SleekArchitecture Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 (edited) I have been reading all the pain and anguish and do know that well and really can relive that feeling through poster's written words. I feel a difference now and I do not feel imminent tears, but I do feel defeat. Defeat as you tried and tried year after year to reach that Olympic gold only to be disappointed time and time again. Completely defeated. I can finally admit I allowed myself to be gulled by a con artist. I am also feeling insulted, insulted at reliving the times he broke NC and offered the same ole same ole and breadcrumbs as if this was my only worth in his eyes. It is not a simple insult, but a deep insult, one of shame and anger while digesting. Edited March 16, 2015 by SleekArchitecture 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lookingforclosure Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Well mine hasn't broken down once and it's been two months now...I guess I see exactly what I meant to him...a big fat NOTHING 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Allow yourself to fully feel your feelings. Sadness, anger, whatever comes up. By feeling them, you are draining the hurt from your mind and body. Nothing you are thinking and feeling is wrong. It's a process. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Time is your best friend. Take time out for you. Once you start doing that you will see more clearly about the other things in your life. Don't be afaid to ask for help from family and friends. Avoid doing anything that will complicate things further in your life. Clay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnimon Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 I too felt that feeling of defeat but I realized it never was a fair fight so therefore retreat was the best option. You know if you think about it, all this pain we feel/have felt has taken and continues to take great strength and courage even though we feel weak. The AP on the other hand, are still in the same place, doing the same things, there is no strength or courage in that. We are the true champions. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 16, 2015 Author Share Posted March 16, 2015 I too felt that feeling of defeat but I realized it never was a fair fight so therefore retreat was the best option. You know if you think about it, all this pain we feel/have felt has taken and continues to take great strength and courage even though we feel weak. The AP on the other hand, are still in the same place, doing the same things, there is no strength or courage in that. We are the true champions. I like that, really like. Bring on the Wheaties. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovebug66 Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Sleek, You seem like a very smart and wonderful woman from your posts, someone I'd love to share a bottle of wine with I also sense how hard you are on yourself, and a twinge of perfectionism. I'm the same way. It is so easy to feel defeated when we can't make things work. And sometimes, even when I see I have made a mistake, I just keep trying to make that mistake right, because god forbid people see that I screwed up. Maybe that is why you stayed and accepted the bread crumbs too. I know this is easier said than done (believe me!), but don't look it as defeat, look at it as finally being true to yourself even if that isn't *perfect*. It takes time to get over the feelings and shame, but you will come out the other side so much better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 16, 2015 Author Share Posted March 16, 2015 Sleek, You seem like a very smart and wonderful woman from your posts, someone I'd love to share a bottle of wine with I also sense how hard you are on yourself, and a twinge of perfectionism. I'm the same way. It is so easy to feel defeated when we can't make things work. And sometimes, even when I see I have made a mistake, I just keep trying to make that mistake right, because god forbid people see that I screwed up. Maybe that is why you stayed and accepted the bread crumbs too. I know this is easier said than done (believe me!), but don't look it as defeat, look at it as finally being true to yourself even if that isn't *perfect*. It takes time to get over the feelings and shame, but you will come out the other side so much better. Ooooh, I would love too. Thank you. And you worded everything perfecto. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovebug66 Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Ooooh, I would love too. Thank you. And you worded everything perfecto. Yay, I always knew I was perfecto haha Have you heard of Brene Brown? She has some great books and also a lot of wonderful stuff on YouTube. The stuff she talks about is kinda scary (vulnerability, shame, perfection, love, belonging) but for me it is dead on. I think you would really like her and get a lot out of what she talks about 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 I feel your pain. But the best defense is to live a good life. Do things that make you a happier stronger person. Dwelling on how you feel now will only depress you. Believe me I was there and your self esteem takes a real nosedive and it does take awhile to build it back up but you can do it. Don't give someone else power over you. We all make mistakes, we are human. Learn from this and you will make better choices for you. You can do it.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria_Smellons Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Please don't feel defeated. This was never about winning or loosing. This is not about your failings or flaws. You loved someone who wasn't yours to love and tried in whatever way you could to make it work. We're human, we don't always make the logical choice because we feel, and think, and hurt, and hope. You may feel conned, but this gives you a chance to reflect, self examine, learn and change. You can come out of this a stronger and wiser person. You have a chance to plough forward and carve out the life you want. It hurts, and will hurt for a while, but ultimately life will be good. You are on your way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Snotra Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 I'm just lurker I guess but your posts really resonate with me after being here for a couple of years so I decided to register. I agree with the Brene Brown recommendation. I've read two books so far and I'm about to start the third. Your posts are like reading my own thought process. Maybe you've lost your true self along the way. That's how I feel. That's probably what feels the most defeating. Mostly I've been doing things that I truly enjoy, for myself, and for no other reason, and I can't tell you how much this has helped me, not only to enjoy life more but it's made me so much stronger getting to know myself again and being good to myself. Our time is so limited. I think when we prioritize our well being and happiness, only good can come of it. Keep posting!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 I'm just lurker I guess but your posts really resonate with me after being here for a couple of years so I decided to register. I agree with the Brene Brown recommendation. I've read two books so far and I'm about to start the third. Your posts are like reading my own thought process. Maybe you've lost your true self along the way. That's how I feel. That's probably what feels the most defeating. Mostly I've been doing things that I truly enjoy, for myself, and for no other reason, and I can't tell you how much this has helped me, not only to enjoy life more but it's made me so much stronger getting to know myself again and being good to myself. Our time is so limited. I think when we prioritize our well being and happiness, only good can come of it. Keep posting!!! Id be willing to bet the "problem" with that, At least from my perspective but probably from others as well is the temptation is you have all these new "firsts" and growth experiences and because you are still so ingrained so engrossed so enthralled with the relationship...all you wanna do is share..."look what I did" and "look how my life is progressing without you" I think the issue is you just keep thinking they would give a damb when they DON'T. I don't know how they move from a powerful daily bond but they do. Its some black magic genious they are able to flip the switch and transform their life back into husbandhood. Its crazy how fast the tables turn. Its really rough. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 16, 2015 Author Share Posted March 16, 2015 I'm just lurker I guess but your posts really resonate with me after being here for a couple of years so I decided to register. I agree with the Brene Brown recommendation. I've read two books so far and I'm about to start the third. Your posts are like reading my own thought process. Maybe you've lost your true self along the way. That's how I feel. That's probably what feels the most defeating. Mostly I've been doing things that I truly enjoy, for myself, and for no other reason, and I can't tell you how much this has helped me, not only to enjoy life more but it's made me so much stronger getting to know myself again and being good to myself. Our time is so limited. I think when we prioritize our well being and happiness, only good can come of it. Keep posting!!! This what you wrote is inspiring. Our time is limited, a very good point and I will check out the Brown reference. Link to post Share on other sites
Snotra Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Id be willing to bet the "problem" with that, At least from my perspective but probably from others as well is the temptation is you have all these new "firsts" and growth experiences and because you are still so ingrained so engrossed so enthralled with the relationship...all you wanna do is share..."look what I did" and "look how my life is progressing without you" I think the issue is you just keep thinking they would give a damb when they DON'T. I don't know how they move from a powerful daily bond but they do. Its some black magic genious they are able to flip the switch and transform their life back into husbandhood. Its crazy how fast the tables turn. Its really rough. You're right, it probably DOES start as resentment. Even if it starts how you've pointed out, after awhile it really doesn't matter. It really doesn't. You just keep going forward bit by bit. Yes, THEY go back and it hurts, but nothing changes unless you do. Link to post Share on other sites
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