AP is a vampire

[stillafool]

Maybe you should stop talking to the Mother In Law at this point. Of course she wants to do whatever it takes to get her daughter back with you so she'll suggest anything to get her daughter away from OM. I think you need to work only with your attorney.

[bamawsp]

Any way to get her to go live with the OM?

 

Abandon her children for the OM?

 

So that you can get custody of the kids? What does your attorney say about this?

 

I've asked her to leave and she has said no. The OM rents a 1 bedroom apartment. She lives is a nice home with her family. It is the strangest thing I've ever seen.

[BetrayedH]

I'm quite certain that I could have gotten my wife's boss and/or her fired.

 

I don't regret the decision not to pursue it. She needs income to support my two kids during her 50% custody.

 

Had I pursued it, it's quite likely that I would be paying her child support and alimony. As it turned out, she pays me a small amount each month in child support (and we both have enough to support our kids).

 

I nearly screwed myself and my kids over what would have amounted to revenge.

 

I most certainly wish that the OM had lost his cushy job. But in the end, I exercised my brain instead of my emotions (just as Furious is advising you) and I don't regret it.

[drifter777]

I've gotten several Restraining Orders over the past couple years and I can tell you that it is no easy task. When a person has proven that they are a danger to you & family - such as kidnapping a child while you were all asleep - judges sign off pretty quickly. I see no grounds for you to obtain one barring your wife's AP from anything. But I'm not a lawyer and don't know where you live so maybe you have a case. Your lawyer should know your chances before you got to court so ask him/her.

 

Stop blaming her AP - your anger & energy are terribly misplaced. Does he bear some of the blame in all this? Of course. Can his continued presence in your WW's life make this all more complicated & painful? Of course. But your wife is responsible for every ounce of all of this. He is an accessory after the fact - your WW is the perpetrator. Focus on reality here.

 

By misdirecting your anger you are avoiding the true severity and importance of your actions right now. Divorce is ugly and you want it done as fast as possible. You make a settlement offer that is painful to you in hopes she will sign off quickly and you can start life without her. Your children & co-parenting with your WW are becoming the most important thing in all of this and your continual ranting about the OM is not at all constructive. Embrace your children. Help them feel secure. Assure them that both mommy and daddy love them and will always be there for them. They are the most important thing in your life and you are responsible for their well-being. Dig in and find the strength to get through the divorce and make your kids safe and secure. Find a counselor for yourself and go to work. While difficult, painful, and scary - the path toward recovery in the case of divorce is quite simple.

[bamawsp]

I've offered multiple deals for divorce and she doesn't sniff them. She refuses to talk about it either.

 

I am dumbfounded by her actions.

[stillafool]

I've offered multiple deals for divorce and she doesn't sniff them. She refuses to talk about it either.

 

I am dumbfounded by her actions.

 

You don't need her permission to divorce her. It is not up to her, it's up to you. I agree with drifter, stop focusing on OM and his conversations with your wife. She is responsible for hurting your family. OM could not do anything unless she let him.

[Clay]

Wait until she leaves for the day and pack up all her things and call the OM tell him to come get them. Put them on the driveway. If she wants them back in the house let her pack it all in. There is no doubt you can't force her to leave but nothing says anything about making her life a living hell while she is there.

 

The other thing I would do is go out on dates. Spend your money on other women. You don't have to take anything seriously with these women but let her see your getting dressed up to leave. Let her wonder what the hell is going on.

 

In the mean while file and just peruse the divorce. In time it will sync in that she is no long wanted or needed.

 

None of these but the last one our some of my best ideas but its more of a knee jerk reaction to seeing your thread and how much stuff she keeps putting you through.

 

Clay

[drifter777]

I've offered multiple deals for divorce and she doesn't sniff them. She refuses to talk about it either.

 

I am dumbfounded by her actions.

Her attitude is completely immaterial to your situation. You go to a lawyer, work with him to draw up the divorce action and then have her served. You get a court date when you file the action so everything is in motion when you do this. Most states will require that you guys meet with a mediator to try to settle property & child support & alimony without a trial. Bend over backwards to get it settled and put this part of your life in your rear-view mirror. Get into counseling and work on your personal recovery from this - and be a good parent.

 

Why don't you understand this simple process? Me, along with many others, have spelled this out for you many times. It doesn't matter whether your wife agrees with or refuses to talk about any of this. You don't need her permission to move forward with the divorce.

[drifter777]

Wait until she leaves for the day and pack up all her things and call the OM tell him to come get them. Put them on the driveway. If she wants them back in the house let her pack it all in. There is no doubt you can't force her to leave but nothing says anything about making her life a living hell while she is there.

 

The other thing I would do is go out on dates. Spend your money on other women. You don't have to take anything seriously with these women but let her see your getting dressed up to leave. Let her wonder what the hell is going on.

 

In the mean while file and just peruse the divorce. In time it will sync in that she is no long wanted or needed.

 

None of these but the last one our some of my best ideas but its more of a knee jerk reaction to seeing your thread and how much stuff she keeps putting you through.

 

Clay

OP - don't do any of these things without asking your lawyer. As Clay says - it's just his knee-jerk reaction to what you are going through as documented in this thread. We all understand his sentiments.

[bamawsp]

Her attitude is completely immaterial to your situation. You go to a lawyer, work with him to draw up the divorce action and then have her served. You get a court date when you file the action so everything is in motion when you do this. Most states will require that you guys meet with a mediator to try to settle property & child support & alimony without a trial. Bend over backwards to get it settled and put this part of your life in your rear-view mirror. Get into counseling and work on your personal recovery from this - and be a good parent.

 

Why don't you understand this simple process? Me, along with many others, have spelled this out for you many times. It doesn't matter whether your wife agrees with or refuses to talk about any of this. You don't need her permission to move forward with the divorce.

 

As I've stated previously, I am meeting with my attorney to file for divorce on Wednesday. I've given her every reason to be cooperative but she resists. Now it's time to move forward.

 

As for the AP, Karma will get him in some fashion. He just thinks he is the smartest person in the room. My WS has to live with her choices

[stillafool]

You are right Karma will get him in the end. He will not go unscathed. He will probably lose his wife and family in the end and he certainly will not want your wife if it comes to that. She will feel even more like a fool.

[bamawsp]

You are right Karma will get him in the end. He will not go unscathed. He will probably lose his wife and family in the end and he certainly will not want your wife if it comes to that. She will feel even more like a fool.

 

He is a 47 year old never been married troll with bad dental hygiene. Physically, my wife is out of his league but he has managed to build a fortress around her.

 

I'll admit, my self esteem has taken a major hit on this one. A drugged out Frodo has managed to pervade my family and dictate policy.

 

It is astonishing.

[PegNosePete]

I'll admit, my self esteem has taken a major hit on this one. A drugged out Frodo has managed to pervade my family and dictate policy.

No he hasn't. This is nothing to do with him. The decision was entirely your wife's, she is an adult and is responsible for her own actions. It's nothing to do with OM, and nothing to do with you. It's all on HER.

 

Sure he is a d-bag, a-hole and all kinds of other names, for doing what he's done. But the entire responsibility of what your wife has done, rests on her shoulders alone.

[LifesontheUp]

Does it matter if he is out of her league or not. She made her bed so she should lie in it.

 

Get your divorce done and put your kids as priority. Listen to your lawyer

[autumnnight]

When your need to punish overrides everything else, you make dumb, knee jerk decisions. Be cautious of this and of any force that cheers on, directs, or encourages actions that rational, mainstream people would consider appalling.

 

Focus on your kids as your kids and their dad, not through the lens of vengeance.

[oldshirt]

Have you discussed this with your lawyer????

 

 

Have you discussed this with a counselor or therapist???

 

 

Is any trained, objective professional advising you to do this??? If no professional who is being paid to be objective and to advise you on what is the best course to take for your own long term well being is advising you to do this - why are you doing it???

 

 

If she loses her job before you are divorced, you will likely have to pay her spousal support. so I don't think your lawyer is advising you to do this.

 

 

When you go all Godfather on her, it will have a negative impact on your children and your relationship with her family which will be another important link in the well being of your children so I don't think any counselor/therapist would advise using the Godfather as a frame of reference for dealing with a divorce.

 

 

Please use the recommendations of objective, educated, trained professionals who's professional background is dealing with divorces to guide your actions. If you are doing something against their counsel or completely without their foreknowledge or recommendation, it will most likely bite you in the ass and cause unnecessary chaos and trouble.

[SaveYourHeart]

Prepare yourself for a knockout drag out in your divorce. She will scream and holler and paint horrible stories about you in front of a judge. Make sure you have every single ounce of evidence possible to strengthen your case. Mediation is often required, but your attorney can simply go in, pay for the minimum hours and say that you aren't budging on your case. Best of luck to you, I truly hope that you are given primary physical custody of your children.

[oldshirt]

I've asked her to leave and she has said no. The OM rents a 1 bedroom apartment. She lives is a nice home with her family. It is the strangest thing I've ever seen.

 

 

 

She's a druggie, she's going to do strange and stupid things. We've all pointed this out before. Her brain is not working right because it's filled with toxic chemicals.

 

 

Get off of worrying about what she and the OM are doing and do what your lawyer tells you about the divorce and all the legal issues. The lawyer is the professional divorce expert here, not you. Do what your lawyer says to the letter and do not do anything else.

 

 

This is why we have lawyers and counselors and therapists and doctors and plumbers and mechanics and electricians etc etc etc It's because when people are upset, they do stupid things in the heat of the moment. We have objective, trained professionals because they can evaluate the situation objectively and pick the proper course of action that will have the most long term benefit and the least amount of damage.

 

 

Follow your lawyers instructions and if you have a great idea that your lawyer doesn't sign off on it and give you the unrestricted green light, DONT DO IT!!

 

 

You are not objective and rational right now in this state and anything you do on your own is going to be the wrong answer. This is why we hire lawyers when we are divorcing. We pay other people who have 10 years of education and are objective to advise us on what is most efficatious course of action.

 

 

Please start doing that.

[elaine567]

The more I learn about my WS's AP, the sicker it gets. I am going to serve my WS with divorce papers simultaneously as I serve her AP with a protective order to keep him away from me and my kids. That should make for tremendous office fodder since they work together. On that same day, the owner of the company will receive detailed text records that demonstrates fraternization during work hours.

 

It will be reminiscent of the baptism scene in The Godfather....

Cringe.

 

The vampire is in total control of her actions. I read a Facebook message from him to her that claims she isn't unstable for what she is doing. She is setting a great example for her three daughters. She can't let him go because she is afraid of the unknown. Her entire family structure has alienated her due to this vampire but she still maintains a relationship. I don't know why she doesn't just move in with the guy. He has never been accountable to her but she is fully vested with him. My wife had a terrible childhood and just recently lost a close mother figure to a murder. These are triggers to affairs but she can't shake them. Her own parents have said to force her to hit rock bottom because she has a history of this type of behavior. Shock and Awe is the only thing that will save her life in the long run. I want her cleaned up so she can be the viable mother she once was. And yes I want the vampire to suffer as well.

 

Your wife had a terrible childhood and has recently lost a close mother figure in a very traumatic way. She may even be suffering from a form of PTSD there. The relatives and friends of murder victims go through hell.

She enters into this EA with this OM (no actual proof of a PA) and I guess she is now self medicating with drugs. She will be in a dreadful state emotionally and you wonder why she is clinging to the only person who has not abandoned her here?

YOU abandoned her when you called her a whore in front of her children, so why on earth you think she is going to come back to you as a "viable mother" when you continue to act like the big bad wolf, I have no idea. Yes, when people are grieving you hit them on the head with a big club, that works.

Every nasty deed you do, just makes her hate you more, do you not understand?

On the one hand, she has a nice guy who talks to her and understands, on the other hand she has you, YOU who is determined to wreck everything including his own children's lives. Who wins there?

 

By carrying on like Rambo seeking revenge, smashing all in front of him to bits, you will not be seen as the good guy in this, you will be seen as the nutter husband, she was justified in leaving when she was going through a very traumatic stage her life.

 

If you truly want her back in your life as a wife and a mother to your kids, then you are going to have to be a bit cleverer than you are being at the moment.

[Jethro]

OMG!!! Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT GET HER FIRED!!! The very last thing on earth you want is for her to lose her income. Do not let your emotions run amok here... you need to think about staying whole financially as well as emotionally. Look, marriage is a business, plain and simple. If your business is failing, you do not sabotage the exit strategy at all.

 

 

Self preservation man... that is what it is all about now.

[beach]

If your W is earning money then that divorce settlement works in your favor.

 

If she's unemployed then you may get even more screwed.

 

You want her working while you divorce.

[bamawsp]

Cringe.

 

 

 

Your wife had a terrible childhood and has recently lost a close mother figure in a very traumatic way. She may even be suffering from a form of PTSD there. The relatives and friends of murder victims go through hell.

She enters into this EA with this OM (no actual proof of a PA) and I guess she is now self medicating with drugs. She will be in a dreadful state emotionally and you wonder why she is clinging to the only person who has not abandoned her here?

YOU abandoned her when you called her a whore in front of her children, so why on earth you think she is going to come back to you as a "viable mother" when you continue to act like the big bad wolf, I have no idea. Yes, when people are grieving you hit them on the head with a big club, that works.

Every nasty deed you do, just makes her hate you more, do you not understand?

On the one hand, she has a nice guy who talks to her and understands, on the other hand she has you, YOU who is determined to wreck everything including his own children's lives. Who wins there?

 

By carrying on like Rambo seeking revenge, smashing all in front of him to bits, you will not be seen as the good guy in this, you will be seen as the nutter husband, she was justified in leaving when she was going through a very traumatic stage her life.

 

If you truly want her back in your life as a wife and a mother to your kids, then you are going to have to be a bit cleverer than you are being at the moment.

 

 

She has been screwing this guy for at least 4 years. She admitted it. Other than that I don't have any proof.

 

There is a reason I'm posting what I'm posting to get advice I know you feel she has carte blanche to destroy her family but I have children to think of. I will do exactly what my attorney tells me to do. So hang in there Elaine, your feminism is better suited in other places......

[elaine567]

She has been screwing this guy for at least 4 years. She admitted it. Other than that I don't have any proof.

 

There is a reason I'm posting what I'm posting to get advice I know you feel she has carte blanche to destroy her family but I have children to think of. I will do exactly what my attorney tells me to do. So hang in there Elaine, your feminism is better suited in other places......

 

My "feminism" as you call it, is a red herring here.

I have never said anyone has a carte blanche to destroy a family, but what I have seen almost from your very first post is a desire by yourself to split your family wide open and to hell with the consequences, revenge appears to be your motto.

As other non "feminists" here have also said, your course of action is not objective and rational, keep going on this path at your peril.

[Clay]

My "feminism" as you call it, is a red herring here.

I have never said anyone has a carte blanche to destroy a family, but what I have seen almost from your very first post is a desire by yourself to split your family wide open and to hell with the consequences, revenge appears to be your motto.

As other non "feminists" here have also said, your course of action is not objective and rational, keep going on this path at your peril.

 

I am one of those guys that is probably to quick to just pull the cord. I do have to say it is nice to have a opposing view from time to time just to see the other side. I do think however on this thread OP doesn't seem like one of those guys that wants this rubbed in his face as his Wife is currently doing.

 

Not everyone can reconcile. I tried for years and it just drove me crazy and she just kept her cheating going. She still believes to this day she never cheated on me. Some people are just so screwed up that even if you wanted to help them you cant.

 

I think in OP's case its best he just files for divorce and asks the courts for full custody and the marital home. Give her some money to start her life some where else with good visitation rights as long as she can test clean on a drug test. I would also push for her to be in counseling.

 

As for me responding to your post I just wanted to say I don't always agree with you but I am sure glad your there helping people keep things in check.

 

Clay

[truncated]

Whatever reason she may or may not have for acting the way she currently is acting is irrelevant. If your wife is doing the things you claim, then she should not have custody of your kids, and it's best for you to keep things going along smoothly and show that you are being logical, clearheaded and pragmatic.

 

To be frank, right now the reason she is acting why she does don;t matter. That can be addressed at a later point in time, and hopefully, she get herself back to a place where she can be a good mom again. Right now, she can't do that, and your kids shouldn't have to suffer because of it.