Lacking close friends with common interests

[chris58]

Hello,

 

I'm a 23 year old guy, uni student/part-time work, pretty hard-working, love it all, and got a few hobbies I get a lot of pleasure from, life's pretty good. I go out and socialise with other people a fair bit, but what I've come to realise recently is that I don't think I have anyone I'd call really close friends. When I'm out with other people it's almost always a large group (say, at least six people, usually more), and we tend to go and *do something*, because we all happen to want to do that thing, rather than because ... well, I don't get it, whatever reason it is that other people "just hang out".

 

I have all these different groups of people I do things with ... I have uni classmates, and I have workmates who I get on great with, and I have a great bunch of guys I play football with a few times a week. I couldn't hope to play football with a nicer bunch of guys, or work with a nicer bunch of guys, or go to class with a nicer bunch of guys, and I'm basically always enjoying myself. I share one common interest with all of these groups of people, but I think the thing I'm missing out on is that there isn't really anyone who shares *all* ... or even *most* ... or maybe even *many* ... of my interests and values. Most of the guys I play football with, for example, wouldn't even have a clue what I'm studying, and don't really know me outside of the football context (nor I them). There isn't much overlap or interaction between the various groups I socialise with at all. So what I was getting at at the end of the first paragraph was that I go out with my football friends *to play football*, and have a great time with them, and then basically go home, and don't really talk to them again until our next game; and I go to work and have a great time doing work that I love with people I really like too; I don't really talk about anything except work with them, but there's no one I'd rather talk about work with.

 

In contrast, I notice that a lot of other people seem to have smaller groups of two or three friends, who they share a lot of their lives with. Sometimes people mention to me the way they ring up a friend at night "just to chat" or "because they were bored", and talk for an hour, or give someone a call just to "hang out" for an afternoon because they didn't have anything else to do. I never do this sort of thing, and I don't think there's anyone I could ask out of the blue if they want to go and see a movie with me this afternoon, for example, just because I was bored. I have contact with people when it's part of doing something else, not just for the sake of it.

 

It's hard to complain I guess because like I've said I enjoy everything I do so it's hard to put my finger on what I'd change, but I get the feeling I'm missing out on something. I'd like to have someone who really *knows me*, knows silly little useless things about me (eg. knows my siblings' names, knows which days of the week I'm at uni and which days I'm at work, knows what's in the glovebox of my car, recognises my mobile ringtone when it rings in a crowd) ... not just people who know that I'm a mid-fielder (which my football friends know), or how I went with that last uni assignment (which my uni friends know), but not much more. Most people seem to have a few people who know those little sorts of things about them, right?

 

Does that make sense? Admittedly I probably do have a fairly unusual/varied mix of interests, which makes it less likely for me to meet people who will share lots of them. But has anyone else found themselves in a similar sort of situation? Any advice?

[westernxer]

I feel like I'm reading into my own life... I'm the exact same way. Not many close associates, but that's okay. I used to hang out with people from work, but I won't do that anymore... too many of them have a chip on their shoulder or just want to know which co-workers are sleeping together. It's a real downer, but it's been better since I quit.

 

Before injuries had their say, I was a heavy footballer myself (*ahem* soccer), but once the games ended I never said a word to any of them. I simply unlaced my boots, said "later," and drove away. Week in and week out it was always the same, and even when I did force myself to stick around for some male bonding, it was a wasted effort... I had better conversations with a book.

 

I've accepted that this is what my life is about... few, if any, close friends, but lots of acquaintances for different activities, pending on what I feel like doing at the moment. Whenever I'm in the mood for a movie I just go, since no one I know likes what I like, most of the time. I've been this way since my last two years of college, and that was nearly ten years ago.

 

Sounds like you have a full and interesting life... you're footballing (I envy you, bad ankles and all), you like your job, and you're not afraid to examine yourself for weaknesses (even if you're not sure how to fix them).

 

If you like what you're doing, then no need to change anything. Some people hang out because of need. If there's no need, then godspeed. It's better this way, since they can't intrude on your personal space, which they'll inevitably do. But you never know... you might run into a couple guys who are really cool. It's all about chemistry, just like on the pitch.

[utterlyheartbroken]

Chris I know EXACTLY what you mean and are saying. Isn't it always the way though that someone who actually gets what you are saying and they are clear across the other side of the country? I live in the United States of America (to be exact the state of Indiana) and you live in England and yet we both know exactly what it feels like and what we need and we can't get that with each other because we live from other countries. What I mean is this. If you called me up and said, "hey I'm bored let's go out to a movie or go for a walk and talk," in a heart beat I'd say, "I'm there." Isn't that always the way. The closest I've ever been to England is that I share the same birthday as Prince William and the library that my mom works at has a woman that has come from England. That's it. I've never been to it. That's the closest I've ever gotten. How pathetic is that. And even if I wanted and could go I wouldn't because I'm so afraid of heights. I couldn't get myself on a plane even if I was sedated.

 

Sincerely,

Elizabeth