He says it's too late.

[soverylost]

Some background: I married an amazing man. He is kind and generous and has financially supported me through 7 years of being unable to work due to a huge depressive episode that has slowly improving. While I haven’t supported us financially I have provided lots of emotional support with his crazy family and his career decisions, in the last couple of years I have been able to get well and finally off all of the heavy duty meds in May last year.

 

I have been searching (fruitlessly) for some paid work somewhere so that he will be able to take a pay cut to pursue his passion. He has been applying for every job in his new career but hasn’t been getting anything. His brother recently had a spinal operation which was botched and now has no feeling in his bowel, bladder etc. His step brother has been on and off the wagon through the last year and his mother has been severely depressed for about a year and a half.

 

He has been very unhappy and I have tried to get him to talk to me about why but he hasn’t been able to. He said he would start seeing a psychologist about 6 months ago, I told him “I think we should split up because you aren’t happy and I don’t know how to make you happy” I said it to shock him into talking to me, I know it was so stupid, I feel like I put it into his head to begin with. Anyway, he didn’t make an appointment to see a psych and we kept on going, he was still unhappy and I tried to get him to talk to me but he wouldn’t.

 

I kept on being a good wife, taking up as little room as possible in the relationship (I’ve always tried not to buy things, not to ask to much, as I realise he is the guy that earns the money and that’s an enormous amount of pressure) but he was gone, absent. He barely touched me, he wasn’t as interested in making love, when he looked at me he looked right through me.

 

He fostered a friendship with a girl in his university course and slowly I grew uncomfortable with it. I told him and he told me I was crazy, it was nothing, I was being jealous. I believed him and felt pretty awful. He then sent her a special personalised drawing (he is an artist) though he said he would cool it with her. He confessed this to me and was very sorry.

 

I forgave him, though I was angry, he asked me if he should cut contact with her and I told him he had to do what he felt was right, I couldn’t make that decision. He didn’t. Long story short, a whole huge group of his friends went out for his birthday, I was ignored by him the whole night and at some point he disappeared with her and kissed her and confessed he had feelings for her. He then tried to split up with me the next day, I said I didn’t want to split up I wanted to fight for this, for us. He said okay but that he had to tell me that he kissed this girl.

 

I started packing, I was in complete shock, all of this was so out of character and not at all the man I had known for the last 6 years of our relationship. He begged me to stay, said she was a symptom and that he was unhappy. I stayed. We talked, he was honest about how he had stopped thinking about a future with me in it. I asked why (a lot) but he didn’t have answers. I said if this was going to work he needed to make an appointment with a psych. He did. He said he wanted to talk, but he retreated into himself.

 

He now says he doesn’t want to try, that it’s been too hard for too long and he’s done. He said he wanted me to move out (I can’t cover the rent) and I asked him if this meant he wanted a divorce and he said yes.

 

These last couple of weeks have been a waking nightmare. I feel like I am watching the man I love unravel. I have never been so anxious in my life.

 

I asked him to go to couples counselling with me because I need to understand what has happened and I don’t. He agreed because he feels he owes me this last thing and we have gone once. I realise it’s a slow process and nothing really changed after the first appointment. I told him I missed him and he said he missed me too but he didn’t know if he should say that to me

 

The problem is that I still hold a huge amount of hope for us. I think that a lot of the other stuff in his life has been messed up with the regular complications of our relationship and everything has come crashing down around his ears.

 

Am I stupid?

How can I stop hoping?

Now that we’re not living together is he going right back to her? I am always scared and anxious he is seeing her. Tonight he is out (I know because of his twitter(I know I shouldn’t stalk but I did)) and I am terrified he is with her. While I am sitting on my mother’s couch on a Saturday night, inconsolable.

 

We have been so good together, so compatible and so good to each other. I don’t know where this has come from and I don’t know what will happen next. Has he had a complete melt down? Am I stupid for caring? There were SO many good elements of our relationship.

 

Help.

[Ruby65]

Reading your post, two things stand out (to me, anyway) --

 

First, that he's not happy in the relationship.

 

Second, that it's possible you don't have much of a life *outside* the relationship.

 

As soon as I read that he had been supporting you for all seven years due to a depressive episode..... well, it all just sounds like an unfair burden on him, to be honest. Financial AND emotional. He has something he feels passionate outside the marriage -- do you? Or have you made him responsible for your happiness?

 

Counselling is helpful for couples who want to work out their differences -- but it's not a magic panacea and I don't see how it's going to convince someone who wants to leave a relationship not to, especially if there aren't any kids involved.

 

Anyhow, not meaning to be overly harsh -- just bringing up for consideration what struck me reading your post. Were you married very young?

[d0nnivain]

You know 1st hand the benefits of counseling for your depression. It may be the only hope for your marriage.

 

Pull out all the stops to get him to try. Talk to him. Get family to talk to him. Apologize for whatever he thinks you did wrong. Remind him of all the good parts. In essence fight for your marriage. If you have been so depressed for so long that you could not even work, he probably hasn't seen any sparks of life in you so he thinks you checked out ages ago.

[minimariah]

As soon as I read that he had been supporting you for all seven years due to a depressive episode..... well, it all just sounds like an unfair burden on him, to be honest. Financial AND emotional.

 

you do have a point but caring for someone who is going through a difficult time should never be a burden. when it does feel like a burden - it's usually a sign that you don't really love that person all that much. however, it can put a strain on a relationship and make people grow apart & i think that is what happened here. no one is to blame, especially not the OP & her depression - their relationship simply wasn't strong enough.

 

OP - first of all, your depression is not your fault & it wasn't the cause of this heartbreak you're going through. it was probably a slow process & it suddenly bubbled to the surface when he met the other girl. i think he checked out and you can't really do anything about it. i'm so sorry you're going through it, it's obvious you love him very much. but focus on you & your life. that's all you can do, sweetheart.

 

go NC as soon as possible and turn to you again - focus on you, love you, work on you, surround yourself with people who are close to you, find a new hobby, start running every morning... this is not the end of the world and i know you feel like it is. i know you feel hopeless and it's good to be sad - let it all out, cry, scream, grieve. and then let go. you WILL heal from this, one day at a time.

 

sometimes it just wasn't meant to be.

[idoltree]

OP, I agree with others that you, based on your historical depression and your fear of rocking the boat (spending), have allowed yourself total dependence on him. He was able to tolerate that when he had a career that he didn't want out of, and when your relationship was still new and the honeymoon feelings remained (or at least occasionally resurfaced).

 

Now that his needs have changed, and he needs a partner that contributes to the household so that he can take a lower paying position, he has become depressed because he feels helpless and taken advantage of. Your historical dependence began to feel oppressive to him. He no longer took pride in saving you, he resented it.

 

Depressed persons handle relationships in one of two ways. Either they become more dependent and clingy and view the partner as a savior, as you did, or they problem solve. Depressed men tend to problem solve. Once they accept that they are unhappy, they will begin to search within the various facets of their life to find what is making them feel unhappy. If they go down this road, they will begin to eliminate the relationships that feel optional. Romantic relationships, marriage or not, take the hit. See, if they want to find relief from the unhappiness and view it from a problem-solving stance, the optional relationships are the easiest thing to change. Jobs can't easily be left, parents will always be parents, children will always be children, but a partnership or marriage can be left behind. And so they will subconsciously start building a case against their romantic partner. They will take the good things for granted, and hyper-focus on the negative aspects of the relationship in order to find the courage to leave. The case against you has been built in his mind and this is behind why he's left. It sounds like this has been going on quite a while for him.

 

As for the new girl in his life, understand that he's viewing her as a way to recapture his happiness. Obviously this is terrible news, but it also might help explain the attraction to you so you understand it. It is not that she is better than you, or that he loves her more than you. There is something about her that has triggered him into projecting his hopes and dreams onto her, which means he doesn't know the real her at all. It's the honeymoon period on steroids, and it will come crashing down once reality sinks in. Whether that means there's still enough happiness for them to stay together is what can't be predicted. What else can't be predicted is whether she even wants a relationship with him. She may not. Or she may like the attention he's giving her when he's not available to her, and once he is available she may find it a turn off.

 

So what do you do? The opposite of what you want to do, which is to prove how dependable and loving that you are to him so he will remember. He won't remember. He's taken those things for granted, and he will not notice that if you continue to supply him with the good things about having you in his life.

 

Read up on the 180 technique. Note it is the opposite of what your instincts are screaming at you to do. You need to avoid listening to those instincts because they will push him toward her. The 180 is called the 180 because it is a total change in direction. Do not allow yourself to be taken for granted anymore. You need to consistently show him that you are capable of moving on from him so that he gets a big dose of the reality of his choices right up front. Knowing you aren't a fallback option for him may cause him to become pushy and clingy with the new girl, which may push her away. Or they may try a relationship, and once some time passes he'll have to face the reality that she doesn't have all the good qualities about you that he took for granted (he's choosing her assuming that she does). Or everything might be fine with them. There are no guarantees, but you need to take steps to protect yourself and to give him the favor of seeing the results of his choices very early on.

 

In the meantime, take care of yourself. Stop yourself from stalking his online accounts. Accept that NOTHING you will see will make you feel better. This is the mental block you have. You think you'll find something to bring you relief, but with the uncertain interpretations of text on a screen, and a partner who will want to present a happy face to the world, everything will hurt you and you don't even know that what he's choosing to type about himself is true. Why would you choose to do that to yourself? Stop it. You can't control what happens by observing him and observing him is hurting you.

Edited March 14, 2015 by idoltree

[soverylost]

Guys, thank you so much. You're right, he was my sole passion for a great many years and I think that he liked that but it became too heavy. I think that he enjoyed it for a long time but at some point that changed and he wasn't able to tell me.

 

I am aware that it is an unhealthy way to love and that I should have more passions and interests outside my relationship but honestly I have never really felt like I have enjoyed/felt passionate about anything else (let me re-iterate that I know that's not a good or healthy way to be) and I think some of that was to do with my lengthy depression and subsequent medication but I also wonder if it's just the way I am too.

 

For a long time taking care of me and helping me made him feel good too. It definitely wasn't one sided. I also didn't just sit around being a useless lump, I contributed to our relationship in many other ways apart from money. He supported me emotionally and I supported him back. Like I said before we were incredibly compatible together and really truly best friends for a very long time.

 

Counselling is helpful for couples who want to work out their differences -- but it's not a magic panacea and I don't see how it's going to convince someone who wants to leave a relationship not to, especially if there aren't any kids involved.

 

I totally get that and I probably need to hear the harshness of this, this is what I am afraid of. I felt like he really fought for me for a long time and I want to fight for him too. I don't think it's time for me to let go yet but I don't know. There's only so many times I can hear my marriage is finished no matter what I say or do to try and make it better (and believe me I am trying and have been for a while which is why all of this is so weird, I guess he checked out long before this crisis)

 

He was abused as a kid and has never dealt with that, or his father choosing his abuser over him. He's around the same age as his father was and I feel like this melt down might have something to do with all of those stresses bubbling uncontrollably to the surface. I know I can't really help with that, but if it IS that I want to be around to support him like he supported me. He really needs to deal with all this stuff otherwise these patterns are going to repeat for him.

 

I miss my best friend, I miss my lover, I miss my life partner so much. I can see he's hurting and I want to help. Is there a way I can?

 

I am trying to take care of myself. I haven't given up on the job search, I'm seeing friends and doing all the things that I'm supposed to do. None of it helps a bit.

 

Is it too late? Do I give up now?

 

 

P.S. We married quite young - he was 25 and I was 21... I get that people change a lot in their 20s but I don't think it's fair to chalk it up to that. We knew each other back to front when we got married.

 

 

P.P.S. Sorry if I'm not doing the posting thing right, this is my first time on a forum so I'm not up with all the quoting and tagging stuff. Please be gentle.

[Ruby65]

No worries, your posting etiquette is just fine.

 

I'm afraid you're trying to muddy the waters by bringing his past abuse into it.... or even to say your depression is to blame for making the relationship the primary focus of your life. I'm not surprised to hear you were married that young as this is a common mistake young women make, depressed or not -- they can allow themselves to disappear entirely into a relationship.

 

It's a form of co-dependency. It sounds fairly virtuous -- giving your all to the love of one person -- but there's a darker side to this, and I'm afraid that's finally taken its toll on your marriage.

 

I'm not a therapist, I'm only speaking from my own experience with a 18-year marriage and from observing those of my friends, but I would say for him to have reached this point after just seven years together does not bode well for your future.

 

He's detached emotionally -- and gone even further by finding someone else and acting on that. You're extremely young still and there's no reason for you to be so dependent on him or on the marriage to keep yourself together.

 

You got married at 21 and in a way I think you haven't quite grown up. It's time to learn to be a single adult, independent and capable -- and to find happiness within yourself, from your own life and accomplishments!

 

I'm not sure if this is your only relationship, but you should know that every time you fall in love, your partner becomes your best friend! The special bond you had with your husband is not lost to you forever -- you'll have that again with someone new. This is an opportunity for you to have a healthier relationship in the future, where you're not dependent but able to share a life with someone on equal footing.

 

Without any kids, I wouldn't fight for this marriage -- and I wouldn't expect him to stay out of a sense of loyalty or obligation. It just sounds like the relationship no longer meets his needs and he's already moved on.

[Satu]

I get the feeling that he has become weary of being with a person who is totally dependent on him, and not really engaged with life.

 

Thats not meant to be a criticism of you, merely an observation.

 

Whether you are to be with him or not, you need to engage with life, and put some energy into your own existence.

 

Find some work no matter how humble. If you can't find paid work, volunteer for something.

 

You've lived your life as a passenger for too long.

 

Sorry if that sounds harsh.