Tigergirl Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 I've been lurking around for awhile on here, gathering up the courage to post my own crazy story. So here goes... I was married for 5 years, have a 3 year old dauggter. He was married for almost 15 years, with three kids. We met on Ashley Madison in June, have been seekng each other ever since. We were both comoletely miserable in our marriages. I had plans to leave my husband long before I ever met thy is MM. He had been considering leaving his wife. We spend all of our spare time together, every weekday and sometimes weekends, we take trips together, text and phone each other constantly. He has introduced me to two of his kids, under the giuse of friendship, he has introduced me to his business partners and associates, and I gave corresponded with his mother, who lives overseas. There are so many wrongs here, I know. Trust me, I know. We are madly in love. More than either of us have ever been. We are both 40, have a lot of life and relationship experience, and we've both been around the block, so to speak. In November, I left my husband and moved out on my own. I'm technically still married, but that'll be resolved soon. Here's the problem (as if you couldn't guess what was coming!) He is still with his wife. He has already come up with how he's going to tell her, he's been looking at apartments to move into, and he is working on building up a stronger relationship with his kids so that they continue to stay close after the separation. I could go on about how amazing and crazy this whole thing is, but I know you guys already get it. What am I asking for from you guys? I honestly don't even know. I guess I'm at the point where I'm trying to figure out if he's being honest with me about his plans, if he's really going to follow through, if he wants it enough to take the necessary steps to achieve it. I'm skeptical. But I'm also optimistic. And at the same time, I feel like I'm losing my freaking mind. Being in this limbo state, going to bed alone most nights and waking up alone most mornings, hurts and worries me. I've been patient so far and I'm truly trying to understand where he's coming from. It's only been 4 months since I left my husband. So I get that these things take time. But it's really hard. So how long do I wait? He seems to be taking all the steps necessary, but do I wait another month, 3 months, what? I don't know. I'm a very courageous and confident person by nature, but this has thrown me for a huge loop. I cannot stop seeing him. It's the truth. I couldn't handle it right now. So I'm not wanting to let him go, but I do need some words of encouragement or something to make me feel that this is not all in vain. Please be kind, guys. I'm really fragile and ready to have a breakdown as it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tigergirl Posted March 15, 2015 Author Share Posted March 15, 2015 Wow, lots of typos! Sorry!! Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 when does your MM plan to tell his wife and move out? What is he going to tell her? That's he's having an affair and wants to leave for the OW? I think he made a really big mistake in introducing you to his kids. They are not stupid. If he leaves how will he ever bring you into their lives without them knowing that you had an affair with their father? You met on AM. Was this your first affair? Was it his? Link to post Share on other sites
elliecoffee Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Have you tried asking him? Telling him how you feel? Big hugs Tigergirl, everything's going to be ok xx Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tigergirl Posted March 15, 2015 Author Share Posted March 15, 2015 when does your MM plan to tell his wife and move out? What is he going to tell her? That's he's having an affair and wants to leave for the OW? I think he made a really big mistake in introducing you to his kids. They are not stupid. If he leaves how will he ever bring you into their lives without them knowing that you had an affair with their father? You met on AM. Was this your first affair? Was it his? He hasn't set a date. This is what concerns me. There is no timetable. I have only pressed the matter to a certain extent. I don't want to push the matter and have him feel pressured. I'm sure he already does, but I don't want to make that pressure feel any greater. Ultimately, I want him to leave because he's unhappy with his marriage, and sees no way of resolving it, not because of me. He will tell her the truth. That he does not love her, he's been seeing someone else and has fallen in love with this other person. As for his kids, they are relatively young. Not stupid, of course. But it was a very casual thing, just met at a sporting event and I was introduced as a friend from work. It sounds suspicious for sure, you're right. This was not a first affair for either one of us. Yep, we are awful people, I know. I had a few EAs and one sexual-only affair prior to meeting him. He has had 3 affairs prior to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tigergirl Posted March 15, 2015 Author Share Posted March 15, 2015 Have you tried asking him? Telling him how you feel? Big hugs Tigergirl, everything's going to be ok xx I told him I need to know soon. He took it as me giving him an ultimatum. I said no, that's not what this is, it's simply me wanting to know if this is all in vain, if I'm holding into something that'll never happen. He said he wants it more than anything he's ever wanted in his life, that the only thing causing him to pause and not leave right this very second is his kids. He's wrestling with how he's going to maintain his relationship with them and gain more than every other weekend of custody. I get that. So I'm being patient. For now... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tigergirl Posted March 15, 2015 Author Share Posted March 15, 2015 Thank you, guys, for your kind words and support! It means so much to be able to get this all off my chest to people who understand where I'm coming from!! Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 I'm in a very similar situation to you - minus the leaving spouses bit. Gotta say, I'd never take a gamble on a man who is in his 4th affair. They say when a MM takes up with his mistress it leaves a vacancy. I think this is a big mistake for you. HUGE. I'll bet you were both "in love" With spouses once too. Y advise to you would be get IC to learn to be happy in your own company.... And start planning for a future that doesn't include him. And for gods sake, don't bring him around your child. Out of curiosity, did you tell your husband about your affair? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 I'm in a very similar situation to you - minus the leaving spouses bit. Gotta say, I'd never take a gamble on a man who is in his 4th affair. They say when a MM takes up with his mistress it leaves a vacancy. I think this is a big mistake for you. HUGE. I'll bet you were both "in love" With spouses once too. Y advise to you would be get IC to learn to be happy in your own company.... And start planning for a future that doesn't include him. And for gods sake, don't bring him around your child. Out of curiosity, did you tell your husband about your affair? Well, this is her fourth affair in a five year marriage... Neither are good bets, yet maybe a perfect fit. Truthfully, he isn't going anywhere would be the odds on favorite. it would be best if you cut him off totally until he was at least in the same place you are. Since you've already stated you won't stop seeing him then all you have left is accept whatever he deems you need. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 I think he is bull****ting you. Poppy 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Its probably never going to be more than what it is now. Get used to it, learn to like it, or walk away. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 He will tell her the truth. That he does not love her, he's been seeing someone else and has fallen in love with this other person. Yeah, good luck with that. That didn't work for me, and my ex-MM didn't have 4 affairs. Why do you think you are any different than the other 3? And you met on Ashley Madison, so you both were specifically LOOKING for still more affairs? And you think he's going to leave? Seriously? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 He's wrestling with how he's going to maintain his relationship with them and more than every other weekend of custody.... joint custody? he doesn't have to tell his W about the A, what's the point? just tell her that he's unhappy + he's leaving. give her time to adapt - both her and kids. also, it's not a good idea that you two move in together right away. if he does move out, you should try living alone, on your own. both of you. so you can focus on rebuilding friendly relationships with your spouses & focusing on your life. if you really want to do this right, there needs to be a lot of planning & patience involved. one of the best "transitions" i've seen (for all parties) was spouses leaving their marriages, living separately (both alone with kids) for about a year and only then moving in together and introducing each other as partners. this takes a lot of consideration and patience and not a lot of people can do that. but if you can? that would be the right way for both of you, kids and the spouses. personally? i don't think he'll leave his W. why? he's a serial cheater. you might be "IT" for him but that's a huge stretch. also, him accusing you of giving ultimatums when your request is totally reasonable? red flag. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 My bet is on him not leaving and blaming it on the kids. I'm sure he loves you and I'm sorry for your pain but this is the pattern that most MM follow, and there's a reason why this pattern emerges, even though all MM think they are different during the journey. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SleekArchitecture Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 What were you doing on one of those (forgive my judgement) cess pool sites? You have a daughter, and you are meeting and engaging with the kind of man who would sign up for adult sites, not only do you deserve better, your daughter the most important little precious being deserves better. Please re think this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Majormisstep Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 You don't wait another day. He isn't going anywhere and his excuse will be kids, status, finances, family dog or suddenly he realizes how much he loves his W (the latter being the most common of MM...just out trolling for a side piece until they get caught). You both are serial cheaters and IF somehow you end up together, this issue will absolutely rear its ugly head in the future. It has disaster written all over it. The more you pressure him to leave, the further he will withdraw. Eventually you will get tired of waiting...or, his W will find out and he'll do a 180 and decide to work on his M. Whichever scenario happens, it doesn't look good TG. In the meantime, start going to counselling to find out why you need to be validated through affairs. AM is certainly not the place to find a suitable partner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnimon Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Find out what happened to the 3 other women and I think it will tell you what your future holds. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
SleekArchitecture Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Find out what happened to the 3 other women and I think it will tell you what your future holds. Can we start the drum rolls for what excuses he has for those? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tigergirl Posted March 15, 2015 Author Share Posted March 15, 2015 I'm in a very similar situation to you - minus the leaving spouses bit. Gotta say, I'd never take a gamble on a man who is in his 4th affair. They say when a MM takes up with his mistress it leaves a vacancy. I think this is a big mistake for you. HUGE. I'll bet you were both "in love" With spouses once too. Y advise to you would be get IC to learn to be happy in your own company.... And start planning for a future that doesn't include him. And for gods sake, don't bring him around your child. Out of curiosity, did you tell your husband about your affair? I understand what you're saying. Yes, he's in his fourth affair, but I'm right there with him. Before this marriage, I had never cheated on anyone, ever. I was in a 10 year relationship with someone, and was completely faithful the entire time. I'm not an awful person, as much as it may appear that way. And yes, I've heard that saying before. My head is telling me I'm making a huge mistake, but my heart refuses to listen. If I had a friend who told me this story, I'd think she was a fool and advise her to end the relationship asap! If only it could be done without heartbreak. My husband suspected something was up, but had no proof, but he kept asking because he said he needed to know no matter what, and I felt like it was the right thing to do, so I told him. It was ugly, which is to be expected. But now he and I get along great and are working well together to raise our daughter as partners. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Find out what happened to the 3 other women and I think it will tell you what your future holds. Good advice except we already know what he will say. That those women didn't mean anything to him. They were just fun and sex. They weren't special like the OP. OP you said in your opening post that he seems to be taking all of the steps necessary to leave. Can you say what specifically those steps are? And looking at apartments on line or talking to you about how he plans to tell his wife don't count. Those aren't steps, those are daydreams. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tigergirl Posted March 15, 2015 Author Share Posted March 15, 2015 joint custody? he doesn't have to tell his W about the A, what's the point? just tell her that he's unhappy + he's leaving. give her time to adapt - both her and kids. also, it's not a good idea that you two move in together right away. if he does move out, you should try living alone, on your own. both of you. so you can focus on rebuilding friendly relationships with your spouses & focusing on your life. if you really want to do this right, there needs to be a lot of planning & patience involved. one of the best "transitions" i've seen (for all parties) was spouses leaving their marriages, living separately (both alone with kids) for about a year and only then moving in together and introducing each other as partners. this takes a lot of consideration and patience and not a lot of people can do that. but if you can? that would be the right way for both of you, kids and the spouses. personally? i don't think he'll leave his W. why? he's a serial cheater. you might be "IT" for him but that's a huge stretch. also, him accusing you of giving ultimatums when your request is totally reasonable? red flag. I have been living alone since November, and have been working on developing a working relationship with my husband, and we are now at the point where we get along great, and are partners in raising our daughter. As for moving in together, I do not want that yet. I know it's not a good choice. MM has actually brought it up a few times, and I said no. I know it would be a bad choice. Honestly, what I want is to know he's living on his own, taking steps to divorce his wife, and available to "date" me. I need to know he wants this for himself. Link to post Share on other sites
SleekArchitecture Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 How do you feel about this Ashley Madison character, 4 time affair guy factoring into your daughter's life? Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnimon Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 I would ask the same question of her, likely he thinks the same as she. This one is to hot This one is to cold This one is to soft This one, Ah, this one is just right.... Sounds like something from a fairytale. Because it is. They met on Ashley Madison, a sight for married people looking for a hook up not a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
SleekArchitecture Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 I would ask the same question of her, likely he thinks the same as she. This one is to hot This one is to cold This one is to soft This one, Ah, this one is just right.... Sounds like something from a fairytale. Because it is. They met on Ashley Madison, a sight for married people looking for a hook up not a relationship. I watched a Dateline undercover show that showcased a woman going to meet every character from every walk of life from AM, and these guys were grosser than wet, dirty, sex crazed, hairy toads. The way they presented themselves and spoke to this refined beautiful reporter was one for the record books. Self entitled is an understatement. And so selfish with their needs. You could only sit there watching it with mouth wide open and gawk. It was gross. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tigergirl Posted March 15, 2015 Author Share Posted March 15, 2015 Find out what happened to the 3 other women and I think it will tell you what your future holds. He was very serious with the first one, she was single and they had met through a work project, and they saw each other for a year until one day he needed to use her computer and found that she had been seeing other men, lied about it, and then finally broke it off with him. The whole thing is ironic, for sure. A cheater gets upset that the woman he's cheating with is cheating on him? Ha! The other two were short-lived affairs, one ended because she was married and her husband found out and insisted she stop seeing him, which she did. The other ended after just a month, and for a similar reason. Those two were more sexual affairs, from what I've gathered. Link to post Share on other sites
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