BetrayedH Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 BetrayedH, we both have iPhones with iOS 8, so we have both shared our location with the other, meaning we can see where the other is as long as the phone is on and charged. We've had our phones set this way since iOS 8 came out. We also have shared an Apple ID for a while now, so if he downloads an app on his phone or iPad, it also downloads to my phone, so I know he's not downloading texting apps or anything. Mr. Lucky, we had just reconciled from an emotional affair at that time, so there were huge trust issues. Yes, it was a pita to do all that, but it was necessary for my peace of mind and I didn't think that it would go on forever. I thought we'd eventually get past all of it completely. And yes, March 30 seems about a thousand years away right now. Sounds like you've done your homework. Of course, he could just be using a separate pre-paid phone or some other such nonsense. As I said earlier, I don't think you have much choice but to wait for the paternity results. The reality is that one of them has been dishonest with you since Dday. It could be that she is just trying to stir up trouble. Or it could be that he's kept the affair ongoing. At least you'll have that answer in a few weeks. In the meantime, I feel for you but wouldn't recommend that you jump to any conclusions either way. If he's been truthful, I'd hate to see her get a victory by telling lies. Some OW do hope for that. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Well if he's unable to test the baby then how is the test arranged to happen at the end of the month then? Can it be done sooner than that? Or has it already been done and that when the results are expected? And you say he hasn't been in touch with her - you can't possibly know that for sure. Based on their secrecy in the past without you knowing - you kind of have to assume they have still kept in contact. How about that polygraph? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Well if he's unable to test the baby then how is the test arranged to happen at the end of the month then? Can it be done sooner than that? Or has it already been done and that when the results are expected? And you say he hasn't been in touch with her - you can't possibly know that for sure. Based on their secrecy in the past without you knowing - you kind of have to assume they have still kept in contact. How about that polygraph? OP said that the OW had previously refused a pre-natal blood test. Baby was born last month and is scheduled for a paternity test on March 30th (I'm assuming at the request of the OW - OP said they received a letter that it was scheduled). OP, I'm assuming that the paternity test would also require DNA from your fiance to determine if they are a match. How is all of this being coordinated? I'm also guessing that the test will take some time to process. I'm afraid you're in for a wait beyond March 30th. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SoUnsure78 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 The test is being coordinated by the local child support office. The swabs will be taken on March 30th, and the letter said results would be mailed to everyone within 30 days, although I'm told by a few people that have done this process that it usually takes 1-2 weeks for results. And yes, the other woman began this process to prove paternity, which is an alarm to me. Looking at it from my perspective, I would never request a paternity test if I knew there was no way, kwim? I'm already starting to figure out how to split up certain things that we have together and what I'm going to do about certain things provided the results show he is the father. There is no staying together or working it out when/if that happens, and I'm sure it's been said on this board before, but I swear it. I can't bear the thought of it and there's no way our relationship could make it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SoUnsure78 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 Well if he's unable to test the baby then how is the test arranged to happen at the end of the month then? Can it be done sooner than that? Or has it already been done and that when the results are expected? And you say he hasn't been in touch with her - you can't possibly know that for sure. Based on their secrecy in the past without you knowing - you kind of have to assume they have still kept in contact. How about that polygraph? I wouldn't know the first thing about setting a polygraph up. And if the dna results show him to have fathered this child, there's really no need for a polygraph. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 There is no staying together or working it out when/if that happens, and I'm sure it's been said on this board before, but I swear it. I can't bear the thought of it and there's no way our relationship could make it. I may have not been here since this forum first went online but except for the occasional foolish OW I have yet to read about someone going for a cheater who impregnated someone. The only sad thing here is that you even consider staying with him and are fine with his cheating as long as it doesn't result in unwanted kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 What I hope I am showing my kids is that everybody deserves the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I am doing the wrong thing, but I just feel like I have to see it through. This is exactly what you DONT want to teach children. Not everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. When someone pulls up in a van offering them free candy, you want them to be skeptical. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SoUnsure78 Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 I may have not been here since this forum first went online but except for the occasional foolish OW I have yet to read about someone going for a cheater who impregnated someone. The only sad thing here is that you even consider staying with him and are fine with his cheating as long as it doesn't result in unwanted kids. Well, that's not true at all. I gave him a chance after he cheated. People reconcile everyday. If I had proof that he had cheated again then we would have already been done bc I told him he had only one chance. I tried to find proof. I grilled the other woman, I tried to find other accounts, I drove myself crazy trying to find something, and I didn't find anything. This paternity test is the only thing I have that will be definitive. You may see it differently but it's easy to advise when you aren't in the situation yourself. I do appreciate everyone's comments, it has certainly given me a lot to think about. I just don't see why I would throw my on the mend relationship away because of what the other woman says, with no proof. Who knows, maybe I am delusional, but I am honestly thinking of every angle and every what if, and all the valid points brought up by everyone here, and trying to make the decision that is best for me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SoUnsure78 Posted April 24, 2015 Author Share Posted April 24, 2015 I don't know if anyone is still checking this thread, but the results came in on April 13, and it is his baby. For as much as I thought I had prepared myself, this has crushed me. Of course he is gone now, but he has texted and called me nonstop, saying he wants to fix things and he knows he can make it right. I haven't budged, bc I just know I can't do it. But I am so devastated. So there's the update, in case anyone wondered. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
I_Give_Up67 Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 I hope you can move on now and find happiness without this jerk. Having followed your thread, I was hoping for the best. Thank you for the update and good luck! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 I don't know if anyone is still checking this thread, but the results came in on April 13, and it is his baby. For as much as I thought I had prepared myself, this has crushed me. Of course he is gone now, but he has texted and called me nonstop, saying he wants to fix things and he knows he can make it right. I haven't budged, bc I just know I can't do it. But I am so devastated. So there's the update, in case anyone wondered. Thanks for coming back and updating. I am sorry this has happened to you. Good on you though for tossing him to the curb. He is a profound lier and manipulator. He can't make this right no matter what he does or says. He has looked you in the eye and lied a thousand times. He has had a thousand opportunities to come clean and he instead chose to dig himself in deeper each and every time at every opportunity. God only knows what else he is capable of. This is the kind of man that is dangerous to have around your children. He lack of moral compass and character knows no boundary. Look up and do "the 180" to the letter and don't look back. Do everything you can to distance yourself from him. Change you number. Change your emails. Move. Contact a lawyer and have him served with no-contact papers. Report him to the authorities and charge him with harassment/stalking if he violates it. There are hills worth dying on. Getting this man out of your life and away from your children is one of them. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 I don't know if anyone is still checking this thread, but the results came in on April 13, and it is his baby. For as much as I thought I had prepared myself, this has crushed me. Of course he is gone now, but he has texted and called me nonstop, saying he wants to fix things and he knows he can make it right. I haven't budged, bc I just know I can't do it. But I am so devastated. So there's the update, in case anyone wondered. Having followed your thread, I was hoping for the best. SoUnsure78, I'm sure it's hard to see right now but I'd gently suggest this outcome is the best. Thank Heavens you didn't waste one more with this lying user. Tough pill to swallow but at least you can move on with your life. Stay strong and keep posting... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 I had read your thread while you were posting, but never commented. I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I was rooting for you. I think you did the most that could ever be expected from a partner. You showed faith, trust, and solidarity right up to the end. That really speaks to the quality of your character, and I want you to know that I very much admire you for it. You are so much better than him, and deserve so much better. Good for you for being strong and getting him out of your life. What's important now is that you keep him out. Take some time and allow yourself to grieve. And please feel free to keep posting here if you ever need encouragement. You seem like a really great lady, and I wish you all the best. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 but he has texted and called me nonstop, saying he wants to fix things and he knows he can make it right. Stand your ground. He's just pissed he's stuck with his sidechick. It's not your responsibility to fix his life, you're not his mother or caretaker. And if you were to marry him and he'd lose his job, it is you who has to pay child support. Don't fall into this trap. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 You are better off without such a liar. He was obviously hoping it was someone else's child, then he would have denied and you would have believed him. Stay NC. Tell him to leave you alone. He had his chance. He cheated once and you stayed with him. He'll only do it again. There are better guys out there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 He cheated once "Once"? Judging from her entry post he has been cheating the entire time except for maybe the first month. If his affair hadn't double-crossed him by getting pregnant he'd still be with OP because he knows it's very rare to find "benefit of the doubt" ladies anymore who will believe whatever he says. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lookingforclosure Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 I don't know if anyone is still checking this thread, but the results came in on April 13, and it is his baby. For as much as I thought I had prepared myself, this has crushed me. Of course he is gone now, but he has texted and called me nonstop, saying he wants to fix things and he knows he can make it right. I haven't budged, bc I just know I can't do it. But I am so devastated. So there's the update, in case anyone wondered. Sorry you are dealing with this...when my xH and I were separated he got another girl pregnant within 7 weeks. Then wondered why I wouldn't give him a chance on making our marriage work. Take care of yourself now more than ever Hugs Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 I can only echo what the others are saying...stick to your guns. I can handle people making mistakes, expressing remorse, and learning from them. But that didn't happen with him. He bold-faced lied to you until a paternity test had to prove him wrong. A spouse is supposed to be the one person in life that is your partner and always has your back. Personally, I don't need a partner that has no problem lying straight to my face. No thanks. I do find it somewhat comical that he says he can fix all of this. Does he have a time machine? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 If his affair hadn't double-crossed him by getting pregnant he'd still be with OP because he knows it's very rare to find "benefit of the doubt" ladies anymore who will believe whatever he says. Agree, she should consider herself lucky he's a fertile guy. Had he dodged the pregnancy bullet, he was home free and back in the OP's house and bed. I can only imagine the heartache and betrayal she'd be posting 10 or 20 years from now... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 Agree, she should consider herself lucky he's a fertile guy. Had he dodged the pregnancy bullet, he was home free and back in the OP's house and bed. I can only imagine the heartache and betrayal she'd be posting 10 or 20 years from now... Mr. Lucky I doubt it would have taken that long! OP, I am so sorry for your devastating news. But I join the chorus in suggesting you dodged the bullet. You gave him a second chance already. He took it and got the same woman pregnant. You would never trust him and your marriage would not be off to a good start. There is nothing he can do to "fix this." He had that chance and royally blew it. Sorry to say I am on these boards b/c I cheated on my H. Long before my 20ish year marriage, I was engaged to someone else. He cheated on me and I ended it straight away. After that I met my future H, 10x the man as my former fiance. I believe fate has intervened for a reason and bigger and better things are headed your way soon! Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 I don't know if anyone is still checking this thread, but the results came in on April 13, and it is his baby. For as much as I thought I had prepared myself, this has crushed me. Of course he is gone now, but he has texted and called me nonstop, saying he wants to fix things and he knows he can make it right. I haven't budged, bc I just know I can't do it. But I am so devastated. So there's the update, in case anyone wondered. Another lurker who was reading your thread and not posting. I am so sorry to hear this news. I can't even begin to imagine the pain. Stay away from this man. He is not someone you need in your life. Being single forever would be better than a life with this person. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Every day, just one foot in front of the other. Time heals all wounds. And time wounds all heals. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnsonBaby Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 My best friend just went through this with her ex except he cheated on her and got them both pregnant. My bestfriend and him were broken up when she found out she was two months prego and he told everyone it wasn't his. Told his new gf who was also prego that it wasn't his. My bestfriend had her son, went to court, got the paternity test ordered and of course the baby was his. Now after a year and a half and lawyers he has to pay her a lot of money and back pay for the time he ignored and denied his child. On another note I was having an affair for two years. We hooked up during our lunch break almost everyday. His girlfriend of two years has no idea and neither did my husband. For the first year we used a texting app that doesn't show up on a phone bill and then we used iMessaging which does not show up on your phone bill because it's data. I'm just telling you this to show you that no matter how monitored you think you have him people in affairs find become very good at finding ways to keep in contact. Your friend is pretty stupid for depriving her child of his father just for revenge and a few bucks . If she knew anything about child's development she would have out her pride aside and put her son first. Money is not that important people. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 Your friend is pretty stupid for depriving her child of his father just for revenge and a few bucks . If she knew anything about child's development she would have out her pride aside and put her son first. Money is not that important people. She never said her friend denied the father access. She said he denied.the baby. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SoUnsure78 Posted April 26, 2015 Author Share Posted April 26, 2015 Thanks you guys, for the support and the sympathy. I do appreciate all of it and I'll be around reading, if nothing else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted April 26, 2015 Share Posted April 26, 2015 See it from a positive point of view - the other girl is stuck with him for life. You're free. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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