unarmedinlove Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 My boyfriend has a female friend that is way younger then him that visits him regularly. She does his laundry rearranges his apt and is left in his apt when he is not home. She showers there and has helped herself to 20 bucks when he was sleeping and he allows her to drive his truck. And has stayed the night on many occasions. He has introduced us and I get a messed up feeling from her she seems to be an evil presence. I have tried to befriend her and explained to her how I felt about her doing my mans laundry wearing his clothes and showering and staying the night. She swore she isn't doing anything with him and has a boyfriend. I have told my boyfriend that it was unacceptable to be doing this while him and I are together in a relationship. He said bull crap because I am not doing anything wrong. He just doesn't understand why I don't believe him when he says that. For one he will tell me he is home alone and then I will show up walk in and there they are. And this was early in the morning and they looked like they had just got up. And he swears she had just walked in the door. I don't know if I am wrong or he is wrong. Should I care that this chick is doing his laundry and rearranging his apt after I arrange it. etc or am I just being childish.? Link to post Share on other sites
blackcat777 Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 No, you are definitely in the right to stick to your boundaries on this one. I don't care at all who my man talks to, including other women. But if she was sleeping at his place, wearing his clothes, driving his car... taking his money? WTF? *I* don't even help myself to my boyfriend's car or his money. It's one thing to help a person out who is in need... and this should also be something he communicates clearly to you. This situation raises numerous red flags for me. How long have you been with your boyfriend? How long has this been going on? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 She probably does have a bf and that's why they're pretending not to be involved, but clearly they are. I'd let him do his own laundry, etc., that's for sure. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
imtooconfused Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 You are absolutely right to have your own boundaries. I would not accept this kind of behavior from a partner. At the same time, you have to be willing to stand up for your boundaries. If you just state them out loud, he is unwilling to accept them and you aren't willing to stand up for them, they really aren't boundaries, are they? It's time to make the tough decision as to whether he is the right person for you to relax your beliefs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 doing someone's laundry is a bit personal for "just friends" I would think they were FWB's and are intimate... money, staying over... Stick to your boundaries and don't accept this sorry Link to post Share on other sites
Author unarmedinlove Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 going on two years. Not only does this girl stay there quite often. But he lies to me when she is there. That is what makes me the most angry. And there is another girl to he claims is only his friends for years. And she goes over there and stays till the wee hours of the morning. He claims he isn't doing anything with her and just bought her an IPAD. He says he loves me and that he is not being with these girls. Well I have talked to both of them and told them they are over stepping and disrespecting my relationship. And they don't think they are. Even if I had a close friend who was male and had a wife or girlfriend I would never see him if she wasn't with him. Never would I as a women think it was okay to do the things these women are doing. Am I over reacting? I am just so sick of my gut being in knots all the time Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 well one thing you are doing wrong is talking to the girls. Why aren't you putting your foot down with your boyfriend??!!! He's the one with the obligation to you. Your boundaries are fine. Make sure you exercise them properly, ie don't waste your breath talking to the girls. Lay down the law with him. You might start by saying that you trust him but this behavior is not acceptable to you. He may be rebelling against the fact that what you are saying means you don't trust him. I do think it's a lot sketchy. You don't have to look much further than how a guy uses his cash. It's one thing if he's life of the party buying drinks and dinner when out in a group or even a gentlemen when out with his long time platonic girl friend. But an ipad? Snatching a $20 like she had every right too? Not cool at all. But don't be ridiculous and talk to the girls, come on! That's classic immature behavior. You are immediately showing him you're afraid to lose him and he has no incentive to stop what he is doing. They may all be making a big joke out of the fact you went to the girls. I'm not into ultimatinums but might just apply in this case. You should WANT to walk away from this if he can't see your point of view and agree it's hurtful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author unarmedinlove Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 Well he came over the other night and I showed him this post and he got all defensive. I just said you know what I am the one who is wrong because I shouldn't be all up in your business. You are going to do what you want to anyway. And I am sorry for handling this the way I did. I shouldn't be worried about what your doing. I just need to make sure I'm okay. So I am done doing this. But I don't want to be your gf anymore just friends. And since he left I have not text him once 1 Link to post Share on other sites
yankees51988 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 The rearranging thing is pretty weird, but I don't think any boundaries are really being crossed- everything else is kinda normal. I mean I've only had girls do my laundry when we were ****ing/soon to be ****ing or they were into me, and I would be like "uhhhh why are you rearranging my house I like it this way.." if a chick, girlfriend or just friend (or one of my boys) started rearranging my house. Still laundry sucks and I'll let anybody do my laundry and not complain. I'd be pissed if someone took money out of my wallet without asking but I'd always loan 20 bucks to a friend if they asked. Sleepovers, leaving her at the house when not home, and borrowing cars is normal, though. I have sleep overs with my good chick friend all the time and sleep in the same bed. She has a boyfriend and I wouldn't touch her because she's a good friend's ex but we party a lot and it's cheaper to just take one cab back to either of our houses or walk to whichever is closer. And when we sleep at the same house if I didn't bring a girl home when we were out partying or her boyfriend isn't there then we will share a bed. She's not going to make me sleep on a floor/couch when there is a bed big enough for both of us and vice versa- the bed is just more comfy. I leave friends both male/female or groups of friends at my house when I'm not home if I have to run out and do something and we're hanging out here. They aren't going to steal my **** and they're friends I trust so of course they can hang out at my house when I'm not home I don't care. Not like I'm gonna be like "Ohhh sorry guys gotta run some errands everyone out!!!". Nah it's just like "yo I gotta run out real quick and do some stuff you can hang out I'll be back in a little bit". As for loaning a car, I mean if I need it then you can't use it, but if one of my close chick friends just wanted it quick and not like for the whole day, like to run to the store or something real quick I'd give em my keys. Link to post Share on other sites
imtooconfused Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 Sleepovers, leaving her at the house when not home, and borrowing cars is normal, though. I have sleep overs with my good chick friend all the time and sleep in the same bed. She has a boyfriend and I wouldn't touch her because she's a good friend's ex but we party a lot and it's cheaper to just take one cab back to either of our houses or walk to whichever is closer. And when we sleep at the same house if I didn't bring a girl home when we were out partying or her boyfriend isn't there then we will share a bed. She's not going to make me sleep on a floor/couch when there is a bed big enough for both of us and vice versa- the bed is just more comfy. I come from a different time, so this just blows me away. If that floats your boat, though, I am not going to judge you. Ultimately, it doesn't really matter what I think, what yankees51988 thinks, or what unarmedinlove's boyfriend thinks. If it's NOT OK with unarmedinlove, it's NOT OK in her committed relationships. Be tough, stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 There is nothing innocent about his affair with that girl, and you're right, she is an evil presence. I have seen these type women time after time hang around like a synchophant and cater to guys they're after while pretending it's all just innocent and that they're just supernice superhelpful supercaring otherwise virginal creatures. BULLCRAP! They're manipulating man stealers, and the men who let them are either stupid in the extreme or want to play stupid so they can have their cake and eat it too. Leaving him is all you can do. She would have stayed involved and dug in just like the parasite she is, the whole time pretending she wasn't doing anything wrong, and crying and getting sympathy from him for being treated bad and accused. And she'd have kept it up until she broke you up. Which she now has. Let him get his fill of her. People like that can't keep their face on forever. Eventually even guys with blinders on begin to see how manipulative they are. Of course by then, if she wants one, she'll have his baby. There was a girl at the office who caused problems like that all the time at work and in private life of her boss. She had a sob story. The manipulators and golddiggers always do. They're just destructive and in order to get them out of your life, sometimes you have to just give them the territory. But it's worth it, because who wants to be with someone who is either that gullible or that deceptive. He knows full well having her around is getting away with murder and that no woman should put up with it. Let's see how long he'd put up with a guy showering at your place and coming over and helping you do laundry and cooking for you. He'd NEVER put up with it for one minute. Be glad you're out. Sorry it happened to you. It truly is something that there isn't much you can do about except take pleasure when you hear later how badly it all imploded on him and then run him off when he comes for comfort. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 OP, it sounds like he has a harem and that is completely normal in some cultures. Apparently, it's unacceptable to you. Right or wrong? Right for him and wrong for you, it appears. In life, every association is voluntary. These other ladies associate with him and he with them because they want to. Same with you. If this causes you to not wish to associate with him, that's a choice. His life, and yours, will go on. Link to post Share on other sites
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