to Tony

[Bobby Dygytul]

i was just wanting your opinion on something. I have been dating this girl Nickie for about 3 weeks now. Everything is going really well and i really like her alot. Last nite when me and her was out to dinner, she told me that she thinks she is falling in love with me.

 

I was wondering how someone could be falling in love with someone so fast. To me, to fall in love with someone would take a good long while. I think it would take a really long time for me to ever fall "in love" with anyone. I was always really close to my mother and when i was 16 she passed away. It was really hard for me to cope with.

 

When i was 20, i dated this one girl Kim for 2 years with whom i was deeply in love with. Well she broke my heart and it took me over a year before i could start to date again. Maybe its just me, but it would take me a good long time before i could fall in love with anyone.

 

It seems that whenever i date now, i put up a wall to keep myself from going past a certain point. I guess its kind of a safty measure for me to not get my heart broken again. Is this normal? I really like my girlfriend Nickie and i enjoy being with her. So could she really be falling for in love with me? Im just curious.

[Tony T]

It takes you much more time to fall in love because of the untimely death of your mother. This affected you so greatly that you feel anyone you may become closely attached to will abandon you and cause great pain. Because of this tragic loss at such a vulnerable age, you have somewhat associated loving someone with pain and loss.

 

You must understand that all love ends in pain and loss. There are people who have been happily married for 60 years or more but, eventually, one dies...and the other usually follows shortly thereafter because of the horrendous pain associated with that. We cannot love unless we are ready and willing to risk and experience pain. It's just part of the process. Nothing in life, no matter how small or how great, comes without a price. And the greater the gift, the higher the price.

 

Where your girlfriend is concerned, a lot of things may be happening. Love means different things to different people. There are different levels and intensities of love. She may be starting to have some emotional feelings for you and be calling that love. That's just fine. Don't even try to analyze it, just experience it.

 

If she presses you, you merely need to explain to her what you've been through and that you move much more slowly. That doesn't mean you are less likely to fall for her, it just means you don't move at the same pace as she does. Two people very rarely fall for each other at the same time. Sometimes that's a real bxtch because the other person doesn't actually realize they are in love until the other loses their patience and leaves.

 

Be kind to yourself and move at your own pace. I promise you, you are still not fully over your mother's death. You may never be. It's a trauma that only young people who have experienced that can understand. But you will get better and you will be able to more freely love. And, mostly you will fully comprehend that each day is precious and we may not get another.

 

I'll bet you cannot yet say, "Good bye, mom" without tears coming to your eyes. Stop and try it now. When you can say goodbye to your mother with joy and release her to the heavens, you will be well on your way to healing from this terrible wound.

 

You move at your pace and let your girl move and hers. Enjoy the journey and don't worry so much about it. Your feelings are your feelings and you can't force them or rush them.

 

Perhaps you may need some counselling to let go of your mother. It's very likely you're still holding on to her. It's very difficult to let our mother go, especially when she passes at such an age as you were. Counselling could go a long way to helping release a lot of pain, and perhaps even some anger, that holds you back from fully experiencing the love you deserve.

 

Be kind to yourself. It'll all work out.

 

And please seek the opinions of others. There are many people who come to this forum who could share experiences with you and give you good ideas on how to get through this.