Is he busy or am I too needy?

[dookie7]

I've been in an LDR for 11 months. He doesn't like talking on the phone and I'm not that big of a fan so we only text and message each other. When we first started going out, he was great and we would talk all the time and I felt included into his life (sending me lots of photos, talking about his family etc). We would text each other every day pretty much without fail.

 

However, he has said this month (March) is pretty busy for him: conferences, new staff to train up etc. So I knew that the amount of time we would spend messaging each other would be limited. That being said, we hardly talk at all. I've talked to him that I need more communication from him (this was about a week ago, although its been an issue long before that) and he said that he agreed and would try to work on that.

 

But that lasted like 2 days and then its kind of near non-existent now. I try to probe to get conversations out of him (I don't expect immediate replies, I know he has work etc) but he either gives short, dead end answers, or nothing at all, sometimes not replying for hours on end when I know he is at home doing practically nothing. I asked him if I should not text him during those times but his reply was 'you can if you want".

 

I'm trying to give him some space and benefit of doubt that he is just busy, but I doesn't sit right with me. Should I just back off and give him some time to get through his busy schedule or is there a cause for me to feel neglected?

 

I hope I made myself clear but if not please let me know.

[d0nnivain]

Bust is one thing but to almost stop communicating is extreme. Do you get to see each other IRL? Frankly I don't understand how you can maintain a relationship through texts.

[dookie7]

we see each other once a month for a weekend (he works full time and I'm in my final semester of uni). I plan to find work where he is and move cities.

 

We say good morning and good night to each other every day, but its the other stuff thats difficult. He doesn't initiate conversation and when I try to, he answers really simply or he doesn't engage (very dead end answers). I've told him I need more communication from him and he said he will try but after a couple good days, its back to the way it was before. But I don' want to jump the gun if he is truly busy, but I just fail to understand how someone can be so so busy that they can't even ask how my day was (without me asking first).

Edited March 16, 2015 by dookie7

[d0nnivain]

You are still in school. He has a FT job. He doesn't have the level of flexibility you do. If you are still getting good morning & goodnight messages, plus you see each other at the weekends, you may be too needy. just because we have the technology to be connected 24/7 doesn't mean we are obligated to or that it's a good idea.

[dookie7]

We don't see each other every weekend, just about once a month or so. I realise he isn't as flexible as I am, I'm not asking for immediate replies, but I mean is that, there are times I know he isn't doing anything except being at home (mostly during weekends) that I would like more than just a good morning and goodnight. But he never initiates any conversations, even if I would leave him all day until I go to bed.

[d0nnivain]

But he never initiates any conversations, even if I would leave him all day until I go to bed.

 

 

Have you told him that his failure to initiate upsets you? If you have but he still doesn't reach out, you may not be important enough to him.

[kendahke]

I think the shelf life has run out on this.

 

If he's sitting around doing nothing and can't return a text, then you've dropped way down on his priority list--down past whatever it is he's doing or not doing at that time.

 

Might be a good idea to reconsider the wisdom of this. It takes less than :30 to send a text... :30 out of 24 hours, mind you.

[justwhoiam]

he either gives short, dead end answers, or nothing at all, sometimes not replying for hours on end when I know he is at home doing practically nothing.

Have you tried to call him when he's supposed to be home doing nothing? You never know what you can find out with one quick, simple action.

[An0nymiss666]

I'll give you my experience with this situation. It didn't end well.

 

We dated for a year before he moved. We weren't long distance to begin with. He ended up getting a great job in another state. We were going to make it work until I could move there but we didn't even make it that far. I visited him about a month after he moved and I thought things were great. A couple of weeks later, he completely changed.

 

It sounds very similar to what you're going through. He said he was busy with work, going through new training, etc. Which was probably true, but he didn't work any more or less than before. I tried to confront him numerous times but he refused to address it further than that, or he'd say "I'm not talking about this right now." I gave him the benefit of the doubt and waited for him to text me, hoping he "wasn't that busy" sometimes. Nothing changed. I had to initiate the conversation and barely got anything back from him. I tried calling him when I knew he couldn't possibly be doing anything and he'd ignore my calls and suddenly he "hated talking on the phone." Even if that was true, he never said that before and we used to talk on the phone occasionally even when we lived in the same area. So he WAS sitting around doing nothing and he couldn't even be bothered with me.

 

Obviously something changed. Either he was cheating on me and starting to do things with other people, or just didn't want to be with me anymore. I let this drag out for way too long, after wanting to dump him for a month, but I didn't. Finally he called me to break up with me but didn't really give me a good reason. So that's that.

 

Trust me, if someone really wants you around, they will make time and look forward to that. I used to work 10 hour days in a BUSY doctors office and legitimately didn't have time to text people or anything like that. I didn't even have my phone on me. When I got out of work I was busy making dinner, winding down, doing laundry, etc. and I STILL MADE TIME. I looked forward to getting out of work so I could talk to my boyfriend, my friends, etc. So that's a really bad sign.

 

I know you probably won't do it, but you're better off dumping this guy before he dumps you. Things do gradually change over time as you transition from the beginning of your relationship, but you have been together for a while. If something suddenly changes like that, especially after being together a while, something is wrong.

[emi]

Well you would rather want to be a dumper who already be dumped than a dumpee right?

[MoreFire]

Wouldn't waste my time ,the busy excuse is just lame ,something or somebody else is keeping "busy" . Stop communicating and let it burn.

[smackie9]

It's not that he doesn't like to talk on the phone, he just doesn't want to talk to you. Lets face it, the relationship is nowhere near like it was. Your relationship has run it's course and he has lost interest. LDR's seem like a great idea at first, but gets old. It's old, and it's time to move on.

[mineral27]

I'd say not to jump to conclusions, don't make assumptions.

 

Me and my friends have been in similar situation like yours. All relationships, perhaps LDR even more so, have their ups and downs, better periods and not so good ones. First sign of something not being the way it's supposed to be doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is going down the road, or that he doesn't care. From what I've seen, it was more often the panic or jealousy of a needy partner that caused the relationship to end, not the distance.

 

It might be really busy time for him, but even more important, it might be a very stressful time (as he told you he has a really busy month) and stress often makes people pull away, even from loved ones. Well, sometimes especially from loved ones, if they feel pressured from them, too (neediness, even if only perceived).

 

So, my opinion would be: give him space and give him the benefit of the doubt. Try to be understanding and try not to have any black scenarios in mind. If you do your best, then you can't blame yourself for whatever happens. Only with some more time (and a calm mind) you'll be able to clearly see where the relationship is going, if he perhaps really lost interest or is he only going through a stressful period.

 

I don't understand how can anyone reading your post just jump to conclusion "Dump him, before he dumps you" - except if they have never been in LDR, or any serious relationship at all.

Give him the benefit of the doubt, do your best (for your own sake) and you will see with time how things are standing.

Edited March 24, 2015 by mineral27

[An0nymiss666]

I dont know if any of that was directed at anybody. But my post WAS MY EXPERIENCE with a LDR when this same thing happened. If you read my post you would know that.

 

I gave it time. I gave him space. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I thought it WAS being busy or being stressed out. I waited and was as loving and as understanding as I possibly could've been. Yes he might've been busy or stressed or a whole array of things. Another point I made, as well as most other people, was regardless of any of those things, you should still make time and look forward to talking to or being with your significant other. We all have those bad days where we just want to be left alone or not talk to anybody. But it shouldn't be every day for an extended period of time with no end. I let this drag on far past my gut feelings of the relationship being over and should've dumped him when I first thought about it instead of assuming things would change after so long of him acting this way.

 

We're telling this girl our opinions because we've been through it all. Yes, every situation is different, but we aren't jumping to any conclusions. We can't make anyone do anything. I wouldn't want anybody to go through what I did. So I explained what happened in my situation.

 

He doesn't seem to be THAT occupied and also doesn't seem to care whether or not she talks to him. "You can if you want" like what is that? Okay, and what if I don't talk to him...? Not a fantastic or reassuring sign.

[mineral27]

I wasn't aiming at anyone specifically and I'm sorry if my post offended anyone, that wasn't my intention. All I wanted to point out is that, when we read someone else's story, sometimes we immediately respond like we know exactly what would be the best to do for the OP, because we tend to speak on the basis of our experience. Sometimes we perceive OP's situation the same as our own past situation and perhaps give some bold advice that could do more harm than good - but that again is only my opinion.

 

We only know the OP's side of story and the story might be quite different if we heard it from her boyfriend as well. Before anyone attacks me that I think OP is lying or dramatizing - NO, of course I don't think so - but it's a fact people see the same situation in a very different light, and yes, it could be even more so because of stress. Stress could also cause the weird behaviour (if that goes on for prolonged period of time, that's a different story then).

 

All I wanted to say is that my advice would be not to rush to break up (Why ruin the relationship with a great guy because of one month that was hard?), but of course not to delay it either (if that's where the relationship is really heading after all), but to use common sense - and not give in to black scenarios and doubts, until they are confirmed.

 

OP: since your bf said March is busy time for him, maybe his schedule will normalize soon and he goes back to being his usual self? If he doesn't, perhaps you could try to talk to him about this, when you are sure he has time and that you are more or less calm at that moment (not when you're most angry or sad about the situation).

Edited March 24, 2015 by mineral27