she left me and im lost........

[happy45]

Hey everyone, I've been reading all the posts and there is a lot of helpful information here. Thanks. That being said, for some reason I still felt it was necessary to tell my story. I don't really know what kind of reaction I am looking for, as I have basically give up hope. But here goes. Thanks in advance for any advice. And sorry the story is long, but it's 9 years of my life!

 

I met this girl in 11th grade. She was my first real girlfriend and everything went really well. It was awesome for 2.5 years. During Christmas of our sophomore year of college, she broke up with me. Out of the blue. We were at separate colleges and I didn't have a car and I think she felt like I wasn't making an effort or didn't miss her enough. We never ever really fought about anything. So I took that breakup really badly and she basically cut me out of her life for a while, not answering calls and what not. Well about 9 months later I started dating another girl, a girl she used to be friends with in high school but hadn't talked to since we started college. All of the sudden she came out of the woodwork and started calling me. She made it quite clear she felt insulted that I dated one of her friends. But that was about it. We talked every now and then. Apparently she wanted me back, but she was nice enough to never tell me or try to break my new relationship.

 

Well that relationship lasted about 9 months or so and then I ended it. I liked the girl, but at the same time, I never felt in love like I did with my ex. My ex and I still had contact now and then, but when I tried to get her back she was not interested and was casually dating someone else.

 

So somehow right before we went back to college for our senior years, we hung out and fell back into a relationship. But again, we were at separate colleges and so we did the LDR. We saw each other at least once a month. That whole time I felt like she was chasing me. I never quite knew how I felt. I knew I loved her but I didnt know if it was something I was used to and we were settling for each other or if it was something more. I was completely honest with her and always told her I didnt know how I felt. So we were kind of on and off through our senior years and my 2 years of grad school. She always wanted me, but I was the one who was never sure. She talked marriage but I said we had to be together (same town) first to see how it really was. She was always chasing me and running our relationship and in some ways I felt smothered.

 

So after grad school I moved home and back to her. We hung out, it was great. But then I got a job in another state. I was worried but she didnt hesitate to drop everything and move with me. I moved in February and she moved in June as soon as her school year was over (she's a teacher). Things were awesome. I had so much fun. We talked marriage, she was looking online for houses. In December (xmas time) we got engaged.

 

And that's when things started to change. She started to seem more distant to me. I admit things were sorta more of a friendship than a relationship. We did stuff together, but we never did coulple things if that makes any sense. I worked a lot of hours and most of the time when I came home, I just wanted to sit down and relax. She wanted more and I dont blame her.

 

Well, this February we renewed our lease for a year, she put $1300 on a wedding dress, we joined a gym together. Lots of stuff. But she started to seem sad a lot. One day she would be sad, the next day she would act really happy. She wrote me the nicest valentines day card. Then the first saturday of March I woke up and she was gone. And she never came back!!!! My world fell apart.

 

Her explanation was that she didn't feel loved and that she fought so hard to make this work but she didn't have anything left. She said she hasn't been happy and that she finally realized she was living a lie. She wasn't in love with me anymore. She moved out and moved in with other people from work.

 

Within a week she was staying with a guy from work. He was probably her best friend at work. He likes her, other teachers told her. He always told her how lonely he was. He is 32. She is 25 (im 26). Within 2 weeks of being gone she says she is starting to like him. He is already telling her he loves her - which amazingly doesnt freak her out. Then she tells me "he kissed me and i let him" So thats about it. She is basically with him, since she left she has repeatedly told me that she can never be with me again. She "knows" we will fall into the same cylce and insists if it was meant to be, things would have changed all along. And she also looked me in the eyes and told me she suddenly isn't physically attracted to me.

 

It's been a month now. I have seen her twice. She gets emotional when I see her and brings up wierd stuff, like things that happened years ago - meaningless things that for some reason she puts odd value on (like why did you say this, why did you do this, weird stuff). She's a completely different person. She dropped a lot of people out of her life. She barely talks to her parents anymore and they were really really close. She was really close to my family, including my grandmother who just had emergency open heart surgery the week my fiancee left. She knew about the surgery and has never even asked how it went. I feel like she is hiding, but she claims she is so happy and so relieved and her relationship with this other guy is working towards "love".

 

So i look back, I have seen a lot of the stuff that I did wrong and that we did wrong. I was undecided for so long and she was chasing me. I finally decided I wanted to spend my life with her and she left. I have admitted that I had my priorities wrong and that I was stressed out with work. I admitted that I wasn't doing the small things to make her feel special. I have already made a lot of changes in my life. I dont hold in emotions anymore, I dont work so hard or long. So many things. But she will not let herself see any changes. As far as she is concerned, she is done and I no longer exist.

 

9 years this month. And now it's gone. I screwed up and lost her. And this lonely guy at work said the right things and won her affection. I really don't know where to go from here. I miss her so much, I think about her all day every day. It's hard not to after 9 years. I am proud of her for being brave enough to stand up and leave, but I am angry she didn't do more to make me realize what I was doing. She said she shouldn't have had to, which I agree with, but we have a lot invested in this and it's a shame we couldnt work together through this. She tried to fight the battle alone and never told me.

 

Ok, story is way too long already. Sorry.

[anonymous]

I feel your pain little brother ...

 

It sounds like there has been a lot of irreversible damage that has happened to this relationship over the years. Don't blame yourself because this just happens sometimes - to the best people. You're working hard, trying to establish a solid base, while at the same time what you are working for is slowly erroding out from under you. You grow appart. Since it doesn't sound like you have children, there wasn't a strong incentive to stay together dispite the years you have invested in this relationship.

 

Bottom line is - even if you were to get back together, things would never feel the same for either of you. She's has fallen in love with someone from work - someone she sees every day - spends more time with than the two of you ever spent together. That's why it SEEMs to have come on so suddenly, when in reality they have been able to learn about eachother more and more everyday - at work.

 

Give it a few more months and the pain will ease ... don't associate with your ex in that time - out of site - out of mind. You can be friends later.

 

Then I would say, if you don't interface with many women at work ... join a social club which piques your interests... skiing, biking, QuikStar :-) ... even a church - or set up an account on eHarmony :-).

You might find someone who is more compatible with you than your ex. ever was - you just didn't know any better since you've only really been with two women in an LTR.

 

Good Luck.