Lysa75 Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Been married 18 years. Fine marriage. Meet a man (separated) about 6 months ago. Texted only for about two months. Things got out of hand with texting so I ended it. Two months later, I get weak and meet up with him. Again, a deep connection, really strong attraction. There was a kiss good night. So, I end things again. I get a text stating he has feelings for me but will back off. Get weak and meet up again. Didn't sleep together, but sleep next to each other. I once again, end it... He says he understands and wishes me well. I am utterly depressed and heart sick. I have never once stepped outside my marriage, I have no idea how this happened. I am determined to keep no contact. I can't do this anymore. Sigh. Thanks for listening. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 I have no idea how this happened. You have to be able to answer this question. What was it about this OM that fulfilled an emotional need for you? What's missing in your marriage? Or are you just looking for attention? "Why" is a good place to start. Figure it out. If you don't, you'll never fix why it happened and it will likely happen again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
starglider Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Good luck. Stay strong with your NC. Hope you do IC. Try to do all the cliche things you hear about, like focusing on some positives aspects everyday and things that make you grateful. Exercise helps too. You will be going through a withdrawal of the addiction. It is very destabilizing. Somewhere inside you'll see you do have strength and a brighter future. Then you'll face what are the problems in your life that brought you here. I think living in denial opens up the door to these wretched EAs - at least that was true in my case. Living in reality sucks sometimes when you really face it head on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lysa75 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 Thank you for such a quick reply. Just another question that I should have researched before joining.... they don't email you when someone responds to your thread, do you? Ugh Starglider.... What is IC? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Thank you for such a quick reply. Just another question that I should have researched before joining.... they don't email you when someone responds to your thread, do you? Ugh Starglider.... What is IC? No, you don't get an email when someone responds to your thread. IC is individual counseling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lysa75 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 Thank you Rainbow I do go to counseling. Everytime I try to end it, I go back. Then I have to start this withdrawal again. This time is for real though. I can't take the pain and stress anymore. As I sit here crying, he goes on with his life. Just a "good luck.. Take care". Like he didn't skip a beat. Enough. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Been married 18 years. Fine marriage. Meet a man (separated) about 6 months ago. Texted only for about two months. Things got out of hand with texting so I ended it. Two months later, I get weak and meet up with him. Again, a deep connection, really strong attraction. There was a kiss good night. So, I end things again. I get a text stating he has feelings for me but will back off. Get weak and meet up again. Didn't sleep together, but sleep next to each other. I once again, end it... He says he understands and wishes me well. I am utterly depressed and heart sick. I have never once stepped outside my marriage, I have no idea how this happened. I am determined to keep no contact. I can't do this anymore. Sigh. Thanks for listening. It's time to do some really deep digging to determine why you are stepping outside of your M. Do you want to stay M? How does it feel when you have spent time with your AP and then come home to your DH? Do you feel entitled to treat yourself to something that you are not getting in your M, and don't feel like your DH has the right to decide if he wants to be in an open M? Really take some time to figure out what is going on and why you are doing this because you are about to throw a tsunami into your M and your life. Stop telling yourself that you have no idea how this happened and be totally honest with yourself. It happened because you allowed another man to meet some emotional need you have. You let your boundaries with another man slip. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lysa75 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 Yes, Artist I agree. I take full responsibility for my actions. Right now I just need support to stay NC and move on from this situation. There is no justification. Im in therapy trying to get to bottom of it. I need to talk because it ended this weekend and I am in pain... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 (edited) Just another question that I should have researched before joining.... they don't email you when someone responds to your thread, do you? Ugh Starglider.... What is IC? A new member may not have the ability to enable notifications in their control panel but you can check that out here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/profile.php?do=editoptions Look for 'Messaging and Notification' and scroll down to the: Default Subscription mode And see if e-mail notifications are an option for you. Also, you can use the 'thread tools' dropdown menu in this thread to subscribe. You can view a thread on LS shorthand/acronyms here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/water-cooler/228723-loveshack-terminology-guide-acronyms-forum-shorthand -------------- When 'falling back' into the EA, who has initiated contact? Generally, what I noted as an OM/MM is that MW's wouldn't initiate contact but nearly always responded to my own. Hence, when I went NC, NC remained in place. Men are the pursuers so generally it's men who make contact when NC is agreed to, whether as OM's or MM's, though exceptions do occur. While in IC, you can terminate contact methods you use and change your e-mail/phone number to block the other party from contacting you. The other aspect is transparency. If your goal is to recover your M, most MC's recommend transparency since your behaviors in the M reflect the color of your psyche affected by the EA. Now, opinion varies but, in my book, a woman who sleeps with a man, even if no genital contact has occurred, has crossed over the line into PA territory. That stated, most women I had EA's with would never admit to those interactions being an 'affair'. My perspective was 'well, if we talked about what we talked about and did what we did in front of your spouse, how would that go over?'. Easy way to end such interactions. They move on to more conciliatory partners. Welcome to LS! Edited March 17, 2015 by carhill 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lysa75 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 Thank you, carhill I guess i'm outside the norm because I am the one who breaks NC. If I initiate NC, he never breaks it. I do agree that this has crossed line into a PA, that's why I decided it had to end for good this time... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Lysa You may not want to hear this but you had more than an EA if you met this person,'kissed him, and slept overnight with him. You may not have had penetrative sex with him, but this is more than an EA. You also may not want to hear this but the best way for you to get out of this is to tell your husband. If you are telling the truth and it has gone no further and really want it to end that will do it. Yes there is a risk involved but if you have any respect for your husband you will be honest . If he finds out another way of when you go further and break NC again it is going to be a lot worse and harder to get over than if you confess and get into therapy. If you really want to end this don't look for some empathy and understanding of how hard it is so that you feel better and then do it again . Tell your husband and ask for his forgiveness and find out if you can fix yourself. Your alternative is going to be built at what you have done, and the potential to blow your life up for some ego kibbles and cheap sex. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 I am always surprised that MP's are so dumbfounded as to why this happened to them. Are they that out of touch with their own emotions and state of their M? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
coryreply Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Hi Lysa. Thank you for having the courage to share with us. I'm praying for you today. What is your connection to the OM? How did you meet him? Do you work together? Is there a good chance you will run into him often? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Thank you Rainbow I do go to counseling. Everytime I try to end it, I go back. Then I have to start this withdrawal again. This time is for real though. I can't take the pain and stress anymore. As I sit here crying, he goes on with his life. Just a "good luck.. Take care". Like he didn't skip a beat. Enough. In counseling, you need to figure out why you are weak around this other man (is he married as well?) and why you're risking your marriage by cheating on your husband. What's broken inside of you? Your A is damaging you on all levels and your husband probably knows something isn't right... As for the OM (MM?), he knows the A is just an A and isn't as invested in it as you are which is why he can go on like nothing happened. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Here is a question: To what problem(s) have you seen the OM as a solution? Give that some thought, because I think it's relevant question in this instance. Link to post Share on other sites
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