Just need a friendly voice...

[Nikki Sahagin]

Hi all,

 

first time posting in this section.

 

Been with my bf a year. Didn't know he was an addict when we first met. I fell for him and slowly the truth of his addiction came out. He used to be an alcoholic so sometimes binges and is addicted to weed.

 

I wouldn't say I'm anti-drug but I'm not interested. I have tried weed a handful of times (all since I've been with him) and didn't like it. I honestly find it the most overhyped drug ever. It just made me feel a bit sleepy and slightly more relaxed.

 

The problem for me mainly is that I feel I can't connect to my bf when he is high. I'm sure most of you know what I mean.

 

It's like being the only sober one at a party...

Or being drunk and trying to get sober people to understand you...

 

He laughs at nothing, repeats himself, doesn't remember what I say and makes me so mad because his conversation becomes as inane and pointless as a 3 year old childs. Things that are not a big deal are amazing. I feel like everything is false when he is like this; his compliments are not real, his interest is not real. He can get sucked into a video game for hours without looking up. He will just be silent, sucked into an inane activity, sleep and then get the munchies.

 

The thing is...

 

I know really that I shouldn't be with him because of it, but he has so many other qualities that I love. He is loyal, affectionate, loving and I really am in love with him. I don't feel I am ready to leave him yet.

 

I'm really just venting because I want to know if it gets easier? If it's worth it? If they can change?

 

Or have I fallen in love with a fake?

 

I wouldn't mind if he was an occassional user but an addict is just so much to handle.

[pie2]

What are your life goals?

 

Where do you see this relationship going? Marriage? Children? Or a partnership with this dynamic for the next few years/decades?

 

How does an addict fit in to your life goals? What would be the pros and cons of being with an addict in terms of meeting those goals?

 

Addicts are usually escaping something...pain, reality, responsibility etc. Do you have a history with an absentee parent? You seem so okay with this dynamic, as if you are used to being treated this way.

 

Before you make any decisions one way or another, I would look into Al-anon. There, you'll find great advice from people who have been there before.

 

Also, only Jesus can really fill the hole in your heart...the hole that longs for love, affection and commitment. I pray that you find peace, and can consider God's love for your life.

 

God bless.

[Tayla]

Sometimes its better to NOT compromise. Anytime you give permission that its okay if they do it a little bit (occassionally) , you pretty much endorsed their drug of choice.

 

I would suggest that you lay it on the line with him directly. Somethings need to be a statement and not a choice. Make it such.

[Nikki Sahagin]

What are your life goals?

 

Where do you see this relationship going? Marriage? Children? Or a partnership with this dynamic for the next few years/decades?

 

How does an addict fit in to your life goals? What would be the pros and cons of being with an addict in terms of meeting those goals?

 

Addicts are usually escaping something...pain, reality, responsibility etc. Do you have a history with an absentee parent? You seem so okay with this dynamic, as if you are used to being treated this way.

 

Before you make any decisions one way or another, I would look into Al-anon. There, you'll find great advice from people who have been there before.

 

Also, only Jesus can really fill the hole in your heart...the hole that longs for love, affection and commitment. I pray that you find peace, and can consider God's love for your life.

 

God bless.

 

My life goals are to be in a steady partnership that evolves. I don't think about marriage or kids; I just want a good, strong relationship.

 

I'd like my own place, self-employed, travel a lot with my partner. Live a free, happy life full of adventure.

 

Pros and cons...

 

Well...

 

My bf might struggle with money or the drug can zap his motivation and take away his growth...I wonder if he could grow with me as I want.

 

I can't really think of a pro except that I love him and what he offers me in other ways does make me feel wonderful MOST of the time. Obviously, that is matched with the misery or disappointment of his addiction.

 

I grew up with both parents. My mum was affectionate, loving. My dad loved me a lot but was always working; never said he loved me and not many cuddles. Buys me gifts a lot rather than real connection. He had a rough childhood. He was always been there physically and provided for us, just maybe he wasn't there emotionally so absent in that sense yes.

[pie2]

My life goals are to be in a steady partnership that evolves. I don't think about marriage or kids; I just want a good, strong relationship.

 

I'd like my own place, self-employed, travel a lot with my partner. Live a free, happy life full of adventure.

 

Your life-goals sound amazing, Nikki . I admire what you're wanting to do. It sounds like you value independence in many ways (wanting to be on your own, self-employed, free to travel).

 

What are some steps you're taking to reach the goals of:

 

1. Moving out on your own?
   
2. Becoming self-employed?
   
3. Forming a stable relationship with a partner?
   

You don't have to answer here or anything. They're just questions for your to think about, with the hope that you are taking active steps towards you goals, and, if not, get you thinking about what steps you can start to take.

 

 

Pros and cons...

 

Well...

 

My bf might struggle with money or the drug can zap his motivation and take away his growth...I wonder if he could grow with me as I want.

 

I can't really think of a pro except that I love him and what he offers me in other ways does make me feel wonderful MOST of the time. Obviously, that is matched with the misery or disappointment of his addiction.

 

Based on what you might have read on LS, or based on people in your life, what does love mean to you? What are some traits of a relationship that lead to happy, fulfilling long-term commitment? Do you think that the feelings last? If the feelings were gone, what would the relationship consist of?

 

Again, you don't have to answer here. Just things to think about.

 

After the initial stage of the relationship (1-3 years), the feelings change, and most people are left with the reality of the partnership.

 

I grew up with both parents. My mum was affectionate, loving. My dad loved me a lot but was always working; never said he loved me and not many cuddles. Buys me gifts a lot rather than real connection. He had a rough childhood. He was always been there physically and provided for us, just maybe he wasn't there emotionally so absent in that sense yes.

 

I'm sure parenting is never easy. It sounds like both of your parents care(d) for you, in their own ways. It's hard when one parent isn't there emotionally sometimes. You seem to have learned the importance of taking care of yourself, which is a valuable skill.

[Zippity-Doo-Dah]

Hi Nikki. I'll be a friendly voice and tell you what I would tell myself if I could talk to the younger me. Addiction is a sad, sad thing and you are so lucky to realize NOW what you are dealing with. You need to know that you are always going to be growing upwards and reaching outwards and your partner is not going to be able to share that with you. You won't notice it happening at first (actually, you are already noticing it) but over time you will see that you are far, far apart from each other and no matter how you felt in the beginning, you are going to grow lonely, sad, angry, resentful, and eventually just worn out from trying. You are going to grow, he isn't. You are going to want to experience life and he will hold you back. You will compromise, and he won't notice. You will try, and he won't. You are a good person but who you are right now will be compromised and you will shut down. You'll try to do the right thing, even if it isn't appreciated. You will stop smiling. You will stop laughing. You will cry. A lot. You will give up your dreams. And he won't notice.

 

It hurts to walk away from someone you care about. I know. I stayed. And it has not ended up well. If I could go back and talk to 'me' twenty years ago, I'd tell myself it's going to hurt to leave, it's going to be sad and you'll feel like a terrible person - but if you don't go now, it gets harder. Time won't work for you, it will work against you. You didn't know what you were getting into, but it won't get better. It's ok to love him and still walk away. Because you have to love yourself more than you love him. It takes strength and courage to walk away, but if you stay where you are, you will always be where you are. It's just. not. worth it.

 

Be strong and brave and happy. You are worth it.

 

Zip

[todreaminblue]

Hey Nikki...dont compromise your happiness for another's high.......i know exactly what its liek to try to talk to someone who is stoned.

 

I also know what its like to have to deal with them when they are hanging out..the nastiness and what they really think of me........i help drug addicts...i would never again date one....never......i dont mind being a support person to a friend with a drug problem.....the last thing i need in my life is to have to be the other half of an addict......i have been there done that.....got the scars to prove it...emotional and physical

 

 

dont compromise...either your bf loves you and he goes to rehab or cleans himself up ...so the drugs arent his first love but you are......or you walk.....walk away.......deb

[TaylorTrek]

well if you still love him don't leave him stay beside him. the only thing that you don't like is his addiction so help him to get rid of that. did you try to seek help to anyone? did you try to search on internet? try to look for a Better Place Recovery Center i'm sure you will find one. start the first step to his recovery.

[Poppyolive]

Hi Nikki. I'll be a friendly voice and tell you what I would tell myself if I could talk to the younger me. Addiction is a sad, sad thing and you are so lucky to realize NOW what you are dealing with. You need to know that you are always going to be growing upwards and reaching outwards and your partner is not going to be able to share that with you. You won't notice it happening at first (actually, you are already noticing it) but over time you will see that you are far, far apart from each other and no matter how you felt in the beginning, you are going to grow lonely, sad, angry, resentful, and eventually just worn out from trying. You are going to grow, he isn't. You are going to want to experience life and he will hold you back. You will compromise, and he won't notice. You will try, and he won't. You are a good person but who you are right now will be compromised and you will shut down. You'll try to do the right thing, even if it isn't appreciated. You will stop smiling. You will stop laughing. You will cry. A lot. You will give up your dreams. And he won't notice.

 

It hurts to walk away from someone you care about. I know. I stayed. And it has not ended up well. If I could go back and talk to 'me' twenty years ago, I'd tell myself it's going to hurt to leave, it's going to be sad and you'll feel like a terrible person - but if you don't go now, it gets harder. Time won't work for you, it will work against you. You didn't know what you were getting into, but it won't get better. It's ok to love him and still walk away. Because you have to love yourself more than you love him. It takes strength and courage to walk away, but if you stay where you are, you will always be where you are. It's just. not. worth it.

 

Be strong and brave and happy. You are worth it.

 

Zip

 

Take this all in. Remember this. This is full of wise words. Words that cut deep. For I was in the same position as you, at the beginning of my relationship. I was able to separate myself from his occasional use of alcohol. Complaining only to a close friend, occasionally. But it slowly chipped away at me. This wise soul (poster) is right, you will grow, and change and flow, sadly he won't. It will drag you down and break at your core. You won't notice it.

 

My advice, state your concerns with him. Set your boundaries. Be firm. Don't waiver. Leave if he doesn't show change. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

 

I stayed 6 years, like you I saw greatness mixed in with sadness & hurt. I worked hard. He promised, in the end he left. His words, he never had any intentions of changing.

 

Set your boundaries. If they are crossed, leave. You will find this love again, 1000 tines better. One that will compliment your life. Flow with you. Not against.

 

Most importantly, screen shot the above posters words, especially if you stay.