SawtoothMars Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Nope. I can log onto his work website and see his paychecks, log in and log out times and for the past two weeks he's bee putting in daily on his timesheet "Leave Without Pay". How long can he continue to do that before they let him go? I'm going to be seriou Mapper... this behavior makes zero sense to me as a guy. It screams deep depression. Did something happen at work to cause this? How do you plan to get him to open up? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Share Posted March 16, 2015 Woe is me, poor Mapper. Do nothing, it gets the best results! Sniff sniff. Thanks...I really appreciate you caring so much! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Mapper: Sure you've been asked this before but: - no sex - doesn't work (consistently) - won't talk to you - won't get help, either physical or mental Why stay with someone like that? Surely there must be a better situation out there for you... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Share Posted March 16, 2015 How long can he continue to do that before they let him go? I'm going to be seriou Mapper... this behavior makes zero sense to me as a guy. It screams deep depression. Did something happen at work to cause this? How do you plan to get him to open up? No nothing happened at work that wasn't good. He got on 2nd shift, which is what he wanted. He came home every night raving about how awesome his work area is and his co workers are so laid back. He tells me what a great life and happy home we have so he is far from depressed. Oh he's been doing this for about 4 years now...taking off work for days/weeks at a time, getting doctor's notes to cover him when he lies to the doctor about his back or neck issues. He even says he thinks the doctor knows what's up but just gives him the notes anyways. He turned off his FMLA back in September and went to work every day for 3 months straight. He turned it back on in January because one morning he didn't feel like going in so he had to go to the doctor and see him for his "illness" and get it turned back on. Kiss of death because, even though it only allows for 4 days a month, he somehow manages 2 weeks a month without consequence. He lies to his manager about his health issues and then probably gets pity from him at work. Obviously he isn't going to have a civil conversation with me about his issues. It's always him joking about it and making light of it and sweeping it under the rug and changing the subject to "what do you want for dinner?" or "We have the best kittens, don't we?". That infuriates me and when I get angry about it and push him to talk to me like a married couple should, he goes ballistic and somehow I'm to blame. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Oh he's been doing this for about 4 years now...taking off work for days/weeks at a time, getting doctor's notes to cover him when he lies to the doctor about his back or neck issues. Obviously he isn't going to have a civil conversation with me about his issues. So...why do you allow this to go on for as long as it has? If he isn't going to change, then why stay married to him? I'm surprised his boss hasn't fired him. I'm surprised you've put up with this behavior and attitude from your husband for the past 4 years. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Oh he's been doing this for about 4 years now...taking off work for days/weeks at a time, getting doctor's notes to cover him when he lies to the doctor about his back or neck issues. Obviously he isn't going to have a civil conversation with me about his issues. It's always him joking about it and making light of it and sweeping it under the rug and changing the subject to "what do you want for dinner?" or "We have the best kittens, don't we?". That infuriates me and when I get angry about it and push him to talk to me like a married couple should, he goes ballistic and somehow I'm to blame. Seriously Mapper.... your husband is off the charts weird. What does he do with this time off? Also... have you tried using the nuclear option with him? Link to post Share on other sites
SJS Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Obviously he isn't going to have a civil conversation with me about his issues. It's always him joking about it and making light of it and sweeping it under the rug and changing the subject to "what do you want for dinner?" or "We have the best kittens, don't we?". That infuriates me and when I get angry about it and push him to talk to me like a married couple should, he goes ballistic and somehow I'm to blame. And here is the "but but but"... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 He doesn't want to talk to you about it like a reasonable adult? Fine. Explain to him he has two options. 1) Talk about it openly and honestly with you and later with a professional, if needed, and stop taking un-paid FMLA time off of work for no reason or 2) Talk about it at length with a divorce lawyer. If he refuses to make any changes, call a lawyer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Share Posted March 16, 2015 And here is the "but but but"... But, but...but Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Share Posted March 16, 2015 Seriously Mapper.... your husband is off the charts weird. What does he do with this time off? Also... have you tried using the nuclear option with him? A bunch of nothing. Sits at home and plays video games, takes a nap, eats, drinks, watches movies. He very even rarely will go out to the curb and get the mail but that requires leaving the house and takes effort! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Share Posted March 16, 2015 So...why do you allow this to go on for as long as it has? If he isn't going to change, then why stay married to him? I'm surprised his boss hasn't fired him. I'm surprised you've put up with this behavior and attitude from your husband for the past 4 years. Because I'm a doormat and don't like to rock the boat. I could be married to a serial killer and go "Well he isn't THAT bad" and stay with him! Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 You still haven't responded to what it is you're seeking from us on here? What answers will satisfy you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Share Posted March 16, 2015 You still haven't responded to what it is you're seeking from us on here? What answers will satisfy you? Nothing really...just venting. Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Because I'm a doormat and don't like to rock the boat. I could be married to a serial killer and go "Well he isn't THAT bad" and stay with him! Well at least you're honest. As I said before, your H is a lazy bum. Lazy in all aspects of his life. He just doesn't make an effort whatsoever. Job, family, daughter, wife, ....... No effort. And maybe, just maybe, you're just as lazy? Stuck in a situation like that, and all you do is "vent". You're too lazy to rock the boat and to make a change. Maybe that's what connects you. Two peas in a pod, and instead of being proactive yourselves, about ANYTHING - you guys just complain and blame one another. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Nothing really...just venting. So we're all just spinning our wheels offering you advice that's falling on deaf ears? You might want to start your posts from now on with JUST VENTING so we know how much time to invest in helping you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 No nothing happened at work that wasn't good. He got on 2nd shift, which is what he wanted. He came home every night raving about how awesome his work area is and his co workers are so laid back. He tells me what a great life and happy home we have so he is far from depressed. Oh he's been doing this for about 4 years now...taking off work for days/weeks at a time, getting doctor's notes to cover him when he lies to the doctor about his back or neck issues. He even says he thinks the doctor knows what's up but just gives him the notes anyways. He turned off his FMLA back in September and went to work every day for 3 months straight. He turned it back on in January because one morning he didn't feel like going in so he had to go to the doctor and see him for his "illness" and get it turned back on. Kiss of death because, even though it only allows for 4 days a month, he somehow manages 2 weeks a month without consequence. He lies to his manager about his health issues and then probably gets pity from him at work. Obviously he isn't going to have a civil conversation with me about his issues. It's always him joking about it and making light of it and sweeping it under the rug and changing the subject to "what do you want for dinner?" or "We have the best kittens, don't we?". That infuriates me and when I get angry about it and push him to talk to me like a married couple should, he goes ballistic and somehow I'm to blame. I don't think you're to blame, Mapper, but at the same time I don't know why you put up with your husband's poor behavior. How can you even respect your husband when he abuses the FMLA and uses that time to play video games and then disrespects you when you try to help him build shelves? You are describing the behavior of a very immature 21 year-old, not that of a man that is 47. Nothing about your relationship is going to change unless you make some changes yourself. Your husband has it made...he can be a young kid all the while being fully supported by a wife that accepts whatever he dishes out. I know you're just venting, but without some personal growth on your part, your marriage is going to remain stagnant or get worse. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TunaCat Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Mapper you have GOT to stop being a doormat. This is no way to live. This is not a good marriage. Come on, wake up and smell the coffee. Your husband has no reason to make changes because he gets to do whatever the hell he wants because you don't demand better for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 So we're all just spinning our wheels offering you advice that's falling on deaf ears? You might want to start your posts from now on with JUST VENTING so we know how much time to invest in helping you. I agree with Michelle. You've let this behavior from your husband continue for 4 years and have done nothing to change your situation. Seeking advice and venting are two very different actions. People have offered you sound advice here. Link to post Share on other sites
Clockwork Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 As a man I can answer with confidence that it is probably either stress or depression. I had the first one, and it lasted 4 months. Just the stress of life got to me and the idea of sex or even masturbation wasn't there. I tried, but it was all in my head. I was single then, but still. Get him to talk to his doctor. Because the only other option is that he's having an affair. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 So we're all just spinning our wheels offering you advice that's falling on deaf ears? You might want to start your posts from now on with JUST VENTING so we know how much time to invest in helping you. The trick is to stop responding to Mapper; all she does is "vent" about her Chatty co-worker, her stepdaughter, and her husband. She is an admitted doormat who - in all the time she has been on LS - had never changed ANYTHING in her life to make it better. My Dad would have called it the "perpetual whiner syndrome." As long as we continue to acknowledge her problems, the longer she will suck at our bandwidth of advice without any reciprocation. It is simple: Just Stop. Because I don't think she will ever change. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Share Posted March 16, 2015 The trick is to stop responding to Mapper; all she does is "vent" about her Chatty co-worker, her stepdaughter, and her husband. She is an admitted doormat who - in all the time she has been on LS - had never changed ANYTHING in her life to make it better. My Dad would have called it the "perpetual whiner syndrome." As long as we continue to acknowledge her problems, the longer she will suck at our bandwidth of advice without any reciprocation. It is simple: Just Stop. Because I don't think she will ever change. Thank you! Some of you are very wise. This is EXACTLY what I have been saying to the people who complain about me and my life. PLEASE stop responding! Stop acknowledging me! All I'm doing is venting. I'm glad someone FINALLY caught on! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Maybe it would be better to go in a closet and vent because here people think you need and want help. Obviously you don't. Maybe when you start threads you could write "PLEASE NO ONE RESPOND, THIS IS JUST A VENT". Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Share Posted March 16, 2015 Maybe it would be better to go in a closet and vent because here people think you need and want help. Obviously you don't. Maybe when you start threads you could write "PLEASE NO ONE RESPOND, THIS IS JUST A VENT". Will do! Already got that advice from someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 There's also a Personal Rants and Confessions section. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 There's also a Personal Rants and Confessions section. Excellent suggestion: Mapper, please start using that section as the newbies won't know to not respond to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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