or implied it but I get the feeling you raked him over the coals after his cheating and now you don't want him to see you as you saw him?

 

If you no long plan to keep going in the marriage, what other reason can there be to not tell?

 

Decision, its time to be honest and cut the cord....let him go.

[81West]

I am usually a person who amply sees the grey areas in things, almost to a fault. But there is something about reading your story that feels like biting on tinfoil. There is a tremendous self absorption and emotional selfishness in how you are conducting yourself. I don't say that to be arbitrarily critical or cruel or judgemental. It just truly does strike me, and maybe that will be useful to you somehow.

[Majormisstep]

Now you need to add further separation and not send H mixed messages. Let him go so he is free to find a new partner. And he'll likely be matched up with someone else fairly quickly once the final ties are severed.

 

Closure of your M can be achieved by having the separation or divorce discussions with him. I'm not sure confessing the affair will do either of you any good. You've made the decision to move on and he has little choice but to accept it. Limbo sucks, for both of you.

[Satu]

Just a thought:

 

A person is entitled to keep many things private if they want. That's fine.

 

A secret is different. A secret is the withholding of information from someone who has the right to know it because it effects them.

 

Does he have the right to know?

 

I think so, but it's your choice.

[chew123]

DTM,

 

Do you hate your husband? Because thats how you are treating him. You have been stringing him along since the affair. If you are not a strong enough person to tell him about the affair so he can get closure at least tell him its definitely over and he has no chance of reconciliation.

 

Your behavior has now reached the point of cruelty. Just tell him its definitely over so the both of you can move forward.

[Decisiontomake]

Thank you for your responses. They are thought provoking as always.

[Mr. Lucky]

DTM, you always come across as thoughtful and caring. The pain of your predicament is palpable.

 

But have you considered the issues connected with this may not just affect your H today? The haunting self-doubt over the failure of your marriage may affect him both for years and relationships to come. If you just drift away, he'll never understand and will probably always blame himself. And, in some sense, may always be waiting for you.

 

Telling him the truth about everything may be the only way he'll ever get closure...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Decisiontomake]

Your posts are always thoughtful and kind Mr Lucky. Thank you. Yes I have given that element thought and continue to do so. It is a good perspective to read outside of my own head though. Thank you again.

[Decisiontomake]

So I saw my H for the first time in 10 days today. The longest we have gone the entire time we have been separated. I told him I love him but know I am not going to return to our M. Both statements being true. We sat and talked about getting our house ready for sale and other logistical elements in the usual amicable and familiar way we have been throughout 90% of this separation. We ended our time together with a hug. Genuine on boh our parts.

 

Tonight I feel as though the right course has been started but with that comes reflection and sadness. It's an inevitable feeling I'm sure and one I need to allow myself to feel after having stayed in limbo longer than was healthy to avoid just this.

 

I have no enlightened words to share just now but wanted to update nonetheless.

[LifeWasted]

He is going to find out about your affair. The truth is funny that way. It has a way of seeping out through the cracks in the dam on its own until one day the dam bursts and all the lies you have tried to hide will be laid bare.

 

Are you prepared for that day? Are you prepared to see all good feelings and good opinions he ever had for you blow away like a mist in the wind. Are you ready for your reputation to be iireparably destroyed.

 

If you think you can keep your secret under wraps while you very tidily sweep your BH and marriage away like dust under the door, you are deluding yourself.

[Decisiontomake]

There is nothing tidy; tangibly or otherwise about this situation.

[DKT3]

I've asked you before and you kinda avoided it. What do you fear about telling him?

 

It will hurt him to hear it, it will change the way he views you but it will also help him a great deal. It will help him to understand that it wasn't him, it will help him move on and let you go.

 

I honestly think your being cruel, not that my opinion matters.

[Decisiontomake]

Hi DK. Not avoiding intentionally. I have posted on here since 2009. My marriage was in trouble long before I had an affair and while the affair was certainly an additional element, it was not the cause of my final leaving.

 

Arguments can be made on both sides of the "cruel" spectrum regarding telling my H. It could be just as cruel to him to tell and put him through that pain unnecessarily. Is that a convenient argument for me? I honestly don't know the answer to that.

 

He does not believe our M breaking down has anything to do with his affair which was such a long time ago now it barely registers with either of us so telling him of mine would not cleanse anything in that respect.

 

What I have learnt this past year - through IC and the hard work I've done outside of that on myself - is that you can become ready to do things you thought you would never be ready for, regardless of where the motivation to do so comes from. For this instance I share that as maybe I will be ready one day for that discussion with him if a reason presents itself in that it would be the "best" thing to do so. If I thought it would do his healing any good I would tell him. I do not, at this time, subscribe to that tho.

[DKT3]

Hi DK. Not avoiding intentionally. I have posted on here since 2009. My marriage was in trouble long before I had an affair and while the affair was certainly an additional element, it was not the cause of my final leaving.

 

Arguments can be made on both sides of the "cruel" spectrum regarding telling my H. It could be just as cruel to him to tell and put him through that pain unnecessarily. Is that a convenient argument for me? I honestly don't know the answer to that.

 

He does not believe our M breaking down has anything to do with his affair which was such a long time ago now it barely registers with either of us so telling him of mine would not cleanse anything in that respect.

 

What I have learnt this past year - through IC and the hard work I've done outside of that on myself - is that you can become ready to do things you thought you would never be ready for, regardless of where the motivation to do so comes from. For this instance I share that as maybe I will be ready one day for that discussion with him if a reason presents itself in that it would be the "best" thing to do so. If I thought it would do his healing any good I would tell him. I do not, at this time, subscribe to that tho.

 

Not to press you, but you still didn't answer why you fear telling him.

 

Yes I have read all your threads here, I also recall you saying that you left for a chance to be with the MM. So in your own words you did leave because of you affair.

[Decisiontomake]

Not to press you, but you still didn't answer why you fear telling him.

 

Yes I have read all your threads here, I also recall you saying that you left for a chance to be with the MM. So in your own words you did leave because of you affair.

 

I didn't leave for a chance to b with me MM but would have entered into a relationship with him. There is a difference.

 

And you're not pressing . When I went through this question in IC there were a few components; I was concerned that out of anger he may tell our children - and how that would change their opinion of me. I was scared that same anger would facilitate the end of the amicable way in which we have been - which is not just good for the two of us but good in helping our family (kids) cope with the parting. I was fearful he would never look at me in the same way again. I was scared that I would be hurting him by telling him just to appease my own sense of guilt.

 

I totally get that some of those are self serving and I have absolutely thought of telling him on multiple occasions. At the moment tho it is painful enough without adding another layer of pain to it.

[DKT3]

I didn't leave for a chance to b with me MM but would have entered into a relationship with him. There is a difference.

 

And you're not pressing . When I went through this question in IC there were a few components; I was concerned that out of anger he may tell our children - and how that would change their opinion of me. I was scared that same anger would facilitate the end of the amicable way in which we have been - which is not just good for the two of us but good in helping our family (kids) cope with the parting. I was fearful he would never look at me in the same way again. I was scared that I would be hurting him by telling him just to appease my own sense of guilt.

 

I totally get that some of those are self serving and I have absolutely thought of telling him on multiple occasions. At the moment tho it is painful enough without adding another layer of pain to it.

 

I don't see the difference, its really just splitting hairs to make yourself feel better, again just my opinion, that doesn't matter.

 

So at the root of your fear is what people will think of you? I expected as much. I think you selfishly want to keep him as a part of your life, telling him will push him out of your life.

 

So you were woman enough to commit the crime but not enough to serve your time. You would rather go out as the "good guy". As I said it will hurt him to hear it, maybe he will tell the kids, maybe he won't. He will absolutely change his view of you, he will be angry, and yes it will help him move on, he hung on for all this time while you chased MM. Just let him go, give him the information that affected his marriage and his life.

 

I won't push anymore, I don't think its in you to do what's best for him, even on your way out.

 

Its been a joy talking to you here, your are a nice woman. Good luck.

Edited March 22, 2015 by DKT3

[Decisiontomake]

I appreciate your eloquently put views DK

[Mr. Lucky]

He does not believe our M breaking down has anything to do with his affair which was such a long time ago now it barely registers with either of us so telling him of mine would not cleanse anything in that respect.

 

Considering his affair, wouldn't it be difficult for him to judge you in the manner you fear?

 

I think your secrecy is part of the last shred of denial - if it's not spoken out loud, you can conduct yourself as though it didn't happen. As has been pointed out, that freedom comes at his expense. And the future uncertainty over being found out comes at yours. Not a great situation for either of you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[81West]

I've asked you before and you kinda avoided it. What do you fear about telling him?

 

It will hurt him to hear it, it will change the way he views you but it will also help him a great deal. It will help him to understand that it wasn't him, it will help him move on and let you go.

 

I honestly think your being cruel, not that my opinion matters.

 

I think DTM was being cruel, or at least too self-focused to be anything approaching fair to her husband. But she's told him definitively now she won't be returning to her marriage, and maybe that's enough. To me the reality that her husband needed to be apprised of was that she preferred to be happy somewhere else and that he was not her first choice in life anymore. Whether that was expressed through the facts of her recent lost affair or just expressed through a definitive end to pointless hope is less important than the fact that he now knows that he can't just wait this out. I don't think he needs to think less of her to think enough of himself to move forward. He's conducted himself with dignity and patience and commitment and has every reason to respect himself as he accepts the end he didn't want.

[cja]

Knowing will induce temporary insanity into his life, that I can say. My husband said he wanted a divorce and we separated under an obscured reasoning. And partially it was I believe true. I found peace with it or at least acceptance and was beginning to start the actual process of divorce. Then he told me about his affair and I went bat crazy on my bull**** peace and acceptance. And then to top it off it was only at this moment of confessing that he decided he wanted to work on our marriage? It's a hard, hard thing to separate on somewhat specious grounds, to work though that and find some acceptance, and then discover the true picture.

 

I have no advice for you DTM, but I understand why the choice is hard. That's okay. It is hard. And especially so because you have kids. My parents went through a difficult divorce when we were teens. I found out about my mother's affair before my dad did while I was waiting for her at her work desk and an email came up. The truth has a way of finding light. I would've liked the truth to come from my mom, but so is life. and she was confused and in a lot of pain, and we all make mistakes and grow. So it'll probably all work out in the end. Don't be too hard on yourself. Over it all not just the not telling.

[Yasuandio]

Early on in my divorce process, I was attending a divorce group at a local church. It was well-structured, and educational, very helpful to me.

 

The male and female coordinators of the group had both been through divorces, and shared their stories. There was something I always noticed about the male coodinator of the divorce group. Although his divorce had happened some 8 years prior, you could still see the pain and confusion in his face, and his expression. When he told us his story, he said he never was given a reason why his wife wanted the divorce, and to that day, he still did not know the reason.

 

Even though he was an excellent leader of the group, and eventually took it over, he was obviously still depressed about his divorce - or his "unfinished business," for lack of a better term, was palpable. It was a subtle sadness, emptiness, hollowness about him - yet he was clearly at peace and acceptance phase. I gather he had really turned to the Church, and was very involved in the missions, especially the overseas missions of the Church.

 

The leader of the divorce group was a man without an answer, and I really could see it very well.

 

I am without some specific answers myself, however, the conclusions are painfully obvious to me upon reflection, when I got myself out of denial (this man didn't go without sex for 2 years, no way). Furthermore, I was soon to actually see my husband with another women shortly after the separation in his convertible (he denied it - who knows why). So, it was, finally, for me, like, DUH.

 

But now, years later, if I suddenly was in possession of all the gorey details, as CJA states, I think I would go bat shy-t crazy, myself, also.

 

In the later case, if the truth is going to come out, I think it best to come out now, as one really feels a fool after coming to acceptance and peace, only to find their entire rationale was a false reality, as was the marriage - it is a painful, emotional paradigm shift, no matter what degree you receive the truth (either seeing husband in a convertible with a girl, or getting the full knock down confession, post hoc).

 

But, in the first case, with the divorce coordinator, how you reason and explain your departure from the marriage can have a psychological bearing on your mate's transition and comprehension of events, that is your moral decision to make.

 

When or if you tell him, you WILL BE a completely different person in his eyes (if not at the point of shock, eventually). While painful, the affair is over - and not ongoing, so, that might make it a little less painful. This information might help him remove you from any possible pedistal he might hold you on, and assist him in moving on more quickly, depending on the timing. That is my take. Yas

[Decisiontomake]

Thank you for the considered responses that continue to come on this thread. There were many reasons for the breakdown of our marriage and my affair, while a catalyst that undoubtedly opened my eyes in some way and was the final nail in the coffin, it was not the foundational reason for my leaving. My posts on here date back to 2008 regarding my marriage and it's issues, as well as noting that they had been going on even before that post. My affair began in 2012.

 

 

We all have some shared experiences on this site, in some form or another, although no two individuals or relationships are the same. I am insightful enough to see how my actions can be perceived; whether that be cruel, selfish etc. The latter I agree with, although not a nice trait to have, it has been present in my actions as I've worked to protect myself throughout this emotional pain. As for cruel, I have never been intentionally cruel - my actions as I said have been to protect my heart that is aching on so many different levels. My H at any point could have protected himself by taking action to remove himself from the limbo that we had been in. I discussed this a lot in IC - how I can only approach and manage from my perspective. But with that I've tied myself in knots trying to consider everyone else; my H, my kids, wider family etc.

 

 

It has been a year (or more) from hell, without a doubt. And it's not over yet. And I've done my very level best to get through it and do the right thing for me, for him and our family.

 

 

We are now preparing our house to sell and that in itself brings another level of pain; the memories we are going through as we do that, the home we have raised our family in about to be no more. But we've done everything amicably - our kids have seen that and love us for it - telling us how much easier it's been on them. That is my main focus and for me, that end justifies the means (in not disclosing the affair). Also, if the affair had come out of the blue, and been the first time my marriage had had issues and I knew that the affair was the cause of it's demise, not a symptom of it then I would feel differently about telling him. As it is, I believe I am doing the right thing - for me and him - he knows the reasons why our marriage failed - we have discussed them until we are blue in the face - calmly and honestly about where we both facilitated dynamics that led us down this path.

 

 

I feel like I'm rambling now! But I wanted to clarify these points. I hope this stream of consciousness has made sense. Thank you to all.