Haven't had sex with husband in 6 weeks!

[Mapper71]

He won't talk to me about anything important. We haven't had sex in 6 weeks even though I continually drop hints. I sat in the bathtub last night with the door wide open. Anytime before he knew I was in the bath, he'd come in and take a look. Last night he gets about 2 feet from the door and asks if I'm in the tub and I say yes and he turns around before passing the door to look in. That makes me feel terrible. I went up behind him 15 minutes later and wrapped my arms around him and then moved them down to "that" area and he blatantly goes "it's limp". I say "What is going on? Are you no longer attracted to me?" He goes sarcastically "Yeah, THAT'S it!" I say "Well if it's not that then what is it? We haven't had sex in 6 weeks and I can count on one hand how many times we've had it since last October". He shrugs his shoulders and won't look me in the eye and goes "I don't know. Maybe I need a pill or something". He's only 47. He shouldn't be losing his sex drive yet...especially when he used to want sex all the time. I go "Well if it's not me then did you just lose interest?" He again shrugs his shoulders and says a very agitated "I DON'T know okay!' and then goes into the other room and starts talking to the cat and then goes into the garage and plays his guitar. I'm left standing nearly in tears because he won't talk to me about what is going on. He starts being all sweet with me later and puts his arms around me and calls me Sweetie and at one point cops a feel but that is all In bed he puts his arm around me but that is all. He knows I'm upset about it but he thinks just being extra nice to me will fix it.

 

Same goes for him not going to work. He won't talk to me about why he isn't going in, just promises me day after day that tomorrow he'll go in and then can't because he has a back ache or neck ache or not enough sleep and just can't make it in. If I get upset and ask him to tell me the real reason he gets upset and just walks away. It has been 2 weeks since he's been to work.

 

He will talk ad nauseum about his video games or his motorcycles but will not communicate with me about the really important things and if I push him, he just gets upset and leaves the room. I am left feeling empty and sad. Am I just supposed to ignore all the problems and act like we have a hunky-dory marriage?? It's pretty sad to think my husband can't even talk to me about what's really going on.

Edited March 15, 2015 by Mapper71

[SJS]

Maybe it's all the nagging.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Unfortunately there are no easy answers here.

 

The first red flag is his job. It sounds like he may have lost his job which is affecting his libido and understandably so. If he hasn't gone into work for two weeks, this is a HUGE red flag. There aren't many companies that will accommodate this amount of time off or at least not without some kind of doctor's note.

 

Have you checked your bank accounts to see if his paycheck has been depositing? Do you know anyone he works with that you can call nonchalantly? Or maybe just call the company yourself looking for him. I'm not sure but if it were me, that's where I'd start to try and piece things together especially since he doesn't seem open to talking about anything at the moment.

 

The lost job, the lack of motivation, the loss of libido, the physical ailments all point to depression...or midlife crisis.

 

Bottom line is he NEEDS to talk about it. If not with you then with a professional therapist. As his partner, you should be in the loop but the most important thing is to address his issues in whatever ways make him most comfortable and then (hopefully) you'll be brought up to speed soon after.

 

How do you get him to the therapist? Another huge obstacle for many unfortunately. So many men are apposed to conventional therapy for various reasons. I think if you come at him from the point of view that you're really concerned about him and that you love him and support him no matter what, might encourage him to at least think about it. Whatever you do, do NOT bring up sex. If there is more going on with him regarding his job it's not unusual for one's libido to be affected by all the stress. Reminding him that he hasn't been performing as well as he used will only make things worse.

 

The other somewhat obvious option might be that he's having an affair. It's hard to really comment much more on this or anything since we don't know the whole story but perhaps something to consider. Do you know his whereabouts during the day or night? Have you noticed anything unusual apart from his sex drive?

 

Again, I suspect it has more to do with this job than another woman but one can't be too naive about such things.

 

Good luck.

[Mapper71]

Unfortunately there are no easy answers here.

 

The first red flag is his job. It sounds like he may have lost his job which is affecting his libido and understandably so. If he hasn't gone into work for two weeks, this is a HUGE red flag. There aren't many companies that will accommodate this amount of time off or at least not without some kind of doctor's note.

 

Have you checked your bank accounts to see if his paycheck has been depositing? Do you know anyone he works with that you can call nonchalantly? Or maybe just call the company yourself looking for him. I'm not sure but if it were me, that's where I'd start to try and piece things together especially since he doesn't seem open to talking about anything at the moment.

 

The lost job, the lack of motivation, the loss of libido, the physical ailments all point to depression...or midlife crisis.

 

Bottom line is he NEEDS to talk about it. If not with you then with a professional therapist. As his partner, you should be in the loop but the most important thing is to address his issues in whatever ways make him most comfortable and then (hopefully) you'll be brought up to speed soon after.

 

How do you get him to the therapist? Another huge obstacle for many unfortunately. So many men are apposed to conventional therapy for various reasons. I think if you come at him from the point of view that you're really concerned about him and that you love him and support him no matter what, might encourage him to at least think about it. Whatever you do, do NOT bring up sex. If there is more going on with him regarding his job it's not unusual for one's libido to be affected by all the stress. Reminding him that he hasn't been performing as well as he used will only make things worse.

 

The other somewhat obvious option might be that he's having an affair. It's hard to really comment much more on this or anything since we don't know the whole story but perhaps something to consider. Do you know his whereabouts during the day or night? Have you noticed anything unusual apart from his sex drive?

 

Again, I suspect it has more to do with this job than another woman but one can't be too naive about such things.

 

Good luck.

 

No he has not lost his job. He has done this for years where he abuses the hell out of his FMLA and takes days, sometimes weeks, off without any repercussions. Finagles doctor's notes, lies to his manager etc. I can log onto his work website and see when he clocks in and out, his paychecks, etc. Plus I have seen many texts to his manager saying he won't be in due to backache, doctor's appt, phys ther. appt. He still has his job. In fact, just a month ago he moved to a new area which he has raved about saying how everyone is fantastic and laid back. Then after 2 weeks he pulls this crap.

 

No he isn't having an affair. I have checked every avenue-phone records, texts, facebook, bank accounts, email, even checked his computer history. Nothing odd going on. According to his history, he hasn't even visited any porn sites which he used to do all the time when he was horny and I was at work or just needed a day off from sex.

 

I just don't know what to think and he certainly isn't going to tell me...just keep sweeping it under the rug.

[orangetree]

To me it sounds like your husband is depressed. He's not going to work and makes up excuses, he doesn't want sex, he talks about his video games instead of talking to you. Those are all signs of a depression. What about other things, was he doing sports and has stopped it a while ago because he doesn't seem motivated anymore? Does he seem to lack motivation in other areas too?

[Ninjainpajamas]

You need to just back off.

 

One of the worst things women do is let their insecurities confuse and complicate a situation by drawing all these unnecessary and panic ridden conclusions. All it does is add to the stress and whatever else is going on. And then because you're not getting answers due to your overbearing concern, you just apply more pressure and draw more ridiculous womanly conclusions that likely have nothing to do with the actual situation but just cause more withdrawal and shutting down by the man.

 

Be patient and back off, stop throwing fits and understand that he's going through some issues and the more you do what you're doing the harder you're actually making it to talk to you...stop trying to FIX the problem, you can't and won't anyway. Instead give him time and space and let him come to you while creating that relaxed and comforting environment instead becoming and emotional wreck.

 

I realise that's difficult for you right now but that's the answer. Of course you'll probably do the opposite and force a conflict...go ahead and destroy it doing it your way, any real chance you had at finding out the l problem.

[MidwestUSA]

I agree with NIP about backing off, but knowing the OP's history, well, LOL, I'd take it a step further.

 

OP, the way you two talk to and interact with each other is barely conducive to living under the same roof, much less having sex.

 

OP, stop having ANY conversations with this man and give him an ultimatum. He goes to an MD and or/psych/therapy, and grows out of this man child phase, or you divorce him.

 

ETA: therapy for you would be in order as well.

[Mr. Lucky]

 

OP, stop having ANY conversations with this man and give him an ultimatum. He goes to an MD and or/psych/therapy, and grows out of this man child phase, or you divorce him.

 

ETA: therapy for you would be in order as well.

 

True. Mapper, seems like forever you've been complaining about him without doing anything about it.

 

How's that working for you ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[darkmoon]

so get him a pill, he asked for a pill, not to be dragged off to a therapist

[Mapper71]

To me it sounds like your husband is depressed. He's not going to work and makes up excuses, he doesn't want sex, he talks about his video games instead of talking to you. Those are all signs of a depression. What about other things, was he doing sports and has stopped it a while ago because he doesn't seem motivated anymore? Does he seem to lack motivation in other areas too?

 

Well I would hardly say he's depressed! He keeps saying how he loves his job now, what a happy home and happy life we have. He just built shelves in the garage last weekend that he was really proud of. Oh he talks to me...he just talks about his video games to me! He calls me honey and sweetie and puts his arms around me, holds my hand, kisses me, but just doesn't seem to want to even touch me other than that or look at me in a state of undress.

 

 

I can't talk to him about what matters EVER! Every time I try to he gets agitated and if I bring it up again saying we need to communicate better he gets furious and changes the subject or walks away.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Well then this is indeed perplexing.

 

At this point I would strongly suggest that if he's not willing to open up to you about what's going on or go to a marriage counselor that YOU go on your own. I'm a huge advocate of therapy. Having someone impartial to unload on who has the expertise to guide you gently to your own light-bulb moment(s) is invaluable. They might help you deal better with your spouse.

 

Other than that I'm all out of suggestions.

 

And no, you shouldn't "ignore all the problems and act like you have a hunky-dory marriage". That doesn't solve anything and will only drag out an unhappy marriage until you're both seething at the mouth with anger and resentments. No one wants to end up here.

[Mapper71]

This. Many men hate therapists, I know I do. The whole idea of going to a therapist just seems stupid to me. The pill will make him want to have sex more, thus solving your problems. Quit nagging him and make him an appointment to see a medical doctor.

 

 

 

He obviously isn't happy about the sex issue, which seems to be your problem. Building shelves, talking about work and games, those things can all be a form of escape for him. A lot of men like to do other things so we don't have to constantly think about our problems until we feel we got a handle on them.

 

 

 

Maybe he doesn't want to talk about it. He probably doesn't yet know what he wants to do about it. Why keep pressuring him to talk about it when you see that is not working? I would suggest making him an appointment to see the doctor. Be supportive about it, don't nag.

 

 

Well he's had PLENTY of opportunities for him to talk to his doctor. He's gone to see him twice in the past week for his "backaches and neckaches" he says keep him from going to work. Funny how he can build shelves and do yardwork but can't go to work. I certainly am not going to make an appt for him. Hell he won't even be straight with me what is going on so he most certainly isn't going to go talk to his doctor about whatever his issue is.

[Thegameoflife]

It sounds like he should see a specialist, as it's possible he might have fibro myalgia. Fatigue, depression episodes, aches and pains that aren't explained by injury or physical symptoms; these are signs. Other symptoms must also be present to be diagnosed.

 

I have it, and it can be pretty brutal. Had to learn stress management, and self-hypnosis to sleep better. During flare-ups, it really kills my sex drive. I have learned to cope though, so there is hope If it's what he's dealing with.

[SawtoothMars]

Well he's had PLENTY of opportunities for him to talk to his doctor. He's gone to see him twice in the past week for his "backaches and neckaches" he says keep him from going to work. Funny how he can build shelves and do yardwork but can't go to work. I certainly am not going to make an appt for him. Hell he won't even be straight with me what is going on so he most certainly isn't going to go talk to his doctor about whatever his issue is.

 

Any chance he got fired and is just too ashamed to tell you?

[Michelle ma Belle]

Mapper, so I'm curious...

 

You've painted a snapshot of what you're going through. Many LS members have weighed in with some really good points to consider yet you seem to have an answer for everything shooting down every possible angle with feels like 100% certainty. Personally, I don't know anyone who can be that certain about anything especially a spouse who doesn't share anything of importance with them.

 

What kind of responses were you hoping to get from posting on here? What did you want to hear from us?

[MJJean]

so get him a pill, he asked for a pill, not to be dragged off to a therapist

 

A pill will make him able to achieve erection, but an erect penis doesn't necessarily make a man want to have sex or enjoy the sex he can have while on it. Besides it's entirely possible he has an undiagnosed medical condition that is causing his lack of sex drive. Most medical conditions that effect libido can also e life threatening.

 

OP, I know you said your DH has been to the doctor a few times in the last few weeks, but that doesn't do much good as the testing needed for low libido isn't part of the standard visit unless the patient requests it. So either you call ahead of his next appointment and have the doctor talk to him about low libido and possible health concerns or make him do it.

 

I agree with NIP about backing off, but knowing the OP's history, well, LOL, I'd take it a step further.

 

OP, the way you two talk to and interact with each other is barely conducive to living under the same roof, much less having sex.

 

OP, stop having ANY conversations with this man and give him an ultimatum. He goes to an MD and or/psych/therapy, and grows out of this man child phase, or you divorce him.

 

ETA: therapy for you would be in order as well.

 

This I agree with. He's a 47 year old married man. There is absolutely no reason on Earth he should be taking time off of work to screw around with shelves and video games when he could be saving that time for an actual emergency. Not to mention he should be well past the age of hiding his head in the sand and ignoring glaring problems in his life.

 

Maybe telling him to get his sorry butt back to work like a grown up, get his libido sorted, or get a lawyer would be the fire lit under his gaming chair that he needs to get him going.

[SJS]

Mapper, so I'm curious...

 

You've painted a snapshot of what you're going through. Many LS members have weighed in with some really good points to consider yet you seem to have an answer for everything shooting down every possible angle with feels like 100% certainty. Personally, I don't know anyone who can be that certain about anything especially a spouse who doesn't share anything of importance with them.

 

What kind of responses were you hoping to get from posting on here? What did you want to hear from us?

This is why I'm surprised she gets the answers she does. People really take the time and thoughtfully respond, she whines "but but but..." and then a couple days later starts a new thread bashing her husband again. It's time she sh*ts or gets off the pot, so to speak.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I can tell you really dislike him in every way, I am surprised you are interested in having sex with him either?

[Michelle ma Belle]

This is why I'm surprised she gets the answers she does. People really take the time and thoughtfully respond, she whines "but but but..." and then a couple days later starts a new thread bashing her husband again. It's time she sh*ts or gets off the pot, so to speak.

 

I think I need to start reading past posts before responding. This would have saved me valuable time and energy

 

OP, I think you need to do some serious soul searching about your relationship. Anyone who so many issues with their spouse warrants some deep reflection about what they really want from their relationship and from life in general.

 

Good luck.

[Mapper71]

Any chance he got fired and is just too ashamed to tell you?

 

Nope. I can log onto his work website and see his paychecks, log in and log out times and for the past two weeks he's bee putting in daily on his timesheet "Leave Without Pay".

[Mapper71]

This is why I'm surprised she gets the answers she does. People really take the time and thoughtfully respond, she whines "but but but..." and then a couple days later starts a new thread bashing her husband again. It's time she sh*ts or gets off the pot, so to speak.

 

Yup...and people like you can't help but keep responding to my sorry ass questions just to tell me what a sorry-ass person I am. Thanks!

[Mapper71]

I can tell you really dislike him in every way, I am surprised you are interested in having sex with him either?

 

Yeah I know. I'm ALL kinds of messed up!! About to have a totally nervous breakdown myself! Can't wait!!!

[Minnie09]

Nope. I can log onto his work website and see his paychecks, log in and log out times and for the past two weeks he's bee putting in daily on his timesheet "Leave Without Pay".

 

He seems just lazy, that's all. Lazy at work. Lazy in the relationship. Lazy when it comes to parenting. I don't blame you for not "liking" him, even though you guys are married. He only seems to be doing what he feels like doing. Kind of self centered and inconsiderate. I mean, I do understand that we only get to read your side of the story, and maybe he would explain his situation in a different way and/or give reasons as to why he acts the way he acts. Still......I personally wouldn't be happy or content if I felt the way you feel about your H. Not a chance. I mean, that's basically all I can say. He obviously won't change, hasn't changed in - how many years? What are you waiting for?

[SJS]

Yup...and people like you can't help but keep responding to my sorry ass questions just to tell me what a sorry-ass person I am. Thanks!

Woe is me, poor Mapper. Do nothing, it gets the best results!

[Rejected Rosebud]

Yeah I know. I'm ALL kinds of messed up!! About to have a totally nervous breakdown myself! Can't wait!!!

I didn't say you are messed up, I said you obviously can't stand your husband, if you are wanting to have a better relationship with him that includes a nice sex life you probably have to go to marriage counseling and also be willing to take a look at yourself and your part in it all and be willing to do your own part to help it get better. It just sounds like you are completely miserable with him and I am sorry but he probably feels about the same way that you do. I really feel bad that you feel you are about to have a nervous breakdown maybe you should go talk to someone?