Fran_H Posted April 10, 2005 Share Posted April 10, 2005 Not been here for a while, but I really need some advice right now. I have not seen MM since July last year and I was just getting my life back together after 4 years of dysfunction. I recectly started dating again, and after a few false starts I met someone who rocked my world. Trouble was, I didn't rock his, but I failed to spot the warning signs. Well, thats not true, I did see all of them, but pretended I didn't, carried on regardless, fell head over heels in love with the guy. Well, after 3 months he has told me that he is not feeling what I am feeling, and it's over. He told me this a couple of days ago,but wanted to come over for the weekend to talk about it. I agreed to that initially because I was hurting so badly and I could not get my head around never seeing him again. But the next morning after talking with people who really love me I realised I would just be setting myself up for a load more hurt. He obviously wanted a farewell shag and although I knew that would be great for a couple of hours, it would not be worth the pain of saying goodbye afterwards. So I emailed him and said I didn't want to see him, hope you find what you are looking for blah blah. Then cried myself to sleep and woke up yesterday morning ready to start getting over him with my pride and self-respect still intact. Although he had decided the relationship was over,I felt I had had some control over how it ended and I took some comfort from that. BUT, he turned up anyway. The minute he turned up I saw it as a sign that he really did want me, and to cut a long story short I made a complete fool of myself. I did just about everything but chase his car down the road when he left. And now I feel so low I could just go back to bed and stay there forever. WHY did he do that to me? WHY did I react like that? It was like the more he didn't want me the more I wanted him. Which brings me to the reason I am posting this here. I think it may be a pattern of behaviour, I only want what I can't have. I have called up MM, who wants to see me again and right now I am not thinking straight and I need some advice. Sorry for the pity party, but it hurts okay! Link to post Share on other sites
Puppet Posted April 10, 2005 Share Posted April 10, 2005 Big HUG, I'm wondering if you were ever over MM, as he is the one you are thinking about now. The other guy is a Rat, but don't be to hard on yourself. You are trusting and loving and sensitive, these are good qualities. Don't let this guy make you feel bad for having a trusting heart. About the MM.......have you had any contact with him since last July, or did you contact him out of the blue? Its a normal reaction to trauma and loss, to try to fix the hole in our self esteem as quickly as posssible, to distract ourselves. Is this why you contacted your ex MM??? Do you want him as a band aid for your broken heart? Do you still love him?? I know you're hurting, but be careful that this isn't a move out of need. Remember that you ARE a wonderful, loving, trusting person..... believe that about yourself, feel that about yourself, then ask yourself......is this situation ie getting back with MM, the best thing for such a trusting sensitive person.... Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted April 10, 2005 Share Posted April 10, 2005 Fran, ((big hug)), from me too, yes i think most women i know chase after the ones who reject them, i read something really interesting about how it is so much easier to fall in love with somebody aloof etc, because they dont put any pressure on you to reciprocate feelings. i think when we have been hurt esp not too long ago, we feel a certain amount of confusion when starting off a new relationship, but when there is no pressure on us i.e declaration of love or strong feelings from a partner (that we know are sincere) we feel free to just let our feelings be. therefore, we fall in love. i'll bet if you look back carefully at when you first met this guy, there were moments when you were at least indifferent to this guy, at most actually repulsed. i do the same thing, i might actually feel really unattracted to a guy, this happened with mm, when he was first pursuing me i felt a strange mixture of repulsion and pity coupled with a big ego boost. the point that i got hooked was the point that i sensed a certain coldness from him. this happened immediately after first time, which i have no recollection of. nobody likes rejection either. just remember the story i told you about this mm of mine, what was it that turned him from undesirable to desirable? was it because he suddenly became a different person??no, it is just a combination of reactions. so the reason you have been rejected by this guy is nothing to do with who you are. it should never be taken personally. likewise it should never be taken personally when someoone falls in love with us. you are beating yourself up about how you reacted, that is why you called mm, he is just a beating stick to you. dont worry about how you reacted, it doesnt matter. would it have made any difference to him? no. dont worry about it. stop it, there is nothing wrong with you. i am not going to say love yourself, because they are empty words to somebody who is beating themselves. but any excercise that allows you to stand back from your thoughts, such as meditation, imagining thoughts in bubbles is good and blowing them away, allows you to see what your thoughts are actually doing to you. once you can slow this down you can stop the attacks on yourself. or at least ignore them. Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted April 10, 2005 Share Posted April 10, 2005 fran, <hug> from me too! and i have chased a car down the road once before when i got dumped ok...so i was pretty drunk at the time but boy did i feel stupid the next day! it has taken me a looong time to get my act back together after MM dumped me. i didn't date for about 9mos and have finally started. and the situation that you described is EXACTLY one that i fear. and it's been so hard. i want to feel something strong for this guy, he's a wonderful man, good father, etc.... but i have this huge wall built up. and he knows it and he knows i'm scared. but things are getting more serious and while i suspect that the feelings are mutual i'm afraid that as soon as i start feeling something and letting him know how i feel, that he'll go running for the hills! and the thought of another heartbreak at this point in time is more than i can bear. bad enough that i almost went into a panic the other day and wanted to tell him that i couldn't see him any more. someone told me once that part of human nature is the thrill of the chase, to try to get something or someone that doesn't necessarily want us back. we seem to think if we try hard enough we can convince them that they're wrong. i spent countless hours when MM dumped me trying to figure out what i could do ... finally, i accepted that there was nothing i could do and that if i had to fight that hard to get him back, it wasn't worth it, he wasn't worth it and that my self-respect was worth more. i would have always felt like i hard to have my guard up and be "perfect" or he'd leave again and that wasn't how i wanted to spend the rest of my life. i think what you said about him wanting you less becuase you wanted him more is something to think about. whenever we grovel and make fools out of ourselves, we look pathetic, and god knows i've been there more than i'd like to admit. and although there may be men that are attracted to women who need to be rescued, not all do. be strong. get your confidence back. hold your head up high! for months after MM i walked around staring at the ground with a pained look on my face. now that i'm beginning to feel more like me again, life's been wonderful! but ... i'm still terrified of caring. don't let this breakup send you back into that dark hole for long. best to let this guy see you for the wonderful strong woman you are! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fran_H Posted April 10, 2005 Author Share Posted April 10, 2005 Originally posted by Puppet Big HUG, I'm wondering if you were ever over MM, as he is the one you are thinking about now. The other guy is a Rat, but don't be to hard on yourself. You are trusting and loving and sensitive, these are good qualities. Don't let this guy make you feel bad for having a trusting heart. About the MM.......have you had any contact with him since last July, or did you contact him out of the blue? Its a normal reaction to trauma and loss, to try to fix the hole in our self esteem as quickly as posssible, to distract ourselves. Is this why you contacted your ex MM??? Do you want him as a band aid for your broken heart? Do you still love him?? I know you're hurting, but be careful that this isn't a move out of need. Remember that you ARE a wonderful, loving, trusting person..... believe that about yourself, feel that about yourself, then ask yourself......is this situation ie getting back with MM, the best thing for such a trusting sensitive person.... Thanks Puppet, I really needed to hear this, as I have spent the last 24 hours thinking I was nuts! I am so embarrassed! But I knew I would act like that, which is why I told him NOT to come over. Now I am wondering if he actually wanted to see me react like that, like it was a power trip for him. I have had occassional telephone contact with MM since last July, but only as friends. And it really was working for us, we found we could chat as friends. I had stopped being angry about everything because he stopped telling me he was going to leave his wife for me. I called him because I felt so wretched about what happened yesterday and I just needed him to tell me that I was not crazy. I have been thinking about going for counselling today, I really need to talk this through as I obviously have abandonment issues. I am raising three kids single handedly, so I don't have spare cash for this, so MM is sending me some money! We talked on the phone earlier today and have come to the conclusion that seeing each other again would cause so many problems as I am sure we would not just want to have dinner and chat! Its so hard, because I just need his arms around me right now. I think I am still in love with him, and I am sure there is a part of me that always will be. But I have been away long enough to know that the good times are not worth all the heartache. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fran_H Posted April 10, 2005 Author Share Posted April 10, 2005 Originally posted by newby i'll bet if you look back carefully at when you first met this guy, there were moments when you were at least indifferent to this guy, at most actually repulsed. this is so true! I only started to become atracted to him when started to show that he was not that bothered about me! When he was showing a keen interest in me I could take him or leave him. Link to post Share on other sites
Puppet Posted April 10, 2005 Share Posted April 10, 2005 Originally posted by Fran_H Thanks Puppet, I really needed to hear this, as I have spent the last 24 hours thinking I was nuts! I am so embarrassed! But I knew I would act like that, which is why I told him NOT to come over. Now I am wondering if he actually wanted to see me react like that, like it was a power trip for him. I have had occassional telephone contact with MM since last July, but only as friends. And it really was working for us, we found we could chat as friends. I had stopped being angry about everything because he stopped telling me he was going to leave his wife for me. I called him because I felt so wretched about what happened yesterday and I just needed him to tell me that I was not crazy. I have been thinking about going for counselling today, I really need to talk this through as I obviously have abandonment issues. I am raising three kids single handedly, so I don't have spare cash for this, so MM is sending me some money! We talked on the phone earlier today and have come to the conclusion that seeing each other again would cause so many problems as I am sure we would not just want to have dinner and chat! Its so hard, because I just need his arms around me right now. I think I am still in love with him, and I am sure there is a part of me that always will be. But I have been away long enough to know that the good times are not worth all the heartache. Fran, You are doing a very brave thing in your life right now. Your questioning behaviour patterns that have been negative to you in the past. Its like your mind get hard wired into accepting less than you deserve. But you are challenging these things, You ARE knowing and taking positive steps! Are you in the UK. You can get councilling through the doctors if you are. Like you, I'm also a single mom. My daughters dad was a lot like that rat of yours.... I broke away and ended up with the MM! I'm at the point when I too am saying NO MORE!! It takes a lot of strength to be a single parent, but not much time, chance, or money to go out there and meet the many variety of wonderful people who can shape us a whole people. I think maybe we learn to take crumbs.... BUT......We're super woman!!! We can raise children, run a house, we know how to survive withou a partner, we know how to survive emotional trauma, we know!!!!! AND because we know, we are stronger than we believe. . Link to post Share on other sites
BAKUNIN Posted April 11, 2005 Share Posted April 11, 2005 I chased car did a go go dancer ( i never dance ) sent him tons of e mails and sms called him told him I love him told him I hate him changed my look every month made myself ridiculous in every possible way.... boy what we do when we are in love now in distance of almost 2 years I don`t feel stupid , it just makes me laugh how childish I was There is nothing wrong with being stupid a bit. Relax Link to post Share on other sites
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