Struggling

[m4p]

I came here because I am struggling and everybody's words and experiences here just struck a chord with what I am going through right now too.

 

It's been 1 month+ since "D-day" (xMM wife found out he was lying but not extent of whole A so we broke off to salvage his marriage) and I have been facing a lot of "2 steps forward, 1 step back" days. Some days I am fine, some days I just cry at the lamest things. The pain is still fresh and I just cannot get rid of the heavy weight I am feeling. the only consolation is at least I can feel myself moving forward in baby steps.

 

Having said that, we broke NC. Yeah. Agreed to NC on D-day. I didn't block his number or what because we mutually agreed to basically not keep in contact anymore and I stuck to it. we are not on each other social media.

 

So anyway recently xMM suddenly called me from work and asked me how am I doing. Unsurprisingly, it brought back a whole load of grief because it just made me so ashamed to realize just how desperate i was actually from hearing from him.

I don't think he was trying to give me hope or eat cake or trying to establish anything. He basically told me he knew he shouldn't have reached out but he was really worried. and he just needed to know how was I coping and asked if I am having nightmares and panic attacks.

 

That kinda killed me because I AM actually having nightmares and panic attacks as I always do when I am stressed, I just didn't get to tell him anymore, but he guessed as much. Is it pathetic that I was happy to hear his voice again? He kept saying sorry for calling and I told him very sadly that I don't know what he was trying to achieve by calling me but inside I was glad we got to speak again.

 

So anyway we agreed (again) to not contact each other so as to really help ourselves. He have been clear about choosing to work on his marriage and in all honesty I really do want him to have a happy marriage from now on. At the very least I am out of the picture and the rest is up to him and them to sort out any problems they have.

 

One last thing is that he asked if he wonders is it possible if we stay legit friends in near future. As in we can contact through "legit ways" and meet up for a meal as friends aka nothing to hide from his W. No more secret texting app/secret meetup/secret emails.

 

I told him it's not possible at the moment or even near future. Because he knows and I knows that at the state we are in right now, the moment we contact or meetup, it will be back to square 1 of initial attraction, whether was it "legit" or not. And I told him "Wasn't that how we started? as friends? with normal meetups and one thing led to another? are you being selfish now by wanting to keep me in your life when you know how difficult it is to end this?"

 

It was difficult but I know what I should and should not do. cried and cried and cried after hanging up for the final time...

 

I have been filling up my days with plans so that I have no time to think. going out with friends almost every weekend.. go to the beach.. go to the gym.. going for a short trip.. it is making me exhausted lol not happier.

 

I don't know what else can I do. I miss him so much and I can't help how I feel. it is still very painful. I am okay but I am not okay too. just feels like I am holding everything in and will explode anytime.

 

sorry just needed to get it all out....

[Friskyone4u]

M4p

First of all, you need to get back to NC, block his numbers and do not fall for this crap. You got involved in a situation that very rarely has any happy outcome and you need to accept that. If you stay away from him the pain will eventually go away but each time you break NC you will make this more difficult.

Now I'll speak to you as a man. If you read a lot of stories on this or any forum dealing with infidelity , you will find very few men who desperately want to "be friends" with their OW to the point that they put their marriage in more jeopardy by insisting on staying in contact as "friends" the real motivation is that he wants to be able to at some point when all of this dies down to be able to get in your pants again or have the opportunity to try . You are in a fog and I know you are convinced it is because he cares about you so much . DONT BELIEVE IT!!!!

You thinking he is telling his wife he'd like to remain friends with you . I doubt it.

He has put out feelers to see if he can keep you on the hook while he lets his wife cool off.

So you have two choices. The first one is to hold on to this Disneyland notion that you can become his mistress again and ride happily off into the sunset . The second and more healthy one is to endure the pain , extricate this man from your life , and find a single eligible man to give you affection to rather than sit around and sneak around for years to come.

I also urge you not to enter into any relationships right now until you can be a safe partner for a nice guy you may meet and that means not secretly sitting around waiting around for your AP and then immediately become a cheater again . I hope you make th me right choice

[Popsicle]

Well, it was nice of him to call but you know it can't go on. I would wish him well and tell him to look me up if he ever gets divorced.

[Satu]

*I have been filling up my days with plans so that I have no time to think. going out with friends almost every weekend.. go to the beach.. go to the gym.. going for a short trip.. *it is making me exhausted lol not happier.

 

I don't know what else can I do. I miss him so much and I can't help how I feel. it is still very painful. I am okay but I am not okay too. just feels like I am holding everything in and will explode anytime.

 

sorry just needed to get it all out....

 

*Don't try to avoid your thoughts and feelings. That resistance just creates conflict and tension inside of you.

 

Allow your thoughts to come and go naturally, and do the same with your feelings.

 

You will find that there are nuggets of understanding and realisation in there which will help with your recovery.

 

If you block the painful feelings, you are at the same time blocking any good feelings which are being formed.

 

What you resist, persists.

[SleekArchitecture]

I wish I could know and say he really cares, but this thread is mimicking several others this week with MM calling and asking if they could remain friends, and not to sound too negative, but I believe it really translates as friends with possible future sexual favors.

 

I have come to my own understanding that I think enough is enough comes when anything they have to offer becomes extremely insulting.

[Ronnie33]

My two year has just ended and I know how you feel. I miss the emotional connection more then anything. I wish it was possible to stay friends but the truth is I don't want to hear about his life and how he's moving on while I still love him. It's not a real friendship, it's an EA that will only keep you connected. The only way out is to move forward alone. I know it hurts but I just keep telling myself that he'll never be mine and loving eachother won't change that.

[SleekArchitecture]

I was thinking about this today, the friends issue. I would advise the next time an ex affair partner asks to be friends, I would tell them that the term friends means something extremely deep and personal to me and before I could make that decision, I would like for them to deeply elaborate and give me all ABCs of what friendship means to them in their life.

 

This would surely give heads up to what their true meaning and intentions are and would be slightly on the humor side to see how fast or how little something of deep substance comes out of the conversation.

[Ronnie33]

Exactly. Friends want to share personal things about what is going on in their lives and relationship and all that. When you are in love someone you don't want to hear about their relationship. It's a fake friendship because you don't want to hear any of that stuff and have to pretend like you care when you don't!!

 

We tried the friends thing a million times, I finally woke up and realized we both were using that as an excuse to keep in touch and prolong it.

[the_artist_1970]

I came here because I am struggling and everybody's words and experiences here just struck a chord with what I am going through right now too.

 

It's been 1 month+ since "D-day" (xMM wife found out he was lying but not extent of whole A so we broke off to salvage his marriage) and I have been facing a lot of "2 steps forward, 1 step back" days. Some days I am fine, some days I just cry at the lamest things. The pain is still fresh and I just cannot get rid of the heavy weight I am feeling. the only consolation is at least I can feel myself moving forward in baby steps.

 

Having said that, we broke NC. Yeah. Agreed to NC on D-day. I didn't block his number or what because we mutually agreed to basically not keep in contact anymore and I stuck to it. we are not on each other social media.

 

So anyway recently xMM suddenly called me from work and asked me how am I doing. Unsurprisingly, it brought back a whole load of grief because it just made me so ashamed to realize just how desperate i was actually from hearing from him.

I don't think he was trying to give me hope or eat cake or trying to establish anything. He basically told me he knew he shouldn't have reached out but he was really worried. and he just needed to know how was I coping and asked if I am having nightmares and panic attacks.

 

That kinda killed me because I AM actually having nightmares and panic attacks as I always do when I am stressed, I just didn't get to tell him anymore, but he guessed as much. Is it pathetic that I was happy to hear his voice again? He kept saying sorry for calling and I told him very sadly that I don't know what he was trying to achieve by calling me but inside I was glad we got to speak again.

 

So anyway we agreed (again) to not contact each other so as to really help ourselves. He have been clear about choosing to work on his marriage and in all honesty I really do want him to have a happy marriage from now on. At the very least I am out of the picture and the rest is up to him and them to sort out any problems they have.

 

One last thing is that he asked if he wonders is it possible if we stay legit friends in near future. As in we can contact through "legit ways" and meet up for a meal as friends aka nothing to hide from his W. No more secret texting app/secret meetup/secret emails.

 

I told him it's not possible at the moment or even near future. Because he knows and I knows that at the state we are in right now, the moment we contact or meetup, it will be back to square 1 of initial attraction, whether was it "legit" or not. And I told him "Wasn't that how we started? as friends? with normal meetups and one thing led to another? are you being selfish now by wanting to keep me in your life when you know how difficult it is to end this?"

 

It was difficult but I know what I should and should not do. cried and cried and cried after hanging up for the final time...

 

I have been filling up my days with plans so that I have no time to think. going out with friends almost every weekend.. go to the beach.. go to the gym.. going for a short trip.. it is making me exhausted lol not happier.

 

I don't know what else can I do. I miss him so much and I can't help how I feel. it is still very painful. I am okay but I am not okay too. just feels like I am holding everything in and will explode anytime.

 

sorry just needed to get it all out....

 

The best thing you can do for him and yourself is to tell him that real "friends" don't have to hind their friendships with other ppl from their spouses. Being friend means that you don't have to deceive others to maintain the friendship.

[whichwayisup]

One last thing is that he asked if he wonders is it possible if we stay legit friends in near future. As in we can contact through "legit ways" and meet up for a meal as friends aka nothing to hide from his W. No more secret texting app/secret meetup/secret emails.

 

That's extremely selfish of him to want that. It's unfair and cruel to his wife and to you. Also there's NO way in hell she will allow him to have a legit friendship with you! And any friendship will prevent you from letting go of him, and finding someone else.

 

Keep NC going. Time to block him on all social media and your cell too.

[m4p]

So you have two choices. The first one is to hold on to this Disneyland notion that you can become his mistress again and ride happily off into the sunset . The second and more healthy one is to endure the pain , extricate this man from your life , and find a single eligible man to give you affection to rather than sit around and sneak around for years to come.

I also urge you not to enter into any relationships right now until you can be a safe partner for a nice guy you may meet and that means not secretly sitting around waiting around for your AP and then immediately become a cheater again . I hope you make th me right choice

 

Hey thanks for your words and I truly will bear that in mind. I have actually made up my mind to not wait around for him. In fact it's because of all these pain and happiness that have made me realise this is not what I want in my life. Perhaps day 1.. Or even 1 week after it ended I was much weaker mentally, and I would have been willing to go through all the pain and more just to have him back. BUT. After 1 month.. I have really realized what I do not want to go through again. I will not waver. I just have to ride this out. Thanks again for the kind words.

[m4p]

Well, it was nice of him to call but you know it can't go on. I would wish him well and tell him to look me up if he ever gets divorced.

 

Hello Popsicle here you are! Well.. The "problem" is I don't think I'll want him even if he does get divorced (which probably will never happen). This is an awful way to start a relationship if it will even happen. But anyway one lesson I learnt is that essentially I believe that not all xMM/MW involved in A are bad people. That's why I am glad that you acknowledged that he was nice to call. I think he probably regretted calling me too. I feel better now and believe that I can persevere and move on with my life. Thank you..

[m4p]

*Don't try to avoid your thoughts and feelings. That resistance just creates conflict and tension inside of you.

 

Allow your thoughts to come and go naturally, and do the same with your feelings.

 

You will find that there are nuggets of understanding and realisation in there which will help with your recovery.

 

If you block the painful feelings, you are at the same time blocking any good feelings which are being formed.

 

What you resist, persists.

 

Hallelujah! You have said something that really made me understand what I was feeling and trying to put into words but to no avail. I really really agree that penting it all up produces the opposite intended effect. It is mostly after crying fits and breaking down (in the car... At work... When I'm showering) that gave me moments of clarity and strength. It's strange isn't it how this works. All I read about is blocking it out and moving on and basically magically reach a stage of indifference while being "strong". I could never do it and I have no one to talk to or share this shameful part of my life. I can't tell families and I can't tell friends.... So I would like to remind myself to continue to heal while feeling this grief and letting myself come to terms with what is happening. Just like typing this long rant at work just now made me feel better. I cried again while driving home and then proceeded to eat the biggest meal I had in weeks because I was so hungry. Hurray to the return of my appetite and I hope I can feel better soon. Maybe the gaps between these episodes of pain will slowly widen until one day I can really smile and not be like this anymore. Thank you Satu..

[m4p]

My two year has just ended and I know how you feel. I miss the emotional connection more then anything. I wish it was possible to stay friends but the truth is I don't want to hear about his life and how he's moving on while I still love him. It's not a real friendship, it's an EA that will only keep you connected. The only way out is to move forward alone. I know it hurts but I just keep telling myself that he'll never be mine and loving eachother won't change that.

 

Hey Ronnie33, I had been lurking in your past threads and understand how you feel too. It's like a drug and I feel like I cannot breathe without hearing from him. Guess we are all creatures of habit and the routine formed in the past 2 years cannot be eradicated overnight. Just like you said, it will never be a true friendship. In my 2 years of A, we were like in our little bubble fantasy land. Zero mentions of the W and my then bf. I understand and know that there is no other way I should take. I don't think I can manage it if we were to be "friends". I don't want to be a part of his life anymore. I don't want to be a dirty little secret. It hurts but we all deserve better. *hugs* God knows when I'll waver again but for now I'll try my very best.

[m4p]

I wish I could know and say he really cares, but this thread is mimicking several others this week with MM calling and asking if they could remain friends, and not to sound too negative, but I believe it really translates as friends with possible future sexual favors.

 

I have come to my own understanding that I think enough is enough comes when anything they have to offer becomes extremely insulting.

 

I hope I'll reach that understanding soon... I guess its denial but I can't seem to think of him in a bad light. How sad is that!! I would welcome hatred and digest if I can muster it as it will help me so much better.. Haha. But recently I do feel that I have been starting to feel annoyed when I think of his attempt to show concern when he clearly knows the effect he has on me. Perhaps he wants me around in his life because he can't stand the thought of me being with other people. Perhaps not. But I will come to my own limits soon enough. I hope very soon!!

[m4p]

I wish I could know and say he really cares, but this thread is mimicking several others this week with MM calling and asking if they could remain friends, and not to sound too negative, but I believe it really translates as friends with possible future sexual favors.

 

I have come to my own understanding that I think enough is enough comes when anything they have to offer becomes extremely insulting.

 

The best thing you can do for him and yourself is to tell him that real "friends" don't have to hind their friendships with other ppl from their spouses. Being friend means that you don't have to deceive others to maintain the friendship.

 

That's exactly what he was offering.. Being "legit" friends without needing to hide from his W... I don't think it can be done. And I did not agree to it. We will probably slip back into intimacy and no matter how resolute he is right now to "do the right thing" etc no more cheating and lying to his W, we will and should never be friends again.

[m4p]

That's extremely selfish of him to want that. It's unfair and cruel to his wife and to you. Also there's NO way in hell she will allow him to have a legit friendship with you! And any friendship will prevent you from letting go of him, and finding someone else.

 

Keep NC going. Time to block him on all social media and your cell too.

 

I know I know......sigh. The whole A started on the basis of a lie. The A ended with a lie too as he did not come clean with his wife about the whole extent of the affair. All she probably knows is that he lied about his whereabouts. But people are not stupid. She probably knew what was going on. This is unfair to both her and me. He claims to be in deep pain and guilt. But if so why contact me again? I should never had even entertain the notion of a friendship. It will just end up as a lie again. I have just blocked him on my cell. We are not on each other social media in the first place so phew. Thank you Whichwayisup. I remember posting my first thread here 1 month ago after D-Day and you provided valuable advice. Cheers.

[Satu]

*Maybe the gaps between these episodes of pain will slowly widen until one day I can really smile and not be like this anymore.

 

Thats exactly what will happen

 

*****************************

 

From my journal:

 

 

Feel the feeling.

 

Be with yourself feeling the feeling.

 

Love yourself for being with yourself.

 

Love yourself for being.

[m4p]

Thats exactly what will happen

 

*****************************

 

From my journal:

 

 

Feel the feeling.

 

Be with yourself feeling the feeling.

 

Love yourself for being with yourself.

 

Love yourself for being.

 

Thanks Satu...... I'm riding it out......

 

Right now it's affecting my interactions with my family and even my performance at work.. I can't focus and I feel so highly strung all the time. I'm wondering is it time for me to go to therapy and is it necessary? I just feel so scared and in panic attack mode. Nightmares every night and heart pounding when I wake up. I know I'm getting better but it still affects me so much.

[Satu]

Thanks Satu...... I'm riding it out......

 

Right now it's affecting my interactions with my family and even my performance at work.. I can't focus and I feel so highly strung all the time. I'm wondering is it time for me to go to therapy and is it necessary? *I just feel so scared and in panic attack mode. Nightmares every night and heart pounding when I wake up. I know I'm getting better but it still affects me so much.

 

Therapy is one of your options. You could look into it and have a trial session. Most therapists are OK with that.

 

*I suspect that the cause of these feelings is something deeper, and older, than your immediate circumstances and recent events.

 

There is a reason why these feelings are crashing in on you so hard and persistently, and I think its something beneath your conscious awareness.

 

Therapy would be my first resort if I was feeling the way you are.

[Josmatjes]

Quote:

Originally Posted by m4p

*Maybe the gaps between these episodes of pain will slowly widen until one day I can really smile and not be like this anymore.

 

 

This is what has been happening to me.... First 3 weeks, then 7 weeks, It's getting easier every time. I still think of him but I'm not in as much pain anymore. You will get there and the beginning stages are the hardest. I was glued to this site and it really helped me a lot! ((( hugs)))

[m4p]

Quote:

Originally Posted by m4p

*Maybe the gaps between these episodes of pain will slowly widen until one day I can really smile and not be like this anymore.

 

 

This is what has been happening to me.... First 3 weeks, then 7 weeks, It's getting easier every time. I still think of him but I'm not in as much pain anymore. You will get there and the beginning stages are the hardest. I was glued to this site and it really helped me a lot! ((( hugs)))

 

That's great to here and I'm so looking forward to making the same progress. It's heartening to know that it's definitely doable. Thank you!! Being glued to LS is what I've been doing too.. From lurking.. To finding the initial support and reality checks from people undergoing the same thing. I hope you'll heal well and have a happy start from now on too. HUGS.

[m4p]

Therapy is one of your options. You could look into it and have a trial session. Most therapists are OK with that.

 

*I suspect that the cause of these feelings is something deeper, and older, than your immediate circumstances and recent events.

 

There is a reason why these feelings are crashing in on you so hard and persistently, and I think its something beneath your conscious awareness.

 

Therapy would be my first resort if I was feeling the way you are.

 

I think so too. I've been trying to figure it out but i guess i need a psychology degree to really understand it, LOL. Having said that it is probably repercussions from my past relationships as well as basically my own outlook towards life and morals in general. I will try to look for a therapist in my area and work towards moving on and preventing myself to make same mistakes again. cheers

[Poppy47]

That was an entirely selfish thing for him to do. He didn't care if he upset you all over again...HE was worried so HE had to find out.

 

Nah... just go back to NC and if he phones again, tell him to bugger off.

 

Poppy.

[m4p]

That was an entirely selfish thing for him to do. He didn't care if he upset you all over again...HE was worried so HE had to find out.

 

Nah... just go back to NC and if he phones again, tell him to bugger off.

 

Poppy.

 

Poppy..... I just hope he never calls again