Two months in....or out.....of hell

[OlafTR]

Just looking for connection. I'm wordy, so I'll try and keep it short.

 

 

 

 

Two months ago I finally had the courage to leave an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship. My wife and I were married nearly 14 years ago and have three beautiful daughters. I could go into a diatribe of the ring of hell that Dante forgot to write about, but it was a ring I chose to be part of for quite some time, so I won't do that today.

 

 

Over the last 14 years I have changed two carriers in an attempt to make her happy, and most recently went back to grad school to pursue my PhD.... of course all planned out with a supporting spouse...

Ya know... during the first semester she never took the time to know what classes I was taking, and if you asked her she couldn't even tell you what degree I was pursuing. Here I go.... if I turn this into a bitch fest I'll never stop writing....

Long to short, at the turn of the year I was told to leave..... it wasn't the first time my wife decided our marriage wasn't an important commitment. The first time was three days after I returned from a tour on a Submarine while in the Navy... she just surprised me with a packed truck and took off. There were others in between, but this time my body just told me this was the last time, so I left..... and it hurts, and feels like the right thing, but I feel lost and am questioning the path I am on.

I busted my ass for the last 14 years to give her everything she said she needed while she did nothing but spent money for the majority of the time. Two years ago she started an Etsy business.... while our baby was recovering from her second heart surgery..... and with the money I was making. Since then her spoons have been all she did and .....grrrrrr....not healthy. Case and point, I'm now a single dad 50% of the time, a full time grad student with not enough time, living in new city and in a two bedroom apartment smaller then the one I lived in when I was 20.

I'm angry, sad, disappointed, and questioning my path..... but there is no part of me that would put myself back into that toxic relationship. Which is good, because she seems to be having the time of her life. Please tell me this is all part of it, and things get better. On the up side, she doesn't want the kids 100% of the time, and has said "I can still be their Dad"..... controlling B.... good days, and bad....more bad lately.

Anyone been there, are there?

[Downtown]

I finally had the courage to leave an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship.... Anyone been there, are there?

Olaf, welcome to the LoveShack forum. Yes, I was in a mentally abusive relationship with my exW -- for 15 years in my case. If you would like to read about my experiences -- and those of GreenEyedRebel -- you will find them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. My exW was so vindictive and verbally abusive that, at the end, she had me arrested on a bogus charge and thrown into jail.

[KBarletta]

Many of us have been there or are there, myself included. Not necessarily the same circumstances, but I can say for sure that it gets better. Just keep reminding yourself how she has treated you and why this happened.

 

My advice is to 1. Focus on taking care of yourself and your kids, and being a good dad. 2. Contact an attorney as soon as possible. She may say now that 50-50 custody is OK but she also sounds like someone who could change her mind quickly. Protect yourself as much as possible.

[OlafTR]

OMG Downtown....

 

 

I must admit, my ex had a horrific relationship with her mother, bad enough that although her mother still lives, my ex names her dead. Several years ago she was reading a book on BPD and swore that her mother had it, but at the time I refused to connect the dots.

 

 

After reading the linked posts and articles, the pattern that emerged in her push/pull, black/white, love/hate is amazing.... also is the fact of the psychological trauma that one like that causes to their spouse. Truth be told, part of me is like.... but what if....

 

 

I really think the hardest part of right now is wanting to say things to her, to try and get her to understand.... but I know it would be wasted breath on deaf ears. F*** this is frustrating.

 

 

I know this is not the life I dreamt of, but the fact is I kind of forgot how to dream being with her. It was all cause and effect. I felt like some experiment, or tool...... more like an employee. There was even one time when she used my professional relationship with my last boss as analogy to how I needed to report to her.

 

 

I'd rather be happy in a dream that never was, then trapped in a dream that couldn't....

[Downtown]

My ex had a horrific relationship with her mother, bad enough that although her mother still lives, my ex names her dead. Several years ago she was reading a book on BPD and swore that her mother had it....

Olaf, if your Ex has strong BPD traits, her bad childhood and terrible relationship with her mother are not unexpected. A recent survey of BPDers found that 70% of them report that they were abused or abandoned in childhood. Moreover, because BPD is believed to arise partly from genetics and partly from an unhealthy childhood environment (e.g., an emotionally unavailable mother), it would not be surprising to learn that her mother really does have strong BPD traits.

 

I really think the hardest part of right now is wanting to say things to her, to try and get her to understand.... but I know it would be wasted breath on deaf ears.

Yes, if your Ex really does exhibit strong BPD traits, telling her about your suspicions almost certainly would result in her projecting the accusation right back onto you. And, because projection works entirely at the subconscious level, she likely would be convinced YOU are the BPDer.

 

I kind of forgot how to dream being with her. It was all cause and effect. I felt like some experiment, or tool...... more like an employee.

Whereas narcissists and sociopaths tend to be very manipulative, BPDers (i.e., those with strong BPD traits) tend to be very controlling. Due to their great fear of abandonment and engulfment, BPDers will try to control nearly every aspect of their loved ones' personal lives to prevent those fears from being triggered. Although they are very controlling, they usually are not very good at manipulation and scheming, which require careful planning and flawless execution to be successful. Most BPDers are unable to pull that off because they are so impulsive that they become reactive to whatever feeling is occurring that very moment.

 

Hence, BPDers generally are very controlling in an opportunistic sense, not in a scheming well-planned sense. This, at least, has been my experience, Olaf. If you're interested, I list the classic red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of them ring any bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Olaf.

[LifeNomad]

the part of being a part time dad sucks and I can relate. I split with my ex about 8 months ago, I see my kids almost every other day and weekend(s) they stay with me.

 

 

I still miss waking them up, taking them to school, all the little things. it sucks man.

[OlafTR]

I hear ya Lifenomad. My ex used to sleep in until 10ish....normally hangover from drinking until 1am....but that's neither here nor there. Anywho, I used to get up with my girls and do breakfast every day. I miss the mornings with them the most. Now half of my mornings with them is just the machine to get them to daycare.

 

 

Downtown: the part I'm tripping about right now is she had me convinced I had some sort of bi-polar / anti-social disorder. Even reading the symptoms I still think I do, and if it wasn't for the fact the I read a BPD spouse can take on the BPD traits to help cope..... and for the fact that my symptoms hadn't started until about two years into my marriage. This is going to take a lot of work isn't it?

[Downtown]

Downtown: the part I'm tripping about right now is she had me convinced I had some sort of bi-polar/anti-social disorder. Even reading the symptoms I still think I do....

Olaf, I cannot diagnose your issues. I can tell you, however, that if you were a sociopath (i.e., if you really do have Antisocial PD), you would be incapable of loving anyone else. Instead, you would regard them as objects. Hence, if it's true that you dearly love your young girls (and most likely still love your W), you can rule out ASPD.

 

As to bipolar disorder and BPD, you should speak with a psychologist if you seriously believe you exhibit strong traits of either disorder. Only a professional can diagnose it. I note, however, that both of those disorders cause strong emotional instability, which means it is extremely unlikely that BOTH you and your W would have such a disorder. I say this because a relationship involving two very unstable people typically self destructs very quickly. Such people are very unlikely to live together for 2 years, much less for 14 years. An interesting issue, then, is whether one of you has strong traits of a disorder and is projecting it onto the other person.

 

If you decide that one of you is exhibiting strong red flags for BPD and would like to discuss them here, it would be helpful if you would tell us which of the 18 BPD Warning Signs apply most strongly -- and which don't apply at all. Similarly, if you would like to discuss the red flags for bipolar, it would be helpful if you would tell us which of the warning signs at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences apply most strongly.

 

I read a BPD spouse can take on the BPD traits to help cope..... and for the fact that my symptoms hadn't started until about two years into my marriage.

Yes, this maladaptive process can occur in abused spouses of BPDers. This process is sometimes called "picking up fleas." Moreover, if you really are the one having strong and persistent BPD traits -- as you once suspected -- those behaviors almost certainly would have showing strongly by your early teens. Because PDs typically arise in early childhood (usually being entrenched before age five), it is extremely rare for PD symptoms to lie hidden for many years after puberty occurs.

[OlafTR]

Yeah. None of my symptoms/feelings started until about two years into the marriage. I'm going to go talk to a professional about this tomorrow though. I just can't shake the feeling/thought that if she could just see what really needed to be fixed everything would be OK. What were the best things you did for yourself in order to cope with the feeling of loosing those 15 years? Do you feel you life is better now?

[Downtown]

What were the best things you did for yourself in order to cope with the feeling of loosing those 15 years? Do you feel you life is better now?

Olaf, I went to a therapist (psychologist) for about six visits, which was helpful. I also found it very helpful to learn online about how to identify BPD warning signs. Learning more about my W's behavior actually sped up my healing process by helping me to disentangle my own issues from hers.

 

Excessive caregivers like me tend to become very enmeshed with a BPDer partner. By learning about my exW's contribution to the toxic marriage, I was able to see -- through subtraction -- what my contribution had been (i.e., my enabling behavior). As to your other question, yes, my life was enormously improved by divorcing my BPDer exW.

[DSP]

I have a feeling you are now going down the rabbit hole learning of disorders and you are in the process of picking your jaw up from the floor.

 

I urge you to get to a psychologist sooner rather than later.

 

If you do not have any type of personality disorder then you were exhibiting behavior of the person you were close to. Very common.