Virgin OW Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Hello everyone, This is my first time posting on here and I'm happy to find a community that I can finally share some of my thoughts with as I really have no one I can mention this to. A few months ago, I met a MM online, not intending to enter into an A at all. Since then, we've talked everyday via calls, text messages and emails. I think he's a really amazing guy and I could very much imagine myself falling for him. Which is why I know I should end this before that happens. I know its wrong, but the excitement I feel when I receive his messages or calls is nothing close to what I've felt with other guys. His wife is pregnant and I feel so guilty about our situation, however, I'm finding it really difficult to end our communication. This has been purely emotional and I've resisted his attempts at a PA so far. I'm so tempted to give in. If anyone has any advice, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you in advance. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Delete, block, ignore. Thats all there is to it. He's really not a nice man. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Virgin OW Posted March 15, 2015 Author Share Posted March 15, 2015 Satu, thank you for your response. I know you're right. I have to end it. I can't believe its gotten this far in the first place as I never expected to be the type who would be the OW. We've talked about consummating our "friendship" and what confuses me is that I'm actually so tempted that I want to/ have imagined going through with it. I'm a virgin and I don't know why I'm willing to share my first experience with someone who obviously will just be using me. Conflicted. I know how wrong it is and I'm really hoping his wife never finds out as I'm sure it would devastate her. I don't want to be the cause of any pain for his wife or children. Again, thanks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eagle's-bargain Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Satu, thank you for your response. I know you're right. I have to end it. I can't believe its gotten this far in the first place as I never expected to be the type who would be the OW. We've talked about consummating our "friendship" and what confuses me is that I'm actually so tempted that I want to/ have imagined going through with it. I'm a virgin and I don't know why I'm willing to share my first experience with someone who obviously will just be using me. Conflicted. I know how wrong it is and I'm really hoping his wife never finds out as I'm sure it would devastate her. I don't want to be the cause of any pain for his wife or children. Again, thanks. It is best to end it without a goodbye. Why? Something in his marriage isn't working and instead of talking to her, it's you. If it's friendship, you should be angry at him and yourself for getting this far. Don't let lust descend you into this pit. It might seem like love and friendship, but those things take a long time. If you are falling for him. End it before the cancer needs cemo, or a .44 mag. Read more posts here by people. See their pain, see the pain of the BS. Do you want this forever on your life resumé or CV?... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnimon Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Hello VO. First let me say welcome to LS, sorry you're here. After reading this OW/OM message board, you will understand why I say " sorry you're here. Now. First of all the is no " type " to becoming the OW. You say you could easily see your self falling for this guy, I say I'm pretty sure you already have. You need to stop this now before you let it get any harder!! Friends don't " consumate " friendships , his wife is pregnant , he's "consummating" with her. Please do not let him TAKE your virginity. He does not want a relationship with you, he wants to have sex with you, you would be just as well off giving it to a stranger off the street. This man/affair WILL break you, strip you of dignity, PLEASE SHUT HIM DOWN! You will regret it if you don't. I say this to you out of care and concern, truly. He's not your friend. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 give it up before you become more entangled with him. The longer it goes the harder it gets to end it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Majormisstep Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Send the "good-bye and good luck with your new baby" text, email or smoke signal to this guy right now. Then block all forms of communication you used with him. You know this is going nowhere - right? And as soon as that baby arrives, your position in his life went from #4 to #15 overnight. This guy is a dog. If I ever found out my H was chatting with a woman while I was carrying our baby, he'd be one sorry man. Good grief do not share your first experience with a MM! There is no reason to be conflicted. Save that "first" for a loving relationship with someone who is single. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnie33 Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 I'm assuming you are young because you don't realize what a jerk this guy is and have continued to talk to him even though he's married and his wife's pregnant. He is not looking at you as a "friend". Married men don't meet woman online they don't know to become "friends" and they sure as hell don't want to consummate with their "friends" and especially while his wife is having his child. This guy is disgusting and if I was you I would run. He is going to take your virginity and run. You will be left feeling used and hating yourself. Don't you want to lose it to someone who respects you enough to be in an open relationship with? Someone who you see a future with? The only future you have with this guy is hurt and pain. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Communication enables intimacy, hence why NC (no contact) is such an effective tool of ending attachments one feels are unhealthy or inappropriate. I found a combination of NC and focusing on other goals in life worked really well when facing similar challenges. Easy? Nope! Welcome to LS! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Hello everyone, This is my first time posting on here and I'm happy to find a community that I can finally share some of my thoughts with as I really have no one I can mention this to. A few months ago, I met a MM online, not intending to enter into an A at all. Since then, we've talked everyday via calls, text messages and emails. I think he's a really amazing guy and I could very much imagine myself falling for him. Which is why I know I should end this before that happens. I know its wrong, but the excitement I feel when I receive his messages or calls is nothing close to what I've felt with other guys. His wife is pregnant and I feel so guilty about our situation, however, I'm finding it really difficult to end our communication. This has been purely emotional and I've resisted his attempts at a PA so far. I'm so tempted to give in. If anyone has any advice, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you in advance. First, a little insight. Men can be affected by a pregnancy - even a planned one - much more differently than women. While marriage signifies commitment, pregnancy and impending fatherhood signal an even greater commitment. At that time, when the focus is on preparing for the baby and the mother receives a great deal of attention, some men may be at a loss. In that loss, there is loneliness and anxiety. Hence, it explains why a man in his position may have gone out seeking attention from someone. Why do I share this? Because you sound so very young and so ready to share intimacy with someone who is very likely using you quite badly - and he may not even recognize that he's doing this himself. Please stop yourself and find a good woman in your life that you can talk to about matters concerning love, sex and marriage. It sounds to me that you are at a point in your life when you want many things and are just venturing out into the world of men and love. Please take this time to understand boundaries, what constitutes a healthy and loving relationship, how to set expectations, how to hold yourself accountable and how to be a good partner as well as how to choose a good partner. This doesn't have to be a bad time in your life. Remember that we script our own disasters but author our own successes. He will be a disaster for you. Best of luck, GG 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anabel32 Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 It would be such a HUGE ego boost for him if you decide to loose your virginity with him... and... this is where the story ends really. There is nothing else you can achive from it, nothing apart from BROKEN HEART and LOSS OF SELF- RESPECT in a longer run. It may feel wonderful at first but YOU WILL REGRET IT!!! Please don't do that with him. Leave it for someone who will respect it. If he trully cared about you he wouldn't let you do it. He is selfish and doesn't trully care about you, even though he may say he does... Trust the experience of many people on this site. Don't make this mistake... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 I have to agree with Annabel. While I tried to take a not-so-cynical view of this man's behavior, the upshot would be that you were a trophy for him. He likely will say/do anything to make it "okay" for you to give him your virginity. The moment he has "conquered" you, he'll be on his way and you will be heartbroken and thinking back to all of the nice, kind, sincere things he said and wondering how the two men jive. They won't. He's playing you. Again, all I can do is urge you to find a good female mentor. Hopefully, someone who is in a good, stable relationship. Share your thoughts and dreams about marriage, love, having a family. Let her provide you advice about valuing yourself more than any man or any relationship. Have her help you learn about setting appropriate boundaries when men show interest - and not just married men but all men. Talk through what your ideal partner would be like. How would he treat you? How would you know you were valuable to him? I am an older lady - in my 40s - and got married late. People used to call me "too picky." My husband, to me, is the greatest man on earth. He is kind, gentle, compassionate and intelligent, but he won't let me push him around either. We laugh most of the time. Those were all qualities that were important to me. I refused to give up on any of them and was happy to spend my life alone if need be. Today, I try and help women - particularly younger women struggling in bad relationships - understand that you have an equal responsibility and an equal sense of self-determination in any relationship you enter. Be a good partner. Be kind, generous and understanding. But demand respect and an equal investment into your future together. When you don't get those things, don't sit and wait and hope. Walk away. The right guy will invest as much as you do and you will know it. It will FEEL different and it will feel RIGHT. You can't honestly say this feels right, can you? For a guy who is married with a baby on the way to pressure you into sex for the very first time? He isn't offering to be your partner, to hold your hand when you're scared, to provide a soft landing spot after a particularly bad day or to laugh with when you're cooking dinner together. He's offering to get all turned on, get naked with you, have an orgasm (and probably not care if you have one) and then be on his merry way, probably back home to see what his wife got at the baby shower that afternoon. And think about how it will feel after? When he doesn't call. When he does text but it's really just reaching out to make sure you're not too ticked off to contact his wife. When the baby is born and there are pictures of the new family all over facebook? And still, nothing for you but a few texts, a random call and the memories of sex? Please, please, please want more for yourself. Value yourself above any man. I know I sound very pushy here, but I really am concerned for you. Hugs, GG 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Communication enables intimacy, hence why NC (no contact) is such an effective tool of ending attachments one feels are unhealthy or inappropriate. I found a combination of NC and focusing on other goals in life worked really well when facing similar challenges. Easy? Nope! Welcome to LS! Truth! Popsicle 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Reality: He will never leave his wife for you. He is getting himself into a hot mess and you would be part of the crossfire. Emotionally you will not be able to handle when the baby comes. He will post pictures, send pictures to you and you will be life devastated but putting on a front to save face with him. Meanwhile you are in agony. I really wonder though where your head (what is your rational) is to even consider your first time be with a MM. It screams (to me) much deeper issues that you might want to explore. HE is the last person that deserves you. My first time was HORRIBLE for similar reasons. Eager, experienced *attached* male whom I trusted knew how to be gentle and understanding wasn't. I TRUSTED him for all the wrong reason when clearly he couldn't be trusted! I couldn't take it back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Hello everyone, This is my first time posting on here and I'm happy to find a community that I can finally share some of my thoughts with as I really have no one I can mention this to. A few months ago, I met a MM online, not intending to enter into an A at all. Since then, we've talked everyday via calls, text messages and emails. I think he's a really amazing guy and I could very much imagine myself falling for him. Then don't fall for him. You have the power to walk away before anything else happens. He isn't up for grabs, even though he's made it seem he's available, he isn't. He's a real sh.t to do this to his pregnant wife. Imagine if you were married and pregnant and your husband doing this behind your back, flirting and getting attention from another woman...I'm sure it would devastate you and make you feel awful, hurt, and betrayed. Put yourself in his wife's shoes. And, what type of man does this to his pregnant wife? A selfish one!! Which is why I know I should end this before that happens. I know its wrong, but the excitement I feel when I receive his messages or calls is nothing close to what I've felt with other guys. His wife is pregnant and I feel so guilty about our situation, however, I'm finding it really difficult to end our communication. This has been purely emotional and I've resisted his attempts at a PA so far. I'm so tempted to give in. DO NOT let it get physical. You know better not to. Just keep in mind it's easier to end it now BEFORE it gets more serious. You were fine before he came into your life, you'll be fine again afterwards. Be the woman you're meant to be. IF you choose to have an affair with him, will you be proud of yourself? Be able to boast about him to family and friends? Probably not. You'll be a hidden secret in his life and yours. If his wife finds out about this EA as it is now, could you face her and talk to her? What would you say? Good luck and I wish you the strength to walk away now. If you don't, you get what you get - Heartache, pain, and a lot of fallout. You're not a victim in this situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Satu, thank you for your response. I know you're right. I have to end it. I can't believe its gotten this far in the first place as I never expected to be the type who would be the OW. We've talked about consummating our "friendship" and what confuses me is that I'm actually so tempted that I want to/ have imagined going through with it. I'm a virgin and I don't know why I'm willing to share my first experience with someone who obviously will just be using me. Conflicted. I know how wrong it is and I'm really hoping his wife never finds out as I'm sure it would devastate her. I don't want to be the cause of any pain for his wife or children. Again, thanks. Don't let this guy be your first time. Your first time is supposed to be with someone special, someone you love, someone you don't have to share, someone who isn't married. You deserve love, respect and monogamy with a great guy, not some MM who is selfish and wanting to sleep around behind his wife's back and betray his family unit. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Hello everyone, This is my first time posting on here and I'm happy to find a community that I can finally share some of my thoughts with as I really have no one I can mention this to. A few months ago, I met a MM online, not intending to enter into an A at all. Since then, we've talked everyday via calls, text messages and emails. I think he's a really amazing guy and I could very much imagine myself falling for him. Which is why I know I should end this before that happens. I know its wrong, but the excitement I feel when I receive his messages or calls is nothing close to what I've felt with other guys. His wife is pregnant and I feel so guilty about our situation, however, I'm finding it really difficult to end our communication. This has been purely emotional and I've resisted his attempts at a PA so far. I'm so tempted to give in. If anyone has any advice, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you in advance. Everyone is saying the same thing for a reason. You are unable to see the situation for what it is. Take a step back and view this from another persons shoes. Imagine, your sister or your best friend in the situation you are in.. what would you advise them to do?? Please take off the goggles see what this man is trying to get from you. It may not be pretty or you might be in denial, but for your own mental and emotional health you need to see the entire situation for what it is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Virgin OW Posted March 16, 2015 Author Share Posted March 16, 2015 I'm sitting here in tears as I read all of your kind and wonderful words of advice. Thank you so much for your responses, I can't begin to explain how much this helps. When MM and I started talking last year, I saw it as mere friendship, nothing more. Little did I know at the time how easy it is to spiral down the slope, into an emotional affair, when boundaries are crossed. Apart from his lies to his wife, I really feel that he's still a good man. It helped that he never said anything bad about his wife. So I keep thinking that he can't be that bad. I know, I really should stop defending him in my mind. I'm 21, he's 35. I agree with you all, completely. I can't allow myself to share my virginity with him as he's only using me. Also, one thing I'm worried about too, although I know there's really nothing I can do...we've sent each other videos, his much more explicit than mine. I've never done that before and can't believe that I did. I wasn't thinking, my judgement was clouded by lust and excitement every time I hit the send key. I'm hoping he doesn't post them. I have to believe in the good in him as its something that's out of my control at this point. I tried ending it. And I'm so ashamed to admit to you all that I failed miserably. It went well for exactly two days...then it just became a game between the two of us as we tried to act "serious". I'm copying and pasting a portion of his email below: "Also, I would like for you to know that today was a difficult day as it was totally unexpected, but I was very understanding about your predicament and I understand how difficult it was for you considering you are a total sweetheart. I do feel bad and I do not want to put you through it. I am totally ok with a friendship with you since you are the sweetest person I know." I'm wondering (though I'm almost certain of your responses) is it at all possible for us to be strictly friends? Can it work? Again, I don't know why I'm defending his actions, but I believe that apart from this, he is a good man. Also, I don't know if I can end it in person. As many of you have suggested, I think ending it via email may be the best course then deleting and blocking all forms of communication. Please know that all of you have made a profound impact on me and your kind words and advice is really making a difference for me. I can't stop thinking about this entire situation and really can't share with my family or friends. My mom and sister has started to suspect that something is bothering me. I can't thank you all enough for lending an ear and offering advice. Thank You! I wish I could hug you all in gratitude. PS. Is there a way for me to individually message users directly on here? Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
anabel32 Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 (edited) I can do...we've sent each other videos, his much more explicit than mine. I've never done that before and can't believe that I did. I wasn't thinking, my judgement was clouded by lust and excitement every time I hit the send key. I'm hoping he doesn't post them. I have to believe in the good in him as its something that's out of my control at this point. DOn't be ashamed of the feelings and sensations that arise within you. You are new and inexperience yet... But you have to HONOR your body and make sure you don't throw away this precious first time and sexual pleasures for someone that cannot offer you real closeness and love in a longer run. And he won't offer you that, trust me, regardless of how much he profess now his feelings to you. You will just feel used... The important thing however is that you should firstly let go of judgments about lust and your sexuality. Lust is a natural flow of energy generated by the body. It is innocent and not inherently dangerous or destructive. Try to welcome it as something that you need to discover further... but not with someone that is not emotionally available to you. Whenever you feel lust, enjoy the tingling sensations in your body, see it as enjoyable in itself, without having to act on it. Sexuality, having sex with someone else, is one expression of this basic sensuality that belongs to you as a human being. Do not be ashamed of is. Your sensual nature is something precious and delicious but you need to save it for someone who will be worthy of it. RESPECT YOURSELF!!!! No one will do if you do not respect yourself first. People treat us only the way we allow them to. Edited March 16, 2015 by anabel32 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Virgin OW Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 You're absolutely right. I'll try to do it over email, clean and quick. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author Virgin OW Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 Hello VO. First let me say welcome to LS, sorry you're here. After reading this OW/OM message board, you will understand why I say " sorry you're here. Now. First of all the is no " type " to becoming the OW. You say you could easily see your self falling for this guy, I say I'm pretty sure you already have. You need to stop this now before you let it get any harder!! Friends don't " consumate " friendships , his wife is pregnant , he's "consummating" with her. Please do not let him TAKE your virginity. He does not want a relationship with you, he wants to have sex with you, you would be just as well off giving it to a stranger off the street. This man/affair WILL break you, strip you of dignity, PLEASE SHUT HIM DOWN! You will regret it if you don't. I say this to you out of care and concern, truly. He's not your friend. I took his call again this morning. I need to stop. Thank you for your advice. You're right... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Virgin OW Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 Thank you, I really appreciate all the advice everyone has provided me. Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 PS. Is there a way for me to individually message users directly on here? Thanks again. Yes, LoveShack has a private messaging system for members who have substantially contributed to the community for a period of time. However, it is primarily a public, peer-to-peer discussion forum where member concerns are directed at the membership as a whole and worked from that standpoint. When you see the word 'established' under your username, PM privileges will be available to you. More information on that can be found in our Questions and Comments forum. Now, back to trying to end the EA. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Virgin OW Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 I'm assuming you are young because you don't realize what a jerk this guy is and have continued to talk to him even though he's married and his wife's pregnant. He is not looking at you as a "friend". Married men don't meet woman online they don't know to become "friends" and they sure as hell don't want to consummate with their "friends" and especially while his wife is having his child. This guy is disgusting and if I was you I would run. He is going to take your virginity and run. You will be left feeling used and hating yourself. Don't you want to lose it to someone who respects you enough to be in an open relationship with? Someone who you see a future with? The only future you have with this guy is hurt and pain. I find myself constantly thinking about him...I really was hoping that maybe a friendship could work if we ended this. Thank you Ronnie33, I just have to do this for myself and end this already. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Virgin OW Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 GG, thank you so much for your advice. Thank you for doing what you do-helping women in bad relationships, it really helps to hear from people like you. I'm happy that you found the love of your life in a healthy, happy relationship with your husband. I hope I find the same too one day. I'm on my way to class right now. I owe you a much longer response. Thank again! Link to post Share on other sites
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