Struggling dad

[LostBoy.]

Yes. This is what makes you so strong. All of your challenges make you stronger. You have a foundation of love, devotion and curiosity about life and to be the best person you can be. The reason you hurt is because of this. People who feel nothing or little do not face these things. How are you and your kids?

Do you take time for silence and to listen to your inner self?

 

Thank you, genuinely one of the nicer compliments I've had, thanks!

 

Ah we're okay! Easter holidays so had them running riot at work with me Friday

 

Er honestly? I don't tend to get much silence in this life I always make a point to listen to my inner guy though, I've definitely learnt to trust what you feel in your bones!

[Timshel]

You are scattered. Stand still. What are your plans for this evening?

[LostBoy.]

You are scattered. Stand still. What are your plans for this evening?

 

I don't honestly know what I'd do with the chance to stand still.. I guess that the closest thing for me is when I'm out fishing or out just me and the dogs, that's the quietest time I ever have. But even then I try to catch more fish than last time or walk further faster!

 

Tonight?

Going to take the boys swimming, hopeful wear them out.

Then I promised I'd go do an assessment on my gf's, friends, mums new rescue dog (as a favour cause I don't normally work sundays)

Then come home and hope Toby or George have put pie and mash in to cook

Otherwise cook pie and mash

Feed kids

Email all the football parents to confirm when I'm doing training sessions over Easter holidays.

Take the kids/dogs for dogs last walk

Let the kids watch some tele

Put the kids to bed

Maybe play some pool with the boys

Treat myself to a cider and see if theres any sport on the tele, or stick on Game of Thrones.

Go to bed...get up at 5!

 

^ Never let anyone say I don't live the high life.

[littleplanet]

Hey OP,

 

My sincerest condolences for your loss. That is truly a heartbreaker.

Thumbs up to you for sticking by your boys and doing the right thing.

 

One thing I could say here:

Their Mom makes up 50% of all that DNA they were born and blessed with.

No matter what they think, what they do, what they decide....they will never, ever get away from that. It's just a simple fact.

And as time goes by, all these things that they know and understand and feel deep down inside, every time they wonder where that came from.....well, the answer to that could be someone they never had the opportunity to get to know in life. But that makes it no less important, no less special.

Nature and nurture. How do we divide up precisely, what we can't ever measure for certain?

 

I can understand how your eldest feels cheated by fate. That's perfectly natural for a kid to feel.

But in time, hopefully, he'll come around.

Meanwhile, you go on, honoring her memory. She will always be the mother of your children - and there is a lot of her in them.

You know, as they grow up, you'll probably recognize a lot of things in them, that remind you of her.

And if those recognizeable traits are positive, and special - make sure you point that out to them.

In this way, perhaps they will come to think of her in ways they aren't capable of, yet.

 

Kids lose parents all the time - a lousy fact of life.

Yet they learn to create, and adjust.

There is no magic pill that cures that hurt.

 

I just lost one of my oldest and dearest friends recently.

And inherited a second son in the fact - though we had been close for some time, this sealed the deal. Life's like that, sometimes.

She was a single mom - and there was no-one else to fill that job but me.

 

You can't really force the issue. Your boys will feel what is their own truth.

But in the meantime, allow them the time and space to grow into it.

Once they do, they'll be stronger for it.

 

I wish you all the best in the world.

[littleplanet]

,

God and aint that the truth! He reminds me of her more every day. Not so much with my youngest he's more like me but Flint he looks like her, her dark hair, dimples, blue eyes, and i see so much of her in him, her gift of the gab, her compass for trouble, her big dreams, he even runs his hand through his hair when he's thinking & likes to sleep with the radio on, just like her.

Its sad in a way that although I can tell him, he'll never see for himself just how like her he is.

 

 

But it is what it is.

 

 

Thanks for your help

~ Badger

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

O hell.

After reading this, now I know that you already know all you need to know.

My kind suggestions just feel redundant.

But that's fine. It's all good.

Just keep right on doing what you're doing.

You and your boys will be fine.

[littleplanet]

Hey Badger,

 

(I tried to PM this - but that didn't take, so I'll make it public, anyhow)

 

If I was the writer my Dad was - there'd be one helluva book telling your story. With all due respect, it is truly heartwarming.

Your boys are both a tribute to you, and to their mother. I've read all the posts on this, and consider it an honor to submit any advice or support.

 

You sound like you're all doing fine, really. I was a single dad myself, twice over (two boys, two different moms.)

But in a way, I guess I got lucky. Both boys lost their moms at around the same age....mid-twenties. (5 years apart)

So they didn't have the same issues, but it hurt just as much.

 

And of course, the fact that you have kept her memory alive in your heart, bonds you even stronger to your boys. I see so much of my boys' moms in them. And what I see is unique - no-one else in this world can see and understand what I do.....and it is that very thing they look to me for.

 

You can still be the tightest of tight families. Your boy Flint sounds like a kid I'd be proud to know, and his bro is no doubt, his understudy.

Life - always goes on.

Flint will not understand this now as well as he one day will.

When I read your description of Flint's traits that remind you of her - I got all choked up.

Because of course.....she lives on. In him.

He didn't "learn" those traits - they're just mixed in his soul. Nothin' he can do about that.

 

But hopefully, one day he will learn to love, honor and respect those things. And settle in his heart what it all means.

 

In the meantime, stay strong, keep the faith.

Blues eyes closed in slumber with a radio on. And a dimpled grin upon waking.

Those are gifts. Those are the closest we get to immortality. Those are the precious gifts she gave him, that bless his soul and light up the world.

 

Ain't never no shame in the honest truth expressed by a child. Hang in there. Be proud.

 

JP

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

LostBoy,

 

Your thread is so poignant and beautiful. It illustrates the true love and bond that a dad has with his children; especially when their mom has left them because she moved out or she has passed away (as is the case with you).

 

Your sons Flint and Shane are *SO* lucky to have YOU as their dad! You have kept (and continue to keep) her memory alive, so they'll always remember her, even if they don't have very many memories of her or vivid ones because they were so young when she passed. The part where you describe your son Flint's physical characteristics, his personality and mannerisms that remind you so much of his mom is something you should TELL HIM. So, every time he looks in the mirror, he'll see his mommy's eyes in his eyes and he'll feel so good inside knowing that he carries a part of her within him FOREVER!

 

I can't even imagine how difficult it has been for you as a single dad raising your boys with love and compassion, staying strong for them (and for yourself), dealing with their natural feelings of abandonment (because of her death) and confusion, showing them fun times and spending quality time with them WHILE you hold down a job, being responsible in paying the bills, running the household AND trying to have a personal life for yourself. I hope this new relationship with the woman you're currently dating works out for you, but even if it doesn't, you will eventually meet a woman who will love you for who you are, will grow to love your beautiful boys and will make you as happy as you'll make her!

 

 

God Bless You, LostBoy. You're doing a wonderful job being a loving, caring and responsible dad for your sons and always keeping the memory of their beautiful mom shining in their hearts. If I could give you a hug right now, I would! I have a lump in my throat reading through your thread...and what your thread also shows is how short, delicate and fleeting LIFE truly is. How, at the blink of an eye - a person's life can be changed forever.

 

 

~ BOZG

 

 

.

[LostBoy.]

Hey OP, My sincerest condolences for your loss. That is truly a heartbreaker. Thumbs up to you for sticking by your boys and doing the right thing.

Thanks mate!

One thing I could say here: Their Mom makes up 50% of all that DNA they were born and blessed with.

No matter what they think, what they do, what they decide....they will never, ever get away from that. It's just a simple fact.

And as time goes by, all these things that they know and understand and feel deep down inside, every time they wonder where that came from.....well, the answer to that could be someone they never had the opportunity to get to know in life. But that makes it no less important, no less special.

Nature and nurture. How do we divide up precisely, what we can't ever measure for certain?

Totally, like I say my eldest especially is so like her, it's those eyes, it's even the words that come out of his mouth and in my darkest hour, that was my guiding light.

But it scares me too - cause I loved that girl, loved her more than I knew possible, I'd never loved anyone or anything, before I met her. She was amazing but she was also reckless and she was a ticking time bomb - and I wanted to save her so much, and I almost did, I was inches away from our happy ever after, but in the end I didn't, I couldn't, she slipped straight through my fingers. And however like her he is, and however tricky it can be sometimes walking that line between not wanting your kids to do the things you've done while equally knowing they simply wouldn't be your kids if they didn't just a little. I have to find a decent balance between nature and nurture cause I won't let history repeat.

Kids lose parents all the time - a lousy fact of life. Yet they learn to create, and adjust. There is no magic pill that cures that hurt.

There certainly isn't! But yeah, the boys did adjust well, I guess they were just young enough to not really know much different. Which is cruel in one way and a blessing in another.

I just lost one of my oldest and dearest friends recently. And inherited a second son in the fact - though we had been close for some time, this sealed the deal. Life's like that, sometimes. She was a single mom - and there was no-one else to fill that job but me.

I'm sorry to hear that mate!! The best "dad" figure I ever had, if only for a short time, was a man who certainly had no duty to be any sort of dad to me! No kid should lose his mum but he's lucky to have you!

 

 

If I was the writer my Dad was - there'd be one helluva book telling your story. With all due respect, it is truly heartwarming.

Your boys are both a tribute to you, and to their mother. I've read all the posts on this, and consider it an honor to submit any advice or support.

Thank you! Genuinely that means a lot to me! My boys are the best thing that I've ever done.

You sound like you're all doing fine, really. I was a single dad myself, twice over (two boys, two different moms.) But in a way, I guess I got lucky. Both boys lost their moms at around the same age....mid-twenties. (5 years apart) So they didn't have the same issues, but it hurt just as much.

Wow i'm sorry mate that must of been hard! Oh yeah, your mums your mum however old you are!

And of course, the fact that you have kept her memory alive in your heart, bonds you even stronger to your boys. I see so much of my boys' moms in them. And what I see is unique - no-one else in this world can see and understand what I do.....and it is that very thing they look to me for.

You can still be the tightest of tight families. Your boy Flint sounds like a kid I'd be proud to know, and his bro is no doubt, his understudy. Life - always goes on. Flint will not understand this now as well as he one day will. When I read your description of Flint's traits that remind you of her - I got all choked up. Because of course.....she lives on. In him. He didn't "learn" those traits - they're just mixed in his soul. Nothin' he can do about that.

Blues eyes closed in slumber with a radio on. And a dimpled grin upon waking. Those are gifts. Those are the closest we get to immortality. Those are the precious gifts she gave him, that bless his soul and light up the world.

All totally true! Whatever hits you life always goes on..

When she died it didn't seem right that the world was still spinning and people were still going about there lives, like nothing had changed, because their lives hadn't! Nor even the folk that give you the 'i'm so sorry' and then go home to there own lives. And truth be told time doesn't take any of that away you just get used to living in this new life like you'd get used to living with a broken arm that was never fixed.

 

And life goes on! But not without her, not really! Cause your right, that is the closest we come to immortality! She lives in them, even more than they will ever know! And she's irreversibly changed the man I am. In that sense she can never truly be gone from us!

 

 

LostBoy, Your thread is so poignant and beautiful. It illustrates the true love and bond that a dad has with his children; especially when their mom has left them because she moved out or she has passed away (as is the case with you).

Thank you!

 

My own mum left when I was a little kid, but my dad he was only really an example of what not to do. I didn't really know how to be a parent, I still don't really, i'm just making it up as you go along, fake it till you make it, right? Story of my life! But I figure as long as they become decent fully grown men and they never for a single second doubt how much I love them then its job done!

Your sons Flint and Shane are *SO* lucky to have YOU as their dad! You have kept (and continue to keep) her memory alive, so they'll always remember her, even if they don't have very many memories of her or vivid ones because they were so young when she passed. The part where you describe your son Flint's physical characteristics, his personality and mannerisms that remind you so much of his mom is something you should TELL HIM So, every time he looks in the mirror, he'll see his mommy's eyes in his eyes and he'll feel so good inside knowing that he carries a part of her within him FOREVER!

Thank you like I say, I'm just trying my best!

I do tell him that! As do my boys. I've heard him tell people like "my mum died. Everyone says I have her eyes" in his chipper, matter-of-fact way, her way! I think its different though, in a way that its just something me and the boys have told him, where as like my youngest Shay, is much more like me and he'll see that for himself growing up.

 

Equally Shay's just less fazed by things. He's super focused for a kid, where Flint likes to court centre stage more. I take them to work sometimes and Shay will just be watching what I do, he'll barely take his eyes off the dogs if they're doing like agility or something. Flint on the other hand will be chatting up the girls I work with or asking my gf tons of questions or distracting my customers, just generally up to something - he's just so like her. I just love my boys so much!

 

I can't even imagine how difficult it has been for you as a single dad raising your boys with love and compassion, staying strong for them (and for yourself), dealing with their natural feelings of abandonment (because of her death) and confusion, showing them fun times and spending quality time with them WHILE you hold down a job, being responsible in paying the bills, running the household AND trying to have a personal life for yourself.

You know as tough as those things are they're the only things that got me off my knees after she died, that got me out of bed each day after. They were something to keep fighting for.....and i'd be lost without a good scrap. Truth is I'd feel for the man with no purpose, cause I don't know where you'd even start to keep going in that circumstance.

 

I hope this new relationship with the woman you're currently dating works out for you, but even if it doesn't, you will eventually meet a woman who will love you for who you are, will grow to love your beautiful boys and will make you as happy as you'll make her!

 

Me too! She's a special girl. I swore never again, never anyone else, and I'm stubborn man, yet somehow she's got me in the palm of her hand! So she's a special girl!

 

God Bless You, LostBoy. You're doing a wonderful job being a loving, caring and responsible dad for your sons and always keeping the memory of their beautiful mom shining in their hearts. If I could give you a hug right now, I would! I have a lump in my throat reading through your thread...and what your thread also shows is how short, delicate and fleeting LIFE truly is. How, at the blink of an eye - a person's life can be changed forever ~ BOZG.

Thank you, that means a lot!

 

Yes! If I could tell the world anything it would be that! Everyone knows how short life is deep down, but knowing it and realising how suddenly it can blindside you on some random Friday are two totally different things! It doesn't matter how hard you try you cant protect someone every second. If everything comes down to fate then all you can do is make every second of the good times count! Someone told me something once like 'if your day wasn't good, as least it was okay. and if it wasn't okay, at least it wasn't disastrous. and if it was disastrous, at least you didn't die'

 

 

When I was a young lad I used to think I was dealt a hard hand of cards. I seemed to always be in some sort of trouble and I thought I was born unlucky. But then I met her and that changed, I thought I had my whole life mapped out, but it wasn't to be, but I don't believe that i'm a n unlucky man anymore. I was incredibly lucky. Our time together was too short, but I still spent more time with that girl than anyone else on the planet got too! I loved her, and she loved me back! I got to got to call her my girlfriend and she will forever be the mother of my children! The way its ended up hurts but id still do it all again, every second!

Edited May 2, 2015 by LostBoy.

[littleplanet]

LostBoy,

 

You aren't lost atall.

 

(Sometimes we're lucky enough to get found.)

 

Life goes on being the treasure that it is. I almost didn't make it......long ago when my eldest was just a mere twinkle in my eye.

As to that fear that history repeats itself. Not necessarily, when we're blessed with the time and the good sense to make things right. Sons can certainly grow up and make us proud. Proud of the fact that we did something right, sure - but also proud of the fact that we did as little damage as possible, while floundering around trying to figure out what works.

 

It makes me grin all over now, when my boys fuss a little over me.....not because of obligation, but because that's how they're built. Mutual respect is the destination along that long road traveled.

And your memories.......are the paving stones along the way.

You knew their mom in a way they never can - and that makes your memories precious beyond value. And the way they will come to know and understand that, is what makes for solid bonds.

 

Blessed are the tears wept honestly.

For they will know comfort.