No, Southern. No. Bad girl!

[jbrent890]

I too hate the callous blunt style and the black-and-white and I agree with Blu. I don't feel that there is one answer for every situation. I agree that Southern is doing the right thing with NC, but nowhere in her post did she say she was was going to break it - in fact she said she knew it was the right thing. Sometimes people just need support and not to be told a lecture on how men APs don't give a damn. It's really not helpful. Just my 2 cents.

 

 

 

Being in the A is definitely harder and you have to keep remembering that.

 

I can relate to that feeling of anxiety that you mentioned earlier. It was the thing that almost tore me apart. It was almost pathologic. I remember calling it 'panic' and like you said, it wasn't a panic as to whether or not you would hear from him, it was a panic knowing you wouldn't. It was the worst.

 

Hang in there. It gets better.

 

But he wasn't lecturing her though. She said that she doesn't see a lot of men on here mourning their AP's and he explained why that may be the case. I think we have been over this time and time again on this site that men and women approach affairs differently, with most (not all) men having an easier time getting over their affairs.

[Hope Shimmers]

But he wasn't lecturing her though. She said that she doesn't see a lot of men on here mourning their AP's and he explained why that may be the case. I think we have been over this time and time again on this site that men and women approach affairs differently, with most (not all) men having an easier time getting over their affairs.

 

No, he didn't explain why that "might" be the case, he said why that definitely WAS the case. That's what drives me nuts. No one knows what goes on in any given situation. No one actually knows what goes on "in general" or "usually" just by looking at what happens and doesn't happen on this forum. This forum represents a tiny fraction of a tinier fraction of a miniscule fraction of .0000000001% of all the people in As on this earth. No way can generalizations be made about all As based on posts here or the absence of them.

 

My ex-MM acted like a total a** and treated me terribly. But I understand in hindsight that much of it was because of fear and what he viewed as his emotional dependency on me. He even told me at one point when he went back to his wife that part of the reason was because he knew I was going to leave and hurt him anyway, and his W never would.

 

I suffered for years to get over the A. But it was less about getting over HIM than it was about getting over what happened overall. I realize that probably doesn't make sense to most people who haven't been there.

 

In any event I gave my opinion and I won't push it anymore. Everyone is entitled to theirs.

[lovinDKT3]

Strong, Determined men don't cheat on their wives, they don't get involved with women sell them a dream then rip it away when pushed.

 

Honestly, Southern men simply don't normally get emotionally vested in OW to the extent that the OW/MW would like to believe. Men do (in general) buy into the fantasy of "what if" or "if only". Men that get involved in affairs more often then not have the ability to keep his side woman on the side, while MW tend to REPLACE their husband with the MM/OM as their primary lover. Those two thing make the ending of affairs much harder on women. Men, if not caught simply return to their marriage because the affair never caused much emotional distance with their wives.

 

That's not to say that men don't miss the affair or the OW, HOWEVER men simply don't have affairs for emotional reasons. Sex? Yes. Ego boost? Yes. Feeling important? Yes. Emotionally empty? Not so much.

 

I just don't understand why you continue to make it sound like he speaks for every man in every case. I don't understand your fascination with MY man. I didn't say anything when you told him being with me was a mistake. Your attacking him and trying to goat him into debates need to stop.

 

OP, sorry for the slight T/J. I think if your idea and plan is to stay in your marriage then really those things shouldn't matter. If your with your husband does it matter if OM is or isn't in pain over the ending of the affair? Those thoughts just keep you trapped in the affair. You have to let go, its not easy but you can't do that if you continue to dwell on it. You have to stop, if not what's the options? Stay stuck until your husband figures out what you've been up?

 

I tried NC 5 times, the first 4 I didn't really want to so it didn't work. Once you really want to you can and will do it. Its not an easy road, but ask yourself would it be easy to walk a road without your husband? That is what's on the opposite side of the scale.

 

Good luck, and again sorry for the T/J.

[Hope Shimmers]

I just don't understand why you continue to make it sound like he speaks for every man in every case. I don't understand your fascination with MY man. I didn't say anything when you told him being with me was a mistake. Your attacking him and trying to goat him into debates need to stop.

 

I'm assuming that since you said this was a t/j, it's directed at me.

 

Does he need you to speak for him? I'm not understanding that.

 

I am not trying to 'goad' anyone into a debate. That is the last thing I want. I disagree with the abrasive crass approach and statements of "fact" and I am not the only one who has said so. It is my opinion only, and I have made that clear. I reacted to comments that were directed specifically AT me that I did not appreciate. Don't worry lovin, he's all yours. Now please let's move on, as I said before.

[Southern Sun]

I think if your idea and plan is to stay in your marriage then really those things shouldn't matter. If your with your husband does it matter if OM is or isn't in pain over the ending of the affair? Those thoughts just keep you trapped in the affair. You have to let go, its not easy but you can't do that if you continue to dwell on it. You have to stop, if not what's the options? Stay stuck until your husband figures out what you've been up?

 

I tried NC 5 times, the first 4 I didn't really want to so it didn't work. Once you really want to you can and will do it. Its not an easy road, but ask yourself would it be easy to walk a road without your husband? That is what's on the opposite side of the scale.

 

Good luck, and again sorry for the T/J.

 

I just feel the need to point out that this thread, from my POV, was not about what the OM was feeling and thinking. DKT brought that up and I responded. This was all about my desire to stay NC and just reaching out to the community for help in dealing with the crazy feelings.

 

I've totally and completely decided. It's my husband or bust.

[Hope Shimmers]

I just feel the need to point out that this thread, from my POV, was not about what the OM was feeling and thinking. DKT brought that up and I responded. This was all about my desire to stay NC and just reaching out to the community for help in dealing with the crazy feelings.

 

I've totally and completely decided. It's my husband or bust.

 

Yeah, that's what I said above too - nowhere in your original post did you say anything about OM's thoughts/feelings. It was just about your desire to stay NC.

 

I'm glad you decided to dedicate to your H. I don't think you will be sorry. It won't be easy, but nothing of value ever is.