This hurts way too much

[Tigergirl]

I would ask the same question of her, likely he thinks the same as she.

 

This one is to hot

This one is to cold

This one is to soft

This one, Ah, this one is just right....

Sounds like something from a fairytale.

 

Because it is.

 

They met on Ashley Madison, a sight for married people looking for a hook up not a relationship.

 

Haha!! Thanks for the laugh, guys! I need it. Nope, neither one of us was looking for a relationship, but it happened. It f*cking sucks, but it happened.

[Tigergirl]

How do you feel about this Ashley Madison character, 4 time affair guy factoring into your daughter's life?

 

Honestly? I don't want him, or anyone for that matter, to be a part of her life until I know for sure, without a doubt, that it's the real thing, that I can totally trust him. Will that ever happen? I wish I knew. But I'm ok with waiting for awhile to find out.

[Tigergirl]

I watched a Dateline undercover show that showcased a woman going to meet every character from every walk of life from AM, and these guys were grosser than wet, dirty, sex crazed, hairy toads.

 

The way they presented themselves and spoke to this refined beautiful reporter was one for the record books. Self entitled is an understatement. And so selfish with their needs. You could only sit there watching it with mouth wide open and gawk.

 

It was gross.

 

I have no doubt that's the case for many on AM. Not to sound like an ever bigger idiot, but they are not all disgusting and self-entitled. Most are, but not all. I was getting hundreds of messages a day from old, horny, gross men. It was awful. They were desperate. But again, not all.

[Tigergirl]

Good advice except we already know what he will say. That those women didn't mean anything to him. They were just fun and sex. They weren't special like the OP.

 

 

OP you said in your opening post that he seems to be taking all of the steps necessary to leave. Can you say what specifically those steps are? And looking at apartments on line or talking to you about how he plans to tell his wife don't count. Those aren't steps, those are daydreams.

 

Well, let's see... you're right, they are not steps. It's just me wanting to see them as steps.

[Tigergirl]

 

In the meantime, start going to counselling to find out why you need to be validated through affairs. AM is certainly not the place to find a suitable partner.

 

Yes, I've heavily considered going to counseling. I feel that it's going to be the only way for me to resolve things.

[Cinnimon]

Tiger, I know in your thread, you were asking for words of encouragement but I just can't find any.

This guy has apparently had 15 years of marriage, 4 affairs , was actively seeking an affair when he met you.

He has had plenty of time to make the move but he hasn't.

He says honey, I'm divorcing you, bye! I see it as a whole lot easier than keeping up all the lies and deception for years and years. Please don't say he doesn't want to hurt her by doing it this way because he has been hurting her for years.

He's had plenty of time. He's lying to you.

I wish you luck.

[Tigergirl]

Tiger, I know in your thread, you were asking for words of encouragement but I just can't find any.

This guy has apparently had 15 years of marriage, 4 affairs , was actively seeking an affair when he met you.

He has had plenty of time to make the move but he hasn't.

He says honey, I'm divorcing you, bye! I see it as a whole lot easier than keeping up all the lies and deception for years and years. Please don't say he doesn't want to hurt her by doing it this way because he has been hurting her for years.

He's had plenty of time. He's lying to you.

I wish you luck.

 

 

It's ok. I appreciate your honesty and openness. Yes, he has been hurting her for years. I am pretty sure she knows he's been cheating on her.

[aliveagain]

You had your exit affair, it got you out of your marriage, O/M will keep you hanging on until affair number 5 comes along. Work on yourself so you are ready for Mr. Right when shows up, keep your daughter out of it. The only negative in all this is AM and your affair because one day you will have to tell Mr. Right that you joined AM and met your affair partner on it. That is one of the worst things to have on your resume. As a professional male I hate AM.

[SleekArchitecture]

This man has a history that is not likely to magically change for you. Fast forward to the future, you live together, he is not there as a strong willed man of honor and admirably committed step father.

 

You are juggling work, homework, meals, with the most beautiful vulnerable trusting little girl, and you are trying to be the best mother while juggling all the stress of this man running around with yet more mistresses.

 

Are there going to be fights, words, actions that this young girl will never be able to unsee. What will her future be with men?

 

I am not by oath saying this man is a warthog, but really open your eyes and investigate this man further and fully before committing.

 

He is not only committing to you, but he is committing to your child.

[sillychick]

I hardly ever post, mostly just come on and read. But this one for some reason I wanted to give you my advice, for what it's worth.

 

Several thoughts.

 

You were obviously unhappy in your marriage so I'm glad you took the leap with or without your MM doing it as well. It's good that you're on your own and that you now have a working co-parenting type relationship with your ex. So good for you there.

 

I am in my 40's and have been dating for about 4-5 years now (after my divorce). I will tell you that there are A LOT of single dads out there who have their kids 50% of the time. The guy I'm dating right now has his 11 year old daughter (and has for the past 7 years, since she was 4) 50%. He has her from Tuesday -Tuesday every other week. If he is a good father and has a good place for them to live and has the means to support them, he should be able to get 50/50 custody. From what I've seen anyway. I can't begin to tell you how many men in their 40's I've met who are single dads who have their kids 50%. Do not let him use this as an excuse.

 

I'm afraid to say to read up on these boards and see how many of these men never leave their wives. You need to prepare for that. Story after story just like yours where the plan is to be together and the guy will tell his wife and the OW is secretly hoping even if he doesn't have the guts to leave that she will for sure kick him out and then they can be together. Read and read story after story and you'll find how infrequently this really happens.

 

I'm sure it feels genuine when he says he's going to do it. But be prepared that he may not do it. There are so many reasons to stay. Pride, fear, guilt, the kids, community, family, fear of losing everything they have built (financially, 401K, etc.). You can't compete with that, so to speak.

 

I KNOW (believe me, I've been there) that you can't put a timeframe on when you will stop loving someone, but I do believe you have to put a date on this. Not saying you have to tell him what the date is, just saying that there will come a time when you need to move on.

 

Date others. Tell him if he finds himself divorced in the future he's free to look you up but you are moving on.

 

I cringed when I saw in one of your posts that you don't want to put pressure on him. I was in a situation years ago where this guy was separated from his wife, and I do mean separated. Separate residences, divorce papers were filed, etc. We met, planned to be together. He went back there (we lived states away) to finalize divorce papers and pack the rest of his stuff. I expected him back in 2 weeks.

 

He made excuse after excuse. She needed help with moving her son (not his son, blended family) out of the house, he thought they were going to have to sell the house after all (she was originally going to keep it in the divorce but then decided she couldn't afford it), his son (from his first marriage) was having issues he needed help with.

 

And I was patient. I kept thinking I shouldn't push him because these things take time. I didn't want to pressure him to hurry up.

 

Well he was getting back together with her. That's why he was taking so much time. He was keeping me on a string incase their marriage didn't work out again.

 

I remember back to when I said to myself 'I shouldn't pressure him' that it's BS.

 

He promised me things. I was states away, not dating others, putting my house on the market so we could buy something together, looking for jobs for him in his field. And he was out there f'ing his wife. So ya. I should have asked him his intentions so I could have moved on sooner.

 

Be careful. Start planning your exit strategy. Good luck

[SoleMate]

What am I asking for from you guys? I honestly don't even know. I guess I'm at the point where I'm trying to figure out if he's being honest with me about his plans, if he's really going to follow through, if he wants it enough to take the necessary steps to achieve it. I'm skeptical. But I'm also optimistic. And at the same time, I feel like I'm losing my freaking mind.....

Pinning your happiness on a cheating liar will do that to you. You sound too smart to be manipulated this way.

[Popsicle]

What were you doing on one of those (forgive my judgement) cess pool sites?

 

I am intrigued by the psychology behind what makes one get on one of those married-seeking-affairs dating sites. At the very least, they are LOOKING for an A, which is very different than A's that just happen to people without them wanting, expecting or knowing it.

[Popsicle]

 

I cringed when I saw in one of your posts that you don't want to put pressure on him. I was in a situation years ago where this guy was separated from his wife, and I do mean separated. Separate residences, divorce papers were filed, etc. We met, planned to be together. He went back there (we lived states away) to finalize divorce papers and pack the rest of his stuff. I expected him back in 2 weeks.....

 

Well he was getting back together with her. That's why he was taking so much time. He was keeping me on a string incase their marriage didn't work out again.

...

 

Horrifying!

 

It is a very real risk dating a separated person. You never know the conditions upon which they separated/how much unfinished business they have, and I'm not just referring to divorce finalization.

[sillychick]

Horrifying!

 

It is a very real risk dating a separated person. You never know the conditions upon which they separated/how much unfinished business they have, and I'm not just referring to divorce finalization.

 

Yep. I'll never do it again.

 

I suspect I wouldn't have even done it that time but he was a friend from High School. A VERY good friend, we had reconnected after a lot of years. I trusted he was being honest with me. He just kept pushing the time out and I was afraid to question him on it because I knew it was hard for him, etc., etc. Well BS. When someone promises something to you and then doesn't come through on it, I think you have every right to see where you stand so you can move on if it's not going to happen.

 

She left him a few months later and he reached out to me and I wouldn't hear of it. I will not be anyone's second choice.

 

Anyway. OP, I know it's hard to hear. But chances are VERY good that this guy will not follow through. Who knows for what reason exactly probably many of them.

 

I would seek therapy now just to get your head on straight and so you'll have someone to help you through if it takes a turn.

 

The one thing for sure that I wouldn't do is let it go on for too much longer. If he's hesitating there's a reason. Just like in my situation, there was a reason. It wasn't her son or the house or his son or any of those excuses he gave me to buy more time there before he moved here. It was him reconciling with her and not wanting me to know incase it didn't work out he would still have me.

[imtooconfused]

I don't want to dump on you any more than you already have, but I have to state the obvious... Men get on AshleyMadison to have an affair within their marriage, not to find someone to leave their spouse for. And for the record, most people would counsel against having an affair to leave your spouse because it is the wrong reason to both have an affair and to leave your spouse.

 

The best advice I can give is now that you are separated from your spouse, you need to back off from the OM and evaluate your situation independent of any emotional attachment. Clear your head, figure out whether there is any future for your marriage/husband and get that settled before you settle down with anyone else.

[Sassy Girl]

It's ok. I appreciate your honesty and openness. Yes, he has been hurting her for years. I am pretty sure she knows he's been cheating on her.

 

How do you feel knowing that you are a part of that?

[Sassy Girl]

I understand what you're saying. Yes, he's in his fourth affair, but I'm right there with him. Before this marriage, I had never cheated on anyone, ever. I was in a 10 year relationship with someone, and was completely faithful the entire time. I'm not an awful person, as much as it may appear that way. And yes, I've heard that saying before. My head is telling me I'm making a huge mistake, but my heart refuses to listen. If I had a friend who told me this story, I'd think she was a fool and advise her to end the relationship asap! If only it could be done without heartbreak. My husband suspected something was up, but had no proof, but he kept asking because he said he needed to know no matter what, and I felt like it was the right thing to do, so I told him. It was ugly, which is to be expected. But now he and I get along great and are working well together to raise our daughter as partners.

 

All this "head and heart" stuff is over romanticised bull$hit... You know that right?

 

What you're really saying is that you know its wrong, it's hurting people, including yourself, but you continue because you need the high he gives you.

 

Get into counselling. The problem isn't your marriage, his marriage or any other number of things. The problem is you.

 

You've just destroyed your daughters family and are hoping for the destruction of another family with 3 children. You do get that, right? Is that what you want to be?

[Eagle's-bargain]

All this "head and heart" stuff is over romanticised bull$hit... You know that right?

 

What you're really saying is that you know its wrong, it's hurting people, including yourself, but you continue because you need the high he gives you.

 

Sounds a lot like people on meth.

[miseenscene]

Hey, Tigergirl,

 

You will get a lot of people on here who project their own stories onto yours--they are going to be sure that they've got your married man's number, that you are delusional, that he is not going to leave. The truth is, no one knows whether he is really going to leave his wife--maybe even not him, at least not consciously--but not you, and certainly not people who don't know him. Ultimately it does not matter whether it's his first or tenth affair, and whether you are reunited first loves or Ashley Madison hookups. He is going to do what he is going to do, and there is nothing you can do to change it or control it. If you can really understand that, that should help with the anxiety. You have no control over what he will do. You have all the control over what you do today, and what you will do a week from now or a month from now.

 

But you put yourself in this state of mind: "I guess I'm at the point where I'm trying to figure out if he's being honest with me about his plans, if he's really going to follow through, if he wants it enough to take the necessary steps to achieve it."

 

Notice that it is all about him, your language is all him-oriented. You are trying to figure out what he thinks, what he is going to do, what he really wants, to read his mind, as if "the truth" of the situation or a guaranteed outcome is something that he is withholding from you.

 

You can't know these things and you are hurting yourself by going through this loop of reactive thoughts. And you don't need to. You will not be in this limbo forever. You are correct in writing that you are being patient...for now. Either he will leave his wife, or you will reach a point at which the situation becomes intolerable, and you will end things. And then at that point he may leave his wife, rather than lose you, or he might not leave his wife. But this will not last forever. And you will feel better if you think about what YOU think, what YOU really want, and what YOU are going to do--and the thing is--you will be okay either way. It is not possible that this was all "in vain." Whether or not you end up together, whether or not things work out if you do end up together, you were drawn to this situation because you needed to confront something in yourself, and that is going to happen regardless of whether you end up together. It sounds like he already was an important catalyst for things that needed to happen in your life.

 

So here is my encouragement for you. You don't have to let him go if you do not want to. Wait for as long as you want to and can. Your body and your heart will let you know when you can't any longer. Don't worry about waiting "too long" -- it won't be a minute longer than is feasible for you. Don't worry about some fixed amount of time--except maybe pick one for yourself as a point to check in with yourself, if that is comforting for you. And things will be okay either way.

[SleekArchitecture]

I cannot stress enough that you need to investigate investigate, did I say investigate this stranger you met on AM before going forward, if it gets to that point of him leaving and you two end up in a whirlwind get together, with your daughter involved.

 

Yes I was with a cheater for a long time, but we ran the same circles, so I know him very well, I know what an extraordinary father he is, his reputation, I know exactly who he is.

[Lurkeraspect]

If you're looking for anything other than having sex with this man, you need to keep it moving. You met on a site that specializes in infidelity, not in relationships beyond sex. Of course he's miserable in his marriage; probably because he invests no time and energy into it and rather figuring out ways to bang as many women as possible. He's going to tell you whatever he has to to have his fun, certainly you must know that.

 

So yea, if all you want is a fling, he's your man, if not, you might want to find another site to pick up men. Ashley Madison is nothing more than a paid version of Craigslist.