Engagement Doomed??

[Engagement on Rocks]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 years, living together for 8. I have one child from previous relationship who is on his own, and he has two in high school that currently live with us every other week. We have no kids together. We've been talking of engagement for some time but made it official over the holidays. I'm having second thoughts. He has always been very critical when it comes to sex, the frequency of it, and how I dress everyday. I make a point to dress up when we go out, which is about once per week. I wear high heels, earrings, necklace, perfume. Even then, he tells me the earrings could be more dangly, I could've used more perfume. There's always something. He doesn't work in the winter (construction). I work year round. He doesn't get up in the morning to see his kids off to school or me off to work. He sleeps or naps all day. I was sick this past week and one night I was apparently snoring because I couldn't breathe through my nose. He grabbed my face and said to be quiet, woke me up because he wasn't getting sex, and punched a hole in the wall. He's been on a rant ever since. He told me he joined a men's blog, all about men going their own way, swallowing the red pill, etc. Telling me I've gained weight, I shouldn't wear my hair up because people can see my double chin. I think he wants out. More than that, I think I want out. I know he has severe mommy issues (abandonment, neglect), but I can't afford to do this to myself anymore. I'm his mother, therapist, psychiatrist, grocery getter, secretary. I don't have energy for anything else! This is the short list of my complaints. Thoughts?

[sandylee1]

The relationship isn't working and when he continues to speak to you that way, he will destroy your confidence and self esteem if you allow it. Acts like punching the wall show a loss of self control and if he's unhappy with the amount of sex, then I don't see it getting better.

 

He grabbed your face? You really don't need any more reasons to end this relationship.

 

Sit him down when none of the kids are around. Tell him you really don't think he's happy in the relationship based on his constant criticisms, the mismatched sexual appetites and his other recent attitude towards you. Follow that up with, YOU are also not happy for the same reasons and feel it's probably best to go your separate ways.

 

Speak calmly. Write down what you have to say in case you forget anything and be clear to express how his actions affect you. If he wants this to work, then I suggest couple's therapy.

 

You'll know if he wants out and more importantly of YOU want out. He certainly has the prepensity to be violent. Huge red flag.

[d0nnivain]

Forget the engagement. Move out -- sooner rather than later.

 

How can you even consider marrying someone who is so hateful / critical of you?

 

Him punching a wall because he's not getting sex means soon he will be punching you.

 

RUN!!!!!!!!

[GorillaTheater]

You made a pretty good case for breaking it off. I'm certainly convinced.

 

Are there any reasons to stay?

[Satu]

Too many red flags.

 

If you carry on as you are, you will eventually be beaten down to the point where you'll be totally apathetic and passive.

 

By the way:

 

He's really not a nice man.

 

He's emotionally abusive, with the potential for physical abuse.

 

Do not allow him to treat you this way.

 

Do not marry him.

 

Get away from him as soon as you can.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS....

 

Since you have had at least one prior relationship which produced a now apparently adult child, how would you compare your observations in this relationship to the past one? Interactions, perspectives, communication, etc.

 

In my experience as a man, women who stay with men who exhibit behaviors such as outlined here are very attracted to the man at an elemental level, a level which supersedes otherwise healthy boundaries of behavior or interaction.

 

Having been married myself, and observing such interactions for decades, I learned about signs of this issue and why it's paramount to have strong attraction. In my M, such a behavior (pick any one you shared), even for a brief period, would have found me opening cans of Campbell's soup and staring at TCM on the tube solo. Only the sonic boom of my wife leaving would have been in evidence. Why? Insufficient attraction to work through even minor behavior issues.

 

None of that appears to be in evidence here; however, it may indicate a reflection on your personal attraction patterns is in order. Why would you or do you remain attracted and attached to someone who apparently behaves this way? 'Why's' are interesting questions. Good luck!

[badpenny]

I suggest you stay with him, because he's a keeper. he obviously desires you sexually, enjoys sleeping with you because you're stimulating and thought-provoking, and he obviously finds your night-time snoring very engaging.

 

he takes a keen interest in your dress-sense and wants you to make the best of yourself, so encourages you to dress t the nines, smell attractively powerful, and wear extravagant, showy or ostentatious jewellery. I suspect in time he will seek shorter skirts, fishnet stockings and heels which although attractive, will seriously impair walking, et alone balance, but hey, it's the imagery he's going for.

 

He sounds a kind, thoughtful considerate and perfect partner.

 

And if your jaw has now hit the floor due to the sheer and utter amazement and disbelief at how on earth could I have got everything so wrong, then you'll understand our sheer and utter amazement and disbelief that you even had to ask.

[sunny122]

I am seeing massive, massive red flags. The criticism is a red flag because he's trying to control you by finding fault with how you dress... controlling behavior is always something to be wary of. And the fact that he grabbed your face and punched a hole in the wall is a sign that this relationship could very well turn violent and physically abusive (I'd say it's already bordering on it). The carrying on about your supposed "weight gain" (you very well may not have gained weight or have a double chin!) sounds like emotional abuse to me. I've also been in abusive relationships and they would attack and point out my weight, weight gain, and the parts of my body that looked the fattest... it is one of their favorite tactics. It's to wear down your self-esteem. My honest two cents is to run, not walk, from this relationship before it gets any worse.

[BC1980]

The situation honestly sounds miserable, and I have to wonder why two people have been together for 10 years without marriage. Usually, when there is a LTR without marriage, one person is settling until they find something better, and the other person is sticking around in hopes the other person will finally marry them. The only exception is when both parties have mutually decided that they don't want marriage, but I don't see that as the case in this situation. It's almost never the case.

 

This entire situation sounds so dysfunctional that I think you need to start making plans to leave. It will be a process since you live together, so you depend on each other financially. A lot the time, that is the reason people say. It's always easier with two incomes. I don't know your reasons for staying, but it can't be worth sacrificing your self-worth.

[whichwayisup]

Has he always been an a-hole? 10 years together and now you're engaged.

 

RUN. End it and find a man who will treat you with love and respect. He has issues, is cruel and abusive. This will only get worse if you marry him.

[William]

Folks, this looks like a drive-by so we'll thank you for your contributions and close this up.