Wife cheated on me due to lack of romance. I'm filing a divorce, and cannot forgive.

[Pinklotus]

She went on three trips with him...she most definitely slept with him. Look up the signs of an affair...both decreased AND increased sexual interest at home can be signs. She was likely very turned on by him and it carried over to you when he wasn't around. Sorry.

 

It does sound like you need to take some time for yourself. Don't jump into another relationship. You're 29 years old and you've been living with your mom. It's time to be independent, both financially and emotionally. Stop blaming everything on the weather in Wisconsin and your families! It sounds like you both failed each other. Yes, she was wrong to cheat, and you were wrong to engage in an EA.

 

If you really want out, fine, you're definitely entitled. Get divorced, focus on your career and working on yourself. Then look around for someone else.

 

Good luck.

[truncated]

A question and observations ( if you have already answered the questions I apologize for asking them again).

 

First, when did you start this friendly communication with this woman from Australia? Before or after your wife cheated? I'm asking because if it was before, then really think about that. If you feel this friendship is strong enough and could form the basis of a romance and you're willing to travel around the world to be with her just on the off chance it could work out, that is not a friendship.

 

I'm not saying that because you deserve to have your wife cheat on you ( no one does) but because if you started this online relationship before your wife cheated, that is the final nail in the coffin of your marriage.

 

Secondly, I live north of you in a place where we regularly get over a meter of snow a year ( looking out the window at the over two meters that's out there right now) and my husband's career means we have to move every couple of years and start over while having to follow some unwritten rules about who he can be friends with outside of work, which makes socializing difficult. We don't cheat. Many people live under similar circumstances and don't cheat. that is not an excuse for your wife cheating, nor for you looking for an outside on line relationship with another woman.

 

 

In my opinion, you should end your marriage and give yourself some time to recover before you do anything radical. Give yourself some time to face what has happened and heal from it before you run off to a whole different culture and a woman who may well cheat on you too ( she is in an emotional affair with you even though she is in a relationship with another guy...think about that)

Edited March 19, 2015 by truncated

[sidney2718]

Mr. Cube:

 

This is one of the most strange situations I've ever read about here. You've contradicted yourself all over the place. You say that you have no family in Wisconsin, yet your mother lives with you. You say that her family ignores you, and yet they are burning up your phone to find out what is going on. You say that there is no social life in Wisconsin and yet you are going to school? I've never heard of a school in which the students totally ignore each other.

 

More: First you said that your wife took off for Florida with the other man. Then you say that you and your mother agree that she hasn't slept with him. Of course, nobody here believes that. And then you say that she has family in Florida. Did she stay with her family while she was in Florida and that's why you know she didn't cheat?

 

Who is supporting your mother? In fact, who is supporting you if you are a student?

 

By the way, is the other man married? And where did your wife meet him if there is no social life in Wisconsin?

 

And why are you in Wisconsin in the first place?

 

And then there is your attitude. You act as if your wife ruined your marriage by running off with a man she didn't have sex with. So what seems to bother you is that she went to Florida and you didn't!

 

From what you wrote I'd have expected that she'd want a divorce. But she doesn't seem to want that. She says she wants to stay married to you.

 

Could it be that there is nothing sexually romantic going on between your wife and the other man? When at home in Wisconsin did your wife spend time on the phone with the OM? How did they decide to coordinate their Florida plans?

 

And all this is going on while you are conducting an emotional affair with another woman during your entire marriage?

 

There are too many questions here. But one thing seems certain. You are a very angry man and that's not good. You probably need to see a counselor to help you with the issues you have. I'd suggest that you do that first.

 

And try to figure out what really upsets you and why.

[JoshCube]

JoshCube,

 

You say that there was a disrespect since day one. So why did you marry her?

 

The state of your M takes 2 people. Your W made you aware on 3 different occasions that the sex life was stale and she needed more. This conversation should have happened only once and as a H who at that time may have wanted to save his M would have attempted to try and remedy this.

 

You know years back I had the same conversation with my own H. I remember posting here how he dried up and I was wet and ready to go. I spent a long time frustrated and arguing with him over this. Then years later he cheated on me! It was of course hurtful. If anything I think anyone would have thought it would have been me to make that move. I was shocked.

 

I can't say the thoughts didn't cross my mind, but then I thought about my family, my H and all of the things we have gone though together in this lifetime. I never wanted to put them and myself at risk ever. But it is a lonely and hurtful feeling when your own H doesn't desire you.

 

We managed to stay together and work things out. 2 and a half years later we are doing much better. But it wasn't easy and there were a lot of tears and we still are a work in progress.

 

So for your W to feel like she had to take that leap into another man's bed is telling. By no means is she right. But you need to acknowledge your part in all of this too.

 

When a M goes south it is usually both parties that need to try and fix it.

 

I am sorry that you are hurt by this. I hope everything works itself out. IC may help you. Good Luck

 

I did not know she was badmouthing me to her family all these years. The mother has bi-polar, and we thought the mother was just causing trouble. When the other family members started coming against me, that's when we realized it was my wife causing all this trouble.

 

By the way, my wife sleeping with another man is no excuse to her feeling emotionally ignored in our marriage, because that's what communication is for. She failed to communicate, and just wanted to **** another man because she felt like it, so I'm giving her the D.

[JoshCube]

Man, sounds like there was seriously something wrong with her...

Meh, maybe not in hell. But "burn in the fires you created yourself" maybe.

 

Actually, there is a Linkin Park song called Burn It Down where the lyrics talk about a cheating partner. That line you spoke of is actually similar in the song where they say "When you fall, I'll take my turn, and fan the flames as your blazes burn", meaning cheating will not be forgiven. Its a great song.

[JoshCube]

I can understand why you want her to burn. Would you say, due to your emotional affair, that you should as well? because you have cheated too.

 

She cheated because she checked my Face Book, and knew I was chatting to the girl in Australia. However, I find it completely insane for a woman to overstep her marriage boundaries into adultery just because her man is chatting to a woman in another country. I'm not buying that as an excuse at all. If that was the case, I should lock myself up in my basement away from the female sex at all costs.

[JoshCube]

Well, Josh, guys who respect their wives don't post on yahoo looking for someone else.

 

"I made a random post on Yahoo Answers around May of last year saying I wanted a woman that had traits like Princess Zelda, and this woman from Australia saw the post, and thought it was cute (she's heavily into fantasy stuff). We exchanged e-mails, and became friends. Our e-mails were in long paragraphs at this time."

 

 

May of 2014. I'm not going to get into who did what first, but you claim to have fallen in love with this girl.

 

I don't see the problem. Get the divorce rolling and get it over with. I think a little honesty in your first post would have netted a lot less sympathy and more straightforward advice.

 

I didn't have sex with the woman.

 

Also, she just recently admitted to having sex with the guy. Guess who it was? Her stepfather. My divorce date is on the 28th of this month.

 

If she's going to ruin a 7 year marriage by committing adultery due to her husband chatting with a woman in another country, then she is a fool. She brought this on herself, and I'm not going to sit here and take the blame over her pathetic insecurities.

[JoshCube]

She went on three trips with him...she most definitely slept with him. Look up the signs of an affair...both decreased AND increased sexual interest at home can be signs. She was likely very turned on by him and it carried over to you when he wasn't around. Sorry.

 

It does sound like you need to take some time for yourself. Don't jump into another relationship. You're 29 years old and you've been living with your mom. It's time to be independent, both financially and emotionally. Stop blaming everything on the weather in Wisconsin and your families! It sounds like you both failed each other. Yes, she was wrong to cheat, and you were wrong to engage in an EA.

 

If you really want out, fine, you're definitely entitled. Get divorced, focus on your career and working on yourself. Then look around for someone else.

 

Good luck.

 

She just recently confessed over the phone that she slept with her stepfather, and I have written e-mails from her as proof as well. The problem is, Wisconsin does not recognize infidelity when a person files divorce, but I'm not worried since my attorney says she will not gain any financial benefits from me since she was financially supporting me this whole time, plus we've only been married for 2 years.

 

Part of the reason why she slept with him is because we would role play in bed all these years as stepfather and stepdaughter. We did this because in public, people would mistake me as her father, and her as my daughter. Psychologically, this created a fetish in our minds. After she found out about my online relationship, she took our fetish to reality, and actually slept with the stepfather, wow.

 

What is an "EA"?

[JoshCube]

A question and observations ( if you have already answered the questions I apologize for asking them again).

 

First, when did you start this friendly communication with this woman from Australia? Before or after your wife cheated? I'm asking because if it was before, then really think about that. If you feel this friendship is strong enough and could form the basis of a romance and you're willing to travel around the world to be with her just on the off chance it could work out, that is not a friendship.

 

I'm not saying that because you deserve to have your wife cheat on you ( no one does) but because if you started this online relationship before your wife cheated, that is the final nail in the coffin of your marriage.

 

Secondly, I live north of you in a place where we regularly get over a meter of snow a year ( looking out the window at the over two meters that's out there right now) and my husband's career means we have to move every couple of years and start over while having to follow some unwritten rules about who he can be friends with outside of work, which makes socializing difficult. We don't cheat. Many people live under similar circumstances and don't cheat. that is not an excuse for your wife cheating, nor for you looking for an outside on line relationship with another woman.

 

 

In my opinion, you should end your marriage and give yourself some time to recover before you do anything radical. Give yourself some time to face what has happened and heal from it before you run off to a whole different culture and a woman who may well cheat on you too ( she is in an emotional affair with you even though she is in a relationship with another guy...think about that)

 

I started talking to the girl in Australia before she went on these trips, there ya go.

 

I did not have sex with the woman in Australia. She had sex with her stepfather in Florida. Now, you think about that one for a bit. In the United States, the courts recognize infidelity as sexual intercourse. They do not recognize verbal communication, sorry.

[JoshCube]

Mr. Cube:

 

This is one of the most strange situations I've ever read about here. You've contradicted yourself all over the place. You say that you have no family in Wisconsin, yet your mother lives with you. You say that her family ignores you, and yet they are burning up your phone to find out what is going on. You say that there is no social life in Wisconsin and yet you are going to school? I've never heard of a school in which the students totally ignore each other.

 

More: First you said that your wife took off for Florida with the other man. Then you say that you and your mother agree that she hasn't slept with him. Of course, nobody here believes that. And then you say that she has family in Florida. Did she stay with her family while she was in Florida and that's why you know she didn't cheat?

 

Who is supporting your mother? In fact, who is supporting you if you are a student?

 

By the way, is the other man married? And where did your wife meet him if there is no social life in Wisconsin?

 

And why are you in Wisconsin in the first place?

 

And then there is your attitude. You act as if your wife ruined your marriage by running off with a man she didn't have sex with. So what seems to bother you is that she went to Florida and you didn't!

 

From what you wrote I'd have expected that she'd want a divorce. But she doesn't seem to want that. She says she wants to stay married to you.

 

Could it be that there is nothing sexually romantic going on between your wife and the other man? When at home in Wisconsin did your wife spend time on the phone with the OM? How did they decide to coordinate their Florida plans?

 

And all this is going on while you are conducting an emotional affair with another woman during your entire marriage?

 

There are too many questions here. But one thing seems certain. You are a very angry man and that's not good. You probably need to see a counselor to help you with the issues you have. I'd suggest that you do that first.

 

And try to figure out what really upsets you and why.

 

My mother is my only family member here.

 

Her family are idiots. They all have a medical history of bi-polar, and should be put on Shutter Island.

 

If you come to any college or university in Wisconsin, the students do not get together and have fun. I have lived here for 7 years, and have observed that this is the most anti-social place I've ever seen. If you want, send me a private message if you want to see an article about Wisconsin which explains why this place is so horrifying to where you can't make friends here. Any state that snows 8 months a year causes people to want to stay in doors most of the time, and not want to socialize.

[I_Give_Up67]

She just recently confessed over the phone that she slept with her stepfather, and I have written e-mails from her as proof as well. The problem is, Wisconsin does not recognize infidelity when a person files divorce, but I'm not worried since my attorney says she will not gain any financial benefits from me since she was financially supporting me this whole time, plus we've only been married for 2 years.

 

Part of the reason why she slept with him is because we would role play in bed all these years as stepfather and stepdaughter. We did this because in public, people would mistake me as her father, and her as my daughter. Psychologically, this created a fetish in our minds. After she found out about my online relationship, she took our fetish to reality, and actually slept with the stepfather, wow.

 

What is an "EA"?[/QUOTE]

 

 

 

EA = Emotional Affair

 

 

 

 

This all sounds kind of twisted, but don't walk... run away as fast as you can from this WW (wayward wife). Although you were wrong for that online relationship as well.

[Hope Shimmers]

If you come to any college or university in Wisconsin, the students do not get together and have fun.

 

Madison, Wisconsin (UW) is well known to be one of the biggest party colleges in the US.

[I_Give_Up67]

Madison, Wisconsin (UW) is well known to be one of the biggest party colleges in the US.

 

^^^^ Very true^^^^

 

 

I used to party on that campus every weekend in the middle 80's while I attended school in Madison. Not only Madison, but all of the other satellite campuses throughout the state were known for wild parties too.

[Hope Shimmers]

^^^^ Very true^^^^

 

 

I used to party on that campus every weekend in the middle 80's while I attended school in Madison. Not only Madison, but all of the other satellite campuses throughout the state were known for wild parties too.

 

And I (and friends) as a University of Iowa Hawkeye student used to travel your way in the 80s to party during the U of I/UW football games

[JoshCube]

Madison, Wisconsin (UW) is well known to be one of the biggest party colleges in the US.

 

Out of the entire 7 years I've lived and went to school in Madison Wisconsin, I have never ever overheard a conversation of people talking about going to parties at all.

 

The party life in Madison is pretty much random. Like an event will come up, and people will party, but they don't know each other, or exchange numbers. Every single person I've spoken to that has moved up here from the south has said the same exact thing I've said. I really don't understand the social life up here, and its very weird and awkward.

 

Every single "party" or "event" that I've been to up here consists of complete strangers that don't know each other, don't exchange numbers, and then head home for the day. I am from the south, and I'm not used to mid-western party life if this is actually how the culture works up here.

[I_Give_Up67]

And I (and friends) as a University of Iowa Hawkeye student used to travel your way in the 80s to party during the U of I/UW football games

 

Wow I've never had as much fun in my life since those old party days! We would literally hop from house to house not knowing any of these people, and they would welcome us in to drink with them.

 

 

You and I may have crossed paths during one of those games back then.

 

 

Ah the good ole days....

[Hope Shimmers]

Wow I've never had as much fun in my life since those old party days! We would literally hop from house to house not knowing any of these people, and they would welcome us in to drink with them.

 

 

You and I may have crossed paths during one of those games back then.

 

 

Ah the good ole days....

 

Ha! We used to beat you guys' butts in football in those days. Sometimes anyway Things have changed a bit. Although some of those days are a blur...

 

If you are a basketball fan I'm sure you loved the game last night.

 

OP, I hear what you are saying about socializing, but having spent many years at a large university myself, you do have to break it down in terms of making your own social circle. There are endless opportunities to do so, but you have to get out there and join clubs, engage with people in your classes, etc.

 

The socializing is a little off topic so sorry about that. I did read your thread and honestly? You listed a Yahoo ad asking for a woman? I get that you didn't have sex, but women really don't see it that way. Something to keep in mind.

[I_Give_Up67]

OP- my apologies too for a bit of hijacking of your thread.

 

My intention was to show that there are plenty of social activities around the state of Wisconsin. Of course I grew up and lived there until the early 90's. so I had a bit of inside information on the local culture and traditions. But no matter where I went inside the state I never had any issues socializing with the people there. Even in the most isolated places in northern WI, the people were always welcoming.

 

Good luck to you, where ever you decide to settle!

[JoshCube]

Ha! We used to beat you guys' butts in football in those days. Sometimes anyway Things have changed a bit. Although some of those days are a blur...

 

If you are a basketball fan I'm sure you loved the game last night.

 

OP, I hear what you are saying about socializing, but having spent many years at a large university myself, you do have to break it down in terms of making your own social circle. There are endless opportunities to do so, but you have to get out there and join clubs, engage with people in your classes, etc.

 

The socializing is a little off topic so sorry about that. I did read your thread and honestly? You listed a Yahoo ad asking for a woman? I get that you didn't have sex, but women really don't see it that way. Something to keep in mind.

 

I'm not going to sit up here and deal with womens' insecurities of how they refuse to let their husbands communicate with the opposite sex. My wife has driven male friends home, you don't see me running outside to have sex with my neighbor next door. My wife has insecurity issues, and this is likely due to her not having any friends in her school years due to being in Special Ed.

[JoshCube]

OP- my apologies too for a bit of hijacking of your thread.

 

My intention was to show that there are plenty of social activities around the state of Wisconsin. Of course I grew up and lived there until the early 90's. so I had a bit of inside information on the local culture and traditions. But no matter where I went inside the state I never had any issues socializing with the people there. Even in the most isolated places in northern WI, the people were always welcoming.

 

Good luck to you, where ever you decide to settle!

 

I don't like the mid-western party culture. I just find it lame that people hang out at parties, and then don't exchange numbers to become friends. I also find it weird that people only want to be friends with people that are in clubs. I really hate the social culture here, which is why I wanted to move.

[I_Give_Up67]

I don't like the mid-western party culture. I just find it lame that people hang out at parties, and then don't exchange numbers to become friends. I also find it weird that people only want to be friends with people that are in clubs. I really hate the social culture here, which is why I wanted to move.

 

 

I will grant you that it is much easier when you socialize among coworkers, fellow students etc,.

 

Not to depress you but, it can be difficult to meet and find friends where ever you go now days. I am fortunate to have a career where I travel coast to coast here in the US, also occasionally Canada and Europe. In general I find that I really have to make an effort to meet and find real friends where ever I've been. My party days are well behind me so it is not as easy as it used to be. But if you have a hobby or an interest like hunting or fishing up in WI, it would have been much easier for you. Of course it's understandable if you are not into these types of activities.

 

I will also tell you that I feel your WW having an A in retaliation was wrong, even if your online relationship was also wrong. Her response showed an incredible lack of maturity on her part. The very least would have been to discuss the discovery with you and try to work on the M. Sounds to me like there is a lot more going on here, particularly with her. Who sleeps with their own step-father? Borders on incest, but that's for a different topic for another thread.

 

 

The main thing is for you to move on as soon as your D is finalize, and learn from your own mistakes in this outcome. I hope you will take the time you need and get your life together before moving into another relationship.

[road]

I started talking to the girl in Australia before she went on these trips, there ya go.

 

I did not have sex with the woman in Australia. She had sex with her stepfather in Florida. Now, you think about that one for a bit. In the United States, the courts recognize infidelity as sexual intercourse. They do not recognize verbal communication, sorry.

 

 

Sorry but you had an EA.

[MoreFire]

She disrespected you on so many levels and she s not only stupid for cheating on a nice man like you ,she even spent money on a man ! that's just dumb.

[NYWoman]

Post 83 "she was financially supporting me this whole time."

 

So what you are saying is that she earned the $2400 she spent on her trips.

And the money that you are saving up is the money she has earned?

 

You can't find a party in Wisconsin, because it snows 8 months a year?

When the Packers are in the state the Cheeseheads spend the whole day outside partying, and it doesn't matter if it is 10 below zero. And they have a waiting list of how many decades to get season tickets so you can join the party.

I have partied in both places, meaning Australia, I don't think you are tough enough. They like their men to carry their own weight. They dislike them even worse than the cane toads

 

 

And yes you had the first affair.

[10thengineerharrison]

In light of this posting, I tend to support the choice of a quick and expedient divorce and moving to Australia, or just moving and not bothering.

 

Does your wife know about the Australia chick?

 

-10th Engineer Harrison