'Self Sex' and Fantasizing About Another Woman - Cheating?

[kendahke]

No one can climb into your head and direct traffic, least of all your girlfriend.

 

In my book, cheating is when you engage another person, person to person, real time in emotional or physical intimacy when you are already involved/committed to someone to whom you've declared your exclusivity.

[Adv1c3S33k3r555]

OP, a question:

 

Have you noted this fantasy to be a pattern over time or find it new to this particular point in life? As example, when with the past sexual partner about whom you've apparently fantasized, did you fantasize about someone else, similarly?

 

The delineation I noted for myself, relevant to my own style, was when such fantasies translated from self-sex to partner-sex. When that happened, I knew immediately that a big canary had died and some major marital work by myself was due to be performed. I don't get that sense from you but offer it as one example of a dividing line between healthy fantasy and unhealthy fantasy.

 

It's quite possible that your girlfriend has similar fantasies during masturbation. Here you state:

 

So, how do you propose to reconcile that, meaning your expressed unhappiness versus describing the behavior as harmless imagination which affects nobody but oneself. IMO, if you can resolve that to a neutral state, then the effects on the relationship likely will be minimal.

 

When you say that the delineation for yourself was when it translated from self-sex to partner sex, what do you mean exactly? Are you saying you realized it was a problem when you started fantasizing about other women when you were actually being intimate with your partner? Personally, I do not find myself doing this. When I'm with her, I'm with her.

 

In response to your first question, I honestly think that I have always fantasized about other women to some extent while in any relationship. Previously, I never felt the guilt I have been feeling now. I think the reason for that is the fact that I made plenty of mistakes in past relationships when I was younger, and I am at the point in my life where I feel like I can see very clearly regarding what I want. I very much want to be a man with integrity, and know that I would never cheat on my gf. But I can't help but feel that this fantasy during masturbation somehow violated the integrity which I am striving for, regardless of the fact that I have no desire/intentions to actually act on anything of that nature.

 

In terms of how I am going to reconcile my thoughts of it being a harmless fantasy versus the guilt I am feeling.....that is currently something I'm trying to figure out haha.

[carhill]

When you say that the delineation for yourself was when it translated from self-sex to partner sex, what do you mean exactly? Are you saying you realized it was a problem when you started fantasizing about other women when you were actually being intimate with your partner? Personally, I do not find myself doing this. When I'm with her, I'm with her.

Yep, you got it.

 

In response to your first question, I honestly think that I have always fantasized about other women to some extent while in any relationship.

Some men do, some don't. Similarly, amongst those who do, some have relationships-related issues and some don't.

 

Previously, I never felt the guilt I have been feeling now. I think the reason for that is the fact that I made plenty of mistakes in past relationships when I was younger, and I am at the point in my life where I feel like I can see very clearly regarding what I want. I very much want to be a man with integrity, and know that I would never cheat on my gf.

Do you feel you have control over your fantasies? Can you change or focus that dynamic to match up with what you want? Why?

But I can't help but feel that this fantasy during masturbation somehow violated the integrity which I am striving for, regardless of the fact that I have no desire/intentions to actually act on anything of that nature.

Since those thoughts apparently haven't occurred to you prior, what do you think has changed now?

 

In terms of how I am going to reconcile my thoughts of it being a harmless fantasy versus the guilt I am feeling.....that is currently something I'm trying to figure out haha.

 

Ha, it's not a test and there isn't a 'right' or 'wrong' answer, rather finding out what works for you and feels healthy to you and matching that up with similar aspects in your partner so you're on the same page, at minimum with communication and understanding.

 

Lastly, being on the other end of life, my major takeaway is that it is always changing, and us along with it. Hence, what you may not have felt as a younger man, you're feeling now, and vice-versa. Growth and change are natural. What remains is matching those aspects up with what you believe is your life path and deciding who with and how you share that life path. Fun stuff.

[Adv1c3S33k3r555]

Do you feel you have control over your fantasies? Can you change or focus that dynamic to match up with what you want? Why? Since those thoughts apparently haven't occurred to you prior, what do you think has changed now?

 

Absolutely. It's not that I find myself constantly fantsasizing and I can't control it. It's really just this one instance which I was doing it while masturbating which is causing me difficulty.

 

Honestly, the reason that it is causing me so much guilt now is because of my past relationship mistakes with past girlfriends. In a very summarized sense, I made tons of mistakes while I was in college and was dating other women, primarily due to my immaturity and just not being ready for a serious relationship. Ever since then, I have had a lot of time to reflect on my mistakes and I had promised myself that I wouldn't do anything even close to what I had done previously.

 

This one masturbation fantasy I had is sort of awakening the past demons of past relationship mistakes. My conscience is sort of telling me 'you fantasized about someone else during masturbation, therefore you betrayed your partner's trust and you are a bad person'. Even though I didn't really 'do anything', this whole scenario is sort of making it seem like I made some huge mistake in my current relationship.

 

 

 

Ha, it's not a test and there isn't a 'right' or 'wrong' answer, rather finding out what works for you and feels healthy to you and matching that up with similar aspects in your partner so you're on the same page, at minimum with communication and understanding.

 

Lastly, being on the other end of life, my major takeaway is that it is always changing, and us along with it. Hence, what you may not have felt as a younger man, you're feeling now, and vice-versa. Growth and change are natural. What remains is matching those aspects up with what you believe is your life path and deciding who with and how you share that life path. Fun stuff.

 

Totally agree. If you were in my shoes, would this be something where you would feel guilty about to the point where you would have to 'confess' to your GF about it? Truly, everything that happened was 100% in my own mind, and really had no effect whatsoever on my relationship. My rationale side is telling me that 'EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED IS NOT REAL, IT'S ALL IN YOUR MIND', but the irrational side is saying 'SHE WOULD NOT APPROVE OF SUCH FANTASIES'.

 

Clearly, I'm having some difficulty internally about this.

[barcode88]

I think people are over analyzing this. It's only cheating if you have feelings for the person you fantasize about, but that's a totally different story.

 

I've had some mind blowing sex in my past, and if I'm looking to get off by myself in private, you bet I'll be thinking of those memories