No, Southern. No. Bad girl!

[Southern Sun]

I guess I am feeling the compulsion to make contact with the exAP, so I am posting here instead.

 

Why do I want to? It's like I have a building anxiety that I think will be relieved by connecting with him. But I know that relief will be temporary, and then I will have to face a huge set-back, mentally and emotionally. Nothing has changed.

 

Nothing good can come of it. I don't even really want to! So what the freak is my problem? I am at 11 days.

 

Wow. Seems kinda pathetic when I write it down.

[Clay]

I have no doubt it hurts and you feel the need. Your just going to have to keep in mind if you do contact him and your H finds out any hope of saving your family is gone. Let me help to tell you about my son. He knows his mother cheated on me. He recently learned she cheated on the OM she was with. He has distanced himself so much that two weeks ago when I asked him why he wouldn't talk to her on the phone he replied "I don't have a mother". Now I could have been a real jerk and called her up and told her what he said but I just tried to encourage him to keep in mind she is still his mom and he should have some contact with her. Some times kids do feel adulty is betrayal to them as well.

 

I think you really feel you can't break all contact with the OM then just do it the right thing. Tell your husband you want a divorce and you can just go be with the OM.

 

Clay

[Rainbow00]

Southern, I'm struggling with the same right now (see my thread...). I'm new to this site, but would you want to private message or email to keep each other on track? Or just chat sometime?

[Satu]

I guess I am feeling the compulsion to make contact with the exAP, so I am posting here instead.

 

Why do I want to? *It's like I have a building anxiety that I think will be relieved by connecting with him. But I know that relief will be temporary, and then I will have to face a huge set-back, mentally and emotionally. Nothing has changed.

 

Nothing good can come of it. I don't even really want to! So what the freak is my problem? I am at 11 days.

 

Wow. Seems kinda pathetic when I write it down.

 

Its not pathetic at all, but he will feel better and you will feel worse, if you call him.

 

You know that, and that's why you will restrain the impulse to get in touch.

 

If you're feeling anxious, use some self-soothing behaviours like stretching and breathing, baths with lavender oil, mindfulness, etc.

 

See what does and doesn't work for you, and build a set of behaviours you can use.

 

Make a list something like this:

 

1. If I get really anxious I will not call him. Instead I will call xyz.

 

2. I will go for a run/walk, or do some stretching and breathing.

 

3. Post on Loveshack every 10 minutes if I need to.

 

Make such a list, and include everything you can think of that might help.

 

Do whatever you have to do, but don't call him.

 

Keep checking in here.

 

Take care.

Edited March 16, 2015 by Satu

[Ronnie33]

Everything Satu said is correct. Today was rough and I thought about him all day but if I reach out I'll feel bad again right after when I realize it was all for nothing. That one moment of relief isn't worth it. Trust me I've down this road 3 times so obviously going back doesn't change anything for the better. Post here when you need too. We'll support eachother so we don't fall.

[GoldieLox]

If you think you feel like s&%t now, just wait until you contact him again.

 

Kudos to posting here instead. Might I suggest something physical? I like to go to the gym (I'd prefer to run outside, but it's only 45 degrees here). Yoga works wonders for people, even if you just sit and stretch while listening to some upbeat music.

[DKT3]

I guess I am feeling the compulsion to make contact with the exAP, so I am posting here instead.

 

Why do I want to? It's like I have a building anxiety that I think will be relieved by connecting with him. But I know that relief will be temporary, and then I will have to face a huge set-back, mentally and emotionally. Nothing has changed.

 

Nothing good can come of it. I don't even really want to! So what the freak is my problem? I am at 11 days.

 

Wow. Seems kinda pathetic when I write it down.

 

DETOX

 

As is the case in MOST situations with wayward wives that love that feel is more of an addiction. Affairs run the full range of emotions keeping you emotionally charged. Your mind will know that MM/OM isn't something you want long term, maybe he is really not a good guy, yet can't understand why you can't get it behind them.

 

Ending the affair only leaves one emotion, sadness, it leaves you feeling alone, which is why I always suggest WW's throw themselves 100% back into their family.

 

Southern you know what will result from contacting him. When you get the urge find a replacement. Text a friend, or even your husband.

[Southern Sun]

You guys are so great.

 

DKT, it is most certainly revealing itself as some sort of addiction. I am seeing it for what it is.

 

One thing that is helping is to decide to never act on any desire to reach out today. Always sleep on it. (Of course, the intention is that the next day I don't act on it, and then the next, and so on).

 

The fact is - I've already decided I will NOT do it. I just need help getting through this anxiety. It's really crazy. I used to be such a strong person! Oh well. I am finding her again.

[Blu72]

Southern.. You can do this.

I have had LC with MM since the end of Jan. We never had a fight he just went distant for no apparent reason. I let him and did not reach out. I came here a few weeks ago and posted almost the same thing as you, but I ended up being weak and reached out when I heard he had been in a minor car accident. Immediately, I felt relief after I sent the email because I figured he'd respond and we would talk and things would be different. He did respond, 10 min later. He was happy to hear from me but apparently not enough to sustain the conversation after his one email response. I felt like a failure and hated myself for caving. Since then I have heard from him a couple of times, one quick email on my bday and Friday-Saturday. But really it's the same ole breadcrumbs that mean nothing. Nothing has changed and I actually feel worse.

 

Don't do it. Hang tough. Be better than me, please.

[Rainbow00]

I feel the exact same way. I rationalize that if I reach out, it will give me some relief. It could give me closure if he rejected my attempt. I was the one that demanded NC so he could just be respecting my wishes. Maybe he wants to reconcile. Etc etc.

 

But I know realistically what will happen. And I will feel worse and he will feel empowered. I do the same thing and say I will contact him tomorrow. And tomorrow. I can only safely contact him during work hours so as long as I make it until 5 I know I made it another day. I was so tempted all weekend to text him though and I kept telling myself to wait until today. And I didnt! But it's getting harder. It's been 35 days for me.

 

Keep on holding strong, I know exactly how it feels and I'm righty here with you. I'm always here to help you stay on track or chat or vent. Right now I use posting on my thread as an outlet but you can use me if you'd like

[nikki76]

You have to go through it one day at a time. My xmm emailed me 2 weeks ago. . It is so tempting to email him back. But I know I absolutely cannot go back to that toxic place. So, I tell myself, I'll get through today, lets see what tomorrow brings. And everyday I tell myself the same thing.

Plus, having a great support system helps. Whether it be to post on here, therapy or a good friend to help you through these urges. I made a great friend on here who has truly been a godsend. I dont know where I would be without her.

You know you cant continue the affair. Like DK said, its that addiction that you are fighting and going through the withdrawals suck.

 

You will have great days where you don't even think of them and other days where you feel like you're back at square one. keep up with the NC, figure out why you had the affair, and start working on that.

 

Do things for yourself. But like people have said on here, dont drown yourself with activities, bbecause thats just going to camouflage your pain and not help you actually heal from it.

[m4p]

Oh god knows I know exactly how you feel. The urge.. The anxiety.. The feeling of wild panic. Like what am I gonna do with myself when he's no longer in my life. I find my fingers hovering over his number and just feeling SO tempted to text him. But I know that if I do it'll only make him obliged to keep in contact with me.. Out of what? Old times sake? Affection? Pity? All these are not what I want. Things like these are irreversible. Things will NEVER go back to what they were, whether the A resumes or not. If they want to be in our life, something would have been done about it. Let's not settle for in betweens or crumbs or temporary relief that will lead to more pain and misery. It's painful and so cruel.. but I hope we can be determined. *hugs*

[Southern Sun]

I have actually made a very firm decision to not contact him, so my anxiety isn't a feeling of 'should I or shouldn't I'. It's just, I cannot believe this feeling of need, emptiness, twisting, wondering, and just, ugh. I don't even logically want him. That's why I totally buy this addiction thing.

 

Notice that there are painfully few guys on here talking about how hard it is to stay 'no contact' with us girls???

 

Strong. Determined.

 

Yep.

[Rainbow00]

I have actually made a very firm decision to not contact him, so my anxiety isn't a feeling of 'should I or shouldn't I'. It's just, I cannot believe this feeling of need, emptiness, twisting, wondering, and just, ugh. I don't even logically want him. That's why I totally buy this addiction thing.

 

Notice that there are painfully few guys on here talking about how hard it is to stay 'no contact' with us girls???

 

Strong. Determined.

 

Yep.

 

I'm right there with you about the not even logically wanting him. I'm not very physically attracted to him (if at all), he has all the traits I hate - cockiness, low "book smart" intelligence, very ethnocentric... yet I still want him for some reason. I think I want the power, the control, and I want HIM to want ME, and then *I* can end things on MY terms.

 

I think it's an addiction, and for me... also the routine of chatting every day, being able to reach out to him when I wanted to. Now that I *cant* it's making me want to more. I think as men, they can separate and squash their emotions far easier. Plus, they may not have been as emotionally invested in this as women are. They are in it primarily for flirting and physical intimacy; women I feel typically want emotional fulfillment and validation.

[DKT3]

I have actually made a very firm decision to not contact him, so my anxiety isn't a feeling of 'should I or shouldn't I'. It's just, I cannot believe this feeling of need, emptiness, twisting, wondering, and just, ugh. I don't even logically want him. That's why I totally buy this addiction thing.

 

Notice that there are painfully few guys on here talking about how hard it is to stay 'no contact' with us girls???

 

Strong. Determined.

 

Yep.

Strong, Determined men don't cheat on their wives, they don't get involved with women sell them a dream then rip it away when pushed.

 

Honestly, Southern men simply don't normally get emotionally vested in OW to the extent that the OW/MW would like to believe. Men do (in general) buy into the fantasy of "what if" or "if only". Men that get involved in affairs more often then not have the ability to keep his side woman on the side, while MW tend to REPLACE their husband with the MM/OM as their primary lover. Those two thing make the ending of affairs much harder on women. Men, if not caught simply return to their marriage because the affair never caused much emotional distance with their wives.

 

That's not to say that men don't miss the affair or the OW, HOWEVER men simply don't have affairs for emotional reasons. Sex? Yes. Ego boost? Yes. Feeling important? Yes. Emotionally empty? Not so much.

[Southern Sun]

Strong, Determined men don't cheat on their wives, they don't get involved with women sell them a dream then rip it away when pushed.

 

Honestly, Southern men simply don't normally get emotionally vested in OW to the extent that the OW/MW would like to believe. Men do (in general) buy into the fantasy of "what if" or "if only". Men that get involved in affairs more often then not have the ability to keep his side woman on the side, while MW tend to REPLACE their husband with the MM/OM as their primary lover. Those two thing make the ending of affairs much harder on women. Men, if not caught simply return to their marriage because the affair never caused much emotional distance with their wives.

 

That's not to say that men don't miss the affair or the OW, HOWEVER men simply don't have affairs for emotional reasons. Sex? Yes. Ego boost? Yes. Feeling important? Yes. Emotionally empty? Not so much.

 

This is interesting. At one point he actually told me that his relationship with me did not affect his marriage. He said, did it affect it yours? I said, of course! He seemed absolutely shocked, and I was dumbfounded that he would be surprised by that.

 

When we said goodbye, though, he told me, in tears, that he loved me more than he had ever loved anyone. I think he believes it. I don't know. I don't know what to believe.

 

At the end of the day, I guess it doesn't matter anymore. We've gone our separate ways. What a mess and huge investment of emotions in a path to nowhere.

[Hope Shimmers]

Men that get involved in affairs more often then not have the ability to keep his side woman on the side, while MW tend to REPLACE their husband with the MM/OM as their primary lover. Those two thing make the ending of affairs much harder on women. Men, if not caught simply return to their marriage because the affair never caused much emotional distance with their wives.

 

Really? Where did you get this 'research'? I'm guessing it's just your 'opinion'.

 

I think it's amazing how some people profess to know it all about how it all works.

 

The fact is, OP, that what DKT says is true some of the time, but only some of the time. Every situation is different. The situation described here doesn't describe mine and doesn't describe many others I've known from here over the years.

 

I don't know your story Southern, but hang in there. NC, if that is the way you choose to go, is tough.

[jwi71]

I guess I am feeling the compulsion to make contact with the exAP, so I am posting here instead.

 

Why do I want to? It's like I have a building anxiety that I think will be relieved by connecting with him. But I know that relief will be temporary, and then I will have to face a huge set-back, mentally and emotionally. Nothing has changed.

 

Nothing good can come of it. I don't even really want to! So what the freak is my problem? I am at 11 days.

 

Wow. Seems kinda pathetic when I write it down.

 

What specifically were you hoping to hear? Accomplish? What 'need' could only be met by him?

 

Its a good question for you.

 

And...ask yourself this:

 

"Are you willing to cheat yet again on your H? To add yet another lie to your M?"

 

Oh...don't beat yourself up over this. Its human and natural. For now...an extended time frame of 'this' would be worrisome to me.

[DKT3]

Really? Where did you get this 'research'? I'm guessing it's just your 'opinion'.

 

I think it's amazing how some people profess to know it all about how it all works.

 

The fact is, OP, that what DKT says is true some of the time, but only some of the time. Every situation is different. The situation described here doesn't describe mine and doesn't describe many others I've known from here over the years.

 

I don't know your story Southern, but hang in there. NC, if that is the way you choose to go, is tough.

 

Hope, where is your exMM? With his wife?

 

Your story falls right in line with what I said. Sadly even this far out you can't and won't see it for what it truly was. The MM you have drawn the picture of here was far from as emotionally vested in your relationship as you were.

 

Lastly I never said every. You always make it sound like I'm talking absolutes. Of course there is a percentage of MM that are majorly invest, small percentage. Thus the very low percentage that actually leave their marriage. While MW leave three times as often.

 

BTW, OP pretty much showed my point was valid with the comment her exMM made.

[Hope Shimmers]

Hope, where is your exMM? With his wife?

 

Your story falls right in line with what I said. Sadly even this far out you can't and won't see it for what it truly was. The MM you have drawn the picture of here was far from as emotionally vested in your relationship as you were.

 

Lastly I never said every. You always make it sound like I'm talking absolutes. Of course there is a percentage of MM that are majorly invest, small percentage. Thus the very low percentage that actually leave their marriage. While MW leave three times as often.

 

BTW, OP pretty much showed my point was valid with the comment her exMM made.

 

You talk in 'absolutes', DKT. That was my point.

 

You don't know the first thing about me, or what my situation is. That's what is sad, even after I have told you about it in detail offline. You didn't understand the first thing about any of what I ever said to you.

[DKT3]

You talk in 'absolutes', DKT. That was my point.

 

You don't know the first thing about me, or what my situation is. That's what is sad, even after I have told you about it in detail offline. You didn't understand the first thing about any of what I ever said to you.

 

I understand it all, the thing is I'm not emotionally tied so I see it simply as a series of events in which the guy was a jerk to you, strung you along, professed his love then repeatedly broke your heart and let you down. Used you, took advantage of your good heart and the went back to his wife.

 

I notice that he is trying to start over all again.

 

Look Southern, I know the things I say here in the OM/OW section isn't always popular. I often ask question that people would like to avoid or make comments that dig in. Its because I truly believe that when we get emotionally involved we can be easy to fall into denial and become far less honest with ourselves. Abrasive at times, yet I have forged strong relationships with a lot of MW/OW here because they know I will be honest even when its not what they want to hear at the time. This includes Hope, who I've become pretty close with.

 

I think you are ahead of the curve here, your doing a great job at understanding and seeing your situation for what it is, as well as knowing the OM isn't a good fit for you. This is where you can make greater strides. Use that, shortly you will start to come up with all kinds of crazy reasons to contact him. That will be followed by you doubting your marriage and husband. Thinking that there is no way you can get it back. This is all the process of justifing your desire to contact the OM.

 

Unlike drug addicts in rehab, you aren't physically stopped from using. Use the knowledge that you have no real future with this guy, that you know he isn't right.

 

I have as much confidence in your ability to do this as any I've seen here.

[Blu72]

 

Look Southern, I know the things I say here in the OM/OW section isn't always popular. I often ask question that people would like to avoid or make comments that dig in. Its because I truly believe that when we get emotionally involved we can be easy to fall into denial and become far less honest with ourselves. Abrasive at times, yet I have forged strong relationships with a lot of MW/OW here because they know I will be honest even when its not what they want to hear at the time. This includes Hope, who I've become pretty close with.

 

I think you are ahead of the curve here, your doing a great job at understanding and seeing your situation for what it is, as well as knowing the OM isn't a good fit for you. This is where you can make greater strides. Use that, shortly you will start to come up with all kinds of crazy reasons to contact him. That will be followed by you doubting your marriage and husband. Thinking that there is no way you can get it back. This is all the process of justifing your desire to contact the OM.

 

Unlike drug addicts in rehab, you aren't physically stopped from using. Use the knowledge that you have no real future with this guy, that you know he isn't right.

 

I have as much confidence in your ability to do this as any I've seen here.

 

DKT3, I really am not a fan of your style. Not that you really care or should care what I think. But I feel you project alot and it's evident in how you come off with your advice. I will admit that when I see you post I tend to scroll past or leave the thread all together. You don't always have to be abrasive and condescending in your delivery to get your point across. Especially when people are in obvious pain and turmoil. However when you respond like you just did above, I feel that serves a person far better. It was great advice.

 

Southern..keep strong with everything you are doing. You have come significantly far toward healing.

[Southern Sun]

Really? Where did you get this 'research'? I'm guessing it's just your 'opinion'.

 

I think it's amazing how some people profess to know it all about how it all works.

 

The fact is, OP, that what DKT says is true some of the time, but only some of the time. Every situation is different. The situation described here doesn't describe mine and doesn't describe many others I've known from here over the years.

 

I don't know your story Southern, but hang in there. NC, if that is the way you choose to go, is tough.

 

Thank you Hope.

 

You're right - it's close, but the shoe doesn't exactly fit. I know exMM was able to compartmentalize us better than me; but when he said we didn't affect his marriage, it was meant more because their relationship was already down the toilet. That sounds cliche', but it truly was. I mentioned in my first post that I feel now, looking back, I may have been his exit affair.

 

I am staying NC. I really can't go back. It's hard, but in a lot of ways, being in the affair was harder.

[Cali408]

DKT3, I really am not a fan of your style. Not that you really care or should care what I think. But I feel you project alot and it's evident in how you come off with your advice. I will admit that when I see you post I tend to scroll past or leave the thread all together. You don't always have to be abrasive and condescending in your delivery to get your point across. Especially when people are in obvious pain and turmoil. However when you respond like you just did above, I feel that serves a person far better. It was great advice.

 

Southern..keep strong with everything you are doing. You have come significantly far toward healing.

 

Blu, I'm reading DKT3 and the advice is blunt, spot-on and 100% correct. It's a dose of reality and matter of fact. Sometimes when you're not doing the right thing, and you know it, you need a hug. Other times, you need to be told that you're not making a wise decision. You should appreciate that advice as well. It's a logical and correct.

[Hope Shimmers]

Blu, I'm reading DKT3 and the advice is blunt, spot-on and 100% correct. It's a dose of reality and matter of fact. Sometimes when you're not doing the right thing, and you know it, you need a hug. Other times, you need to be told that you're not making a wise decision. You should appreciate that advice as well. It's a logical and correct.

 

I too hate the callous blunt style and the black-and-white and I agree with Blu. I don't feel that there is one answer for every situation. I agree that Southern is doing the right thing with NC, but nowhere in her post did she say she was was going to break it - in fact she said she knew it was the right thing. Sometimes people just need support and not to be told a lecture on how men APs don't give a damn. It's really not helpful. Just my 2 cents.

 

Thank you Hope.

 

You're right - it's close, but the shoe doesn't exactly fit. I know exMM was able to compartmentalize us better than me; but when he said we didn't affect his marriage, it was meant more because their relationship was already down the toilet. That sounds cliche', but it truly was. I mentioned in my first post that I feel now, looking back, I may have been his exit affair.

 

I am staying NC. I really can't go back. It's hard, but in a lot of ways, being in the affair was harder.

 

Being in the A is definitely harder and you have to keep remembering that.

 

I can relate to that feeling of anxiety that you mentioned earlier. It was the thing that almost tore me apart. It was almost pathologic. I remember calling it 'panic' and like you said, it wasn't a panic as to whether or not you would hear from him, it was a panic knowing you wouldn't. It was the worst.

 

Hang in there. It gets better.