When love and closeness is killed by many little things, big things, ADHD...

[ItWasLove]

It was inevitable that we reach this point in out relationship. A point which seems like the one of no return. And as much as it is his, it is also all my fault. I chose to give him credit, second and tenth chances, while getting more distrustful and more frustrated and tired in the process. Right now I am chronically stressed, depressed, physically ill, thin, haven't slept properly for a while...

My boyfriend of some 20 month whom I live with, hurt so many times...

This story progresses from minor incidents that should have indicated something... to lies, to me feeling alone in all this, tired...

 

Concretely:

 

1. At the beginning of our relationship, after we slept together, we lived in two different countries. He did not really keep in touch, an email every 7 days for the first month...failing to open up Skype account. Saying how busy he was. BS. He had work like anyone else and no other obligations. I would say bye to him and say have a nice life and see you maybe some day, no hard feelings... but he would then quickly respond in the way that I could not ignore, saying how he felt a unique click with me, and please just hang on I am buying a camera for Skype... that took a couple of weeks.

 

Then he got Skype and we talked. After about 10 days, I bought a ticket to go and see him again. And we were both excited about meeting again. But he did not talk to me that often as "he was just working and sleeping and did not have time". So I had my doubts about going to see him... but in the end I went, as I already had a non refundable ticket and what could I lose?

 

2. I went. It was great. But I got sick because he opened a window in the middle of the cold December night. The next day he had football tournament. And it was ok that I stay alone in bed on my 10 day across-the-world visit because of his football. But it really hurt me that after spending whole day with them playing football, he went out with them that evening to drink too, announcing proudly how there will be copious amount of drinking involved. So I got up from the bed and went to meet him in the bar where he tried to force me to learn a new card game, drinking game. I was so sick and I was tired as change of times zones was still working on me. But he pushed and pushed that I play cards, or at least sit and watch him play (we will play together and I will learn). I did not want to learn. I wanted to spend time with him. But I was thrown into a group of his friends and he was introducing me to all of them saying how he loved to death some girls in the company. After a while I stood up and went playing pool with some old handicapped guy who happened to be in the bar. So my bf's friend (who apparently had more sense than him) told him to stop playing cards and go play pool with me. This was nothing really, just a small, very small example...

 

3. During all this, from the day one we met, he had female friends one of whom wanted to be the dominant woman in his life and would grab him and kiss his neck in front of me, take all his attention away from me by totally ignoring me and never stopping to talk... and he gave her anything and everything she wanted. He had their favourite hang out on his phone display and special phone for when she calls. There was nothing ever between them, it was a case of narcissistic histrionic woman and a man craving attention of any kind to feed on his ADHD. After we met and slept together another female friend of his made a deal to get married if they both stay single for few years more. I asked if this was a joke or what and he at first said he did not know. I forced him to answer and he said, that yes, maybe it might come true, how can he tell the future. So I ended up having huge issue with these and other girls.

 

4. One girl I had issue in particular. The one I never heard of, he was working with, and he took her out after we met. He took her out to see the same show as he took me when I came later to visit. He lied to me that he had not seen the show for years. But I found tickets in his room under the speaker when the cat jumped on it and knocked it over.

I found out that it happened the day after I bought the ticket to come and see him again. He never told me that he will be taking someone out. But he also said "what do you want, we never had the talk on exclusivity". I know we did not. It shouldn't have been the problem to tell me that he is going out with someone then. That he referred to his friend as a dateish thing. And worst of all, he lied to me about all that until I found out the truth. He let me buy the expensive tickets without telling me about an important thing. He apologized deeply, said it did not mean anything and nothing ever happened, said he did not know who we were or were going but he has fallen in love.... So we moved on.

 

5. I was back home. He disappeared on me for the new year's eve. He said he went to work and as a bartender had to stay until late while everyone else was celebrating (he was doing his job for 15 years) so he had a few drinks from the bar and got wasted drunk, threw up all night did not remember anything, woke up the next day at 5 in the afternoon. Meanwhile I was trying to reach him to say happy new year's.

He Skyped me after 5 p.m. He was really really sorry. Told me what happened. I was relieved that he was alive but also pissed because I saw that he was asking people on FB if anyone is up to meeting up with him, but he says he does not remember sending that message either.

 

6. He came over to my country to spend 10 days with me. I then noticed how his ADHD is out of control when he is in the company, he needs constant talking and he throws jokes compulsively, laughing out loud when nothing is funny, mostly at his own "jokes"... He also started telling my female friends, probably just using his stupid way to get them to like him, some jokes of a type - oh can I see our boobs... I got mad at him for it, my friend was embarrassed, and he was of course sorry again. Already the next day he was insinuating with my other friend, in a joking way, how two of them should hang out without me because they get along better. I asked him to get his ADHD under control and he says he will start a treatment asap.

 

7. I got a grant and moved to his city for 6 month. I got my own place.

That was some of the worst time in my life. He picked me up from the airport. I moved my whole life and a pet. On the way from airport he was listening to football game on the radio, promising he will talk as soon as we drive over the bridge as he did not know this part of the city that well. Ne did not talk to me. He started again with his jokes, usually directed at me. His way of communicating is creating some little irritating push and pull situations in which I go - no, I did not, and he goes - yes, you did... and he tops it off with some offensive joke followed by a big laughter... I now realised that back then I did not realise how these things affected me and how they killed my mood many times. Only after few month and after he introduced me to his family and after they saw how he talked to me, he stopped. He stopped making offensive jokes addressed to me after both his aunt and father noticed it and talked to him about it. He said it was strange because he "thought he was on his best behavior". He always thought he did something or did not do something. It has become his favorite trademark.

 

8. After he breached my trust as I described in 4, I became suspicious. He gave me his password to his email and FB and told me to look, he had nothing to hide. That is when I found that he had been soliciting cheap prostitutes from craiglist for years. At the same time, he was telling all his friends how he did not see vagina for 4 years.

One response in his email was from craiglist girl a month after we met. I did not see that he talked to her. He said that sometimes he just receives responses from a way back when he sent email.

We broke up.

 

9. After about a week I was ready to leave everything and go, not knowing at the time that worse is still ahead of me. I sent him a text saying I was leaving and good bye. Then he called and cried and he came over and I have never seen anyone so devastated and so pale in my life. He was telling me I was the love of his life (I believe that)... He said he contacted many prostitutes but never acted on any of it. Even the emails where they would agree on price, service, where, and he gave his phone number, he said nothing happened. He was on his knees at my porch and we talked for hours. He lost weight in 7 days and I could see how hurt he was. He promised he will spend every day till the rest of his life proving to me that he is a decent man. I never saw anything that honest and open from him before. It had a powerful effect on me as I was in love with him and suffering probably even more than him, being alone in a foreign country.

 

The time we spent together after that event was the best time we had. I decided to give him another chance and put everything behind me. I just wanted us to be happy together and we were. We were taking walks together, spending time together, we were so in love with each other. For about a week after we got back together he had tears in his eyes and was often crying, he was so relieved and so emotional about everything. All that brought us closer together.

 

10. Until he lied to me again less than a month after that. He was a heavy weed smoker and a heavy porn user. The latter negatively affected our sex life. I asked him to stop mastrubating to porn as we had enough sex and there was nothing he was complaining about.

I asked him to stop smoking weed every day. Weed compromise was that he would do it no more than 1-2 times a week.

 

So we made a deal that if he wants to smoke weed or watch porn he will call me...

 

Soon after that I saw that he was stoned when we met. He admitted. I asked why he didn't call me as we agreed. He said he forgot and was sorry and feeling like a jerk and said it was a habit, etc. I let this one slide and did not make a big deal out of it.

But in few days he was telling me how he promised me he will never do porn again and he did not, and he was looking me straight in the eyes... Later that day at his place I figured his mouse was on left side, baby oil nearby... He admitted he did watch porn just that morning before he was swearing to me he would never do it again...

 

That was when rebuilding our trust went down the toilet.

 

11. He is a mama's boy. His mum is controlling and manipulative and I guess that explains why he chose many of his friends to be just like his mum. His sister is the same. I guess that is what he was expecting from me too, on some subconscious level, to take over that role. When we just met he told me his ideal woman would be the one who would "keep him in check". I mentioned this to him later on several times, I was exhausted... He said he does not need me to be his mum. But all ADHD people bring that out of their partner, I read so much on this problem.

 

Talking of his mum, she has been meddling when we went to visit and was not very nice to me. He took her side on every issue and was running around to please her every hysterical demand. She lectures his often like he is 5 years old and he listens like is 5. I ended up feeling much worse and at the time I was already properly depressed. I took my things and left.

 

12. A month after that one of his female friends, the one that could not stand not being the center attention, comes over to his place to watch TV with his roommate and she totally ignores both of us. At his own place! She does not say hi, she ignores our questions, so we just went to the room. That was very rude and weird and we did not know what was going on. Apparently, something was going on.

 

Soon after that he announced how he was going to go and see her theater show to show her support. I asked him how can he do that after everything she had done to us and the way she treated me... he said he always went to her shows and he is a loyal friend. I asked what about loyalty to me, as a person, what about support to me? I told him I was crying in the middle of the street feeling alone. He said he would think about it and probably go. I spent hours and hours talking and texting with him and crying, because at that point my depression was through the roof, I was tired of fighting, I was so exhausted... I just needed a friend who would stand by me and protect me. I know I would never do anything like that to him. He was always my priority in the sense that I would never allow any person in my life and anything at all turn into anxiety for him.

He ended up not going and of course he was sorry. He said he did not realise how manipulative and dishonest she was. Did not realise - really? She is cheating and lying to her own husband and all of that without shred of guilt. She was quite happy to talk about it to everyone. He said he is done with her.

 

13. My grant was up and I was moving back home. He said he cannot live without me and moved with me, left everything. When we were moving our planes were few ours apart. He first took me to the airport and went back home to finish packing up.

His roommate informed his attention seeking female friend that he will be alone and she can come to say buy to him. I had a feeling that a person like her will never be happy being ignored. I knew she would try and make contact to try and sweet talk him and have the last word be hers. I thought this would all happen and it did. I did not want to say anything to him, knowing that he told me he deleted her from FB, and is happy she is gone. She came over to give him some long letter she wrote addressed to both of us, and to give him one last hug. He gave her the attention she needed and they parted ways. He came over to live me. 6 days into what was supposed to be a new start he was digging through his bag and pulled her letter out and then told me this story. Letter was unopened and ended up in the thrash. She sent him two requests to reconnect on FB which he ignored. He never told me about it until I saw it myself.

My resentment towards him grew.

 

I anyway did not feel like me and him are a closed circle, a team, and these kinds of things pushed me out even further...

 

He always says the right things but does not have enough of focus or understanding to do them. We talk openly. But it leads nowhere in practice.

 

14. Trust was gone. He does not have ability to compromise and honor his commitments. It has to turn into a major conflict with yelling for something to reach him, after being told several times to him. In the meanwhile, I was getting tired of living like that. I was getting tired of living too.

His ADHD is getting out of hand and I am not sure which part of him is his mental illness and which part is just him being inconsiderate jerk. At this point I do not really care either. The effect it all had on me and on us was devastating. We are hanging by a thread and I am no longer dreaming about our kids and our future together. Our life has become all about solving problems. And getting nowhere for long time. Until I am beat, tired, ready to quit, after everything explodes and there is a lot of yelling going on... Then some things might change. And then I feel like I forced him to something and feel bad about that too. Talking calmly and discussing things in a normal way never worked with him. I feel awful about myself. I resent him.

 

Right now we did not have sex for a month. That is because all the stress had caused my libido to go away and I have chronic yeast infection (stress related). Also, taking over the role of a controller made me feel like his mum and attraction faded. I feel I have tried everything in my power to make this relationship work. I gave chances.

 

Last night we were at my friend's party. As usual, I wanted to go home at some point and he wanted to stay longer, it was about 1 a.m. He had to work in the morning. We made a compromise that we will leave in half an hour. We were there already for 4.5 hrs at the time and I had enough. So after 40 min we were still there and he was asking for another drink from my friend. I then had to interfere, in my role of a mother, to say, hey we need to go home, remember? When I saw him pointing at the glass asking for another drink, I was so mentally tired of trying to control the 39 years old child.

I cannot imagine having kids with him. That would be a major nightmare. Everything that has to do with responsibility would fall on me. What kind of a role model would he be? He constantly laughs at nothing, puns, talks about scenes from series, sitcomes, movies... engages in pulling tricks on people, he is constantly sorry for screwing up, he cannot act like an adult and it feels like a major restraint on him when he has to. I have not learned anything useful from him in 20 month. He has no interest in anything that requires half a brain. He is not dumb but often he comes out as such. He always repeats his mistake. I cannot reach him and his ADHD.

I cannot fight anymore with all of this. I am 36 and this was my last chance to have family. I feel like he stole 20 month of my life. And I feel it is all my fault for believing in him and what he was telling me.

 

I still love him. I think. There are some great things about him too which I did not mention here.

But that love is pressed under a big mountain of crap. It has been squished and it cannot breathe. I cannot breathe properly for the past 10 month because of all the hurt I am going through. I cannot do this anymore. He has been the love of my life too and it is hard to let go.

 

He now has an appointment with psychiatrist in two weeks. Nothing short of a miracle can save this relationship and make me think again that he is the love of my life. He was and what I felt for him I never felt for anyone.

 

So sorry for this mile-long post. Everything just poured out of me.