My venting thread. I need this.

[BlackbirdSong]

A,

 

Happy Easter. I can't believe you didn't wish me the same. You were the girl I was going to give my life to and you can't even wish me a Happy Easter?!?! I was so wrong about you. I cannot believe I never saw it. You truly didn't love me like the millions of times you told me. If you did, then you would have stuck by my side through my tough times. It would have been worth it at the end.

 

I'm sure you had a wonderful day introducing your new guy to the family. They were probably happy for your happiness and happy that he has money and a stable job. That way you can get your wish of being married and starting a family. Am I jealous? You're damn right I am. I keep thinking of holidays past when we were so happy and I felt so lucky to be with you. I thought you felt the same. Now through this all, I see that I loved you a lot more than you ever loved me. It hurts. It hurts bad. It's not going away no matter how much I try. I feel so pathetic and worthless. These last two months have been my rock bottom. I'm trying to dig my way out of this hole, but it's taking way too much time.

 

Everybody's telling me that I'm better off without you. That you were too high-maintenance, had too many issues, and were not right for me. I know they're saying it to make me feel better, but only I know the truth. I loved you and gave you my all. But it wasn't enough. You told me "Sometimes good things just fall apart"; **** YOU!!!!!

 

You never planned on coming back or contacting me, did you? I see that now. Two strong years down the drain, for what? I'm so disgusted with myself for putting myself in this position. I'm done with love. You ruined it for me. Thanks a lot, I've become another one of your victims.

 

Have a great life (you come from money so i'm sure you will)

[darkbloom]

Blackbird,

 

I feel like you're my biggest loveshack fan. Everytime I log on I have a like from you and it makes my whole day.

 

I'm glad someone likes my advice and hopefully has learned from my painful mistakes.

 

Xoxoxoxo,

 

DB

[dvx]

A,

 

Happy Easter. I can't believe you didn't wish me the same. You were the girl I was going to give my life to and you can't even wish me a Happy Easter?!?! I was so wrong about you. I cannot believe I never saw it. You truly didn't love me like the millions of times you told me. If you did, then you would have stuck by my side through my tough times. It would have been worth it at the end.

 

I'm sure you had a wonderful day introducing your new guy to the family. They were probably happy for your happiness and happy that he has money and a stable job. That way you can get your wish of being married and starting a family. Am I jealous? You're damn right I am. I keep thinking of holidays past when we were so happy and I felt so lucky to be with you. I thought you felt the same. Now through this all, I see that I loved you a lot more than you ever loved me. It hurts. It hurts bad. It's not going away no matter how much I try. I feel so pathetic and worthless. These last two months have been my rock bottom. I'm trying to dig my way out of this hole, but it's taking way too much time.

 

Everybody's telling me that I'm better off without you. That you were too high-maintenance, had too many issues, and were not right for me. I know they're saying it to make me feel better, but only I know the truth. I loved you and gave you my all. But it wasn't enough. You told me "Sometimes good things just fall apart"; **** YOU!!!!!

 

You never planned on coming back or contacting me, did you? I see that now. Two strong years down the drain, for what? I'm so disgusted with myself for putting myself in this position. I'm done with love. You ruined it for me. Thanks a lot, I've become another one of your victims.

 

Have a great life (you come from money so i'm sure you will)

 

..So better things can fall together. Damn i've always hated that Quote. Ex-Ex used it too.

 

I admire your strength and the amount of NC you've completed. I hope i'll get there too in one piece.

[BlackbirdSong]

My head is in a total spin.

I was offered a police job over this past weekend and needed to find current references and I decided to put my ex on the list (although everybody told me not to).

Anyways, on Monday I broke NC (we've been strict NC for 2 months) and sent her a text letting her know that the cops will be probably contacting her for the reference. Hours went by.....

 

Finally that afternoon, she responded by saying how awesome it was that I was offered this opportunity and that she would definitely be supportive and say great things......AND if I have a new girlfriend she's really happy for me also (red flag?)

 

Then she said..unlike me who is posting negative **** on FB and Instagram that alludes to her. I told her that I haven't posted a single negative thing about her anywhere and she responded with some stupid memes that I posted that had NOTHING to do with her. It's also kinda funny that she saw those things because she blocked me and deactivated her account on FB and unfollowed me on Instagram.....but that's none of my business

 

Anyways, I told her that those memes had nothing to do with her and then she asked it they were meant for my ex (before her). Ummmm...no, they're just funny memes, relax.

 

Then the craziness happened.

 

I decided at that point in time to text her EVERYTHING I had wanted to say to her but never got a chance (read my first few letters to A). INSTANTLY it was like a HUGE weight was raised off of my chest. I could breathe and think again. That letting go of all that I wanted to say made me feel so much better, like I was me again.

 

She responded by saying that she didn't know what to say, but she wanted to talk later and that she'd call me. (We're both teachers so we both had to go teach classes - we teach in different cities if you're wondering).

 

Later that night she called and we had a 45 minute conversation. Basically I got to clarify everything that I had texted to her earlier. She had some questions, we talked more....then she suggested that we get together for dinner this weekend. (WHAT?!?) I told her that I'm busy this weekend (I'm not) and she suggested this Friday night. I agreed.

 

Now there's so much to this right now. She said that she's been depressed and got sick during our NC and that I hurt her really bad (ummm, you dumped me wtf). She was so happy that I made so much progress in my personal life (therapy, stabilizing my career and financial situation, and just becoming overall more happy with my life) and she wished that I was where I am now, two months ago as I am now saying everything that she's ever wanted. I reiterated that I did say these things, but she just didn't listen (I'm not taking all the freakin' blame here. Eff that.) She said she's very hesitant about us trying again and would like to take things really slow and doesn't want to just jump back into our relationship (I agreed). She has her guard all the way up (also understandable) and part of her just doesn't think she wants us again (most likely a red flag or maybe she was just overwhelmed by the situation/conversation). I felt throughout the conversation that I had hurt her, but she really wanted to believe that I had made significant realizations/progress/changes, but she was hesitant....ping ponging back and forth emotionally. At one point she broke down crying saying that she was sad and pissed off...and was upset that I had broken NC and texted her. I asked her if she wanted me to let her go and she said no.

 

She said she's scared about seeing me again as I really devastated her and it's been hard getting over me/us. Like a friggin dick, I told her that I was also scared of how much pain she caused me (the WORST move I made. I was kicking myself right after the words left my lips). She said maybe we should just cut our losses and try with new people because we are afraid of hurting each other again. Eff that!!! I told her, "Hey, I'm not asking you for anything right now" and left it at that. Was kinda at a loss for words, but it came out cool. lol.

 

Then she said that she feels bad for herself because I'm the second guy that she had broken up with, that once she was gone, made major changes and became the guys that she wanted to be with. Hahaha. I told her that my changes were all about me, and while our breakup motivated me, they had nothing to do with her. I'm not playing that bull**** sympathy game with her. I'm also not relieving any guilt she feels. Sorry, not sorry.

 

This is the funny part. She said that she doesn't want me to see other girls, then she retracted that and said that at this time we can see other people. Hahahaha ummm did I fall off the turnip truck yesterday? Obviously she's seeing other dudes and wants to see how her and I are gonna interact before cutting the other guys loose. GTFOH with that. I told her that I am nobody's plan B or second choice so screw that noise. She got really serious and said that I was never and never will be her Plan B. I played it coy and made it like I was also seeing other people (tried it a few weeks ago, my heart wasn't into it...left a date early because I couldn't handle it) I've been talking to a few girls, but it's basically just to keep my mind off my ex - none of that talking is going anywhere. So pretty much, my ex and I left it at that. She said she needs to think about this whole thing and I told her not to contact me until Thursday night to make plans for Friday. She agreed.

 

I have to tell you; after the conversation I had the most energy and a freakin glow about me that I haven't had in months. It was like I was on Cloud 9. I know it was such a fake ass feeling, but I can't deny how good it was. Just to hear her voice was like drinking an elixir of youth and positive energy. So lame as I'm a very confident guy, but it's true. The combination of being able to get everything off my chest and speaking with her has brought me back to life. Now I TOTALLY understand that this bubble may (and probably will) burst, but I feel like I'll be able to handle it better this time.

 

So it's now Wednesday and we haven't communicated since Monday. I haven't really thought about her much the past couple days for the first time since the breakup and I've truly felt like I'm back to my normal, positive, productive self. However, now when I have a chance to sit down and write this post, tinges of anxiety are starting to creep in.

 

I wrote a post awhile ago that said that my biggest fear is that my ex will tell me that she's not in love with me anymore. That easily could happen Friday at dinner or more likely in a text after dinner. Just the fact that she said that she doesn't know if her heart is that into trying us again brings me major pause. But whatever....

 

I also hope that I don't crack when I actually see her in person. I haven't seen her in over two months and you all know how much I love her. I've fought guys in cages and have had less anxiety then than I am feeling about seeing her again. I just don't want to **** this up. I feel like she's totally opened the door for a possible reconciliation and that this dinner could be a make it or break it situation.

 

I'm also going to try as much as possible to avoid the "who have you been dating/****ing/etc. during these past 2 months" rabbit hole. I really want to know everything (obviously), but I really DON'T want to know (if you know what I mean). I'm sure eventually she'll interrogate the hell out of me with where I've been/who I've been with.

 

I'm not a timid guy or a pushover so I'm sure I'll handle myself alright. I'll bring my A-game, be genuine, and see what happens.

 

The thought has also crossed my mind to cancel this dinner and just move on. It's most likely a defense mechanism as I know that no matter how much I convince myself that I am finally at a positive place where I feel like I'm controlling my emotions and my heart; I know that if this dinner goes bad, she doesn't want to eventually reconcile, etc., I'll instantly be back to Day 1. That scares the hell out of me. For real.

 

At the same time, I think that she's in the same boat. She has high anxiety as it is and this situation (whether she's over us or not) must be stressful for her. She must be just as nervous as I am. Which could possibly lead to her standing me up...which would ****ing suck.

 

Alright, now I'm rambling.....the moral of the story regardless if my current situation crashes and burns in fiery glory, is that I broke NC for a really good reason, but was afforded an opportunity to remove a HUGE weight off of my chest and I felt and still feel really good about it. If she never even called me Monday night or wanted to see me again, I still would have felt relieved and at peace.

 

I'm spent....blast away my LS friends.

[fireflywy]

Well, I would be weary of the reconciliation hopes. In the end, you broke the NC and when you did, she was still being wishy washy. I've never done reconciliation, but from the posters here, it sounds like the only way it can be successful is if she throws herself all in and judging by your conversation, I don't think she's there and perhaps you as well.

 

I still wish you the best though my friend.

[Cinnamonstix]

Reading through your post, I could feel the relief you felt after finally pouring your heart out to her. I hope it came at a good time for both of you.

 

I don't know what else to say except good luck!

[Riptide91]

Blackbird, I have read all your posts and see you quite frequently post on others threads to help. I will say I understand your reasoning for breaking NC and congrats, I hope you get the job. HOWEVER. I think the whole meeting for dinner thing is a bad idea and for one reason, she sounds like she doesn't HAVE to have you back. I think reconciliation only works if the dumper realizes what they have lost and make leaps and bounds to get you back, I don't feel that here. I hope for your sake I am completely wrong, I would never hope for you to strikeout. That being said, please go into Friday a confident, proud, and intelligent bastard and show her what she will miss out on if she can't bring herself to reconcile. Either way it ends, you sound like a stand up guy. Please also keep the thought in the back of your head this might not work out and don't let it crush you, look at it more of your last stand to let her know everything and she couldn't comprehend how great of a person you are. Good luck my man!

[dvx]

My head is in a total spin.

I was offered a police job over this past weekend and needed to find current references and I decided to put my ex on the list (although everybody told me not to).

Anyways, on Monday I broke NC (we've been strict NC for 2 months) and sent her a text letting her know that the cops will be probably contacting her for the reference. Hours went by.....

 

Finally that afternoon, she responded by saying how awesome it was that I was offered this opportunity and that she would definitely be supportive and say great things......AND if I have a new girlfriend she's really happy for me also (red flag?)

 

Then she said..unlike me who is posting negative **** on FB and Instagram that alludes to her. I told her that I haven't posted a single negative thing about her anywhere and she responded with some stupid memes that I posted that had NOTHING to do with her. It's also kinda funny that she saw those things because she blocked me and deactivated her account on FB and unfollowed me on Instagram.....but that's none of my business

 

Anyways, I told her that those memes had nothing to do with her and then she asked it they were meant for my ex (before her). Ummmm...no, they're just funny memes, relax.

 

Then the craziness happened.

 

I decided at that point in time to text her EVERYTHING I had wanted to say to her but never got a chance (read my first few letters to A). INSTANTLY it was like a HUGE weight was raised off of my chest. I could breathe and think again. That letting go of all that I wanted to say made me feel so much better, like I was me again.

 

She responded by saying that she didn't know what to say, but she wanted to talk later and that she'd call me. (We're both teachers so we both had to go teach classes - we teach in different cities if you're wondering).

 

Later that night she called and we had a 45 minute conversation. Basically I got to clarify everything that I had texted to her earlier. She had some questions, we talked more....then she suggested that we get together for dinner this weekend. (WHAT?!?) I told her that I'm busy this weekend (I'm not) and she suggested this Friday night. I agreed.

 

Now there's so much to this right now. She said that she's been depressed and got sick during our NC and that I hurt her really bad (ummm, you dumped me wtf). She was so happy that I made so much progress in my personal life (therapy, stabilizing my career and financial situation, and just becoming overall more happy with my life) and she wished that I was where I am now, two months ago as I am now saying everything that she's ever wanted. I reiterated that I did say these things, but she just didn't listen (I'm not taking all the freakin' blame here. Eff that.) She said she's very hesitant about us trying again and would like to take things really slow and doesn't want to just jump back into our relationship (I agreed). She has her guard all the way up (also understandable) and part of her just doesn't think she wants us again (most likely a red flag or maybe she was just overwhelmed by the situation/conversation). I felt throughout the conversation that I had hurt her, but she really wanted to believe that I had made significant realizations/progress/changes, but she was hesitant....ping ponging back and forth emotionally. At one point she broke down crying saying that she was sad and pissed off...and was upset that I had broken NC and texted her. I asked her if she wanted me to let her go and she said no.

 

She said she's scared about seeing me again as I really devastated her and it's been hard getting over me/us. Like a friggin dick, I told her that I was also scared of how much pain she caused me (the WORST move I made. I was kicking myself right after the words left my lips). She said maybe we should just cut our losses and try with new people because we are afraid of hurting each other again. Eff that!!! I told her, "Hey, I'm not asking you for anything right now" and left it at that. Was kinda at a loss for words, but it came out cool. lol.

 

Then she said that she feels bad for herself because I'm the second guy that she had broken up with, that once she was gone, made major changes and became the guys that she wanted to be with. Hahaha. I told her that my changes were all about me, and while our breakup motivated me, they had nothing to do with her. I'm not playing that bull**** sympathy game with her. I'm also not relieving any guilt she feels. Sorry, not sorry.

 

This is the funny part. She said that she doesn't want me to see other girls, then she retracted that and said that at this time we can see other people. Hahahaha ummm did I fall off the turnip truck yesterday? Obviously she's seeing other dudes and wants to see how her and I are gonna interact before cutting the other guys loose. GTFOH with that. I told her that I am nobody's plan B or second choice so screw that noise. She got really serious and said that I was never and never will be her Plan B. I played it coy and made it like I was also seeing other people (tried it a few weeks ago, my heart wasn't into it...left a date early because I couldn't handle it) I've been talking to a few girls, but it's basically just to keep my mind off my ex - none of that talking is going anywhere. So pretty much, my ex and I left it at that. She said she needs to think about this whole thing and I told her not to contact me until Thursday night to make plans for Friday. She agreed.

 

I have to tell you; after the conversation I had the most energy and a freakin glow about me that I haven't had in months. It was like I was on Cloud 9. I know it was such a fake ass feeling, but I can't deny how good it was. Just to hear her voice was like drinking an elixir of youth and positive energy. So lame as I'm a very confident guy, but it's true. The combination of being able to get everything off my chest and speaking with her has brought me back to life. Now I TOTALLY understand that this bubble may (and probably will) burst, but I feel like I'll be able to handle it better this time.

 

So it's now Wednesday and we haven't communicated since Monday. I haven't really thought about her much the past couple days for the first time since the breakup and I've truly felt like I'm back to my normal, positive, productive self. However, now when I have a chance to sit down and write this post, tinges of anxiety are starting to creep in.

 

I wrote a post awhile ago that said that my biggest fear is that my ex will tell me that she's not in love with me anymore. That easily could happen Friday at dinner or more likely in a text after dinner. Just the fact that she said that she doesn't know if her heart is that into trying us again brings me major pause. But whatever....

 

I also hope that I don't crack when I actually see her in person. I haven't seen her in over two months and you all know how much I love her. I've fought guys in cages and have had less anxiety then than I am feeling about seeing her again. I just don't want to **** this up. I feel like she's totally opened the door for a possible reconciliation and that this dinner could be a make it or break it situation.

 

I'm also going to try as much as possible to avoid the "who have you been dating/****ing/etc. during these past 2 months" rabbit hole. I really want to know everything (obviously), but I really DON'T want to know (if you know what I mean). I'm sure eventually she'll interrogate the hell out of me with where I've been/who I've been with.

 

I'm not a timid guy or a pushover so I'm sure I'll handle myself alright. I'll bring my A-game, be genuine, and see what happens.

 

The thought has also crossed my mind to cancel this dinner and just move on. It's most likely a defense mechanism as I know that no matter how much I convince myself that I am finally at a positive place where I feel like I'm controlling my emotions and my heart; I know that if this dinner goes bad, she doesn't want to eventually reconcile, etc., I'll instantly be back to Day 1. That scares the hell out of me. For real.

 

At the same time, I think that she's in the same boat. She has high anxiety as it is and this situation (whether she's over us or not) must be stressful for her. She must be just as nervous as I am. Which could possibly lead to her standing me up...which would ****ing suck.

 

Alright, now I'm rambling.....the moral of the story regardless if my current situation crashes and burns in fiery glory, is that I broke NC for a really good reason, but was afforded an opportunity to remove a HUGE weight off of my chest and I felt and still feel really good about it. If she never even called me Monday night or wanted to see me again, I still would have felt relieved and at peace.

 

I'm spent....blast away my LS friends.

Im sure you had other references. It sounds like you took the egg out a minute before it was completely cooked. Meaning that, I'm pretty sure she would of reached out to you eventually soon. Anyways i hope it goes well and that you come back with a successful story to share.

[darkbloom]

Blackbird,

 

My no contact friend. You have broken it. I am happy that you feel good about it but please keep your guard up. I don't want you to be crushed if this dinner goes bad. I want your heart in your chest and operating at maximum efficiency.

 

I have reconciled both times with the ex. And I think for it to stick she needs to be breaking down your door telling you she messed up. I have reconciled under similar pretenses and circumstances and it has ended me up here.

 

I don't have any solid advice because I am currently biting my nails for you. Keep us updated!!!

[Riptide91]

Blackbird,

 

My no contact friend. You have broken it. I am happy that you feel good about it but please keep your guard up. I don't want you to be crushed if this dinner goes bad. I want your heart in your chest and operating at maximum efficiency.

 

I have reconciled both times with the ex. And I think for it to stick she needs to be breaking down your door telling you she messed up. I have reconciled under similar pretenses and circumstances and it has ended me up here.

 

I don't have any solid advice because I am currently biting my nails for you. Keep us updated!!!

 

As darkbloom said and I kind of touched on earlier, I really wish she would have broke down your door to get in touch with you, we'd all probably feel a lot better.

[hunk]

I've got mad respect for you blackbird, have been following your posts intently. You seem to know who you are. You're obviously a strong and confident guy - don't let this change you, don't let this girl or this situation break you down.

 

The problem is, that feeling you had after speaking with her - it's actually a really detrimental thing. It's literally as if you've had your "hit" of her, and you tell yourself you don't care what happens next and that you're finally "at peace" etc. This is because deep down, you're actually EXPECTING something to come from this. You (we) can tell ourselves that we're done, that that last hit was all we needed, but when the result we're expecting/hoping for doesn't come, we end up in an even worse place than we were before we spoke to them.

 

If i were you brother I would call off this meeting. I really would. I'd tell her something came up and you're busy. You're too emotionally invested in this and i just don't see it turning out the way you want it to. Remember, if she wants you back SHE WILL TELL YOU CLEARLY - you won't need to go into a meeting where you're completely unsure of what's going to happen. It will be clear as day that her intentions are to reconcile with you. She sounds like she's just giving you the run around, and i feel like this dinner is just going to end up in her giving you NONE of the answers you want, and for that reason i think it's completely pointless and unnecessary, given you've already laid out everything you have to say to her.

 

This is just my input. Take what you want from it. But remember you're a strong dude and letting this beat you down would be ridiculous.

 

I'm cheering for you man

[darkbloom]

I've got mad respect for you blackbird, have been following your posts intently. You seem to know who you are. You're obviously a strong and confident guy - don't let this change you, don't let this girl or this situation break you down.

 

The problem is, that feeling you had after speaking with her - it's actually a really detrimental thing. It's literally as if you've had your "hit" of her, and you tell yourself you don't care what happens next and that you're finally "at peace" etc. This is because deep down, you're actually EXPECTING something to come from this. You (we) can tell ourselves that we're done, that that last hit was all we needed, but when the result we're expecting/hoping for doesn't come, we end up in an even worse place than we were before we spoke to them.

 

If i were you brother I would call off this meeting. I really would. I'd tell her something came up and you're busy. You're too emotionally invested in this and i just don't see it turning out the way you want it to. Remember, if she wants you back SHE WILL TELL YOU CLEARLY - you won't need to go into a meeting where you're completely unsure of what's going to happen. It will be clear as day that her intentions are to reconcile with you. She sounds like she's just giving you the run around, and i feel like this dinner is just going to end up in her giving you NONE of the answers you want, and for that reason i think it's completely pointless and unnecessary, given you've already laid out everything you have to say to her.

 

This is just my input. Take what you want from it. But remember you're a strong dude and letting this beat you down would be ridiculous.

 

I'm cheering for you man

 

But hunk, sometimes we just need another hit of them.

[Riptide91]

But hunk, sometimes we just need another hit of them.

 

This is crazy and you know it.

[hunk]

Trust me, I know. But one day you wake up and think "do I really wanna shoot up, feel good for a few hours and then spend the rest of the week wracked with pain feeling worse that I ever have before in bed doing nothing while I try and kick it again?"

 

No, you get up, shave, piss and go to the nearest methadone clinic and get as many girl's/guy's numbers as you possibly can:bunny::bunny::bunny:

[darkbloom]

You are both right. Which is exactly why I'm 107 days no contact.

 

Some people get the itch though and they have to scratch it.

[hunk]

It's funny you should mention you're on day 107 darkbloom. Today I've had a few thoughts regarding the idea of NC. I feel that you want to look at it as something perpetual, like from day 1 you have implemented NC and that's it. There's no timeline of NC or time to keep track of because that implies it must have some sort of end or "non-NC" time, which obviously is wrong. I have no idea what day NC I am. I'm not even sure how many weeks or months it's been. I think when you stop counting the days you've accepted and kind of embraced the situation. We don't count the days normally, we don't wake up and think like, oh it's day 134 since I bought my new car and totaled it in the same day. Because there's no point, it doesn't actually DO anything, it just keeps us holding onto the thought of totaling our new (old) car and potentially holding us back from driving at 100% again. As humans we need to be constantly moving forward, and I feel like NC needs to be a switch we flick on in our minds that can't be turned off. We turn it on and then just kind of forget about it because it's now a part of our lives, and then we get on with the rest of our life normally.

 

This is just food for thought

Edited April 9, 2015 by hunk
spelling

[darkbloom]

It's funny you should mention you're on day 107 darkbloom. Today I've had a few thoughts regarding the idea of NC. I feel that you want to look at it as something perpetual, like from day 1 you have implemented NC and that's it. There's no timeline of NC or time to keep track of because that implies it must have some sort of end or "non-NC" time, which obviously is wrong. I have no idea what day NC I am. I'm not even sure how many weeks or months it's been. I think when you stop counting the days you've accepted and kind of embraced the situation. We don't count the days normally, we don't wake up and think like, oh it's day 134 since I bought my new car and totaled it in the same day. Because there's no point, it doesn't actually DO anything, it just keeps us holding onto the thought of totaling our new (old) car and potentially holding us back from driving at 100% again. As humans we need to be constantly moving forward, and I feel like NC needs to be a switch we flick on in our minds that can't be turned off. We turn it on and then just kind of forget about it because it's now a part of our lives, and then we get on with the rest of our life normally.

 

This is just food for thought

 

I agree with your thoughts. I actually had to get a calculator and a calender out yesterday to calculate how far I was for someone that asked in another thread. NC doesn't have a timeline, you're right. Being on a timeline for NC though is better than the alternative which is being in contact.

 

I am tracking my recovery from my addiction. I've been clean of him 107 days. I was so far in my habit of him that it is a miracle I am even this far into the healing process. I have always broken NC and I have always ended back in my cycle with him. I am choosing a different path for myself. And those 107 days were hard earned. I would go so far as to say that if he broke NC or I broke it I

would end up back in trouble with him.

 

Some people need NC to heal. I need it to heal and I also need it to break my unhealthy addiction to him.

[hunk]

I can see where you're coming from there aswell. It's as if those 107 days are a personal achievement for you, which I can definitely see would help you in moving on. Like a sort of trophy, and if you were to break NC you'd have the trophy stripped from you. Whatever it takes to get to that one day when you forget how many days NC it's been.

[Riptide91]

I agree with your thoughts. I actually had to get a calculator and a calender out yesterday to calculate how far I was for someone that asked in another thread. NC doesn't have a timeline, you're right. Being on a timeline for NC though is better than the alternative which is being in contact.

 

I am tracking my recovery from my addiction. I've been clean of him 107 days. I was so far in my habit of him that it is a miracle I am even this far into the healing process. I have always broken NC and I have always ended back in my cycle with him. I am choosing a different path for myself. And those 107 days were hard earned. I would go so far as to say that if he broke NC or I broke it I

would end up back in trouble with him.

 

Some people need NC to heal. I need it to heal and I also need it to break my unhealthy addiction to him.

 

I think it's good that you're doing so well darkbloom. From the sounds of some things you've said I have a feeling our stories have some similar details and I do hope you'll share one day, if you feel up to it, you never know, you might feel relieved to get it off your chest?

 

Hunk, I love the theory of not counting NC. I agree 100%, it's indefinite, you don't count how many days you've had your drivers license. I will remember this though and try to get people to understand it.

 

Lastly, sorry for the bit of thread jacking Blackbird.

[darkbloom]

I think it's good that you're doing so well darkbloom. From the sounds of some things you've said I have a feeling our stories have some similar details and I do hope you'll share one day, if you feel up to it, you never know, you might feel relieved to get it off your chest?

 

Hunk, I love the theory of not counting NC. I agree 100%, it's indefinite, you don't count how many days you've had your drivers license. I will remember this though and try to get people to understand it.

 

Lastly, sorry for the bit of thread jacking Blackbird.

 

I have written the story. I just can't decide what to tell and what to leave out. I Think I will start a new thread with it and break it into pieces. A new piece to the story every week. I feel like I might need to share so blackbird can know how similar our situations were.

 

Lastly, sorry for jacking this thread.

[BlackbirdSong]

I'm extremely grateful for all of you and your interest in my story. Tonight we're supposed to make plans for tomorrow night and I'm really on the fence. I'm leaning towards calling it off. My mind tells me that I can handle the situation going south, but I know all the progress of my heart would be for nought. I'd be back at day 1.

 

Should I take any stock in the fact that she was the one who suggested that we should hang out? She suggested going to dinner. I didn't ask or imply anything. I also don't think this is a friendzone situation as I straight out told her that I'm not looking for friends, I'm looking for a wife (I was amped that I got to say that - Clint Eastwood style. Ka-boom!)

 

Also from the conversation it seemed that she felt like I was the dumped and I basically forced her hand in leaving. I call bull**** on that, but looking back, I can see how unmanageable and negative I had become. Hell, I would have left me too (I am not trying to excuse her or displace blame. I just see more clearly now).

[hunk]

Just try to think of your situation in this way dude.

 

She broke it off with you. You broke the 2 month NC. You laid it all on the line about how you feel. This is the crucial thing, she knows EXACTLY how you feel and that you want her back.

 

She didn't reciprocate this, and gave you some kind of airy leads about how she wishes you could've been the guy you are now, then. ALSO that she isn't even sure if she wants a relationship with you. This is a HUGE red flag. Notice how she's calling the shots? It's not "dammit blackbird, i screwed up, i need to talk to you", but more of a "oh i'm not sure if this is what i really want but i'm enjoying this attention right now and could entertain it for a while because i don't feel great". Essentially this dinner is gonna be you presenting your case, obviously indirectly (but you'll both know this is why you're there) for her getting back with you while she's already made up her mind about the situation.

 

I think the strongest thing you could do would be to bail on the dinner and go back into NC. If she REALLY wants you back you're gonna hear about it. This won't deter her, I GUARANTEE, she'll show her true intentions if you back out of this and ghost on her again. My main problem with this is that she hasn't directly indicated she wants you back to the same extent you have to her.

 

BUT - without risk there's no reward. If you feel like you can truly handle it - being true to yourself - then you could go into it with 0 expectations. But you and I both know that's gonna be almost impossible, and the hurt if it doesn't go the way you hope it will is gonna be really, really bad. I'm not saying don't go, i'm just saying don't make the decision lightly because the repercussions are gonna suck if it all goes south.

 

Keep us updated for the love of god:lmao::lmao::laugh:

[BlackbirdSong]

^^^^ damn it, this post makes way too much sense. Thanks brother.

[Throldur]

I, for one, am hoping this works out for you. I'm totally in your corner.

 

Almost like, if this works for you, then there's hope for me. I'm in your corner, buddy. Keep your guard up.

[darkbloom]

Blackbird,

 

 

What are you going to do? I've been dying all morning to find out. You must keep us updated!

 

 

AH!