stillafool Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 There is no closure. You have to make your own. Each conversation for closure leads to more and more questions, more and more "what ifs". You have to move on. It's good that you are in independent counseling. When you say roommates about you and your husband does that mean you aren't having sex with him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 I keep thinking I will get relief once I reach out, just to get it out of my system. Maybe I need closure. But really, I think i'm just rationalizing. You are trying to fill the emptiness from outside and that is impossible. Your MM is not the answer, and neither is your husband. You need to get into yourself, and form a loving relationship with yourself. You have taken all the love you should feel for yourself, and projected it onto your MM. Until you learn how to love yourself, you will continue to feel the emptiness inside that makes you so afraid. That terrible, desperate, longing you feel, is the longing for yourself, the simple and innocent self that is who you really are. You are what you need. You own the painful feelings about yourself, but you project your hope onto the MM. Because you do not yet love yourself, when you were with him, you chose to have him as the exact centre of your universe. You were in orbit around him. Then he was gone, and you had nothing to orbit. Now you have to place the centre of your universe inside yourself. Once you have done that, the empty place inside you will no longer be empty, and you will begin to enjoy life again. What you need is yourself. You need to fall into your own arms. Love, Satu. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbow00 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 StillaFool: I'm trying to gain closure for myself, I really am. But I feel like i'm holding my breath, waiting for the relief of being able to speak to MM again. Even if it's bad, I just want to - I know that's wrong, but my emotions are all over the place today. I know I'll feel stupid right after I send it, and I'll feel bad that he now knows he has the power, and I know I'll even be afraid to see what he would say. I know he would respond, but I don't think it would be a good response. Yes, we are roommates more than spouses. We haven't had sex in quite some time - 6 months perhaps? And maybe once every 4-5 months prior. Neither of us are really interested. We get along just fine, but operate as business partners in the house rather than lovers or spouses. Satu: Thank you for that, that was beautifully written. After giving it some thought, I think you are right. Even back in my high school and college days, I was never single for more than a month or two. Always jumping from one breakup into another relationship, just to mask the loneliness and pain that came with a breakup (even if I was the one who initiated it). I don't think I ever gave myself the opportunity to be single and fulfilled on my own; I always had a boyfriend, and then a fiance and husband. Maybe I am scared to be "alone" and "single" - although I am married, it doesn't feel like I am. MM felt more like a boyfriend and a relationship than my husband does. I never learned how to be alone, and happy and fulfilled by myself. I am now scared I don't know how to do it. Either way, in the back of my mind... it still hurts 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Satu: Thank you for that, that was beautifully written. After giving it some thought, I think you are right. Even back in my high school and college days, I was never single for more than a month or two. Always jumping from one breakup into another relationship, just to mask the loneliness and pain that came with a breakup (even if I was the one who initiated it). I don't think I ever gave myself the opportunity to be single and fulfilled on my own; I always had a boyfriend, and then a fiance and husband. Maybe I am scared to be "alone" and "single" - although I am married, it doesn't feel like I am. MM felt more like a boyfriend and a relationship than my husband does. I never learned how to be alone, and happy and fulfilled by myself. I am now scared I don't know how to do it. *Either way, in the back of my mind... it still hurts *It hurts like hell. I know from my own experience. Sometimes we get so preoccupied with other people that we forget about ourselves. From reading your story, I can't see who is loving you. The MM? It doesn't look like it. Your husband? Dunno. You? Not yet. Somebody has to. Start taking some time just to be with yourself, thinking about yourself instead of somebody else. Instead of anybody else. You are as worthy of love as anybody on this earth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbow00 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 I am scared because I don't know where to start. A lot of other things have been happening in my life (friend's death, money troubles, etc.) and I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like I'm holding my breath and the only type of relief is if I contact MM and get that relationship closure, or continue it. But obviously, I know that is wrong and realistically I will just get hurt. It makes me upset that after all he said, I'm sure he was over this in a day. Grr Link to post Share on other sites
starglider Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Hi Rainbow00, Do hang in there! You are doing great with NC - so great. I have a very similar story to yours. My EA was the one who broke off contact with me after we had an intense exchange and I struggled with NC, though we both broke it a little here and there in messages. We're actually in contact again, but that is another more painful story and I'm getting ready for round 2 of NC. Believe me - seeing him again was a mistake in my situation and I wish I stayed NC in round one. I highly recommend reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It helps get your power back and see how you over-invest in these types of relationships. Finding the happiness within yourself and confronting your own inner lonliness is tough work but fullfilling. I have a M similar to yours and right now mine is on the brink. The EA happened, I believe, for me to look closely and wake up from my own denial of my messed up M. Stay NC, stay strong, you are doing so good by resisting the temptation, say good bye to the illusion of closure, healing will come from within. And IC helps! Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbow00 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 Thanks for the encouragement I haven't really had the urge to reach out today. So that's good! I saw him today as well, he was distant and cold so it looks like he's over it ... Which is kind of a bummer Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbow00 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 Apologies for all the posts, I am using this forum as a way to vent my feelings and to try and stop myself from being weak and breaking contact. Today was a better day than yesterday, I wasn't nearly as tempted and hurt and sad. But now it's more like... I want to know what would happen. It's twisted and wrong but I can't help but wonder what if? Maybe he's maintaining NC because I had demanded it. Maybe he misses me too. Maybe we could just go back to talking. Maybe he wants to talk again. Realistically I think a few days after the NC he was already 100% over it and is completely indifferent to me. Back to his life and his priorities. And if I reached out it would just be one big ego boost and power trip for him and he wouldn't give me even crumbs. But I still want to know. And I still do miss him terribly... Sigh Link to post Share on other sites
Genieve Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 (edited) You are not responsible for his BS... HE IS. You are responsible for you H. Stop guilt tripping.. There are lots of reasons for NC. Love/"guilt /family pressure. Ask him. I can assure you that wanting more puts you in the same pressure zone as BS who's experiencing less. Edited March 17, 2015 by Genieve Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 The argument was about him not spending enough time with me. It is a bit of a long story but he had been blowing me off quite a bit and I was getting upset and frustrated so when I picked a fight about it again, he said he couldn't keep this up and needed to refocus on his work and family responsibilities. Pathetically now I wish I didn't pick that fight so things would still be okay. And a big part of me still hopes that if I reach out we could go back to that. But I don't know if I even want that or if I'm just sad and lonely. And more likely he will just tell me again we can't go back to that and leave me feeling even more pathetic and hurt. But I am still so tempted. The "what if" and I do miss him quite a lot. Rainbow, I know there are 3 pages and I haven't read through this to see if someone else has made this point, but... I am not going to address anything about right and wrong about affairs here. I am talking about feelings, because regardless of the type of relationship, they exist. Don't feel regret expressing something you sincerely wanted. If expressing a sincere desire got him upset with you and wanting to pull back, then let him go. You can't beat yourself up for that. In affairs, this is typically the beginning of the hot and cold, push/pull behavior, where one person begins to manage down the other person's expectations. Believe me, I've been there. You think you can handle it, and you start accepting less from them over time, just to get a little piece. You start to think, maybe a compromise isn't so bad. But in the end, you realize you are really just compromising yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbow00 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 Starglider, I just bought that book you recommended on Amazon, so I will get it in two days. Thank you I am looking forward to reading it. Southern, I read your thread and I am right there with you about trying to maintain NC. I do really regret expressing those feelings though. It was a hysterical, low point in my life (lots of things had collided that week, relapse into a chronic illness, a friend's suicide, money issues, etc etc) and I *knew* what our relationship was - it was pretty much a no strings attached EA. And by demanding more and more (time) from him, I added those strings he didn't want. Right now I am still hurting that I regret doing that, because I miss him. If I didn't, I think we would still be friends. Like you mention, right now, I would accept less time from him just to have a little bit of him. Like you mention, a compromise doesn't sound so bad right now, because at least I'd have the relationship and I would get some relief. I know that is pathetic, because I am just giving up more and more and he just gets exactly what he wants. But that is honestly how I feel right now. I know it is wrong, it is diminishing my self worth, and all that. Logically, I know that is a horrible idea for me. But if he did reach out (I know he won't) and say Rainbow, we can go back to what we had, except you'll get less - I think I'd be too weak to say no. I still so much want to reach out. I know exactly what I would say. I play it back in my head, and have different replies depending on his different possible responses. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Welcome to the forum. I totally understand what you are going through. There really is no way past the pain but to move through it. You are doing the right thing. I'm sorry for your pain. Best to you - Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbow00 Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 Welcome to the forum. I totally understand what you are going through. There really is no way past the pain but to move through it. You are doing the right thing. I'm sorry for your pain. Best to you - Thank you. I hope it's okay I'm kind of also using this forum as an outlet to try and get my feelings out. Of course I haven't told anyone in real life besides my counselor and it helps to have this available 24/7. Hearing back from others in similar situations is so comforting At night, like now, I feel so desperate to get some relief that I always decide tomorrow during work I will contact him. I play out the scenarios and use the fact That I will reach out tmw as a way of coping through the night. Then during the day that feeling fades a bit but I'm always on the edge of breakig during work. I had a long discussion with H tonight as well, he doesn't see anything that needs to be changed in our relationship. I think that is too far gone as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Southern, I read your thread and I am right there with you about trying to maintain NC. I do really regret expressing those feelings though. It was a hysterical, low point in my life (lots of things had collided that week, relapse into a chronic illness, a friend's suicide, money issues, etc etc) and I *knew* what our relationship was - it was pretty much a no strings attached EA. And by demanding more and more (time) from him, I added those strings he didn't want. Right now I am still hurting that I regret doing that, because I miss him. If I didn't, I think we would still be friends. Like you mention, right now, I would accept less time from him just to have a little bit of him. Like you mention, a compromise doesn't sound so bad right now, because at least I'd have the relationship and I would get some relief. I know that is pathetic, because I am just giving up more and more and he just gets exactly what he wants. But that is honestly how I feel right now. I know it is wrong, it is diminishing my self worth, and all that. Logically, I know that is a horrible idea for me. But if he did reach out (I know he won't) and say Rainbow, we can go back to what we had, except you'll get less - I think I'd be too weak to say no. I still so much want to reach out. I know exactly what I would say. I play it back in my head, and have different replies depending on his different possible responses. We all do things we regret. You really do have to forgive yourself and let it go. Hold your head high and know that staying no contact will help to rebuild some of the dignity you *feel* you lost. I want you to re-read what you said, mainly, "...I would get some relief." That just sounds like addiction to me. I used to dance around those words because I don't like feeling out of control of anything. But affairs for many people are like addictions. And when you see that person or hear from them, if it feels like the knots in your stomach unwind or the pressure valve opens up and releases or you can finally smile again and all the tension melts...that's because you've just gotten your 'high'. I've never had a drug problem but I can imagine it's pretty darn close. So really, the best thing you can do - for your health - is to go cold turkey from him. If you go to him for relief, you are only reinforcing in your mind that he is the source of what makes you feel better. You need to break the cycle. You are already on your way. I know you can do it, if you can just see it for what it is - something that is actually harming you instead of building you up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbow00 Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 Yes, I feel like I need some relief. I feel like I've just been struggling by, holding my breath, until I get him back. It's a little ridiculous really, because there is no signs or actions that says this will ever end up that way. I think it's my way of coping with the situation. I never had a drug addiction either, but I would imagine it is similar. I still get a rush when I see his name or see a glance of him. It sucks, really. Today I don't feel a huge burning desire to contact him, but now my feelings have shifted a bit. I am afraid that if i dont reach out, then it will be too late and he will have completely moved on and our window will be closed forever. Losing him definitively forever is such a scary thought. but then again, I am caring less and less.. so why do i want to stir the pot by reaching out? but... i feel like i need to, in order to not lose him forever. Which is dumb, i probably already have. Link to post Share on other sites
anabel32 Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Yes, I feel like I need some relief. I feel like I've just been struggling by, holding my breath, until I get him back. It's a little ridiculous really, because there is no signs or actions that says this will ever end up that way. I think it's my way of coping with the situation. I never had a drug addiction either, but I would imagine it is similar. I still get a rush when I see his name or see a glance of him. It sucks, really. Today I don't feel a huge burning desire to contact him, but now my feelings have shifted a bit. I am afraid that if i dont reach out, then it will be too late and he will have completely moved on and our window will be closed forever. Losing him definitively forever is such a scary thought. but then again, I am caring less and less.. so why do i want to stir the pot by reaching out? but... i feel like i need to, in order to not lose him forever. Which is dumb, i probably already have. Rainbow, I am exactly in your situation, every word you say, I feel it 100%, this is exactly what I am going through as well. The desire indeed is an addiction but at the same time is also your craving for this wonderful feeling and connection that you have had with your MM, that looks like with your hubby you are not getting it. Every person in life wants LOVE and deserves love and please think of the desire to contact him and sort of have him back not as a craving really for HIM but for the love and connection that you haven't had for such a long time, and he let you taste it... But he is not the right person in a long term, of course. He has his family and as soon as you demanded more time with him, he told you he wants out and focus on his family. THis shows you that you were never near his priorities for making you happy. He obviously cared about you but only beacuse you gave him what HE wanted. Since you wanted more then him, he rejected you. Trust me, this is NOT going to change. It is ok for you to miss him, feel it, cry it out, grieve the relationship you had and the one you MOSTLY imagined you could have with him, But at the end of the day this was just ilusion. Focus on the feeling of your true desire for deep love and connection. You need to start working on it... YOu need to make your husband undertsand that you are not happy in the relationship and things need to change, otherwise you would consider leaving (would you consider that???) There is a WONDERFUL book that my therapist suggested for me to read... it will be great for you and your hubby to read it, or at least you to start with. I am sure you will connect with it 100%. It is called : Journey of the Heart: Intimate Relationships and the Path of Love; John Welwood. Please remember that we always have to pay big attention to every emotion and feeling that arises... your crave for your MM maybe it is just a reflection of your craving for a true deep intimate relationship in general, rather then him and you know that he is not right for you. You need to start focusing on areas in your life where you can make it work to bring it to your life... fixing your marrage or leaving it, and finding love and happiness elsewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 I am scared because I don't know where to start. A lot of other things have been happening in my life (friend's death, money troubles, etc.) and I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like I'm holding my breath and the only type of relief is if I contact MM and get that relationship closure, or continue it. But obviously, I know that is wrong and realistically I will just get hurt. It makes me upset that after all he said, I'm sure he was over this in a day. Grr Your going to contact him, then you will be here kicking yourself and crying. You say everything is falling apart and your drowning...this is the ONE thing you have control over right now is whether or not you sacrifice your power, self worth and dignity to reach out. I think of the smug knowing look on my xeaps face if I reached out....he would think...I knew she would be back...I didn't even need to do anything but throw her out and sit back and wait. You can work out the rest of your fears and marriage issues in counseling but I dont think yoy need anyone to help you with keeping your dignity. Being able to go through the withdrawal time, greive and cry the tears, and be strong that this void you feel and the rejection you feel will pass. It takes time. In greiving you are going through the bargaining stage...thinking...one last email, even a nugget. I did this for nearly 2 decades. I was the good, forgiving, caring friend who always came back after he threw me away like trash. This last time it hurt so much it nearly killed me. I sobbed for days, wailed actually, i had chest pain, I could barely work or eat...I was utterly devastated beyond belief as if there had been a true death. This time I faced the grief, I faced myself, I held strong keeping my phone away from me and I made it now a month and 5 days of nc. I feel better each day. Im keeping my sanity and dignity and I dont wanna go back for another round. Ive been where you are and worse. Control yourself and do not allow yourself to go back for a fix. You have a full life and a marriage to decide on. Keep going and unraveling it all day by day. You can get to the other side. Gain control of your emotions. Hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbow00 Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 Annabel, it makes me feel better that you know how I feel. I feel so alone with such a shameful secret. More ridiculous rationalizing on my part. I don't really miss him as much as i usually do but then... My reasoning today is, I should try to reach out to see what happens, while I'm not that emotionally invested. This way I can see where he's at and if it turns out poorly then I'm not that invested anyway so it's okay, it'll hurt less. So I might as well do it and see what happens. I know logically that makes no sense but it does emotionally today. Still a struggle and it's been 5 weeks... I think I just keep holding out hope that soon I can contact him and then it'll be back to being ok. But I need to squash that hope. And when I got his crumbs it hurt anyway so I'm hurting either way! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbow00 Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 I'm mad today that he did this to me. He pulled me into an EA (I resisted at first and blew him off but of course I am fully to blame for allowing myself to participate and invest in the EA). this was my first time stepping outside my marriage (nothing physical however) and now I don't even remember what it's like to be happy without a side romance. I don't remember how I was happy and content and not lonely without MM. He ruined that for me. I know this wasn't the first time MM has stepped outside his marriage and I know he's been further physically with other women. He's obviously a dog why do I still miss him?? I feel ugly and unattractive and unlovable now. My life is lacking excitement without MM to look forward to seeing and chatting with. It was such an excitement and something to look forward to every day. And now that's it's gone I can't replace it with anythibg that makes me nearly as happy and excited. I am trying with my therapist but it's still bland. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbow00 Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 Crap. I broke NC today. I couldnt keep holding back... Now I'm ashamed and sad. I'm embarrassed to even admit it here. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnie33 Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Crap. I broke NC today. I couldnt keep holding back... Now I'm ashamed and sad. I'm embarrassed to even admit it here. Don't be embarrassed. Most if us have broke NC more then once in the past. It's not easy but now that you feel bad you know why it's advised against. Learn from it so you don't let it happen again. Did he respond? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbow00 Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 I know logically why NC is a good idea. I agree with it. But emotionally I just felt like I needed that release. I am so ashamed and feel stupid. I know I lost my dignity and now it might reopen old wounds. I am sorry for doing it and I knew better, I don't have a good reason for doing it beyond being selfish. I also feel like I had wasted everyone's time on here too by screwing up and breaking NC. I'm sorry. Bahh... No he did not, not yet anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
anabel32 Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Crap. I broke NC today. I couldnt keep holding back... Now I'm ashamed and sad. I'm embarrassed to even admit it here. DId you feel relieve or do you know regret... Keep us posted how you feel. If you feel you made a mistake at least you will learn from it and not do it again.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbow00 Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 Right now I feel nothing. The same as before... Maybe a little better because now I don't have to wonder what if. But nothing has really happened yet I am fully in agreement this was a bad idea and it leads to regret and bad decisions. I already feel so stupid. I am ashamed to even admit it here. I thought I was doing better but I guess I'm weaker than I thought. In mostly feel bad for being weak. As a person. I'm sorry for letting you guys down also, you had been cheering me on and this is what I do ... God. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnie33 Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Right now I feel nothing. The same as before... Maybe a little better because now I don't have to wonder what if. But nothing has really happened yet I am fully in agreement this was a bad idea and it leads to regret and bad decisions. I already feel so stupid. I am ashamed to even admit it here. I thought I was doing better but I guess I'm weaker than I thought. In mostly feel bad for being weak. As a person. I'm sorry for letting you guys down also, you had been cheering me on and this is what I do ... God. It happened, now forgive yourself and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
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