EA, trying to end it...

[the_artist_1970]

GG, thank you so much for your advice. Thank you for doing what you do-helping women in bad relationships, it really helps to hear from people like you. I'm happy that you found the love of your life in a healthy, happy relationship with your husband. I hope I find the same too one day.

 

I'm on my way to class right now. I owe you a much longer response. Thank again!

 

You sound so sweet and innocent, my heart really goes out to you. This older man has a pregnant wife at home and he is trying to take advantage of you. It really does show that you are dealing with something within yourself that you entered into this EA with a MM at such a young age. You are at a wonderful age to date single guys and explore options of falling in love with someone who really deserves you because trust me a MM doesn't deserve you. Can you get out and hang out with ppl your own age? A lot of times women who are so trusting of unavailable men have commitment issues where they can't form attachments to available men because of fear.

 

You ask can you be MM's friend. The answer is that friends are not hidden. Friends don't cross intimate boundaries. And if you are truly friends with him, then you can't be hidden from his W. His W is pregnant and going through a pregnancy is really rough. This jerk is out cheating while she is carrying his child. No, he is not a nice guy. He's a predator and you are his prey. Don't be that anymore.

[Mal78]

I'm sitting here in tears as I read all of your kind and wonderful words of advice. Thank you so much for your responses, I can't begin to explain how much this helps.

 

When MM and I started talking last year, I saw it as mere friendship, nothing more. Little did I know at the time how easy it is to spiral down the slope, into an emotional affair, when boundaries are crossed. Apart from his lies to his wife, I really feel that he's still a good man. It helped that he never said anything bad about his wife. So I keep thinking that he can't be that bad. I know, I really should stop defending him in my mind.

 

I'm 21, he's 35. I agree with you all, completely. I can't allow myself to share my virginity with him as he's only using me.

 

Also, one thing I'm worried about too, although I know there's really nothing I can do...we've sent each other videos, his much more explicit than mine. I've never done that before and can't believe that I did. I wasn't thinking, my judgement was clouded by lust and excitement every time I hit the send key. I'm hoping he doesn't post them. I have to believe in the good in him as its something that's out of my control at this point.

 

I tried ending it. And I'm so ashamed to admit to you all that I failed miserably. It went well for exactly two days...then it just became a game between the two of us as we tried to act "serious". I'm copying and pasting a portion of his email below:

 

"Also, I would like for you to know that today was a difficult day as it was totally unexpected, but I was very understanding about your predicament and I understand how difficult it was for you considering you are a total sweetheart. I do feel bad and I do not want to put you through it. I am totally ok with a friendship with you since you are the sweetest person I know."

 

If there is more to this email (as you said portion) it's very typical. He is still hopeful and by stringing you with his *sweet talk* he will wait for his chance/opportunity. I'm thinking you might have to be VERY clear on your boundaries and intentions

 

I'm wondering (though I'm almost certain of your responses) is it at all possible for us to be strictly friends?

 

NO! OK yes if you are willing to go for dinners at his house with his wife/family. Married couples don't typically have "Secret friends". Are you willing to be his wife's friend too?

Can it work? Again, I don't know why I'm defending his actions, but I believe that apart from this, he is a good man.

 

Also, I don't know if I can end it in person. As many of you have suggested, I think ending it via email may be the best course then deleting and blocking all forms of communication.

 

Please know that all of you have made a profound impact on me and your kind words and advice is really making a difference for me. I can't stop thinking about this entire situation and really can't share with my family or friends. My mom and sister has started to suspect that something is bothering me. I can't thank you all enough for lending an ear and offering advice. Thank You! I wish I could hug you all in gratitude.

 

PS. Is there a way for me to individually message users directly on here? Thanks again.

 

You seem to be a highly intelligent young women. This is something I wholeheartly believe will be a *mistake of your youth*. I trust that you will make a good choice.

 

***side note. My son is almost 21, I'm 35.

[georgia girl]

GG, thank you so much for your advice. Thank you for doing what you do-helping women in bad relationships, it really helps to hear from people like you. I'm happy that you found the love of your life in a healthy, happy relationship with your husband. I hope I find the same too one day.

 

I'm on my way to class right now. I owe you a much longer response. Thank again!

 

No thanks, necessary VOW! However, you do need to end it with the MM. Tell him simply, "Sorry, but this is not good for me. You know it and I know it. No recriminations, but please don't ever contact me again. After I send this email, I will block you. I don't mean to be hurtful, but I need to pick me." Then, walk away. It will hurt. A lot. But you will be so proud of yourself. Every day, you will feel both the grief and the pride. Eventually, the pride will win out.

 

 

Please also don't ever break NC. When you feel tempted, think about this: you can reach out and you will get his attention. Then what? The momentary high will be followed by a crash when you realize all of your dreams and hopes about a relationship with this man will never come true. It will simply hurt more.

 

 

You can do this. You are smart, you are strong, you are beautiful and you can make this investment now into a future that you can only dream about! But you have to make this step. No procrastinating.

 

 

Good luck, GG

[still_an_Angel]

Being the OW is not easy, much as you think and he says that you are special in his life and a priority, you're actually placed after his W, kids, family, work, friends, etc. the list goes on and on. Its a lot of waiting around and big disappointments because his real life comes first. You will have to settle for half a relationship from him and because you are single, then a full relationship from you even though you'll be getting only half or even only a quarter from him. This is not normal, you have everything to offer and rightfully deserve an honest relationship from a person who is able to give this back.

 

Step back and have a really good think on what or where you are going to be in his life, is this acceptable? Do you really see yourself in this picture when his W is having a baby? You have the power to walk away from potential disaster and heartbreak that this will bring in your young life.

 

I'm sorry to be such a damper on the exciting feelings you're having now, I only speak from experience as an OW who's been in an A long-term.