Hope Shimmers Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Ex-Ap left his wife three months ago. He contacted me at the time. I didn't reply because I didn't believe it and thought nothing of it. He has filed for divorce, apparently (of course, he did that before) and I know he has moved out again. He has tried to be in touch with me since then, but I have not responded. In the last 3 months I have thought over and over... no WAY. Mostly that. But just maybe. But it would have to be years down the road, with him WAY divorced. He said he never stopped loving me. At this point, I don't know if I ever loved him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 This is one area where I really don't envy women at all, dealing with persistent guys who just won't leave them alone. IME, this is where MW's shine. Even with contact means in place, once they or I end things, they end things. The end. Fade to black. I respect that! Any way to terminate contact means? I would think there are. What I do when men bug me is politely tell them to knock it off and then block them. So far, stronger measures have not been necessary. Men are always wanting something, whether it's a free favor from me or sex from you. Pass. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Hope! Hope! Hope! You are way too good for this guy- he has shown himself to be less than admirable in his dealings with life- I know he meant something to you at one point but he had his chance with you and he blew it-he is beneath you in the human part of life- 6 Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 You probably did love him at some point during the relationship. But after all that has happened, comes the part where you're scratching your head wondering if the love was for real. Its best to leave the feelings in the old box where it truly belongs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Yeah with all you've been through it would have to be years after he was divorced. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 In the last 3 months I have thought over and over... no WAY. Mostly that. But just maybe. But it would have to be years down the road, with him WAY divorced. i really hope this xAP is not the same xAP that abandoned you while you were going through the tragedy of losing your (his) child. if it is... if you're actually thinking about MAYBE being with him? i'm speechless. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope Shimmers Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 I thought about posting this when it happened, but I know I'm not ever going back to him, so it seemed pointless. But then last night something another member said to me just rubbed me totally the wrong way ("It is clear that he was nowhere near as emotionally invested in you as you were in him" and "Where is ex-AP? With his wife?") and I am just SOOO tired of know-it-alls who think they are experts on every situation and who spout off as if they know what I went through better than I do. Especially people that never went through something similar in the first place. I despise the condescending, uncaring, know-it-all attitude to people who have gone through the worst pain. That is why I posted - thank you for the vent! Ex-AP was probably more emotionally invested than I was for the first few years. He lived in fear that I would leave the relationship, which is why things became so toxic with his jealousy and his controlling me and eventually his gaslighting to beat me into the ground so that I lost all of my independence. Never going back there again! He is doomed in his marriage. There is only so long people can force themselves to be in a situation where they aren't happy and don't want to be. I want to think of him as a total a**hole, but the truth is that he is just a broken, insecure, unhappy man. It didn't help that it was the anniversary of our daughter's death recently. That never gets any easier. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope Shimmers Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 i really hope this xAP is not the same xAP that abandoned you while you were going through the tragedy of losing your (his) child. if it is... if you're actually thinking about MAYBE being with him? i'm speechless. No, I am not thinking of 'maybe' being with him. I think about what would have happened if everything was different. It never will be. I posted to vent. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 OP, good point about triggers and why NC, even to the point of avoiding discussion of aspects of the past interaction, can be beneficial to healing. I went through a similar period early-on, probably back in 2010-11 but, fortunately, the MW never contacted me again. The only 'contacts' came from hackers who harvested my e-mail address from her address book on her computer and sent spam, but it was her name which appeared on the e-mails so that could have been a trigger. The interim work and completely avoiding anything relevant to the past affair did wonders when encountering triggers, the most recent of which was a LinkedIn invite from her, complete with picture (not from her; they harvest personal information) after she got her real estate license. I found myself happy for her success and hoped her new profession could help she and her boyfriend grow his business; no triggers of past emotions at all, and I had felt them to some degree for nearly 30 years prior. NC is good stuff, IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 I posted to vent. good. that guy is an abuser and wouldn't know what healthy love is to save his life. you deserve so, so much better. and i really hope he'll get what he deserves, what he did was cruel & inexcusable. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnie33 Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 (edited) Hope I have been following your posts since I came here and you are always one of my favorite posters. Your are always so genuine, strong but empathetic also. This guy isn't good enough for you, not after all the ways he has hurt you. I think you lost a lot of respect for him and the way he handled things all these years and love and respect go hand in hand. Edited March 17, 2015 by Ronnie33 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Stay strong Hope...stay strong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Hugs to you, Hope. I always enjoy reading your posts whether they are in response to mine or another members. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope Shimmers Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 OP, good point about triggers and why NC, even to the point of avoiding discussion of aspects of the past interaction, can be beneficial to healing. I went through a similar period early-on, probably back in 2010-11 but, fortunately, the MW never contacted me again. The only 'contacts' came from hackers who harvested my e-mail address from her address book on her computer and sent spam, but it was her name which appeared on the e-mails so that could have been a trigger. The interim work and completely avoiding anything relevant to the past affair did wonders when encountering triggers, the most recent of which was a LinkedIn invite from her, complete with picture (not from her; they harvest personal information) after she got her real estate license. I found myself happy for her success and hoped her new profession could help she and her boyfriend grow his business; no triggers of past emotions at all, and I had felt them to some degree for nearly 30 years prior. NC is good stuff, IMO. Wow... 30 years. That is a long time. I am at the point now where his emails don't trigger me. I hear from him through my attorney every month (kind of ) when he makes payments on the money he owes me. Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Hope, I was confused as to your intentions with him from reading your initial post. Now, I am feeling that you won't restart ANY relationship with him, at least I hope you won't. The past is the past. Those feelings back then can never be rekindled as they were because so much has happened. I hope you block him from contacting you. I thought you had blocked him. I hope he continues to pay off his financial debt to you. I truly hope you close the door on him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope Shimmers Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 good. that guy is an abuser and wouldn't know what healthy love is to save his life. you deserve so, so much better. and i really hope he'll get what he deserves, what he did was cruel & inexcusable. Thanks. I totally agree. There is no excuse for what he did. (A fact which he admitted to me voluntarily long after the fact). Way too little, too late. Hope I have been following your posts since I came here and you are always one of my favorite posters. Your are always so genuine, strong but empathetic also. This guy isn't good enough for you, not after all the ways he has hurt you. I think you lost a lot of respect for him and the way he handled things all these years and love and respect go hand in hand. Thanks Ronnie. I appreciate it. I lost my respect for him long ago. What was really sad was that I also lost my respect for myself throughout this. I have been getting that back. Stay strong Hope...stay strong. Thank you Michelle. Hugs to you, Hope. I always enjoy reading your posts whether they are in response to mine or another members. Thanks GoldieLox. I really appreciate that, and the kind words. So many great people here. And so much pain. It's overwhelming. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 I think about what would have happened if everything was different. It never will be. I posted to vent. I'm totally hearing that. He'd be the perfect man for me, if only... if ONLY. It's always those #$%*^@*# "if only's." Doesn't it drive ya NUTS?! But yeah, he put you through too much pain. There's some things a person just can't come back from. I can only imagine what he's put his W through over the years. It must have been horrible. No... Toxic radioactive heaps of waste should be avoided at all costs. You have no time for it. {{{hugs}}} Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope Shimmers Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 No... Toxic radioactive heaps of waste should be avoided at all costs. For sure.... I am having the third date this coming weekend with a man who is 33 years old. (I am ... um... older than that ). Life does go on! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Hope, Too much damage has been done to hope for a healthy future. You sound so much stronger! It's fitting you well. You are going to be just fine.... Vent away... Link to post Share on other sites
SleekArchitecture Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 You have been through so much. This guy sounds like he has a type of psychopathy. I am glad you are staying away and doing better for yourself. Many can learn from their mistakes, grow, learn, and change stripes. He does not sound like one of them. Past behavior of abuse, pathological lying, desertion during grief of losing a child, and asking for money, is predictable of future behavior. Glad you are way way way away from this certain miserable future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope Shimmers Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 Thanks guys. It has taken me a really long time, but now I feel like I have myself back. I look forward to things. I want to go out with other people and I want to do fun things that I used to do before him. I never, ever thought I would get there. I hope that gives some hope to others here who are going through the same kind of pain. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 And as a side note I'm happy to read you're getting your monthly payment from him! Yay for you! Money you thought you'd never see again - hooray! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope Shimmers Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 And as a side note I'm happy to read you're getting your monthly payment from him! Yay for you! Money you thought you'd never see again - hooray! Thanks beach... mostly he has paid every month Although at the rate that I let him repay, I will be dragging myself around in a wheelchair by the time it's paid off. But yes, every bit is more than I ever thought I would get Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Hope...keep shimmering. Big hugs and tons of support. Link to post Share on other sites
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