Need to stop being crazy?

[tiff1234]

Some background: I've been dating my boyfriend since about November 2013 and everything has pretty much been going well. He ended up having to move in with me really early (July 2014?) due to his parents moving across the country and surprisingly that even worked out. About 2 months ago we decided to move in with his parents until we could get a job and move out on our own so we moved cross country together and our relationship has only improved. (He hated the state we originally lived in so it caused somewhat of a bad mood).

 

The problem: I've had anxiety issues my entire life and I'd been doing really well at controlling them the past year or so but now he has a job. His coworker is a real crappy worker but since she's a decently pretty girl, she gets away with it. She's also extremely flirty. I'm trying really hard to not worry about her just stealing him away or something. The only two serious relationships I had, they ended up getting with people they swore they didn't have feelings for before we broke up. To make matters worse, a little while back he suggested that eventually after we've been together for a long time and were both okay with it, he'd like to experiment with having a relationship where we could sleep with other people. I feel like he said that before he met her but now that's kind of put me on the edge, thinking I'm not enough for him. Our sex life seems really good minus the fact most of the time we have to make sure we're quiet because his parents. I'd say we average out at about 3 or 4 times a week give or take a time or two.

 

I don't want to bring up my worries to him because in all honesty, he hasn't done anything to really cause this. It's just my anxiety that's making me question him.

 

Anyone know anyway to get over this fear? I like to think that people only tend to cheat if it's something they've just always done or if the relationship is really lacking and at that point it's overly obvious, that people don't just fall in love with other people when they're content in their relationship and they haven't been serial cheaters in the past.

[road]

You are not being crazy.

 

 

Tell him that you are not willing to share him in that way and do not feel loved by him if he is willing to let another man bang you.

 

 

Then see what he has to say.

[ExpatInItaly]

Some background: I've been dating my boyfriend since about November 2013 and everything has pretty much been going well. He ended up having to move in with me really early (July 2014?) due to his parents moving across the country and surprisingly that even worked out. About 2 months ago we decided to move in with his parents until we could get a job and move out on our own so we moved cross country together and our relationship has only improved. (He hated the state we originally lived in so it caused somewhat of a bad mood).

 

The problem: I've had anxiety issues my entire life and I'd been doing really well at controlling them the past year or so but now he has a job. His coworker is a real crappy worker but since she's a decently pretty girl, she gets away with it. She's also extremely flirty. I'm trying really hard to not worry about her just stealing him away or something. The only two serious relationships I had, they ended up getting with people they swore they didn't have feelings for before we broke up. To make matters worse, a little while back he suggested that eventually after we've been together for a long time and were both okay with it, he'd like to experiment with having a relationship where we could sleep with other people. I feel like he said that before he met her but now that's kind of put me on the edge, thinking I'm not enough for him. Our sex life seems really good minus the fact most of the time we have to make sure we're quiet because his parents. I'd say we average out at about 3 or 4 times a week give or take a time or two.

 

I don't want to bring up my worries to him because in all honesty, he hasn't done anything to really cause this. It's just my anxiety that's making me question him.

 

Anyone know anyway to get over this fear? I like to think that people only tend to cheat if it's something they've just always done or if the relationship is really lacking and at that point it's overly obvious, that people don't just fall in love with other people when they're content in their relationship and they haven't been serial cheaters in the past.

 

OP, it's not just your anxiety causing this. His suggestion is a red flag. For some people, that type of relationship is fine. For you, it clearly isn't. Don't just chalk this one up to anxiety, because I think he's trying to tell you something here. He would like to experiment with an open relationship. How did you respond to that? If you're not ok with it, own it.

[tiff1234]

You are not being crazy.

 

 

Tell him that you are not willing to share him in that way and do not feel loved by him if he is willing to let another man bang you.

 

 

Then see what he has to say.

 

I have. He said that I didn't understand what he was saying, that he wouldn't like the idea of it but he said it something he would like to attempt in the future, with a set of rules and all. I'm not opposed to it in the far future when we've been together longer and I feel more secure in the relationship. I just worry that because he said that, that means he's really likely to cheat.

[tiff1234]

OP, it's not just your anxiety causing this. His suggestion is a red flag. For some people, that type of relationship is fine. For you, it clearly isn't. Don't just chalk this one up to anxiety, because I think he's trying to tell you something here. He would like to experiment with an open relationship. How did you respond to that? If you're not ok with it, own it.

 

I'm not opposed to it completely once I get to where I'm more secure. We decided that if we decide to do this, then it would be a few years from now and we'd have rules. I'm more worried that the suggestion means he'd be willing to cheat or that it wouldn't be hard for another girl to capture his attention.

[Redhead14]

Some background: I've been dating my boyfriend since about November 2013 and everything has pretty much been going well. He ended up having to move in with me really early (July 2014?) due to his parents moving across the country and surprisingly that even worked out. About 2 months ago we decided to move in with his parents until we could get a job and move out on our own so we moved cross country together and our relationship has only improved. (He hated the state we originally lived in so it caused somewhat of a bad mood).

 

The problem: I've had anxiety issues my entire life and I'd been doing really well at controlling them the past year or so but now he has a job. His coworker is a real crappy worker but since she's a decently pretty girl, she gets away with it. She's also extremely flirty. I'm trying really hard to not worry about her just stealing him away or something. The only two serious relationships I had, they ended up getting with people they swore they didn't have feelings for before we broke up. To make matters worse, a little while back he suggested that eventually after we've been together for a long time and were both okay with it, he'd like to experiment with having a relationship where we could sleep with other people. I feel like he said that before he met her but now that's kind of put me on the edge, thinking I'm not enough for him. Our sex life seems really good minus the fact most of the time we have to make sure we're quiet because his parents. I'd say we average out at about 3 or 4 times a week give or take a time or two.

 

I don't want to bring up my worries to him because in all honesty, he hasn't done anything to really cause this. It's just my anxiety that's making me question him.

 

Anyone know anyway to get over this fear? I like to think that people only tend to cheat if it's something they've just always done or if the relationship is really lacking and at that point it's overly obvious, that people don't just fall in love with other people when they're content in their relationship and they haven't been serial cheaters in the past.

 

Fear and anxiety are oftentimes two different things. For the most part, anxiety in a person is caused by internal factors and manufactured worries and concerns, insecurities that for the most part aren't real or as significant as the person believes.

 

Fear is based on external/real threats and sparked by a specific cause . . . in this case, he asked to change the dynamics of your relationship. Were you OK with it and agree to that? If so, you have a reason to think he may be sleeping with someone else. If you agreed to it but didn't really want that and just agreed because you didn't want to lose the relationship, then you need to address it with him. And, if you agreed to it, he is not cheating on you.

 

You need to get clear in your head about what you want for yourself, be clear with him about what you want and have a conversation with him about it. Simply state that you want an exclusive, committed, long-term relationship for yourself. Don't be specific about him. Then you let him talk. If he says he still wants an "open" relationship, you end it.

[tiff1234]

Fear and anxiety are oftentimes two different things. For the most part, anxiety in a person is caused by internal factors and manufactured worries and concerns, insecurities that for the most part aren't real or as significant as the person believes.

 

Fear is based on external/real threats and sparked by a specific cause . . . in this case, he asked to change the dynamics of your relationship. Were you OK with it and agree to that? If so, you have a reason to think he may be sleeping with someone else. If you agreed to it but didn't really want that and just agreed because you didn't want to lose the relationship, then you need to address it with him. And, if you agreed to it, he is not cheating on you.

 

You need to get clear in your head about what you want for yourself, be clear with him about what you want and have a conversation with him about it. Simply state that you want an exclusive, committed, long-term relationship for yourself. Don't be specific about him. Then you let him talk. If he says he still wants an "open" relationship, you end it.

 

We haven't changed anything yet. It was more of something he wanted me to think about for far off in the future and whenever I'm comfortable with it. My worry is more that the fact he suggested it means he's more liable to cheat on me or easily get swept away.

[ExpatInItaly]

We haven't changed anything yet. It was more of something he wanted me to think about for far off in the future and whenever I'm comfortable with it. My worry is more that the fact he suggested it means he's more liable to cheat on me or easily get swept away.

 

I'm sorry OP, but I still think you have a reason to be concerned. If it's something that's apparently so far off in the future, why would he even bring it up at this stage? I'm not suggesting he has any immediate plans to have sex with other women, but I don't think your fears are totally unfounded either. I believe he's bringing this up to test the waters with you, because it's something he does want at some point. As I said before, this isn't just your anxiety speaking.

[orangetree]

I don't see the coworker as the red flag, he is the red flag.

 

If he really wanted to cheat, he would. If the girl at work wouldn't want to hook up with him (or if she wasn't his type anyway) he would do it with a girl from a bar, from a hobby, from the street, whatever. A cheater always finds a way to cheat.

 

That being said, I'm not saying your bf is currently cheating. But his suggestion to sleep with other people is a huge red flag and I would never tolerate that. Talk to him about this a last time and ask him if that's really what he wants and if he's also comfortable sharing you with other men. If he gives you the same answer, break up. An open relationship clearly isn't what you're looking for and your anxiety will get worse.