Heatherrigdon Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 We've been together for almost a year. Best times of my life. We were in love, we connected in a very emotional, physical and even spiritual ways. I have never been this intimate with anyone before. I was married with no kids when we met, now I'm separated, not because of him, I was just unhappy. But that changes the dynamic of things since he is still married. He is a lot older than I am and he has much more at stake to break up his marriage, with kids, business, etc. His relationship with his wife is similar to what I had with my ex, more like friendship and partnership but no romance, passion or sex. He believes that we can have a long and happy affair when we were both married and unhappy. Now that I'm not, he does not want to be in a way of me finding someone I can start a new life with, especially if I want kids since he is past the age of having kids again, and he has had a vasectomy, not sure if it's reversible or not. I honestly not sure what I want. I feel like I need to choose between being with him but living with guilt, loneliness, fear, or starting a new life without him. What if I don't want a new life? What if I don't want kids? Then can I be with him forever? But even so there is always the risk of getting caught. I've tried breaking it off a few times in the past but always gave in and contacted him back. This time I hope it's for real. I feel somehow that he has made his decision by choosing not to leave his family for me, and I need to make mine by choosing not to live in a shadow for the rest of my life. But now realizing I might not see him, hold him, kiss him, talk to him ever again hurts so bad! I don't really have anyone to share this with so it is really hard going through this without having a support system. Hoping maybe I can find that here with people who has been through what I have. Many thanks for reading this, any comments or suggestions are kindly appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 If you choose him you may resent it in the future for not having kids. Also, he would never be able to spend any real time with you, like holidays, because his kids will always come before you. Think about it. You deserve someone just for you. If you found him than chances are you will find someone else who will do anything for you.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Go on with your life. Grieve the loss, for however long it takes and don't look back. Your (ex)MM isn't half as unhappy as he says he is. He never had any intention of leaving and divorcing his wife to be with you, it seems like he was just loving having you on the side to fulfill needs that weren't being met at home by his wife. Now that you're available and free, that scares him and that's why he's encouraging you to date others - He doesn't want you to hang onto him and hope that he will be yours someday. It was an affair to him, even if he loves you, it's not enough for him to start over. You loved him and wanted more.. Stay strong and do NC, NC is for you to detach, to grieve, to heal. You will hurt for a while but you'll survive and come out stronger and wiser. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnie33 Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Do you want to give up your life and your own chance at marriage and children to be this guys secret? You want to watch him live his life while you are standing in the shadows not living yours? Move on. He's telling you that he would have continued the affair forever with you if you stayed married because it worked for him then. You were both taken and he only had to give you the same amount you could give him. Now you are single and it's unbalanced and he doesn't want the extra responsibility. I know it hurts like hell, I'm going thru it too but my affair was two years and I wish I would have left a year sooner. Move on, meet a single guy and live your life. If you stay with this guy you will regret it later. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 While you were married it was perfect for him. Once you left your husband for him, which you can say you didn't, but many of us have been at this along time so I guessing you did, it got real. You went from a fun good time on the side to someone that was a threat to his comfortable way of life. He may love you, but only in the nicely packaged box of his very married girlfriend. Single doesn't sound as good. Single means you will start placing demends. That isn't what he signed up for. Give yourself some time alone, I guessing with distance from MM your marriage and husband may not look so bad 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heatherrigdon Posted March 14, 2015 Author Share Posted March 14, 2015 Thanks all, it helps to see those words from outside my own head, they reaffirm my decision, will try my best to do NC with him. He wants us to stay in touch and be friends but he said he will understand if that will be too hard for me. I asked him not to contact me first. I will contact him when I'm ready. Really hope to get over this soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnie33 Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Thanks all, it helps to see those words from outside my own head, they reaffirm my decision, will try my best to do NC with him. He wants us to stay in touch and be friends but he said he will understand if that will be too hard for me. I asked him not to contact me first. I will contact him when I'm ready. Really hope to get over this soon. The staying in touch will be an EA and his way of keeping the lines open. My AP and I tried the friends thing a million times only to end up right back where we were. I realize finally that you can't be friends with someone you are in love with. It has to be all or nothing if you are planning to end it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Please don't fool yourself into believing you two can be 'friends'. It's one thing to reach out to him for a closure talk, it's another to talk to him and be friendly. You need to detach and not rely on him at all for anything. He isn't your friend (anymore) and any friendship will prevent you from totally letting go, ridding of feelings for him and finding someone else. I hope he respects your wish to stay in NC mode. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heatherrigdon Posted March 14, 2015 Author Share Posted March 14, 2015 While you were married it was perfect for him. Once you left your husband for him, which you can say you didn't, but many of us have been at this along time so I guessing you did, it got real. You went from a fun good time on the side to someone that was a threat to his comfortable way of life. He may love you, but only in the nicely packaged box of his very married girlfriend. Single doesn't sound as good. Single means you will start placing demends. That isn't what he signed up for. Give yourself some time alone, I guessing with distance from MM your marriage and husband may not look so bad Thanks DKT3, that does make sense. I have however decided that I was going to leave my marriage before I met him. He did help me move the process along, gave me the confidence I needed to go back out there, and he showed me how it feels to be loved and adored by someone. With or without my MM I will not go back to my ex. When I decided to leave him, I have made up my mind that I would rather be alone then be married to him. I love children but I can't imagine having kids with him. I will need to be content being myself or if God willing maybe I can find someone I want to have kids with Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heatherrigdon Posted March 14, 2015 Author Share Posted March 14, 2015 Will it ever get any easier? This NC thing? How long did it take for you to get over it and move on? My heart aches thinking about never seeing him ever again. But I know you are right. If we were to be friends we would go straight to where we were. I was actually even thinking of moving to a different state, start a new life away from both my ex and MM. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnie33 Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Will it ever get any easier? This NC thing? How long did it take for you to get over it and move on? My heart aches thinking about never seeing him ever again. But I know you are right. If we were to be friends we would go straight to where we were. I was actually even thinking of moving to a different state, start a new life away from both my ex and MM. I think it's different for everyone but it also depends if you are ready or not. I have tried 3 times before and failed at everyone. The first one was 6 weeks and I went back because I missed him so much. Everytime we broke it we went right back to the affair. The difference this time for is that I now know there is no future. He is getting engaged soon to his gf and knowing I will never be more then the OW changed something for me. I always hoped that we would end up together but now knowing we won't changes everything. I love him, I will always love him but I can't watch his life go on without me. I would rather never see him or talk to him again as much as the thought hurts me. If you aren't ready NC won't last but try anyway. Sometimes you have to fake it till you make it. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Some of them know that's unfair to you as a SOW, since they plan to stay married and they make the decision for you to let the A go, and also, I believe, because it scares them that you would find another man while he's still in love with you. He can not compete and offer you what you deserve, what a single man can. They would lose and they don't like losing. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Will it ever get any easier? This NC thing? How long did it take for you to get over it and move on? My heart aches thinking about never seeing him ever again. But I know you are right. If we were to be friends we would go straight to where we were. I was actually even thinking of moving to a different state, start a new life away from both my ex and MM. It does get easier Im here to say after maannny years of a strong loving close ea and followedby friendship that took us back and forth into ea and back out again...just literally years on this roller coaster ride...it came to a screeching ugly halt...now a solid month into NC the tears are dried...the pain has substantially weakened. I am married as well and did relocate to a new state where there are no reminders and triggers. That did help the healing very much. There were days in the beginning I could barely function and cried every single minute I was alone. I never dreamed Id be able to survive the huge void we were SO close and talked every day. In the beginning it felt like my worst nightmare. Now...Im ok. Not 100% but I know I am foing great and will not turn back. You can do this. Your free. I know your in alot of pain, sending hugs and just know nothing but strict NC will help you. Delete every reminder...just one foot in front of the other its going to be ok. Hang in there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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