kenmore Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 I'm sure this has been asked before, but I want a fresh start to the thread. After my wife and I physically separated, I continued wearing my ring. After all, I was still married, and I wanted it to work out with her. Finally, after eight months, it became crystal clear at our fifth anniversary that we were never going to work it out. I stopped wearing my ring and it has been a month without it. Our divorce papers are in and it's the long waiting game now. I'm expecting it to be final around June. So, still technically married. Every time I wash my hands I'm reminded that it's missing. I was so used to it, it's just missing. I am not having different thoughts about our marriage, it's over and that's that, but as I said I'm still married. I have no idea how long it will be before I am married again. I'm debating wearing it again. In fact, I think I just decided I will today. I'm not sure how to feel about that. Part of me is ready to be free but not wearing a ring does not make me so. Part of me needs to be reminded that I am technically still married and must act so. Part of me just misses the feeling of it. Have any of you struggled with this and if so, how do you feel about it? I know it's a stupid thing to care about, but somehow it is making itself important in my mind. Ken 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Buy yourself a new ring so your finger no longer feels naked. You can sell your wedding band to pay for it. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Majormisstep Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 It took a while before I got used to the "bare" feeling. What I still am not used to is the status of said bare finger, or more specifically that I am alone. Ughh. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 I think that wearing the ring again only serves to keep you bogged down in denial and keeps you linked to the past. I think that 8 months is plenty long enough that you don't need to be wearing the ring again. Try to take a good look at your motives for wearing the ring, and ask yourself if those motives are helping you step forward or keeping you linked to the past. We all move on at different rates, but, sometimes, if it's been long enough, you just have to make yourself take some steps forward. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
81West Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 I have never had to struggle with this issue but it doesn't strike me as a productive or necessary move. I think an examination of the feelings and motives might be a more meaningful and useful exercise. What about a more transitional approach if you're feeling the need to reconnect with that concrete symbol of your marriage in this phase? Perhaps rather than wearing the ring you could put it on your key ring or something. That way it is there if you feel the need to see or hold it, but not on your finger where it implies a meaning that has sadly evolved away in your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 I wore my ring for the first few weeks of our separation, but stopped at the new year, fresh start and all that. It still feels strange, but wearing it would actually be worse for me, as it would be a constant reminder of what I've lost. It's up to you, but I think it would be healthy for you to put it in a drawer and get used to not wearing it, honestly. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Related story: The night before DDay, my wife and I attended a party. As we were getting into the car, she realized she'd left her wedding rings on the dresser and asked me to run back and get them. The next morning she dropped the bomb, which I now know she'd decided already the night before. So my ring also reminds me of our last moments together, which makes my feelings a little different on the subject. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Wearing my ring Chick magnet IIRC, I took mine off prior to our D being final, about the time exW's new boyfriend started living with her. It also coincided with my brief sojourn into dating as a separated guy, though we had already filed our D a few months prior. Once in awhile I still wear a diamond ring I own, not a wedding ring, on my ring finger just to see how it works when flirting with ladies. Still works pretty good. Safe 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 ken take it off. 1st chance you get-go and sell it gold has a great value atm-even scrap gold 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 It took a while before I got used to the "bare" feeling. What I still am not used to is the status of said bare finger, or more specifically that I am alone. Ughh. i m the opposite took me ages to get used to the feeling of a ring there!! now its off and i dont miss it one bit even the sun has got rid of the white tide at last Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 People choose to do all different sorts of things about the ring situation. I took mine off when I knew we were getting a divorce. When I got close to the "pseudo-acceptance" stage (mentally speaking, in other words, I knew there was no going back), I returned it to him in the mail. Something was cleansing about that, sticking it down with a piece of packing tape onto a sheet of blank copy paper, and tossing it into the mailbox. Done and done. Well, that worked for me. Yas 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kenmore Posted March 16, 2015 Author Share Posted March 16, 2015 Thank you all for your opinions and stories. I wore it today and though it did make my hand feel more balanced since I am used to it, it was not a great idea. Almost as if wearing it was a trigger, my wife and I got into another argument. It all began last night when my daughter had sent her daughter a gift box (they were step sisters for awhile, and my daughter thought it would be a nice gesture to let hers know she was not alone, but that her "sister" still cared.) And it was. My wife wanted me to thank my daughter and I said no, that's your daughter's place. She agreed and said she would, but the thanks she wanted to send was from her and she felt awkward, and I again said no, you should say it. This started the communication. No real issue, apparently she called her, thanked her, they had a little conversation and all's well that ends well...except I have been having this business idea about her mother's money and thought that since we spoke last night, now is the best time to spring it. Now that I'm in the industry and knowing her mother's situation in the detail that I do, I am in a unique position to make something happen that most people would never have noticed, and is guaranteed to make them lots of money (guaranteed by the state.) I emailed the gist to her and asked her to talk it over with her mother at lunch. Long story short, even though it's a great plan and would make their family many, many thousands of dollars, they don't want to do it because it's my idea...in other words, my wife won't let it happen because she's angry at me. In other, other words, I'm sure they never discussed it because she decided for everyone. So, I emailed everyone else and told them they should do this. There will be Hell to pay for that! And this is all because I wore that ring lol. It's evil! It's Sauron's ring and must be destroyed! So, it's back in the bag where I got it from this morning. It's not worth selling, it only has sentimental value. I now live near a canyon, think I'll throw it over the edge someday soon. Ken 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Buy yourself a ring. Why not? You're used to something being on that finger. Just for the time being and that way wearing a ring doesn't signify the marriage to your wife, there's nothing to it except that you're wearing a ring. Can be a silver one or something different, plus less expensive. Just a thought to consider. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hardgrind Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 I took off my ring the day we began our separation back in July. By wearing it I felt like I was complicit in all the deception and lies that my WW was engaged in with her affair. I put it in a zippered pouch in one of my bags and haven't touched it since. I am not sure what I will do with it once the divorce is finalized. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Long story short, even though it's a great plan and would make their family many, many thousands of dollars, they don't want to do it because it's my idea...in other words, my wife won't let it happen because she's angry at me. In other, other words, I'm sure they never discussed it because she decided for everyone. The whole idea sounds like a mistake, simply because it's an intertwinement of something you need to separate. Use your financial ideas elsewhere. I now live near a canyon, think I'll throw it over the edge someday soon. I'm hoping you mean the ring and not the STBX wife ... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Have any of you struggled with this and if so, how do you feel about it? I know it's a stupid thing to care about, but somehow it is making itself important in my mind. it's not stupid at all. i didn't take off my wedding ring until almost 5 months after our separation... i just couldn't. i gave the ring to my best friend & asked her to sell it, she did. eventually, i got used to the "bare" feeling and forgot about it with time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
compulsivedancer Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 I took off my ring the first week.. He hasn't worn his in years. But after 5 months, I still have the indents in my finger. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Dark Passenger Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 I couldn't get that ring off fast enough 3 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 I couldn't get that ring off fast enough i remember reading your story - did you separate & divorce from your spouse? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Breezee Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 *Sigh* I know how you feel. H took his off after two months and I followed about a month later. It's only been a few weeks and it feels so empty. I'm so sad, but putting it back on (for me) feels like a lie and it won't it'll make moving forward more difficult. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kenmore Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 The whole idea sounds like a mistake, simply because it's an intertwinement of something you need to separate. Use your financial ideas elsewhere. I am only doing it for her siblings whom I grew to care about after seven years. Even now, though, I have a limited amount of patience regarding it all. I don't stand to make much money; some yes, but not a lot. They do and if I didn't put forth the effort to let them know, I'd have to live with that. That said, I won't push it. It's their future and if they would rather be lazy and go with status quo, that's their thing. I'm hoping you mean the ring and not the STBX wife ... Mr. Lucky Don't give me any ideas! Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Hi Ken this is something else we have in common, I have tried not wearing my wedding ring but it makes me feel odd without it, I have tried wearing it on another finger but it doesn't fit any where correctly it fits perfectly on my wedding ring finger which is where it is to this day, I have thought about putting it in my safe but something is stopping me, I cant sell it as it is partly made up with my grandmothers wedding ring so it has family history wrapped up in it, I think about it every day as I don't really know what I should be doing with it, but as with you I'm married and it is my right to wear my wedding ring, I am proud of it as I was proud of my wife and our marriage, yet in a way I also feel as though I'm living a lie by wearing it maybe its wishfull thinking maybe even it gives me hope, maybe I see it as a lucky ring as we had such a happy marriage for 17 years and we will be married 18 years this June, perhaps im just deluding myself by wearing it but I just cant bring myself to take it off, I have done and I didn't like it so I think in time I will know what to do but that will only be when I feel ready, interesting point though as this very topic has been on my mind almost daily just recently. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
outthewindow Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 I took mine off about two weeks after he moved out... I found that it didn't mean what it was supposed to any more. For me, a wedding ring means forever, he obviously didn't see it that way so I took it off. It took a few weeks to get used to not having it, and 3 months later I still occasionally go to flick it with my thumb and it's not there, but then again, I tried putting it on a couple of days before our Dday and it just felt wrong... So it went back in the draw again. I don't plan on selling mine. It still means something to me, even if it's just a momento now I plan on keeping it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kenmore Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 It's all kind of ironic. After we first separated, I'd say about three weeks later, we went out to lunch to talk. I had taken my ring off not many days before and while I thought I should wear it to this lunch, I forgot. While driving back, my wife mentioned (while talking about any possible future) that she is still wearing her ring, then she looked at my hand and noticed I was not. She "jokingly" pulled the car over and said "get out", though she did not really stop, and laughed. A joke, right? I started re-wearing it after I got home because at the time I had hope and it seemed to mean a lot to her. The irony is that she is the one who got harder about "us" and probably stopped wearing her ring first; I'm thinking September. I took mine off after a final blow which made me realize there is no "us" anymore, last month. Ralfgarnett, you are right. Wear it until that time you feel it's appropriate not to, and I hope for you that time never comes! Wearing it the other day felt normal, and I would not say it felt like a lie particularly, it did not feel like anything because it feels normal. I did stop again when I got home though, because I know on a conscious level that we are through and I may as well really start feeling and acting that way. I am ready to be free and start a new life with someone. I did remember something I had brought up in this forum months ago while on my walk today though, and that is that she has "dissolution in the alternative" listed in her petition. I did not file for dissolution at all. I wonder how that is going to play out or if it will. It may be that after waiting for six months to be divorced, the court may decide not to grant it because the "alternative" has been fulfilled. If that happens, we have to start all over again. New filing fees, new petition and response, new agreement. whew! I don't know how I would react to that! Ken Link to post Share on other sites
Dark Passenger Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 i remember reading your story - did you separate & divorce from your spouse? Hi...yes we separated. The divorce part is taking a little longer. It was the right decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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