Pretty sure I've got a racist family member

[soret]

So, a little back story.

 

Yesterday my cousin hosted a small get together. My other cousin (her sister) was talking to me about my recent break up with my ex boyfriend who is of asian decent. My whole family is Caucasian.

 

She asks me if I was ever attracted to my boyfriend. I felt like the question was a bit odd but I didn't think too much of it. I told her of course and that I don't base my attraction on simply looks and that personality is an even bigger factor when choosing someone to be with. Then she went on to say something like "Okay me too. I'm not attracted to asians".

 

I spoke to her about my unhappiness with my bf before I broke it off with him so I can understand that she feels the need to be involved but I thought that this question was really unnecessary. She didn't have a good impression of him when she first met him and she did tell me that she couldn't judge him fully based on the one time of meeting him.

 

I do find it ironic because she has had issues with her on again off again boyfriend for years and she really enjoys trash talking him and her previous ex and I'm not into that at all. I like to keep my private life private no matter how much an ex has hurt me.

 

I'm going away with her and a couple of other people this weekend and I'm feeling a bit pissed off because of it. I'm not sure if it's okay to confront her about it or just forget about it.

[PogoStick]

Why would you make a confrontation over that? Especially since you have to spend some close time together.

[whichwayisup]

Let it go and if she brings it up when you're away just tell her you're not up for talking about it with her right now, that you want to have fun on the trip. The bigger deal you make of it, she will react and possibly not in a good way.

[soret]

Why would you make a confrontation over that? Especially since you have to spend some close time together.

 

Let it go and if she brings it up when you're away just tell her you're not up for talking about it with her right now, that you want to have fun on the trip. The bigger deal you make of it, she will react and possibly not in a good way.

 

I probably should have re-worded it. I would not confront her about it over the trip. I meant possibly in the near future or the distant future if I date someone out of my race again.

[whichwayisup]

Well, her saying "I'm not attracted to Asians" isn't racist. Everybody has their preferences whom they are attracted to, whether it be by race, hair colour, skin colour, age, gender. Some like older, some like younger..

 

Next time, if she says anything about it, tell her to mind her own business or just don't discuss anything personal with her anymore.

[Tayla]

only one race that i know of that i care to date....the human race. picking apart someones heritage is silly, under a microscope cells arent that different... if it helps any...carry a picture around of two heart organs and ask the supposed racist which one is the (insert nationality of disregard). I did this to a coworker who is often belitting... shut him up in a heartbeat...now even when he hears off the cuff comments ...he"ll use that pic...rather funny when you sit back and realize all the stuff that makes us common is overlooked yet is the very things that sustain us in the long run....

[Noproblem]

I don't know!

I don't think she is racist!

Asians are not her type.

 

But you know her better, you can see the way she say things and you know if she meant it as a personal preference or a way to degrade another people race.

Edited March 14, 2015 by Noproblem

[pink_sugar]

My grandmother uses terms to refer to races that are pretty racist. She also says that people shouldn't "mix". I would say that's pretty racist.

[BlackHat]

She asks me if I was ever attracted to my boyfriend. I felt like the question was a bit odd but I didn't think too much of it. I told her of course and that I don't base my attraction on simply looks and that personality is an even bigger factor when choosing someone to be with. Then she went on to say something like "Okay me too. I'm not attracted to asians".

 

So, basically, you, as a non-racist, consider that an Asian man cannot be attractive physically. That is why she said "ok me too".

 

I am a man, and admit that there are women who do not attract me physically, but that has nothing to do with being racist but with personal taste. If you like chocolate, does that mean you are racist towards vanilla?

 

Personally I love Asian women very much. I love the fact they are generally thin and have super cute faces. Then again, this also apply to Asian men which makes them somehow less desirable.

 

Women like manly men, men like feminine women. This is why white guys (like me) cannot compete with the body of a black guy. They tend to have better bodies whether we like it or not. But this also means that as much as I love black chicks (again, I had some of them and they are absolutely great) generally speaking they tend to be more "rough" looking than other "races".

 

I don't think you family member was racist but realistic. But we have gone so far into the politically correct that we cannot distinguish the two anymore.

[SycamoreCircle]

I think the bigger red flag is that she trash talks her exes.

 

I have family members that make racially biased statements. And yes, the way your cousin's sister? worded that comes off racially charged. Thankfully they're not immediate family, so I don't have to contend with them on a routine basis.

 

My advice would be---if you only have to deal with this person on Thanksgiving and Aunt Donnie's 70th, ask yourself if it's worth a battle? If you do see her regularly and you detect genuine concern for your well-being, then maybe it's worth bringing up. To me, she sounds too petty to grasp her insensitivity. It also sounds like she probably talks sh#t about any and everybody, regardless.

 

All in all, keep her at a healthy arm's length.

[soret]

This is why I think she is being racist, and yes I pulled this quote from an article. The blanks can be filled with whatever race you choose to desire.

 

"Why is it racist? Because treating individual people as a monolithic group that you collectively accept or reject denies them the right to be viewed and judged as individuals. “I won’t date _________ people” means that you think _______ people have something universally in common that you don’t like, and since the only thing they have in common is a socially constructed and arbitrarily enforced categorization as ________, the thing you’re uncomfortable with is their race, and that is racist."

[soret]

So, basically, you, as a non-racist, consider that an Asian man cannot be attractive physically. That is why she said "ok me too".

 

 

She said "me too" to the fact that she will date someone over their personality rather then their looks. So yes, this is a hypocritical statement after saying she wont date asian men simply based off the way they look. It's shallow and racist.

[sandylee1]

I think it's a preference for the type of man she is attracted to. I would have thought as she's your cousin who you probably know quite well, that if she was racist, you would have known before now.

 

People are entitled to decide what race they want to date and I wouldn't label someone a racist for that reason alone. If she's said or done anything else, that indicates she dislikes a particular race, then I can see where you're coming from.

[preraph]

Not being attracted to certain races or cultures or how people dress or do their hair isn't racist. Now if she vehemently believes races shouldn't mix or has outlandish generalizations that have no basis in truth, that is racist.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

This is why I think she is being racist, and yes I pulled this quote from an article. The blanks can be filled with whatever race you choose to desire.

 

"Why is it racist? Because treating individual people as a monolithic group that you collectively accept or reject denies them the right to be viewed and judged as individuals. “I won’t date _________ people” means that you think _______ people have something universally in common that you don’t like, and since the only thing they have in common is a socially constructed and arbitrarily enforced categorization as ________, the thing you’re uncomfortable with is their race, and that is racist."

 

 

 

What??? This makes no sense.

 

 

I won't date MEN... and MEN have something universally common that I don't like !!!

 

 

Though I don't find it 'socially constructed' - (I think it was constructed in the womb, and unless there are two or more in there, it can't have been social )

 

 

 

"Racism" has nothing to do with your merely being uncomfortable with something.

 

"Racism" must arrive with an implication that one race is somehow better than another.

 

 

Now are you going to categorize me as being sexist merely because men (in your words) have "the thing I'm uncomfortable with" ... knowing in advance that it would also demand that I somehow think I am better than men????

 

 

Wow... just, wow...

[Radu]

Well, her saying "I'm not attracted to Asians" isn't racist. Everybody has their preferences whom they are attracted to, whether it be by race, hair colour, skin colour, age, gender. Some like older, some like younger..

 

Next time, if she says anything about it, tell her to mind her own business or just don't discuss anything personal with her anymore.

 

I think the same.

On a personal level ... i have a thing for olive skin. I did not know that made me a ginger/aryan hating bastard.

[Radu]

What??? This makes no sense.

 

 

I won't date MEN... and MEN have something universally common that I don't like !!!

 

 

Though I don't find it 'socially constructed' - (I think it was constructed in the womb, and unless there are two or more in there, it can't have been social )

 

 

 

"Racism" has nothing to do with your merely being uncomfortable with something.

 

"Racism" must arrive with an implication that one race is somehow better than another.

 

 

Now are you going to categorize me as being sexist merely because men (in your words) have "the thing I'm uncomfortable with" ... knowing in advance that it would also demand that I somehow think I am better than men????

 

 

Wow... just, wow...

 

You obviously hate all men and are a misandrist !

[soret]

I think the same.

On a personal level ... i have a thing for olive skin. I did not know that made me a ginger/aryan hating bastard.

 

So say you ended up having feelings for someone who had a skin variation other then your preferred choice of olive skin. Would you shut down said person because of your preference or could you look past the skin colour for the person they are?

 

This is my argument. Everyone has their own personal preference in appearances and I understand that. I never used to find asians attractive but when I met my boyfriend I realized that rejecting him because of his race was incredibly shallow. I really loved his personality and how he is as a person and I viewed him as a human being rather then viewing him based on his race.

 

In my cousins case she has only dated white men and only has white friends. I believe she has one asian friend but they are not close. So how can someone who has never experienced dating someone outside of their race quickly reject someone based on their appearance? This is why I think it is beyond just personal preference.

[soret]

What??? This makes no sense.

 

 

I won't date MEN... and MEN have something universally common that I don't like !!!

 

 

Though I don't find it 'socially constructed' - (I think it was constructed in the womb, and unless there are two or more in there, it can't have been social )

 

 

 

"Racism" has nothing to do with your merely being uncomfortable with something.

 

"Racism" must arrive with an implication that one race is somehow better than another.

 

 

Now are you going to categorize me as being sexist merely because men (in your words) have "the thing I'm uncomfortable with" ... knowing in advance that it would also demand that I somehow think I am better than men????

 

 

Wow... just, wow...

 

I believe that in this case race and gender are two separate things and I really don't understand the point you are trying to make.

[CC12]

I wouldn't necessarily call it a racist remark, but I do think she was taking a potshot at you and it's understandable that it pissed you off. She was pretty much saying that your ex is not attractive, while also implying that there's something wrong with your taste in men. But to give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe it was just a major foot-in-the-mouth moment.

 

I wouldn't confront her about it, though, unless she makes a habit of making ****ty comments like this. Then all you have to say is, "You've said similar things about my ex before and I don't like it and I wish you would stop."

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I really don't understand the point you are trying to make.

 

 

The point is, that someone saying:

 

"I'm not attracted to Asians" has nothing to do with racism.

 

 

I'm not attracted to men either... and that has nothing to do with sexism.

 

 

In order for my statement to qualify as "sexism", it would have to be accompanied by a statement or perception that I think myself somehow 'better' than men.

 

 

In order for your family member's statement to constitute "racism", it would have to be accompanied by her belief that one race is somehow "better" than any other race.

 

She didn't say that no Caucasians should date Asians, did she??

 

 

She can be attracted to whomever she chooses... and there is no justification for you to judge her for just that.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think the whole racism thing is blown out of proportion in the US today. It's this hypersensitivity to anything that could reflect the tiniest hint of racism is automatically blown out of proportion into full fledged kukluxklan mentality.

 

The reality is that it's more ignorance or unfamiliarity than actual racism...most people won't murder or leave someone in a distressful situation because of their race...they won't go out of their way to harm someone because of it either. Yes, socially speaking they may not care for another race and avoid them based on a fear of the unknown but that's more of an adopted mentality based on stereotypes and what that person knows/believes socially through their experience...which can be inherited from family or just certain people they were close to.

 

I think it's the hypersensitivity and hair trigger reaction to label a person a racist, in spite of other evidences that is a worse problem than actual racism. It's like the Spanish inquisition where you must provide ridiculous evidences to prove your innocence and disassociate yourself immediately lest you be butchered socially and easily.

 

This woman was merely talking crap to you, she doesn't like or respect you very much. She was being critical of you and your choices based on a relationship and perception of you, she was criticizing you...and maybe an idea of her own of what is "the best" and most valuable social status prize.

 

I also don't believe wanting to keep a bloodline unmixed is racism either. That's a cultural preference, and a personal choice. You can do what you want, and even express that...I think it's rude and lacks class but don't consider it racist.

 

My personal reason for this is because I am attracted to blonde women (I'm equal opportunity, liking all women) and if everyone boinks each other were eventually all going to be brown haired and brown eyed, so save the blondes so that my future sons may be able to see one in the wild...that is not just a brunette with dyed blonde hair and brown roots.

Edited March 20, 2015 by Ninjainpajamas

[soret]

The point is, that someone saying:

 

"I'm not attracted to Asians" has nothing to do with racism.

 

 

I'm not attracted to men either... and that has nothing to do with sexism.

 

 

In order for my statement to qualify as "sexism", it would have to be accompanied by a statement or perception that I think myself somehow 'better' than men.

 

 

In order for your family member's statement to constitute "racism", it would have to be accompanied by her belief that one race is somehow "better" than any other race.

 

She didn't say that no Caucasians should date Asians, did she??

 

 

She can be attracted to whomever she chooses... and there is no justification for you to judge her for just that.

 

I'm going to assume you are a man based upon your username and if you are a woman who is simply only attracted to woman. Sexual preference is not a choice since it it something a person is born with. No one choose to be heterosexual, homosexual, pansexual, asexual etc.

 

Personal preference to someones physical appearance is something no one is born with and it is simply based upon experience. This analogy doesn't even work. No one is born knowing they only want to date blonds for example and you simply cannot compare them as such.

 

The fact that my cousin asked me if I was ever attracted to him was a warning flag for me. Who in their right mind would date someone they weren't attracted to? That just doesn't make sense... possibly for a woman who is using a man but I am not that type of person and I am close with my cousin and she knows what I am like as a person. The question was uncalled for and being in a interracial relationship is hard enough so maybe I was a bit on edge with comments from friends and simply just the staring from random strangers when him and I were together. I do have to tell you this though, my aunt asked my cousin what my boyfriends name was back when him and I first started dating. My cousin told me that when her mother asked she forgot his name and she simply said his name was "asian" and laughed about it like it was some big joke. At the time I thought it was no big deal but it just validates that SHE has the problem with it when it is really none of her business.

 

Simply saying she is not attracted to asian men simply tells me that she thinks she is superior to asian men and only white men are on her level. She has never dated outside her race so how would she even know what it is like.... especially when she says personality is more important then looks. You can disagree with me all you want but if a person wont date a certain race then they are being prejudice against said race.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I'm going to assume you are a man based upon your username and if you are a woman who is simply only attracted to woman. Sexual preference is not a choice since it it something a person is born with. No one choose to be heterosexual, homosexual, pansexual, asexual etc.

 

Personal preference to someones physical appearance is something no one is born with and it is simply based upon experience. This analogy doesn't even work. No one is born knowing they only want to date blonds for example and you simply cannot compare them as such.

 

The fact that my cousin asked me if I was ever attracted to him was a warning flag for me. Who in their right mind would date someone they weren't attracted to? That just doesn't make sense... possibly for a woman who is using a man but I am not that type of person and I am close with my cousin and she knows what I am like as a person. The question was uncalled for and being in a interracial relationship is hard enough so maybe I was a bit on edge with comments from friends and simply just the staring from random strangers when him and I were together. I do have to tell you this though, my aunt asked my cousin what my boyfriends name was back when him and I first started dating. My cousin told me that when her mother asked she forgot his name and she simply said his name was "asian" and laughed about it like it was some big joke. At the time I thought it was no big deal but it just validates that SHE has the problem with it when it is really none of her business.

 

Simply saying she is not attracted to asian men simply tells me that she thinks she is superior to asian men and only white men are on her level. She has never dated outside her race so how would she even know what it is like.... especially when she says personality is more important then looks. You can disagree with me all you want but if a person wont date a certain race then they are being prejudice against said race.

 

 

 

What doesn't work here, is your absurd logic:

 

 

We start out with sexual preference, which you so wisely observe is not a choice... while seemingly forgetting that race is not a choice either.

 

(*everyone else knows as much)

 

 

"no one is born knowing they only want to date blonds" ???

 

exactly how do YOU know this?? and Can you prove it?

 

(I mean, people are given nipples before it is even determined whether they are going to be male, or female... so how is it that you profess to know that "no one is born knowing they only want to date blonds")

 

How about the possibility that those in the womb have no idea what race they are... and WHAT IF it is indeed decided long before birth that someone will only want to date blonds, and won't date Asians, etc. and only then does this same person eventually learn from parents just what race they are.

 

And along those lines, it has been a scientific Rubik's Cube for a long time to search for the gay gene... now IF so many can theorize for so long that sexual preferences are determined in the womb, and not by the widespread terrible environments once outside, then why would you draw the line and insist that a preference for blonds isn't determined in the womb as well?

 

 

As for your cousin... it has never been about whether you were ever attracted to him... she may have been testing your answers now, in the past tense.

 

Unless, of course, you think there are no women anywhere who might... just might use the line "I was never attracted to you" (after X years of dating)

 

 

And we're not debating whether "the question was (un)called for"... just that, nothing you have said clarifies "racism".

 

Now surely a conversationalist like yourself could finesse discussion around and around until you trapped such a blatantly racist (minus the blatant) individual into saying something racist... IF, that is, she were racist.

 

... particularly when you're so close with your cousin.

 

 

And now you mention your aunt... well what if your cousin is a flaming racist, and she was infected with that racism in the womb???

 

And what if, consequently, you are blaming the wrong person??

 

 

Beyond that, how on earth do you derive from one mention of someone not attracted to Asian men that "only white men are on her level"... and that she isn't attracted to individuals of some other race (perhaps rather secretively, given your family)???

 

Finally, just how is it that you are suddenly backpedaling and introducing mere prejudice into the conversation, when you were earlier so eagerly and happily hurling accusations of racism ??

 

 

Guess what - prejudice is still widely practiced, and completely common where it concerns dating preferences. Prejudice in dating isn't even frowned upon as a general rule. You can be prejudiced against short men, against tall women, against overweight anybody, against multi-daters/non-monogamous, against divorcees, against parents... go ahead - everybody else does!

 

 

But for heaven's sake, stop hurling the 'racist' claims when you have nothing to substantiate what you're saying.

 

 

PS - good job assuming I am a man.

[soret]

What doesn't work here, is your absurd logic:

 

 

We start out with sexual preference, which you so wisely observe is not a choice... while seemingly forgetting that race is not a choice either.

 

(*everyone else knows as much)

 

 

"no one is born knowing they only want to date blonds" ???

 

exactly how do YOU know this?? and Can you prove it?

 

(I mean, people are given nipples before it is even determined whether they are going to be male, or female... so how is it that you profess to know that "no one is born knowing they only want to date blonds")

 

How about the possibility that those in the womb have no idea what race they are... and WHAT IF it is indeed decided long before birth that someone will only want to date blonds, and won't date Asians, etc. and only then does this same person eventually learn from parents just what race they are.

 

And along those lines, it has been a scientific Rubik's Cube for a long time to search for the gay gene... now IF so many can theorize for so long that sexual preferences are determined in the womb, and not by the widespread terrible environments once outside, then why would you draw the line and insist that a preference for blonds isn't determined in the womb as well?

 

 

As for your cousin... it has never been about whether you were ever attracted to him... she may have been testing your answers now, in the past tense.

 

Unless, of course, you think there are no women anywhere who might... just might use the line "I was never attracted to you" (after X years of dating)

 

 

And we're not debating whether "the question was (un)called for"... just that, nothing you have said clarifies "racism".

 

Now surely a conversationalist like yourself could finesse discussion around and around until you trapped such a blatantly racist (minus the blatant) individual into saying something racist... IF, that is, she were racist.

 

... particularly when you're so close with your cousin.

 

 

And now you mention your aunt... well what if your cousin is a flaming racist, and she was infected with that racism in the womb???

 

And what if, consequently, you are blaming the wrong person??

 

 

Beyond that, how on earth do you derive from one mention of someone not attracted to Asian men that "only white men are on her level"... and that she isn't attracted to individuals of some other race (perhaps rather secretively, given your family)???

 

Finally, just how is it that you are suddenly backpedaling and introducing mere prejudice into the conversation, when you were earlier so eagerly and happily hurling accusations of racism ??

 

 

Guess what - prejudice is still widely practiced, and completely common where it concerns dating preferences. Prejudice in dating isn't even frowned upon as a general rule. You can be prejudiced against short men, against tall women, against overweight anybody, against multi-daters/non-monogamous, against divorcees, against parents... go ahead - everybody else does!

 

 

But for heaven's sake, stop hurling the 'racist' claims when you have nothing to substantiate what you're saying.

 

 

PS - good job assuming I am a man.

 

You're really going over the top here. I came here for advice and insight. Just because I have a different opinion on my own family member doesn't give you the right to ridicule my beliefs. If I think she is racist then that is what I'm going to think despite what you say.

 

If you want to believe that a fetus develops sexual preference in the womb then thats fine but I don't believe in that because I believe that happens around the time of puberty.

 

This is all I'm going to say to you.