Can't figure my wife out...am I being emotionally abused?

[chasen_the_cycle]

We have our issues (written about elsewhere on here)...but one thing that I can't get off my mind is that I never seem to be able to figure out what I should be doing at any given time. We've been married for just about a year, living together for over two years. I have long suspected that I may be involved with a woman that shows signs of borderline personality disorder. Her moods change one a dime and I never know if I am making the right choice because no matter what I do, it usually isn't correct. She will go from normal behavior, to something small setting her off (like couch cushions not being fluffed properly) and coming down on me telling me I am just like her 13 year old son that she has to correct everything I do and she has to do everything herself, to the next minute sitting on the couch cuddling up next to me telling me how much she loves me.

 

I also get the "you don't love me" or "you don't like me" or "Just love me" all the time. I do love her and I take care of us and our lives to the best of my ability...but I still constantly have the feeling of never being good enough.

 

We are in marriage counseling and I am in IC (she has refused to go on her own thus far), and I am losing hope of a successful marriage on a daily basis.

 

Compounding all of this is an EA that I had back in September which she knows about. We are planning to take a cruise for our 1 year anniversary and I have a hard time getting excited about taking this trip with her and enjoying the beautiful Caribbean ports while we are going through all of this. I shouldn't be daydreaming about being single and having an apartment and my own time and freedom if I felt like this was going to work out or wanted it to work out.

 

I honestly feel anxiety every time she comes home from work (I work from home) and I'm afraid of her moods because I never know what I'm going to get...I hate living like this but I don't know what to do...

[GorillaTheater]

but one thing that I can't get off my mind is that I never seem to be able to figure out what I should be doing at any given time. We've been married for just about a year, living together for over two years. I have long suspected that I may be involved with a woman that shows signs of borderline personality disorder. Her moods change one a dime and I never know if I am making the right choice because no matter what I do, it usually isn't correct.

 

You know how you win the game? By stop playing.

 

The problem stems from the fact that you're being reactive (whether out of fear of your wife's anger or otherwise) when instead you need to be proactive. What do you do at any given point? Well, unless you're a sociopath, whatever you reasonably WANT to do. Your wife reacts unreasonably? That's her problem, not yours.

 

I could also give you the typical "balls in her purse" pep talk, but you get the idea.

Edited March 17, 2015 by GorillaTheater

[chasen_the_cycle]

I think I am doing whatever I feel is reasonable at any given time...I am an extremely laid back person and have always lived a stress-free life by choice in not letting things bother me...this bothers me thought. I think I need to be less reactive to how she reacts to my choices. You are correct though, I absolutely do have a fear of how she will react to anything at any time.

 

Stop playing...that's a great piece of advice. Hard to do, but it's not helping me in any way shape or form if I continue to live in fear of her.

 

Something will present itself at some point to give me a clear direction I think...my counselor has told me that if I am not able to make the decision, something will usually happen and will be the light bulb I've been waiting for. This wasn't necessarily advise, but information from her experiences with couples issues over many many years.

[Dark Passenger]

Emotionally abused? You're a grown man, ffs.....just leave already,

[Nikki Sahagin]

It seems fair that if you are undergoing IC then she should too. If you feel anxious every time she comes home, then even if its not abuse, it's not right. Abuse comes under many umbrellas and if she is belittling you and having a go at you often for little things then it may fall under the umbrella of verbal or emotional abuse.

 

It's hard to say from a post because lots of people have arguments like what you describe but if its constant, severe and makes you feel bad, then it warrants being called abuse (sometimes abuse sounds too strong a word but if it makes you feel badgered/harrassed/anxious then yes, I believe it could be.)

 

Could you just try telling her how it makes you feel when she speaks to you that way? Say that you do your best and feel she is never satisfied; ask if there is something 'deeper' to this? Can she be reasoned with?

[Nikki Sahagin]

Emotionally abused? You're a grown man, ffs.....just leave already,

 

Not helpful...

No need to throw the 'man' card around.

[chasen_the_cycle]

Could you just try telling her how it makes you feel when she speaks to you that way? Say that you do your best and feel she is never satisfied; ask if there is something 'deeper' to this? Can she be reasoned with?

 

Yes, we have had this talk several times and it gets better for a little while. Always comes back around. Reasoning and rational thought usually go out the window pretty quickly when things don't go her way.

[chasen_the_cycle]

Emotionally abused? You're a grown man, ffs.....just leave already,

 

Agreed, this wasn't a necessary post. Sometimes things are much easier said than done, and I may end up leaving, but I want to be sure I am making the right decision based on facts of the situation and a thorough process of examination of the relationship.

 

I do like your username and avatar though...

[chasen_the_cycle]

Interesting you bring that up...she is not currently on anything, but she was on Lexipro for over two years, and I (actually we both) think that there is some after effects from being on it for so long.

[coryreply]

Lexapro is an SSRI type of antidepressants that blunts emotions, hence disabling their ability to feel empathy towards loved ones. Since she is no longer taking it, she could be suffering from withdrawals. This could last months or years. When was her last dose taken?

 

Here is the link to Lexapro's prescribing information: http://pi.actavis.com/data_stream.asp?product_group=1907&p=pi&language=E

 

Side effects are listed on page 14.

 

There could be something to this. It's possible that there could be some chemical imbalance issues as well.

 

What are her parents like? Either one like this?

[NopeNah]

AND....this is why I love this site! Seriously...damn good advice on pretty much every angle of relationships..the dating section gets a bit odd at times. I feel you though OP...I've been in these types of "walking on eggshell" relationships and it's mentally exhausting!

[chasen_the_cycle]

There could be something to this. It's possible that there could be some chemical imbalance issues as well.

 

What are her parents like? Either one like this?

 

No idea about a chemical imbalance, but reading through those side effects is scary.

 

Her parents? Well, her mom was very controlling during my wife's childhood, and her dad is a super nice alcoholic...but was abusive to her mom during her childhood so she grew up seeing these things. I guess the answer is yes, they both are, or were like this.

 

I tried to have a talk with her last night to explain my feelings and it turned in to what it usually turns in to...absolute sadness on her part and making me feel like I've just ended the relationship when I haven't. I just want to talk about things and she seems to have a tricky way of turning it in to a 'feel bad for me...don't you know how this makes me feel' session. And I end up saying I'm sorry and give her a hug while she cries to sleep. This morning she said she was so sad she couldn't get out of bed, but as soon as her son comes downstairs for breakfast she breaks out of the sad character and talks to him like normal...then back to me with the sadness. I get that she has to put on a happy face for him, but it's pretty amazing how easily she can make the switch.

 

Feeling uneasy today.

[chasen_the_cycle]

Lexapro is an SSRI type of antidepressants that blunts emotions, hence disabling their ability to feel empathy towards loved ones. Since she is no longer taking it, she could be suffering from withdrawals. This could last months or years. When was her last dose taken?

 

She has been off of it since October 2013...

[whichwayisup]

Yes, we have had this talk several times and it gets better for a little while. Always comes back around. Reasoning and rational thought usually go out the window pretty quickly when things don't go her way.

 

So, she either is a spoiled brat, high maintenance, has control issues and feels entitled to act any way she pleases and disrespects you a lot of the time, or she has some mental health issues that have not been addressed. And a lot of anger. Maybe she has OCD (fluffing couch pillows to her liking) too.

 

Do the counseling and see how it goes. She has to address her own issues, deal with them and change her ways otherwise your marriage is doomed. Her behaviour and how she treats you is chipping away the love and affection you feel for her. Fact that you're wishing you were single and feel anxiety towards her when coming home is a huge red flag. Your gut is screaming to you and IF your wife refuses to change, make efforts, get help, then you need to do what is best for you - Divorce.

[whichwayisup]

No idea about a chemical imbalance, but reading through those side effects is scary.

 

Her parents? Well, her mom was very controlling during my wife's childhood, and her dad is a super nice alcoholic...but was abusive to her mom during her childhood so she grew up seeing these things. I guess the answer is yes, they both are, or were like this.

 

I tried to have a talk with her last night to explain my feelings and it turned in to what it usually turns in to...absolute sadness on her part and making me feel like I've just ended the relationship when I haven't. I just want to talk about things and she seems to have a tricky way of turning it in to a 'feel bad for me...don't you know how this makes me feel' session. And I end up saying I'm sorry and give her a hug while she cries to sleep. This morning she said she was so sad she couldn't get out of bed, but as soon as her son comes downstairs for breakfast she breaks out of the sad character and talks to him like normal...then back to me with the sadness. I get that she has to put on a happy face for him, but it's pretty amazing how easily she can make the switch.

 

Feeling uneasy today.

 

Due to her upbringing and family dynamic, she has no communication skills and reverts to manipulation (that sadness IS meant to make a point to you and manipulate you into feeling bad and guilty) and immature ways. She has an unhealthy way of handling problems and that's got to change in the future IF your marriage is going to work.

[Downtown]

I have long suspected that I may be involved with a woman that shows signs of borderline personality disorder.

Chasen, you cannot determine whether your W's BPD traits are so severe that they meet 100% of the diagnostic guidelines for having full-blown BPD. Only professionals can make a diagnosis. I therefore suggest you speak with your therapist about your suspicion. Yet, in the same way you are able to spot warning signs for stroke and heart attack without being able to diagnose those disorders, you also are capable of spotting the red flags for BPD. There is nothing subtle about strong occurrences of traits such as always being "The Victim," verbal abuse, and rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you. I therefore ask whether you've seen strong occurrences of most of the following 18 red flags? I've bolded the behaviors you already seem to have mentioned, if I understand you correctly:

 

• 1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor comment or infraction ("She will go from...telling me I am just like her 13 year old son that she has to correct everything I do ...to the next minute sitting on the couch cuddling up next to me telling me how much she loves me");
  
• 2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never" ("I also get the 'you don't love me' or 'you don't like me' or 'Just love me' all the time");
  
• 3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members ("I made remarks about not knowing what I wanted and she took that as me wanting to get back together with my ex. I didn't, but I was not able to convince her of that");
  
• 4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard ("I began to really see how manipulative she can be. She is REALLY good at it.");
  
• 5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells ("Her moods change on a dime...I absolutely do have a fear of how she will react to anything at any time");
  
• 6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later ("I never know if I am making the right choice because no matter what I do, it usually isn't correct");
  
• 7. Low self esteem;
  
• 8. Verbal or physical abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums or cold sulking that typically start in seconds and last several hours ("the emotional abuse and controlling atmosphere I live in.... I'm afraid the 'cycle of violence' is very present in our marriage. I don't think she will get physical again after what happened, but I think our fighting will continue on the same cylce");
  
• 9. Fear of abandonment or being alone ("I made remarks about not knowing what I wanted and she took that as me wanting to get back together with my ex. I didn't, but I was not able to convince her of that");
  
• 10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune ("I still constantly have the feeling of never being good enough");
  
• 11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences ("She hit me three times in the back of the head");
  
• 12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well;
  
• 13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
  
• 14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
  
• 15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;
  
• 16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
  
• 17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
  
• 18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence ("She plays a game of coming down on me no matter what I choose to do").
  

When she is good, she is REALLY good...when she is bad, she is REALLY bad, and that is where our fights stem from. [3/4 post.]

If she has strong BPD traits, this flip between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing or hating you) is to be expected. While a BPDer (person with strong traits) is splitting you white, the experience typically will be so wonderful and intensely passionate that it is often compared to the high people experience on narcotics. A BPDer relationship therefore typically is quick to have an addictive quality to the Non (nonBPDer), making it difficult to leave and go through the painful "withdrawal" period. On top of that, BPDers usually project a purity of expression and emotional warmth that otherwise is only seen in young children. This childlike experience, during periods that you are being split white, makes it all the more difficult to walk away -- especially if you're an excessive caregiver like me. Guys like me are loath to walk away from a BPDer because it feels like we are abandoning a sick child whom we dearly love.

 

She is an extremely anxious person, even taking medication for a couple of years for her anxiety. We butt heads all the time because of this. [Your 3/4 post.]

As you likely know, Chasen, medications won't make a dent in BPD. They nonetheless are often prescribed for BPDers because they usually suffer from one or two co-occurring clinical disorders such as depression, PTSD, bipolar, or GAD. As Alchemiist observed earlier, Lexapro is targeted to correcting depression and/or GAD.

 

If your W actually does suffer from strong BPD traits, her chance of having comorbid GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) is 42% and her chance of having comorbid MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) is 36%. Indeed, 80% of female BPDers suffer from one or more mood disorders. See Table 3 at 2008 Journal of Clinical Psych.

 

I also get the "you don't love me" or "you don't like me" or "Just love me" all the time.

If she really does have strong BPD traits, she is filled with self-loathing, shame, and anger carried from early childhood. Until a BPDer learns how to love herself, she will be incapable of believing anyone else will love her for an extended period. That is, even though she might believe TODAY that you really love her, she lives in fear that your love will evaporate as soon as you find out how empty she feels on the inside. This is why it is an impossible task to convince a BPDer that you will always love her and never abandon her.

 

We are in marriage counseling and I am in IC (she has refused to go on her own thus far), and I am losing hope of a successful marriage on a daily basis.

If she is a BPDer as you suspect, MC likely will be a total waste of time until she's had IC for several years (at least) to address her more serious underlying issues. Although MC can be excellent at teaching couples how to improve communication, a BPDer's issues go far beyond the simple lack of communication skills.

 

As to IC, there are excellent therapy programs in most major cities that teach BPDers how to acquire the emotional skills they were unable to acquire in childhood. But, sadly, it is rare for a BPDer to have sufficient self awareness and ego strength to take advantage of those programs.

 

I hate living like this but I don't know what to do...

No, Chasen, you likely DO KNOW what to do -- at an intellectual level. Yet, knowing something intellectually is the EASY part. What's so difficult is convincing your inner child (i.e., the intuitive, emotional part of your mind) that all this new-found knowledge is correct and that you should act on it. That process can take many months, particularly if you are trying to leave a BPDer because -- as I noted above -- it is extremely painful for us caregivers to walk away.

 

What is required, then, is for you to help your "inner child" catch up with your "inner adult." With regard to that objective, you're already doing what you should be doing: you're seeing a therapist for IC so as to strengthen your personal boundaries sufficiently to allow you to permanently leave this abusive spouse. And you're closing the gap between your intellectual thoughts and your gut feelings by talking about these painful issues with your friends, family, and folks here on the LoveShack forum.

 

Finally, if you decide that most of the above warning signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. And I would be glad to suggest a good book and several online articles that are targeted to helping abused spouses leave a BPDer relationship.

[Dark Passenger]

Agreed, this wasn't a necessary post. Sometimes things are much easier said than done, and I may end up leaving, but I want to be sure I am making the right decision based on facts of the situation and a thorough process of examination of the relationship.

 

I do like your username and avatar though...

 

thanks man

 

good luck.

[chasen_the_cycle]

Downtown...GREAT post and very helpful info. We had a great weekend this past weekend, and it's these kinds of weekends that only feed that fear to leave, as you say, a caregiver's state of mind makes it that much more difficult. I do feel that way, and it's so easy to see the intellectual side of this. Acting on it is another story, and you're right, I can see this taking a fair amount of time to figure out.

 

I really appreciate the posts and feedback thus far.