SleekArchitecture Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 I was reading a thread on the BS board and did not want to elaborate on something I read there because it has to do more with the affair partners. None of us really understands what is going on in a marriage, wedded bliss, content, comfort or fights and extreme indifference. My no sh@#t Sherlock in another thread was this automatic assumption that because a marriage lasted a certain length of time, that this guarantees it to be better than the risk of new love, BUT my argument is this not scientific, if so, no one would be advised to ever marry because most marital unions begin when people have no idea how the other is and many live together for the first time during the honeymoon. Most marriages begin 6 months to a year after having met a person. I do not think it is at risk of not working any more than the rest, but because much more risk and effort goes into making it happen, the man is most likely to pick familiarity and comfort rather then having his wife's, brothers, sisters Uncles and Aunts, etc yelling at him, the friends picking sides, and all the work it takes to make it happen. I think the fire could be long out and a man will still stay out of duty and obligation. I watched my Grandparents (my grandfather a womanizer and serial cheater) stay married for 60 some years, they said it was love, but the fights were everyday, the bickering, the yelling, my grandmother making snide comments when given a perfect opportunity. They celebrated each decade of being married with a huge party and celebration of their love for one another, this love, one of anger and hate. How that equaled love, only they will ever know. But I also believe waiting for a man to never make his mind up is a huge waste of time. WE can do so much better than being a part of their warped marriage. Time wasters. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 14, 2015 Author Share Posted March 14, 2015 To add, I read on the board was all your affair was, was only 6 months and a fantasy, and I debate this because many engagements occur after 6 months and a fantasy, the wedding being one giant huge fairy tale majestic fantasy, and then real life hits and begins after the honeymoon. Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 I was reading a thread on the BS board and did not want to elaborate on something I read there because it has to do more with the affair partners. None of us really understands what is going on in a marriage, wedded bliss, content, comfort or fights and extreme indifference. My no sh@#t Sherlock in another thread was this automatic assumption that because a marriage lasted a certain length of time, that this guarantees it to be better than the risk of new love, BUT my argument is this not scientific, if so, no one would be advised to ever marry because most marital unions begin when people have no idea how the other is and many live together for the first time during the honeymoon. Most marriages begin 6 months to a year after having met a person. I do not think it is at risk of not working any more than the rest, but because much more risk and effort goes into making it happen, the man is most likely to pick familiarity and comfort rather then having his wife's, brothers, sisters Uncles and Aunts, etc yelling at him, the friends picking sides, and all the work it takes to make it happen. I think the fire could be long out and a man will still stay out of duty and obligation. I watched my Grandparents (my grandfather a womanizer and serial cheater) stay married for 60 some years, they said it was love, but the fights were everyday, the bickering, the yelling, my grandmother making snide comments when given a perfect opportunity. They celebrated each decade of being married with a huge party and celebration of their love for one another, this love, one of anger and hate. How that equaled love, only they will ever know. But I also believe waiting for a man to never make his mind up is a huge waste of time. WE can do so much better than being a part of their warped marriage. Time wasters. What about when his wife no longer chooses him and frees him without any malice? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 14, 2015 Author Share Posted March 14, 2015 What about when his wife no longer chooses him and frees him without any malice? I have always had complete admiration of a woman who could walk away and not look back after deception. I have put a lot of heat on myself as well, because of this philosophy, and not walking the minute this man started chasing and propositioning me, or even during one of our break ups. I would be the pot calling the kettle black if I was to say this should be easy. I feel I have found some redemption, maybe a little too late, but better late than never, to slam not shut that door. I just finished some intense yoga, and was thinking, this is my vessel, my soul and heart lies within, what am I doing to it. How have I defaced and devalued myself. Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 I have always had complete admiration of a woman who could walk away and not look back after deception. I have put a lot of heat on myself as well, because of this philosophy, and not walking the minute this man started chasing and propositioning me, or even during one of our break ups. I would be the pot calling the kettle black if I was to say this should be easy. I feel I have found some redemption, maybe a little too late, but better late than never, to slam not shut that door. I just finished some intense yoga, and was thinking, this is my vessel, my soul and heart lies within, what am I doing to it. How have I defaced and devalued myself. I don't think it means you devalued yourself. I think that you were a situation where your true value couldn't be measured and appreciated. You seem to have learned a lot. Keep moving forward. I hope you find your peace. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 How does one gauge what a good marriage entails? Is it longevity? Is it commitment? Is happiness? Do we, as outsiders ever know? Perhaps there is no communication and one partner is miserable and the other is none the wiser, it's normal.... this is married life. I do know I hear about 20, 30, 40...60 year marriages all the time. I never hear about 60 year affairs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 15, 2015 Author Share Posted March 15, 2015 I don't think it means you devalued yourself. I think that you were a situation where your true value couldn't be measured and appreciated. You seem to have learned a lot. Keep moving forward. I hope you find your peace. Thank you, even though I do not feel it, I needed to hear something positive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 15, 2015 Author Share Posted March 15, 2015 How does one gauge what a good marriage entails? Is it longevity? Is it commitment? Is happiness? Do we, as outsiders ever know? Perhaps there is no communication and one partner is miserable and the other is none the wiser, it's normal.... this is married life. I do know I hear about 20, 30, 40...60 year marriages all the time. I never hear about 60 year affairs. Yes, you are right, although, there is always that one strange exception, but good god, that would be a zinger, a doozy. That might be one of those odd familial affairs. Link to post Share on other sites
velvette Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 I don't think longevity is the sole determinant of the quality of a marriage, but I also don't know many people in either the category of getting married to someone six months after they met them or staying married while bickering and hating on each other all the time. The difference in risk is more about the nature of the relationship leading up to marriage imo. A normal R is generally not conducted in secret. And, you are free to spend as much time together as desired. You interact with each other in front of friends/family and get their reaction or feedback on your partner. These people may also validate what you know about the person or even give you more info. You move freely about the world with them and observe how they act in many different situations, not just your bedroom for an hour or two at the time, etc. A relationship that starts with an affair is generally conducted in a bubble that includes just the two of you. Theres limited means of observing how they are in everyday situations or for long periods of time. There may be limited communication, etc. Its definitely more risky imo. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 15, 2015 Author Share Posted March 15, 2015 I don't think longevity is the sole determinant of the quality of a marriage, but I also don't know many people in either the category of getting married to someone six months after they met them or staying married while bickering and hating on each other all the time. The difference in risk is more about the nature of the relationship leading up to marriage imo. A normal R is generally not conducted in secret. And, you are free to spend as much time together as desired. You interact with each other in front of friends/family and get their reaction or feedback on your partner. These people may also validate what you know about the person or even give you more info. You move freely about the world with them and observe how they act in many different situations, not just your bedroom for an hour or two at the time, etc. A relationship that starts with an affair is generally conducted in a bubble that includes just the two of you. Theres limited means of observing how they are in everyday situations or for long periods of time. There may be limited communication, etc. Its definitely more risky imo. Yes, it makes sense when you put it that way. I also agree longevity means very little too, and also in regard to affairs, mine having been close to 4 years. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 I have a friend who had a 30 year long affair. It was peaceful and suited her and the MM. Poppy Link to post Share on other sites
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