No Limit Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 If you're so adamant about your wonderful OM, why are you against your H having his own OW? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 We can close this topic. I didn't want this moved to infidelity and didn't want this topic to be about my marriage. Thank you. With all due respect, you published the topic, so I'd suggest thinking before posting in the future. LoveShack is a unified discussion forum with specific sub-forums relevant to the subject material. It is not a venue for 'cliques' and moderation's task, daunting at times, is to endeavor to prevent them from forming and make sure topics are located appropriately. We'll close this up and I'd suggest thinking before posting, or finding another venue for your topics of discussion. Thanks! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 Let's try this again. I found out my H is cheating. I originally posted in the OW/OM board because I'm also having an affair. I'm experienceing lots of complex emotions. I'm not suprised that he's cheating to be honest. I'm very suprised that I'm cheating. I want my H out of my house, yesterday. I've been trying to kick him out for more than a year & he refuses to leave. Long story short I not willing to leave my son there alone with him & leave my own self because my H canbe very irrational at times & there is no way I'm leaving my boy to deal with that. My single OM is a very kind man who loves me & I love him. We are planning on seeing where a honest out in the open relationship can go when I'm single. I am lucky to have met him & gotten to know him...I'm happy I took the chance on me...if that makes any sense. I know he worries about me. He would never hurt me intentionally...he's the polar opposite from my H. I worry about him, my OM...I don't want him to get hurt...& I don't know how to reassure him...I feel so uncertain about so much. But I know I have to get out of this marriage asap. I'm not really sure what I'm asking for...I don't want to discuss my marriage...has anyone experienced similar? Would you share? Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 What the heck are you staying for? What is he staying for? Afraid you'll clean him out in court? Afraid he'll lose custody? If so I would talk to him and tell him 50/50 on everything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 I had an experience with a MW whose husband was also having an affair, though hers preceded his, apparently (she said) and he did move out and into an apartment, purportedly with his affair partner (I verified the apartment part). At the time, I saw this, in light of how men pursue women in my demographic, as a green light to step things up and be more aggressive. However, unknown to me at the time (she would tell me many years later), she was having concurrent affairs, meaning other men were in the picture, and I wasn't a front runner. Ultimately, the husband's affair partner apparently died, either prior to or after he returned home, and they remained married for another six to seven years until she moved out for good and got with the boyfriend she lives with now, going on a decade or so at this point. She met him while moved out of her M and he was still in his (she told me). I don't have any real helpful advice other than to opine that a single OM who has a lot of options (I didn't at the time) won't dawdle too long with a MW who's unclear or waffling so guard against those aspects. Oh, lastly, the MW in my case also had two kids, one was a toddler when we first met and she had another with her H while in between affairs a number of years later. I met both of the kids after they became adults and had incidental contact with them while children due to the daughter being best friends with the daughter of a lady I was dating at the time. She was single! Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 If his name's on the house too, you may or may not be able to simply kick him out. But there's sure nothing stopping you from filing for divorce. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 it's pretty difficult to discuss without including the marriage, IMO. Maybe you don't know what to ask because you're taking the most important part off the table. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 I agree but it seems board rules won't let the two topics be discussed together on the OW/OW board. I posted something yesterday that wasnt correct, I guess, so I'm trying to follow the rules. Thank you all for sharing. I can assure you that the idea of me having an affair was the furthest thing from my mind & is totally not me...& that causes pretty bad feelings in myself. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Long story short I not willing to leave my son there alone with him & leave my own self because my H canbe very irrational at times & there is no way I'm leaving my boy to deal with that. Looking over your first thread, your son has to be 18 or close to it. High School senior? I'm not sure I fully understand the concern. Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 You've been discussing life with the OM when you're single....you want out of the Marriage. For lack of a better phrasing, your H has just served you a gift on a silver platter by having his own A. If you can't leave now, then when? I'm going to assume your OM has got to be thinking the same thing. I would take the opportunity to open up with your H about your own A. It may sound counterintuitive, but now's the time to get it all out in the open and leave. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Does your H know about your affair? If not why not come out and tell him. It might be what you need to push him out. I mean if that is really what you want to do. I do caution you on the fairy tale with the OM. My xW just cheated on her OM. I bet he thought they would be together forever. I am not implying that you will cheat but it sounds like the both of you are quite capable of it so its possible your future with him could be one that leads to more heartache. On the other side of this why not just file for divorce and let the cards fall as they may. If your not happy then why stay married. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 Yea...sounds simple right? It's very complicated. My H is very strong & isn't afraid to use that strength to get his way. No, I cant leave until my son is 18yrs so his dad can't "make" him do anything.if/when I leave I need to know that my son is a legal adult & can leave also if he chooses. I've tried to leave in the past & my H physically restrained me...& when that no longer worked he used the kids against me...he wouldn't allow me to walk out the door with the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 If you feel he will be violent with you then just call the cops. Tell them you fear for your safety and the kids safety. Tell them you want to leave and you need a stand by. They will work with you on the time. You can arrange for a place to stay and once they get there you can pack some things and leave. Does that scenario sound like a possibility ? Clay Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 I don't see the significance of your son becoming an adult if your H is abusive. Tell him you're leaving - with your son - and if he gets physical, then you're calling the cops. Does your son WANT to leave with you? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 You know, I covered all of this previously but for clarity sake...we live in very rural area & the cops would take anywhere from 30min to over an hour to get here...do u realize what can happen in an hour? He's friends with all the cops...sigh...& this isn't the discussion I had intended for this topic. But thak you for your thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 You know, I covered all of this previously but for clarity sake...we live in very rural area & the cops would take anywhere from 30min to over an hour to get here...do u realize what can happen in an hour? He's friends with all the cops...sigh...& this isn't the discussion I had intended for this topic. But thak you for your thoughts. We're just covering the logistics of leaving the marriage. What would stop you and your son from leaving when your husband isn't home, if he's that potentially dangerous? This is doable, and I'm not sure why seem to think it isn't. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 So help me understand. Your staying out of fear? Your going to continue your affair. You live out in the sticks. Your husband is violent and does not know about your affair. If he finds out and you call the cops it will take them a hour to get out there and aside of that he is friends with all of them anyhow. That sounds insane. Clay 3 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 You are afraid of leaving? But not about your husband finding out about your A? How do you think he would react if he did? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 (edited) So help me understand. Your staying out of fear? Your going to continue your affair. You live out in the sticks. Your husband is violent and does not know about your affair. If he finds out and you call the cops it will take them a hour to get out there and aside of that he is friends with all of them anyhow. That sounds insane. Clay It is insane. I'm not saying that this is ideal or even wise...I'm not trying to justify my actions either. I was looking for something from the members who have experienced similar from my perspective. As I will be banned for voicing my thoughts I will not voice those again. Thank you all. Unfortunately this seems to be another avenue of assistance that is closed. Edited March 17, 2015 by Confusion_Reigns Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 OP, You're truly all over the place. Please help me understand what you want advice about? You've said its not your marriage, but your OP was only about your marriage. Or do you want to talk about the OM? After spending some time reading your previous treads, you're still in the exact same place you were two years ago. Still married to an abusive *******, still raising your kids with and around an abusive *******, still wanting him to leave, doing absolutely nothing different, not making any proactive steps to to take control of your life and that of your children. And most importantly, making excuse after excuse as to why nothing can change. Can't go to the police, because your husband knows them. Can't go to a woman's shelter because it's run by your sister inlaw, can't leave because you can't take your kids. All excuses. Your husband must have a job, right? Here's what you do; you start saving money, you find a place to live, while your husband is at work, you move OUT. Your kids are adults or will in the next few months, and can choose to live wherever they want, and if your husband is as big of an abuser as you claim, they'll be glad to go, wondering why you raised them in this messed up home in the first place, not protecting them from his influence. So, please tell us what you want advice about? And don't cop out by saying this is another door closed for you. It's only closed if you close it. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Yea...sounds simple right? It's very complicated. My H is very strong & isn't afraid to use that strength to get his way. No, I cant leave until my son is 18yrs so his dad can't "make" him do anything.if/when I leave I need to know that my son is a legal adult & can leave also if he chooses. I've tried to leave in the past & my H physically restrained me...& when that no longer worked he used the kids against me...he wouldn't allow me to walk out the door with the kids. Yep, understand. I met my MW's H once. We're all in the ag community so a bit gritty and he farms and I was working in the oilfields at the time and generally we're about ten seconds from a fist fit or a gun fight depending on who and what so his 6'4" stature was both intimidating to his wife as well as an exigent threat to deal with. This was repetitively on MW's mind. I'll never know if it was part of why she stayed or it she was just too weak to leave or if the spoils that went with the lifestyle they led were too good to give up. As an OM at the time, I was deep into being a white knight so deluded by all those emotions but, still, after time, when I didn't see things moving along but complaints still flowing, empathy changed to annoyance and finally fµck this I'm outta here. If your OM, like I mentioned before, has a lot of options, he'll avail himself of them. Dealing with MW's can be a lot of trouble and drama, even under the best of circumstances. Just telling you straight from having been there and interacting with a fair amount of MW's in my lifetime, whether as an OM or 'being there' for them as that eunuch male friend. Just tell people to shove it if they aren't respectful. What are they going to do, kill you? Nope, they're just cowards. Do what you need to do and move on. People aren't that important. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 If your H is that abusive and you're scared to leave your kids home alone with him, let alone share custody (if there is a divorce) then I suggest you start documenting everything, record your H so you can show the courts he is not fit to be around the kids and you can have sole custody. Get yourself to a woman's shelter. Reach out to trusted family members and friends who can help with this process and be supportive. Just do one thing, don't bring the OM around your kids until you leave and are divorced. If your H is as abusive as you say he is, then he will flip out if another man has been around his children. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 So your Husband would rather be with someone else but stays out of "obsession"? And you'd rather be with someone else but stay out of fear? I'd get the kids out now... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Confusion reigns, yes it does. The situation you're in could go on till you die, both you and H swapping A partners. Both of you living in this mire. Write your own happy ending. Your children are almost grown. Set a time line. TBH I'd sell the house and force a divorce. In either order. There's no security for anyone INCLUDING THE CHILDREN in this scene. Just abuse of everyone. For your own sake finish this charade. Be brave. Get counselling help if need be but the pain you are suffering and inflicting is not the way anyone could live anything near a contented life unless. ... you like the drama? I can't imagine you do. So write the ending and follow through. Best of luck. Lion Heart. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 (edited) Thanks again for your thoughts. I guess it all boils down to being afraid. Of lots of things & my own beliefs of providing for the kids. Lots of FOO issues for me & my H...& unresolved issues between him & I...unhealed wounds. It's been years since hit hit me or choked me. Which is good. He neve did any of the physical stuff in front of the kids...which is good. & beleive it or not he's been a great daddy to them. I am where I was two years ago, still spinning my wheels because I'm stalling. Waiting for them to be adults. When I've tried to address the issues between me & my H...well, it always deteriorats to him yelling blaming me slamming things around...which inspires fear in me & I **** down...and/or weeping & needing comfort from me & that's making me shut down too. I try not talk to my OM about my marriage...but sometimes I do & he's always supportive. He's so kind I'm still amazed by that. He lives between two states & travels back & forth. He's hundreds of miles away right now but he's still supportive. Idk where he & I will go...relationship wise...& I've told him that...& he understands. He said he wants to be in my life as long as I want him in my life. My H has told me he is obsessed with me. & that kinda scares me. What if he kills me? I'm ok with dying...never really been afraid of that transition...but my kids? If I'm gone who's going to protect them? What if he kills himself? That's no good...I don't want him to die...& this time he's doing things & saying things that have me worried for him. Sometimes I wonder if I have that PPST? Idk if I'm using the right acronym but i hope you understand what I mean. Edited March 18, 2015 by Confusion_Reigns 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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