Embarrassed and sad

[Rainbow00]

Hi everyone, first post here... Been reading many threads for quite some time though.

 

Some quick background, i am married and am now unfortunately deeply attached to a MM. We work in the same department but do not interact or see each other at all at work unless we make an effort to do so. This had been ongoing for 6 months, mostly an EA where we would chat extensively at work and via text after work. Physically no more than hugging, though he has made it known the interest to go further is there.

 

For the last few months his W has been suspicious so we cooled it off for a few weeks, talking regularly but much less. After an argument between him and I, he decided he no longer wanted to participate in this type of relationship but hoped we could still be friends. I told him if he wanted out it had to be NC. He respected my wishes.

 

I have been sticking to NC and have not seen or spoke to MM in about a month. I am still struggling so much with this though, I miss and think about him all day and keep wishing we didn't get into the argument. I know this is for the best but I can't help but feel lonely and sad all the time now. Part of me hopes that in a few months we could pick up where we left off, which is making it hard to let go completely. I have gotten so close to texting him and asking to talk again, because I miss him so much. I know that's a bad idea and it would also make me seem desperate and weak which is also why I've been able to hold back. But every day I feel my willpower wearing down and I am getting closer and closer to snapping and texting him. I don't even know what that would gain for me anyway, I know it would only prolong the hurt.

 

Guess I'm just venting...

[badpenny]

Let me tell you a broader scenario.

 

You don't say if you are married, but obviously, he is.

And he's obviously not 100% contented in his marriage, otherwise the notion of having a fling/affair would never have been mentioned or hinted at.

 

Two things:

ONE: you had to 'cool it' because his wife became suspicious, which tells you an important thing: he would have no compunction to leave her. he is willing to cool relations down, but not halt them, so he would be willing to have an affair, but he would also do so under the proviso of deceiving her - but not enough to warrant leaving her. So for him, this wouldn't be a serious commitment, it would be a distraction.

 

Secondly, your quarrel made him pull back because if he wants disharmony and discord, he can get that at home. Who needs to argue with a wife AND a mistress? Jeesh, all he wants is a fling, a feck and some fun! Your temperamental outburst was too close to home, perhaps, and too much like hard work.

 

Let me tell you what he's done.

He's moved on, and is looking for someone less intense to have some fun with. He thought it could be you, and it got close, but.... nah.

He's seeking a less argumentative, less involved, more easy-going laid-back (if you'll pardon the pun) potential.

 

Darling, you dodged a bullet, because this would have led you down the self-destructive path of being 'the bit on the side that comes to naught'.

[lookingforclosure]

Well I broke down 4 times and text him over the last two months...he basically put me on a month hold so to speak in January and was supposed to contact me...which he never did. I called and left two messages and never had a reply from those or the text messages. The last text I sent was nice so i thought and basically I told him I didn't want things to end like this, with him going MIA and acting like he didn't know me. I just wanted to talk to him to get some kind of closure....that got my number blocked. That's been the worst feeling of all...it hurt knowing he was getting the messages and chose NOT to respond. But when you go to the extent of blocking someone you "supoosedly" loved so much, that was like a knife to my heart. Mind you I didn't call or text every day...but in the end it's the outcome I didn't want. Now I feel like a fool for ever believing anything he ever said to me

[Minnie09]

When I read that after an argument he decided he didn't want to continue, I immediately think "blackmail". It's on his terms or its nothing at all. I don't know what the argument was about, but anyways......after that, by demanding nc, you probably expected him to give in. And he didn't. He's sticking to his guns. I think that based on how you described him and the A, and because it's been relatively short, it is best to not reach out. Leave it be. Don't break nc. You demanded it, and it'll give him even more power if you break it. Since it was a short-term A, it should be easier to get over it. Compared to many others that lasted years and years.

[Rainbow00]

The argument was about him not spending enough time with me. It is a bit of a long story but he had been blowing me off quite a bit and I was getting upset and frustrated so when I picked a fight about it again, he said he couldn't keep this up and needed to refocus on his work and family responsibilities. Pathetically now I wish I didn't pick that fight so things would still be okay. And a big part of me still hopes that if I reach out we could go back to that. But I don't know if I even want that or if I'm just sad and lonely. And more likely he will just tell me again we can't go back to that and leave me feeling even more pathetic and hurt.

 

But I am still so tempted. The "what if" and I do miss him quite a lot.

[Rainbow00]

And if I do break NC, I feel I am giving him all the power and then I have nothing. So I know it's a bad idea that will only result in more hurt for me. But I'm struggling so much today. I thought about reaching out today over the weekend (I can't text on weekends bc his W may see) and now today is here and I'm trying to talk myself down.

[Minnie09]

I know the what if feeling very well, but your logical self knows that the argument was a good thing. You had it because you felt the need to have it, and the result of it is that you know now how he felt about you and the A. You had to know. Having the argument forced him to speak his truth, which is not what you wanted to hear. But it's still his truth. By reaching out to him, you'd only shift the power balance into a direction that would be to your disadvantage, and at the same time, give him more leverage. I know this is not war and it shouldn't be about power, but - at the end of the day - it is. Sadly so.

I know you know that. You're smart. Just wanted to remind you.

[Minnie09]

And what's the deal with your own M?

[Cinnimon]

Rainbow: I'm sorry you are hurting. We've all been there. You are just sad and lonely, it's normal, your grieving. I know that doesn't help you but it's true.

I don't think you should feel bad about the argument, about wanting more time with the man you love. That's normal too, it's just not the way affairs normally work. You get crumbs, stolen hidden moments..... Well I know you know the drill. Just think, if you give in now he will have you exactly where he wants you. He will have the upper hand completly and will use it to make you accept whatever he chooses to throw at you.

He misses you too however not the same as you do him. He has another relationship, a wife, a job, a whole other life to occupy his mind and time. He uses you as a filler, when he needs you he'll reach out. Is that what you really want? No, you don't . That's why you argued in the first place. Stay strong. Hugs

[Ronnie33]

I went NC with my AP four months into the affair. We meant at work and had become great friends for a year before the affair started. After I went NC I missed him so much that after 6 weeks I went back and he was there with open arms. You know what? Here I am a year and a half later in NC again. It doesn't get better but worse as time goes on. The attachment gets worse and once you become physical it's even harder to break. Stay away and keep going.

 

He ended it because you were putting demands on him he didn't want to deal with. He has a wife at home and you were an emotional escape at work but once you started asking for more it turned him off.

 

If you break NC and he says you guys can be friends you will feel good for we while but eventually want to see him more again and you will be right back here, if he tell you he thinks you guys should continue NC you will feel really bad.

 

There are no wins here.

[Ronnie33]

The argument was about him not spending enough time with me. It is a bit of a long story but he had been blowing me off quite a bit and I was getting upset and frustrated so when I picked a fight about it again, he said he couldn't keep this up and needed to refocus on his work and family responsibilities. Pathetically now I wish I didn't pick that fight so things would still be okay. And a big part of me still hopes that if I reach out we could go back to that. But I don't know if I even want that or if I'm just sad and lonely. And more likely he will just tell me again we can't go back to that and leave me feeling even more pathetic and hurt.

 

But I am still so tempted. The "what if" and I do miss him quite a lot.

 

Oh an the what if is what kept me going back for two years. You know what? Now I'm separated and he's getting married. All our conversations of how we are Bestfriends and perfect for eachother but timing sucks doesn't change anything.

[SleekArchitecture]

This is how I wish you would look at it: Here you are, a wonderful person who has a lot of love and care to share with someone who respects and values what you have offer.

 

He blocked you. This alone should piss you off to where there is no going back.

 

To come back from a block means you would expect nothing less of him searching you out, on his knees with flowers begging for forgiveness.

 

To some this may seem a bit much but ladies we really need to lift our demands and expectations with these cheats in order to burn rubber moving on and collecting lots of self worth and value on our way down the road.

[Rainbow00]

I know you and others are totally and completely right. I was putting too many demands on him for this type of "relationship" and he just wanted the fun. I knew he was nevER going to leave his wife, and I am married also and have no desire to leave my husband either. I am unhappy but because of religious views it is not on my radar. But I did very much enjoy the emotional relationship and support we have. And I miss it so much.

 

Again, pathetically I wish I could do it again and be less demanding. I knew what the arrangement was and I just kept pushing. I would have been ok with less if it meant I could still have it at all. I know that is so desperate and sad of me but that's how I feel. Going to work everyday and not having our daily chats and lunches is so hard.

[stillafool]

I know you and others are totally and completely right. I was putting too many demands on him for this type of "relationship" and he just wanted the fun. I knew he was nevER going to leave his wife, and I am married also and have no desire to leave my husband either. I am unhappy but because of religious views it is not on my radar. But I did very much enjoy the emotional relationship and support we have. And I miss it so much.

 

Again, pathetically I wish I could do it again and be less demanding. I knew what the arrangement was and I just kept pushing. I would have been ok with less if it meant I could still have it at all. I know that is so desperate and sad of me but that's how I feel. Going to work everyday and not having our daily chats and lunches is so hard.

 

Isn't your religion against affairs also? You are wanting to get involved in this emotional affair again even though you know it's against your religion which I find interesting. As Minnie09 asked, what is the deal with your own marriage?

 

Also the MM has decided that you are getting too needy, too involved and he has put an end to all communication not business related. You have to accept that he has moved on, probably to another one who won't get so invested in what they do together. Do not call him or text him because he won't appreciate it because he has already blocked you. Just accept that this affair is over and thank God you didn't get physical with him. Try to reconnect with your husband and perhaps go to marriage counseling.

[Rainbow00]

Yes, it is. It's no secret that what I'm doing is wrong (and I assume most within this forum subset are also aware that our actions are not right)... But to answer your question, my marriage is just pretty platonic and boring. We have been acting as roommates for a decade now.

 

I should be thankful that it ended (against my wishes) before it progressed to anything physical. But I am still wishing for the emotional aspect for it to be back. I keep going back and forth about contacting him. The what if he misses me and is respecting my wishes of NC so he hasn't contacted me? What if I reach out and we can just talk again? If it doesn't go well at least I can get closure?

 

I know logically those are all bad reasons. which is why I haven't pulled the trigger but I do feel myself teetering on the ledge.

[Quiet Storm]

You are allowing him to have too much power over your emotions. You have a need for connection and conversation, which is normal. However, you are not looking to your husband to meet those needs, so this guy became your outlet. If you can't resolve the issues with your husband, then get your emotional needs met in healthy ways, such as friends, activities, children, pets, hobbies, etc.

 

To him, this was likely just an office flirtation, something to make work more interesting and exciting. When you began to have expectations, he realized that you were taking it a lot more seriously than he was. He doesn't want to be responsible for your feelings, he's made that clear. But yet you are still looking to him for emotional fulfillment. That is not smart on your end, and it's also not fair to his wife or your husband.

 

Work is hard for you now and he's monopolizing your thoughts, but you are allowing it. You are already giving him power, whether you contact him or not. But the answer to your sadness isn't to seek him out for attention and validation. The answer is to actually work on resolving your marriage issues, or figure out how to fulfill yourself in other ways.

 

By getting too emotionally involved, you turned yourself from a benefit to his life into a liability. Even if he did contact you again for friendship or work chats, you would end up wanting more. This wouldn't be good for you because it would just leave you feeling hurt when he doesn't live up to your hopes.

 

The intensity of the feelings that you are having about this would make most realize that they need to detach and stay away. The emotions that this created in you is a sign that things aren't right in your life. You should explore that.

 

I think you were using this relationship to self medicate, in a way. Similar to how some people drink or use drugs to forget about their problems & unhappiness. This is why you feel so much emotional pain over this- he made you quit your drug cold turkey. You feel lost and you are seeking relief. Like an addict, in your mind he's the only one that can provide you relief. To recover, you will need to accept that this is not about who he is as a person and your connection to him. It's about you and not being able to manage your life in healthy ways.

[Rainbow00]

Thank you for taking the time to say all that. Logically I know all this and I know everyone is right. I just can't emotionally get myself to believe it - even maintaining NC for this long is killing me.

 

I know I am having unmet emotional needs and am trying to have MM fill them. I have been trying, in absolute earnest in this last month especially, to reconnect with my husband and have my needs met there. It has not been successful and I always feel a void, lonely, and a yearning for my and MM relationship to go back to the way it was. I didn't want the EA to progress to anything else, I would have been content with it making my work more content and exciting. Not an excuse per se, but I had been picking fights with MM over time in those few days because of a friends suicide and I had been lashing out at many friends. I just wish I hadnt.

 

Right now I feel like MM is the only one that can make me feel better. Which is stupid because eventually this Ea would have to come to an end anyway. Neither of us were ever going to leave our spouses so it's better now rather than later when I get more attached. But I just want to feel better now. I want it back. And i know most likely he doesn't.

 

I keep wondering if I'll feel better if I try to reach out and he shuts me down so I stop tbinjing what if and get closure. Or if that will make me feel worse and more desperate. I suppose that is just me rationalizing that it's ok to contact him. Everything at work reminds me of him and I hate it so much. I want to text him and say hi, can we talk sometime. But then what? I don't actually have anything to say to him.

 

And to be honest, I'm not even that attracted to him. We disagreed on many things and I found him quite rude and bigoted in some ways. I think its just because I built up this relationship in my mind now that it's gone I'm glorifying it. I just want him to want me I think. I don't actually want him, I want a him figure.

 

Ugh. I don't know. I feel like I can't resist breaking NC much longer.

 

I'm sorry I'm so ramble. Your replies are helping, just with a lot of unrelated sad life events going on I feel like I really need him as an outlet. And I can't.

[Rainbow00]

I saw him today for the first time since the NC about a month ago. I really want to text him... Im using this forum to prevent myself from cracking. Sorry for all the spammy posts. I miss him and I miss our chats. It was a lot easier having not seen him...I wonder how it's going. I wonder if his W has cooled off. I wonder if he misses me and wants to talk... He has emailed me

Work related items a few times and I kept my replies one sentence short and to the point.

[Gloria_Smellons]

I saw him today for the first time since the NC about a month ago. I really want to text him... Im using this forum to prevent myself from cracking. Sorry for all the spammy posts. I miss him and I miss our chats. It was a lot easier having not seen him...I wonder how it's going. I wonder if his W has cooled off. I wonder if he misses me and wants to talk... He has emailed me

Work related items a few times and I kept my replies one sentence short and to the point.

 

Of course you miss him. Whether 'real' or not you felt he was an important emotional connection in your life. It is okay to miss him even though logically you may realise what you're actually missing is a fallacy. That's part of the problem for a lot of us I would guess, we look at MM and see at we want to see rather than what is.

 

You KNOW he is no good for you, focus on that as much as possible. You're hurting now, but this pain is temporary. Staying connected with him would lead to constant pain. Short term pain for long term gain.

 

You are doing really well, keep it up and it will get better.

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, I'm sort of shocked by the leniency extended to you by other members. Have you ever been in a deep, loving relationship with someone? Can you imagine what it would feel like to know your SO is having an emotional affair with another person?

 

It's devastating. It breaks you down to nothing. You literally molt like a sad bird. Your exterior peels off and your head aches. All pleasure and concentration are denied you. Food, music, couples, babies revolt you. You act out murder on your pillow.

 

Why would you wish this on someone? Because when you fool around with another person, this is what you are doing. Someone suffering is the expense of your pleasure. Got that?

 

And what about your husband? Doesn't he deserve to be with someone whose world revolves around his happiness? Don't you wish that for him? And for yourself?

 

You need to focus on the problems you have and stop making more problems for yourself and other people. You know exactly what I'm talking about.

Edited March 16, 2015 by SycamoreCircle

[stillafool]

If you are having unmet emotional needs with your husband then seek marriage counseling. The OM is not an option for you. He gave you closure when he didn't want to see you anymore. That was your sign that it's over and you need to accept it. He doesn't want you that way anymore or he would have contacted you. Since you are intent on staying in your unhappy marriage you need to get help for it or you will be constantly unfulfilled there and may as well divorce.

[Satu]

Yes, it is. It's no secret that what I'm doing is wrong (and I assume most within this forum subset are also aware that our actions are not right)

 

Doing things that you know to be wrong, guarantees a bad outcome for all concerned.

 

Switch to doing things that you know to be right.

Edited March 16, 2015 by Satu

[Majormisstep]

One thing is guaranteed Rainbow, if your H found out about xAP either through your current pining, or worse a d-day that can happen well after the A is over, your yearning to contact him will be gone in a heartbeat.

 

xAP has discarded you. Not meaning to be harsh but he was only looking for a good time and the moment you made waves, he was outta there. Probably looking for his next A...preferably one that won't make such demands. Good riddance.

 

Sometimes in order to have a good partner, you need to be a good partner. Relying on others to fulfill emotional needs will likely end in disappointment. Not to say that your H should be off the hook and sit back with his hands clasped behind his head and let you do all the work, but get engaged in a serious conversation with him and let him know that you need something from him and the M. It will take both of you to make it a success.

[jellybean89]

You claim to have "tried" in the last month to reconnect to your marriage but that's damn near impossible when you are so goo goo over the MM. Your heart isnt in your marriage - you are just wasting your H's time. I know you said divorce is against your religion, and as someone pointed out, having an affair is against your religion too...and since you had no problem getting into an affair, and wishing you were still in it, why not give divorce a shot? Your marriage will not recover while you are day dreaming about the MM and since it is "killing you" to not be having daily chats with the MM, let your H go so he can find someone who respects him, loves him and doesn't cheat on him? It is only a matter of time, most likely, before you break NC and then begin a physical affair. End the marriage since it is so boring for you. Just make sure you examine your behavior and actions and not lay the blame for the demise of your marraige at your H's feet. You own 50% of that and 100% of the blame for cheating.

[Rainbow00]

I felt that I was doing the right things by implementing NC (and so far... sticking to.. although I have many weak moments) in the last month. During this month I have gone to therapy as well, to try and work out my feelings. I do often feel like I'm just wasting my husband and my time as well, as I feel like I'm just doing things to fill up my time until "tomorrow" when I am "allowed" to break NC and reach out to MM. I use that tactic that many others on here seem to use, which is to tell yourself that tomorrow will be the day that you break NC, and then tomorrow, and then tomorrow - so that it never really comes.

 

I have also had many talks with my husband in the last few weeks about what emotional needs are not being met, and planning many events together (hiking, dinner date, house project, etc.) - but it is hard to focus 100%, 24/7 as I am still hurting and missing MM. I am hoping that with time, that feeling will fade... but right now, that is where I am at. Also, husband and I have been roommates rather than spouses for so many years, that I think we are just both complacent and he is not really interested in making a real effort either.

 

I keep thinking I will get relief once I reach out, just to get it out of my system. Maybe I need closure. But really, I think i'm just rationalizing.