When does the panic subside...when do the memories fade

[lookingforclosure]

I've had a rough couple of nights here recently. I'm not quite sure why

 

 

It's been 2 months since he last contacted me saying I would hear from him in a month, and never did....he just basically pulled the disappearing act. And it's been a week since I discovered he has blocked my phone calls. I've had the strangest dreams...they always end with "you're going to call me right?" Maybe it's my subconscious dealing with the feelings I've been abandoned. There are many things that have just popped up over the past week...like the last time we spent the night together, a song brings me back to somewhere we have been. Why didn't I experience this earlier? Was it because I held out hope that in that month he would've reached out and wanted me?? A part of me is hoping for an apology...at least to see he was a human being with an actual heart and conscious and regrets ending things this way.

I get the hot panicky feelings when I wake up and don't want to get out of bed...I feel safe at home, silly I guess.

When can I put this past me? I live on egg shells every week day I have to go to work trying to avoid him on the road or at lunch when we both may be out.

 

 

Is it ridiculous to want to have the last say?? To tell him "hey you hurt me and that's not right" or do I sound like a pathetic person who deserved this because she got involved with someone else's H

[blue963]

I wish i knew, but the process is just starting for me.

[Ronnie33]

I feel everything you wrote. We haven't spoken in days and it ended after an arguement with no formal NC but I know it has to be over. I'm so mad at him and want him to reach out just to say "I hate this too but I understand". It feels so open but then I know that in the end nothing he's says will change anything but me feeling better for 5 mins. I really just want the validation that he cards and misses me too. We went NC almost two months a year ago and as time went on I missed him more but I knew he missed me too and there was still a chance for us, so that kept the hope alive. Now I know there is no hope and I have to move on but the reality of accepting that he will never be apart of my life is making it almost worse this time. I dream about him, I think about everything we said the past two years, clothes I have, there are so many triggers.

 

You are accepting it's over and the feelings you have are the similiar to withdrawing from a drug. It's awful and it will take over your thoughts but you have to push through if you want to come out clean. Cry and grieve and let it out but don't let it break you. I keep telling myself that this affair forever changed me but I'm still a good person and I want to feel that person again.

 

Good luck and we are here for you.

Edited March 15, 2015 by Ronnie33

[solostand]

I wish I knew too! Been NC 49 days and still some days (like today) MM is all I can think about. My birthday is coming up and I actually feel like I WANT him to call me!

 

Also I struggle with feelings of revenge - - I want to tell his BS everything and then I wonder why am I taking my anger out on her? I relive memories and wonder what he is doing, I try to think of negative

things but I can't!!!!!!! God knows there's lots of negative to think about but all I can remember is the good times.

 

My philosophy is one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. I have had break-ups before (even marriage break ups) and lived to tell the tale. I'll get through it and so will you.

[GoldieLox]

Is it ridiculous to want to have the last say?? To tell him "hey you hurt me and that's not right" or do I sound like a pathetic person who deserved this because she got involved with someone else's H

 

You don't sound pathetic, but... I'm going to advise you against doing that. I wanted answers and the 'last say' so to speak after a month of no contact, and we ended up speaking. It opened up a whole new world of hurt I've never felt before. Don't go looking for answers or closure from him... have the last say from within yourself. Tell YOURSELF that you don't deserve to be hurt by him or anyone else. Find your worth.

 

Everything else you've written, I feel, believe me. Are you doing enough to distract yourself? I find I was doing alright for a few weeks until I went on a vacation, had all this time to lounge around, and nothing stimulating to keep my mind occupied. I came back home and the past few days have been increasingly rough. I've been crying at work (we work together on top of it), moody, and my appetite is all over the place. I'm hoping that getting back to my normal routine will get me back on track.

 

Hang in there, and keep yourself busy.

[Eagle's-bargain]

A lot of these issues are talked about in "Stop thinking" it's not easy.

You're not alone.* Posting here is a lot better than breaking NC.

 

Unless coming here enables you...

 

Sometimes I come onto Loveshack and I don't think about the ex-ap at all. I think about helping other people, and listening to music.

Other times, I'm feeling down and out.

 

BUT, I am reading/posting on LS instead of actually being alone and looking for a reason to break NC.

While the latter doesn't happen often, I'm still happy I'm aware of triggers.

 

*At least, with these feelings you're not. Maybe you're writing from the ISS?