Behavioral action

[KBarletta]

Thank you for the considered responses that continue to come on this thread. There were many reasons for the breakdown of our marriage and my affair, while a catalyst that undoubtedly opened my eyes in some way and was the final nail in the coffin, it was not the foundational reason for my leaving. My posts on here date back to 2008 regarding my marriage and it's issues, as well as noting that they had been going on even before that post. My affair began in 2012.

 

 

We all have some shared experiences on this site, in some form or another, although no two individuals or relationships are the same. I am insightful enough to see how my actions can be perceived; whether that be cruel, selfish etc. The latter I agree with, although not a nice trait to have, it has been present in my actions as I've worked to protect myself throughout this emotional pain. As for cruel, I have never been intentionally cruel - my actions as I said have been to protect my heart that is aching on so many different levels. My H at any point could have protected himself by taking action to remove himself from the limbo that we had been in. I discussed this a lot in IC - how I can only approach and manage from my perspective. But with that I've tied myself in knots trying to consider everyone else; my H, my kids, wider family etc.

 

 

It has been a year (or more) from hell, without a doubt. And it's not over yet. And I've done my very level best to get through it and do the right thing for me, for him and our family.

 

 

We are now preparing our house to sell and that in itself brings another level of pain; the memories we are going through as we do that, the home we have raised our family in about to be no more. But we've done everything amicably - our kids have seen that and love us for it - telling us how much easier it's been on them. That is my main focus and for me, that end justifies the means (in not disclosing the affair). Also, if the affair had come out of the blue, and been the first time my marriage had had issues and I knew that the affair was the cause of it's demise, not a symptom of it then I would feel differently about telling him. As it is, I believe I am doing the right thing - for me and him - he knows the reasons why our marriage failed - we have discussed them until we are blue in the face - calmly and honestly about where we both facilitated dynamics that led us down this path.

 

 

I feel like I'm rambling now! But I wanted to clarify these points. I hope this stream of consciousness has made sense. Thank you to all.

 

DTM, I have followed your story and appreciate the amount of thought that you put into your posts here even though we don't always agree.

 

I would say, however, that there are two rules that hold true in almost every single case: 1. The truth always comes out eventually. It will find a way in this case too, no matter what you do. And 2. It is always better in the long run to tell the truth rather than hiding it.

 

You may think it will hurt your H more. But that is only a guess. In the end, in the long run, it will be better for him to know exactly what happened so that he can face his own future knowing the truth.

 

In my opinion, the bottom line is that he deserves to know what happened in his marriage, not a sugar-coated, watered-down version of it, but the real story, warts and all.

 

KTB

[Yasuandio]

DTM, I have followed your story and appreciate the amount of thought that you put into your posts here even though we don't always agree.

 

I would say, however, that there are two rules that hold true in almost every single case: 1. The truth always comes out eventually. It will find a way in this case too, no matter what you do. And 2. It is always better in the long run to tell the truth rather than hiding it.

 

You may think it will hurt your H more. But that is only a guess. In the end, in the long run, it will be better for him to know exactly what happened so that he can face his own future knowing the truth.

 

In my opinion, the bottom line is that he deserves to know what happened in his marriage, not a sugar-coated, watered-down version of it, but the real story, warts and all.

 

KTB

 

It comes down to a matter of what others will think, or how others might be hurt (like the kids).

 

If the truth comes out in the future, it can always be denied, denied, denied. As, typically, there really is no actual, undeniable proof of these "affairs," especially to the betrayed, unless they see it with their own eyes. The only thing the betrayed can really believe is a true confession from the mouth of the spouse that committed the adultery. That is a moral decision. Are you going to allow the betrayed to live whatever amount of time in denial or misunderstanding, or under a delusion of your covert omission? That's your "decision to make." And, a good reason to ask yourself, then, why are you here?

Yas

Edited April 3, 2015 by Yasuandio

[Majormisstep]

That's a powerful word - truth. To some it has little meaning, to others they live and die by it.

 

The first person you need to be truthful to is you. How to become honest and authentic with yourself is a craft most of us have yet to master.

 

Leaving a long term M is excruciating, to say the least. Not a single one of us is perfect.