'Self Sex' and Fantasizing About Another Woman - Cheating?

[Adv1c3S33k3r555]

Hi All,

 

I have recently been having a great deal of anxiety about something and I wanted to get other guys opinions.

 

I am currently in a relationship with my girlfriend who I love, and I would never in a million years cheat on her.

 

Recently while masturbating, I actually fantasized about another woman while watching porn. This is somebody who I had past sexual experiences with, but do not (and won't) come in contact with in my current relationship. Hypothetically, if any situation presented itself with this woman, I would never act on it, or even consider it, and I have no feelings towards this woman. It was strictly a fantasy which I used during masturbation.

 

I have been experiencing anxiety about this lately, somehow convincing myself that I "cheated". Obviously, if my girlfriend knew this was my fantasy, she would not approve. One part of me says that it's cheating because of the hypothetical lack of approval, and the other side of me says that it was strictly a fantasy, and it was not real. It was simply in my mind.

 

I wanted to get other guys thoughts on this, including your experience. Thanks.

[lakerman34]

Some people call it "emotional cheating," but I think that's a bunch of BS. There are other beautiful people in this world, and just because your imagination allows you to have sex with them doesn't mean you actually will when push comes to shove.

 

If a woman tries to control this, that is giving up too much control, IMO. I wouldn't even talk to her about it. It's COMPLETELY innocent, just as long as you know that in your heart, you would never actually physically cheat on her.

[barcode88]

Naa you're fine. Tug away.

[PegNosePete]

How would you feel if the roles were reversed? If your gf was thinking about an ex while watching porn and masturbating? That is usually a pretty good indicator of morality.

[Adv1c3S33k3r555]

How would you feel if the roles were reversed? If your gf was thinking about an ex while watching porn and masturbating? That is usually a pretty good indicator of morality.

 

Of course, this isn't something I, or anyone else for that matter, would want to hear. But at the time this was happening, I was honestly just looking at this as exploring my own imagination, and nothing further.

 

So yes, it's obviously not something that would make me happy about her doing. But at the same time, it's really a harmless imagination which effects nobody but myself.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm kind of on the fence about this.

 

On one hand I agree that fantasizing about other people while masturbating isn't anything new for most people and normally wouldn't be considered cheating BUT if you're masturbating about someone you have/had a crush on in REAL life...yeah...tricky.

 

Having said that, I'm not sure I would label it "cheating" necessarily but rather just grossly inappropriate.

 

I suppose if it isn't getting in the way of your feelings or sex life with your current girlfriend, maybe it's fine. I don't know.

 

Regardless, I'd tread carefully on this one. When it's too close to home you run the risk of it becoming an issue...eventually.

 

Good luck.

[Adv1c3S33k3r555]

I'm kind of on the fence about this.

 

On one hand I agree that fantasizing about other people while masturbating isn't anything new for most people and normally wouldn't be considered cheating BUT if you're masturbating about someone you have/had a crush on in REAL life...yeah...tricky.

 

Having said that, I'm not sure I would label it "cheating" necessarily but rather just grossly inappropriate.

 

I suppose if it isn't getting in the way of your feelings or sex life with your current girlfriend, maybe it's fine. I don't know.

 

Regardless, I'd tread carefully on this one. When it's too close to home you run the risk of it becoming an issue...eventually.

 

Good luck.

 

To be honest, I've already made the decision that I'm never going to have these internal fantasies while I do that again. I just feel incredibly guilty for even doing it in the first place.

 

The other side of me says, all I did was masturbate to a porn video. Everything else which I am manufacturing is strictly in my own mind.

[central]

Last I heard, what goes on in the privacy of your own thoughts is perfectly fine. Only by acting on those ideas in real life does it become cheating. We can imagine all kinds of things we'd never do. And fantasy is the only way I can have a threesome - most of the time, anyway. Besides, I know my wife has her fantasies, some of which may involve past lovers, as do I. It's normal, and doesn't bother us, because we don't DO anything about it in real life. We can be honest with each other about it, too - if either of us were judgmental or unrealistic about human nature, we'd probably just keep our thoughts to ourselves.

[Davey L]

I think it's fine. Keep pulling you pudding to whatever fantasies you want. And in response to the comment about how you would feel if the roles were reversed - I'd be fine with that too if my wife were doing it. But I wouldn't be happy if she told me. It's private, keep it that way and keep tossing one off to whatever turns you on.

[smackie9]

It's fantasy not reality....and whatever goes on in your head is nobody's business. We are only human and we are going to be attracted to other people, no matter what. If anyone says different is a big fat liar.

 

No one needs to know what characters are playing in your masturbation theater. and yes tug on!

[smackie9]

To be honest, I've already made the decision that I'm never going to have these internal fantasies while I do that again. I just feel incredibly guilty for even doing it in the first place.

 

The other side of me says, all I did was masturbate to a porn video. Everything else which I am manufacturing is strictly in my own mind.

 

 

Sex therapists say that fantasizing is it just a healthy part of having sex/masturbation. No different if you use sex aids. You are not replacing your partner.

[JohnsonBaby]

That's the best part of it all ,the fantasy .Dont see nothing wrong with tht.

[blackcat777]

Was it a passing fantasy, a fleeting need for variety?

 

Is it something you're fixated with all the time?

 

Is it something you think about during sex with your GF?

 

If it was just a passing fantasy... I wouldn't worry. Personally, thinking about a few of my exes while masturbating would kill the mood pretty quick.

 

But sometimes people think about strange things while they masturbate. True story. It's human nature.

[Adv1c3S33k3r555]

Was it a passing fantasy, a fleeting need for variety?

 

Is it something you're fixated with all the time?

 

Is it something you think about during sex with your GF?

 

If it was just a passing fantasy... I wouldn't worry. Personally, thinking about a few of my exes while masturbating would kill the mood pretty quick.

 

But sometimes people think about strange things while they masturbate. True story. It's human nature.

 

It was strictly a fantasy used during masturbation as a way to explore other things in my mind. I don't think about it when I'm actually with my GF, and am definitely not fixated on it.

 

The only thing I'm fixated on is the idea that I did something wrong by doing this.

[smackie9]

You did nothing wrong. Surely you know the difference between fantasy and real life. It's not taking over your life so you are ok.

[Adv1c3S33k3r555]

You did nothing wrong. Surely you know the difference between fantasy and real life. It's not taking over your life so you are ok.

 

Thank you for all your help/advice. I obviously do know the difference between fantasy/reality. I just think I'm creating guilt out of this situation where nothing really existed in the first place (i.e. everything was in my mind). I think I just need to take a deep breath, relax, and realize that this fantasy was just that - a fantasy.

[carhill]

One area our MC delineated was how fantasy played into everyday marital interactions, essentially the remnants of the thoughts and feelings relevant to the fantasy and their interplay in the health of the relationship. If the fantasy worked in the realm of sexual release and then was gone, as is typical, and had no impact on one's interactions with a partner, then it is presumed to not interfere with a healthy interpersonal relationship. OTOH, if remnants did intrude on one's relationship, with one example comparing one's partner to the fantasy and coloring interactions with that comparison, then that could bear scrutiny.

 

In the case of the OP, since the fantasy person was someone they had prior sexual contact with, with relevant feelings unknown, worthy question IMO. Much depends on their psychology and how well they compartmentalize. One indication of that could be that they can use the memory of the person as an orgasm aid and still state they have no feelings regarding the person. If true, that shows compartmentalization that should cause few if no ill effects in their relationship interactions.

[preraph]

I think it's funny you think that's cheating but you see nothing wrong with watching porn, which is also fantasizing about having sex with those women. I don't see the difference, really. Except maybe your conscience may be telling you about a vulnerability there.

[Adv1c3S33k3r555]

One area our MC delineated was how fantasy played into everyday marital interactions, essentially the remnants of the thoughts and feelings relevant to the fantasy and their interplay in the health of the relationship. If the fantasy worked in the realm of sexual release and then was gone, as is typical, and had no impact on one's interactions with a partner, then it is presumed to not interfere with a healthy interpersonal relationship. OTOH, if remnants did intrude on one's relationship, with one example comparing one's partner to the fantasy and coloring interactions with that comparison, then that could bear scrutiny.

 

In the case of the OP, since the fantasy person was someone they had prior sexual contact with, with relevant feelings unknown, worthy question IMO. Much depends on their psychology and how well they compartmentalize. One indication of that could be that they can use the memory of the person as an orgasm aid and still state they have no feelings regarding the person. If true, that shows compartmentalization that should cause few if no ill effects in their relationship interactions.

 

In regards to your latter comment, there are zero feelings which I have towards this woman. And I have absolutely no contact with this person. Again, I was just using it as a way to add 'variety'. It didn't interfere with our sex life, because in this case I happened to be home alone all day and feeling a little 'on-edge'.

[Adv1c3S33k3r555]

I think it's funny you think that's cheating but you see nothing wrong with watching porn, which is also fantasizing about having sex with those women. I don't see the difference, really. Except maybe your conscience may be telling you about a vulnerability there.

 

You make a good point. I think it's because the fact it was someone I previously knew and had experiences with made it a little closer to home. Even though I know in my heart I would never cheat on my GF.

[aliveagain]

So who's going to rat you out? What's the problem? I had visions of sticking lit sticks of dynamite up O/M's a$$, should I turn myself in?

Edited March 24, 2015 by aliveagain

[deathandtaxes]

You're fine. We all fantasize. During masturbation. During sex, for that matter. It happens. You can't control it. Why feel guilty over it?

[scarlettohara]

I dont think you are a bad person...obviously yo are concerned about this andasking about it so it means you care. I would think that it is a little dangerous to fantasize about someone you personally know...it could lead to more. I cant tell you what to masturbate about, but if your GF is against the porn and it is taking from your relationship...I would try to reguide your thoughts a little.

[Adv1c3S33k3r555]

I dont think you are a bad person...obviously yo are concerned about this andasking about it so it means you care. I would think that it is a little dangerous to fantasize about someone you personally know...it could lead to more. I cant tell you what to masturbate about, but if your GF is against the porn and it is taking from your relationship...I would try to reguide your thoughts a little.

 

Thanks for your response.

 

I totally understand the logic behind someone saying that me fantasizing about a person who I actually know is 'dangerous' because it could potentially lead to more. I cannot emphasize enough that there is a zero percent chance I would ever act on anything with this woman, or any other woman. Absolutely no chance. I would never do that to my gf.

 

My gf is not against me watching porn, and it really has not had any effect on our relationship. I very rarely (maybe once every month or two) watch porn, ad really only do it when sex is not an option.

 

Given this experience, I definitely am going to reguide my thoughts when any instance of masturbation arises again. I have just been putting myself on a guilt trip because of this one instance where I happened to fantasize about someone else while watching porn.

[carhill]

OP, a question:

 

Have you noted this fantasy to be a pattern over time or find it new to this particular point in life? As example, when with the past sexual partner about whom you've apparently fantasized, did you fantasize about someone else, similarly?

 

The delineation I noted for myself, relevant to my own style, was when such fantasies translated from self-sex to partner-sex. When that happened, I knew immediately that a big canary had died and some major marital work by myself was due to be performed. I don't get that sense from you but offer it as one example of a dividing line between healthy fantasy and unhealthy fantasy.

 

It's quite possible that your girlfriend has similar fantasies during masturbation. Here you state:

 

So yes, it's obviously not something that would make me happy about her doing. But at the same time, it's really a harmless imagination which effects nobody but myself.

 

 

So, how do you propose to reconcile that, meaning your expressed unhappiness versus describing the behavior as harmless imagination which affects nobody but oneself. IMO, if you can resolve that to a neutral state, then the effects on the relationship likely will be minimal.