HannahRose Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Originally, the wife kicked the man out of the bed for snoring too loudly (she was pregnant and couldn't sleep due to the noise). They had some marital issues, and went to marriage counseling. The husband blamed the wife for kicking him out of the bed. So, wife tells husband to start sleeping in the bed and she will just have to get used to the snoring. Well, the husband doesn't go back to sleeping in the bed... says he got used to sleeping on the couch. Years go by, and husband still sleeps on the couch. He makes many excuses as to why. Says he isn't cheating. Starts sleeping in the bedroom again, but always after a week or so, goes back to sleeping on the couch. He has various reasons, sometimes claiming it's because someone is sick or he's "hot" in the bed. Or just fell asleep watching tv on the couch. Is this even reasonable? Many, many years of sleeping separately? Wife originally blamed herself, but now realizes he just doesn't want to sleep in the bed. When she questions him about it, he just makes excuses and when she gets upset, his response is, "Go cry about it" or some other rude thing. Sex life is obviously lacking. Most likely, husband "takes care of himself" on the couch. Wife just goes without. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 It seems he found a certain freedom in being away from her and having his own space on the couch. Maybe he looks at porn, watches tv, or just embraced the distance between them. There's obviously a laundry list of problems..him sleeping on the couch wouldn't be a priority on my list but might be for a lot of women as they associate that with togetherness...men are usually less concerned with gestures and interpretations of certain acts, than women are. But he could be rubbing it in by not coming back into the bedroom. Either way, I highly doubt much will change in the relationship, especially if this is the focal point of argument. Link to post Share on other sites
loveweary11 Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 I've done this. Had a separate room! ha ha ha It was awesome. We'd hook up wherever in the house. Kitchen, living room, her room, my room. Fall asleep in each other's arms, etc. But, I never slerp as well with someone in the bed with me as when alone. I'm always aware of the other person being there. Sleeping alone is very restful. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 I know a few couples who don't sleep together, but have fine marriages. Sometimes it's more comfortable to sleep alone, especially if the other party snores, tosses and turns, talks in their sleep, likes the room to be a different temperature, likes a softer/firmer mattress, they have different wake up times or even if one hogs the pillows and blankets. Not to mention that some people spend so much of their lives sleeping solo it's hard for them to fall asleep and stay asleep with someone else, no matter how much they may love that other person. I don't think not sleeping together is the problem in the marriage described by the OP. I think it's a symptom. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 If and when I do have my preferences? The wife and I will have our separate beds and bedrooms. Our hours are totally out of synch. I snore, I work nights from 6 pm until ...................sixish in the AM. I need a completely darkened out, zero light room with ceiling fan, pedestal fans, lots of covers, fluffy pillows, white noise machine. Preferably cold enough to hang raw meat. Wife is the exact opposite. I personally believe the bedroom is for two things, sex and sleep, the wife sees things differently primarily because of medical issues, (bad back, etc.) so she likes to lay in bed and watch tv ~ something I just CANNOT do ~ drives me nuts from back in my days in the Corps, when I lived in an open-squad bad with forty other snoring, farting, smelly Marines or worse on ship in cramped quarters. Along with the noise, the music, the cussing, the bitching, the complaining, the all night card games etc. I need my rest and sleep because I work crazy, crazy hours and shifts. Basically can to can't. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Originally, the wife kicked the man out of the bed for snoring too loudly (she was pregnant and couldn't sleep due to the noise). They had some marital issues, and went to marriage counseling. The husband blamed the wife for kicking him out of the bed. So, wife tells husband to start sleeping in the bed and she will just have to get used to the snoring. Yep, the H felt rejected for something he had little control over, in the moment anyway, since he was unconscious when it was happening, and didn't let go of that rejection and move on. I dealt with this when I was married except the reverse, where my exW snored like a freight train. Even after corrective surgery, she still snored but not as bad. I simply put in my ear plugs from the shop and kept right on sleeping in the marital bed until we got divorced. Had I done what his wife did, there would have been hell to pay. She kicked him out, he got comfortable in his new cave, especially after the child came along and maternal instincts kicked in, and that became his new normal. As creatures of habit, men adapt and overcome challenges to that familiarity and comfort zone. Even after is was approved to return to the marital bed, emotionally he was fine not being there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HannahRose Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 (edited) Okay, well if the wife absolutely is against sleeping separately, what should happen? Honestly, I feel like I may as well not even BE married. If I were married to someone else, I would have a spouse in the bed and wouldn't be absolutely lonely. If I wanted to live the single life, I would have stayed single. I'm not willing to be in a marriage like this. When the marriage was healthy (in the first several years), we shared a bed. We were very close and he never would have slept separately. In fact, he would not go to bed without me. Since then, it has gone downhill and we are not close at all. I understand that some couples choose to sleep separately, but on the flip side, many out there say it's bad news if a couple sleeps separately, and for us it is. He's just like an annoying roommate to me at this point. There are no benefits to the marriage. Edited March 17, 2015 by HannahRose Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 I take it this also means you two aren't intimate, no sex and no cuddling? Do you still love him? Does he still love you? Is your marriage worth fighting for? If so, do marriage counseling and work hard to keep your family under one roof. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 If the snoring was THAT bad, he should have had a sleep test, he could have a life shorting medical condition. If it was found not to be medical - she can get ear plugs. Most pharmacies sell them in big boxes for sleep. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 if he snores a lot, he might have sleep apnea. and that might wake him up, over and over, during the night. so he just lies there, semi awake, trying to go back to sleep. At least down on the couch, he can watch some late night tv for an hour or two and eventually get back to sleep. that is my thinking of WHY he is doing it. maybe he needs a sleep study done. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HannahRose Posted March 19, 2015 Author Share Posted March 19, 2015 Intimacy happens, just not as often as it did when he slept in the bed every night. He swears he is not watching porn or doing anything inappropriate. He does breathe really heavily while he sleeps... some nights it sounds like he is struggling to take a breath, so maybe he really should go to the doctor for that. He started a diet the day I posted this thread, so we'll see how that goes. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 Yes he should definitely see a doctor. Obesity hypoventilation syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 (edited) He's jacking off. Hello! Of course there are some men who just don't care to have sex that much/anymore. Edited March 19, 2015 by Popsicle Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 My parents slept in separate bedrooms, as my mom was a nurse and worked the backshift and needed to sleep in the day. My dad snored something awful, and it sounds like a cross between a chainsaw and a rocket blasting off. No way could she sleep with that noise. back when they got married, it wasn't uncommon for husbands and wives to sleep in separate beds, so it wasn't that much of a stretch for them to have separate rooms. There was still lots of physical and emotional intimacy. They were married over 50 years, and were very happy. It sounds like , for the op, the lack of sleeping in the same bed isn't so much the problem as is the lack of intimacy...not just sex, but overall intimacy. The fact that he dismisses her concerns and ignores her tears is a bad sign. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 Yep, the H felt rejected for something he had little control over, in the moment anyway, since he was unconscious when it was happening, and didn't let go of that rejection and move on. I dealt with this when I was married except the reverse, where my exW snored like a freight train. Even after corrective surgery, she still snored but not as bad. I simply put in my ear plugs from the shop and kept right on sleeping in the marital bed until we got divorced. Had I done what his wife did, there would have been hell to pay. She kicked him out, he got comfortable in his new cave, especially after the child came along and maternal instincts kicked in, and that became his new normal. As creatures of habit, men adapt and overcome challenges to that familiarity and comfort zone. Even after is was approved to return to the marital bed, emotionally he was fine not being there. This. And I HOPE he still jacks off, that would mean he still has a sex drive at least. If not, the man is gone. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 Why would a man sleep separately from his wife? I haven't read the rest of this thread but I would say if your friends husband is sleeping separately from his wife it is because he doesn't want to be close to her. Link to post Share on other sites
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