bitterandjaded Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 I am new to this site but have read that most of you support a NC rule after the affair is over. I am just wondering why is NC always the best? Is there anyway you could stay friends with your MM after the affair if you were friends before it all started? I am wondering because my affair is over and now we sort of have a distance friendship where he texts me goodluck with my school stuff here and there. Far from what our friendship used to be but I am wondering if that is healthy or we need 0 contact at all. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Imagine that someone has robbed your house and beaten you to a pulp, and your spouse has promise the thief won't steal anymore, but can they hang out sometimes. How would you feel? Would you want your spouse to be friends with the person who was a party to hurting you? And how can he work on his marriage if he has contact with the person he used to destroy it? No, there is no good that comes of staying friends with an AP/MM/MW. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Its best because it protects you from being hurt again, and because it enables you to focus on your healing without distraction. Theres no rule which says you have to do it, but many have found it a big help. Link to post Share on other sites
SleekArchitecture Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 They are keeping you on a string for future play. If not, they would not have sent a simple text. They would have put the effort in calling you. When a man loves you, he cannot get enough of hearing your words, thoughts, and voice. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Presuming the affair was a love affair and not recreational sex without emotional attachment, NC functions very similar to when a breakup occurs, leaving space and disconnection to allow emotional healing and one to move on to other, healthy, relationships. Can you be friends with a former affair partner? Anything is possible. A lot depends upon the people involved and their relationships and how they define friendship. If that former milieu inhibits or disinclines you from hopping on a plane and visiting your friend and his family, or he yours, in my book that's not a friendship. I personally was able to develop a transparent friendship with a fMW, but that was after years of NC, her marriage ending and her kids being grown and having children of their own. Life had moved substantially down the road. Prior, it was black hole NC. Did it have to be? Nope. Neither could I have been a friend, at least by the standards I describe friendship. Nor could she. Small matter of husband and children. Actually, not a small matter. Big matter. Good luck! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 I don't have a firm rule about it, what's more important is what works for YOU. Take care of yourself in the best way possible, whether that's NC or slow fade or whatever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria_Smellons Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 I'm not going to disagree with anything anyone else has said, but I'll throw in my tuppence worth. I think NC if you are in a relationship is an absolute must, otherwise there is still an element of lying/betraying your spouse so how can you claim you've ever really moved on from it. This is just my opinion though. As a single OW myself I still believe NC is best as it gives you the distance from the emotions of the affair and allows you to start analysing things more objectively. Also, despite the fact the relationship isn't 'real' in a manner of speaking, you still need time to grieve its end. It's possible this would take even longer to grieve than a normal relationship because it all has to be done in private. I wouldn't say it is best for absolutely everyone, because people are different, but I would recommend it in most cases. The past makes you who you are, but I don't believe that means you should carry it around with you. Link to post Share on other sites
badpenny Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Because trust us, it truly beats the alternative. And the alternative will beat you to a pulp. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Lets see if you can answer your own question. HOW IS IT HEALTHY???? It appears you are single and he is married. I know you will not believe it but a mans brain does not operate like yours. As long as he remains in contact with you "as friends", in the back of his mind is the chance he can rekindle the sex and get in your pants again. And for you, do you plan on wasting your life away hoping he will leave his wife for you.??? If you date another single man, are you going to tell him that you are :just friends" with a guy you were having an affair with when he texts you or contacts you and your new boyfriend sees it. Or are you going to lie to your new relationship and tell him you never slept with him. The reason people and books say NC is because it is the only way to get off the drug, especially for women. men have an easier time once they know they are no longer going to get laid. Look at the board here. Not too many if any men yearning for their AP's once they have no sex anymore, but women all over the place. And the final little selling point for you. How about his wife and family. Is her telling her you two are still in contact. I doubt it. The next and only time you should have any contact with him again of any kind is when he brings you a copy of his divorce papers. Now when you get time, you can tell us all the positives of remaining in contact with him. Link to post Share on other sites
dubliner Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Presuming the affair was a love affair and not recreational sex without emotional attachment, NC functions very similar to when a breakup occurs, leaving space and disconnection to allow emotional healing and one to move on to other, healthy, relationships. Can you be friends with a former affair partner? Anything is possible. A lot depends upon the people involved and their relationships and how they define friendship. If that former milieu inhibits or disinclines you from hopping on a plane and visiting your friend and his family, or he yours, in my book that's not a friendship. Good luck! This ^^ 100% Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 I think the fact you are even asking means its probably not a good idea for you-JMO Link to post Share on other sites
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