Broke NC - 2 marriages in crisis over EA?

[starglider]

I am stuck and I messed up. I've had contact with my xEA partner during my separation. It has morphed into a new type of pain.

 

Background: I had what I'd define as an EA (or maybe just my own projection/infatuation?). We were in regular contact through work, emails, texting for six months until Christmas. Fun and friendly connection. Last time we saw each other we both said ILU, but awkwardly without eye contact, with a half hug. Then NC/LC from him for about 6 weeks. I reached out, he pulled back mysteriously/dramatically, but then he reached out occasionally and a bit via FB. (whole store in my previous thread)

 

I missed him and my heart hurt terribly - it felt like a breakup. Felt sad to be rejected as a friend too, though he kept the lines open for future work. I mourned it and turned attention back to my M. I decided: "people come into and out of our lives for a reason" and the EA man came into my life to make me examine my M. Told H about my infatuation. We worked on our M. By early Feb, I felt trapped by M and we started discussing separation and D. Around this time xEA came back in my life through work.

 

We mainly kept our professional boundaries and have never spoken of the ILUs. But we'd both have quick emotional outpourings. The time I learned about his separation, I hadn't seen him in 6 weeks he hugged me so hard, like he was going to die, and told me he has been very emotional because he got separated and that's why he's been out of contact. He needed a favor and said "you are the only one I could turn to."

 

I didn't tell him about my M problems - initially. But after staying professional, I broke down and cried and told OM about my situation and me contemplating D. He hugged me and was supportive and gave good advice and felt like a real friend. "Work on yourself, take care of yourself. I'm working on my self-esteem, etc." It felt tragic, like here we both were at a very scary and sobering cliff in our lives, and surreal to be there at the same time.

 

Now our boundaries alternate between talking briefly about our Ms, our separations, what we're doing to work on ourselves, our IC sessions, how our kids are doing, and at other times we both pull back and just talk about work and nothing personal. Sometimes hugging, sometimes he avoids being alone with me, sometimes handshakes, one time he took my formal handshake and held on my hand with both of his hands so tenderly and emotionally, as if he were in great pain and my connection to him mattered a lot. This blur between professional and intimate is confusing but we're both doing it.

 

Given that we don't talk directly about any feelings we may have (or have had) for each other, it somehow feels like we're taking the high road. At one point I told him there was no crisis in my M because there was no abuse and no one had an affair or anything. OM looked at me peculiarly (maybe because I glossed over what I see as our own EA history with this comment?). He then followed suit and said there hadn't been any of that in his M either.

 

I've been deliberate in not giving him advice on if he should stay married or split up because only he and his W can know. At one point he said he wasn't going to take sides in my case, then said he changed his mind, that he was my friend and he was on my side and started pointing out my H's faults and why I should kick him out. He also showed off the ways he excelled where my H falls short (namely OM's great work effort and his self improvement efforts). I didn't need to see him brag about himself and put down my H, though he was right in this case. I felt messed up for how I let my M get into this situation. I left quickly and my voice showed I was about to cry. It felt intrusive on his part, but it also made me admire him and feel lucky for his wife that he was trying hard on self-improvement.

 

He pulled back a lot since talking about my H in a negative way - avoiding time alone with me, setting more boundaries. But when we are alone, he's bringing up more personal and painful info than in the old days. He told me he is depressed, his mind in obsessing, and he wants to go on anti-depression meds. I had some insights into them and told him about my H on them. I may be imagining it, but I thought my comment about us doing ok when we're under the same roof (because of the meds) made him sad. OM and his W have been struggling now that they are back under the same roof. I think they've done better now that he's pulled back from me this week - makes sense.

 

Today I get it that my next step forward in marriage limbo really has to be getting the EA man out of my thoughts and life. In a co-dependent way, I feel like I'm trying to rescue him/care for and be there for him instead of working on myself. And obviously, "being there" for him is his wife's role. I realize that I'm totally attached to him again but in a different way. Strangely, it is a deeper feeling of love than the initial "puppy love" EA. I'm more worried that my fantasy is that we both end up single and date in the future, like six months after we work on ourselves. I'd never say this him. But I want him happy and that is probably with her - I think they seem good for each other in many ways.

 

I think there is a 90% likelyhood that the OM does not have romantic feelings for me even though I do for him and sees me as a friend while he is trying to save his M. Maybe a 5% chance the OM loves me too and is behaving with integrity - trying to keep boundaries and not trying to lead me on. 4% thinks he is totally confused now that he hears I'm having M problems too, and 1% wonders if this is the long con - is this some major lie he's telling me just to move things to a PA right now?

 

We only have 2-3 more times we'd be in contact through work, and I can shift all these to my H.

 

My question is, do I just go into NC and talk about boundaries to focus on our Ms thus no more work and thanks for being there for me … or do I have a frank discussion opening up about my take on what I consider was an EA and it is too hard for me to have him in my thoughts and life so much right now, and I'm sorry if this had an impact on his M?

[DKT3]

I don't have any advise that you will listen too, since you haven't to this point. I just wanted to wish you luck, and to say I hope you understand what's going on before you ruin your life totally.

 

Good luck.

[starglider]

DKT3,

 

Your response jolts me. I do value your insights and your take on things. I have broken NC against your and everyone's good advice (with H's consent), but I haven't had a PA.

 

My H and I are in partial separation, contemplating D. I decided in IC I wouldn't date/have sex with men during separation, only after D (if it happens). My H knows this decision. He doesn't care so much as he suggested we have an open M for my sake because he's been uninterested in sex for quite a while. He wants to stay M but will let me go if that is what I want.

 

I had hoped the OM was in love with me when I heard about his separation but my gutt says it isn't so. But your dismissive comment of me not listening makes me think you stand your ground and think he is a serial cheater. At first I thought "no, I can't be being played ... what type of person could claim to be separated for six weeks if this is a lie?" And surely there are easier and faster ways to score with women for him.

 

If you're willing to hang in there with me, do you think I'm not listening because I'm denying that I want to sleep with him immediately, or do you think I'm not listening because he's lying about being (or having been) separated? Or both?

 

I do want to sleep with him but won't now because I know how much it will hurt people (even if my H claims it wouldn't) but it would hurt his wife and our kids and really both of us and I wouldn't ever want to walk into church again without sobbing from guilt. So that won't be happening. Also, I don't want him in an addicted affair bubble drug way. My fantasy is a normal relationship with him in the future, where we both find we are not married and free to date - that is where I'm messed up in my head and have to get him out of my thoughts once and for all.

[Friskyone4u]

Star glider

I don't know all the details but let me see if I have the facts

(1) your own marriage is on rocks because your husband is not interested in sex as one of the major reasons

(2) either he refuses to seek medical help for this problem or that has not worked.

(3) you tell him about your relationship with OM that so far is just an EA that you desire to turn into aPA

(4) your husband says he is fine is you have sex with him or anyone else you want to

(5) you are now separated and contemplating D and cannot maintain NC with OM.

I hope I got the general facts right

First, if you are right and this OM is treating you like a friend because he still is interested in seeing if his marriage can be saved you should back off and let that play itself out . You trying to have sex with him will accomplish nothing but possibly destroy his family .

But let's get back to you. What is the time frame before you and your husband make some decision. There is something wrong in that a very small percentage of men tell their wives to go ahead and have sex with other men unless they also have a woman on the side. The open marriage talk is very rarely initiated by men without a potential partner involved because anyone who knows anything about open marriage knows women will have much more opportunity to act on this easier than men.

You need to solve your own situation first , and divorce your husband if you two cannot work this out. Then you will be truly free to do what you want . But your husband has some issues that need to be addressed .' Either he is too ashamed to get help or he does not care. I don't know what it is but I don't think you or he are at an age where he should not be interested in sex with you.

[starglider]

Friskyone4u,

Thanks for your reply!

 

Yes, #1-5 in your summary is accurate. Yes, I believe my H has a potential partner involved. I think he'd rather work out his sex problems with her than with me. In fact, nights he is supposed to staying away in the separation he is going out and "playing pool" with her but then "he misses his family" so much that he often comes back and spends the night here with us. She is a bisexual woman, once married, going through a breakup with her lesbian partner of 20 years. She was once married before. H keeps calling her a lesbian even though she was married to a man in the past.

 

I kind of feel like H is throwing the OM at me because he was the one who wanted to rehire him, against my advice, and now H is the one who changes schedules so that I'm the one around when OM is there. All of these contacts with OM are in only 5 or 10 minute spurts of work interaction, so collectively I've only been around him 40 or 50 minutes total.

 

But I CAN do NC. I can insist that my H is the one to interact with him. There are only 3 more times brief times H or I need to interact with him and then we really can go back to NC. If OM is not pretending he is separated and having difficulties in his M, he is as surprised as I am to learn we're both having conflicts in our M. He was already hired by the time I learned of his.

 

This answers my own question that I should just do NC without bringing up our EA in case his M is really on the brink. I have plenty of people to turn to for support without needing him as my support during this limbo time.

Edited March 17, 2015 by starglider