Husbands cheating & how that affects my OM

[Raines]

I'm not looking for sympathy or approval...or even understanding.

 

Yes the kids wellbeing is the most important & that's why I'm not making my H leave yet...or why I'm not walking out the door yet...they have enought to deal with right now & I'm not going to add to that.

 

Fyi- I told my H to leave & he refuses.

 

 

You don't get to tell him anything. Its his home too.

 

 

And you both cheated. So get a divorce, and decide through the divorce proceedings who will leave the marital home and get half the equity in it from the other.

[carhill]

From the OM's perspective, this brings up a salient point, especially relevant to OP's revelation that she discusses few if any aspects of her M with OM. The machinations back and forth regarding the very important issues of what's best for the children, who will or won't leave, etc, etc, all look like waffling and wasted time to him. Sure, he might be understanding and supportive but there's a boundary to that, especially if he's left in the dark about issues relevant to his stake and role in matters.

 

OP, I'm mentioning this because of the focus of your thread, that being how H's cheating and the fallout from that affects your OM. I presume, and perhaps missed a direct reference to you telling him about that. When you stated you tend to not share aspects of your M with him, I did wonder which aspects were shared.

 

I would tend to advocate for balance and to, as appropriate, focus on your plans which include him in your life, and then working that plan. Match actions with words. If H is to be feared, OK, accept that and work it. There are methods of dealing with that and it's nothing new. Most men have the ability to inspire fear and perform fearsome and gruesome acts on others. It's part of who we are. The vast majority of us do nothing. The work is to make a determination and act on it and let OM observe that you are acting to move things forward.

 

On last thing.... work out in your mind whether OM really does matter to you or is a man of the moment and you are happy to matter to him. This is the infidelity version of 'letting him love you'. There is a difference and it's an important one moving forward.

 

If I were currently in your situation I'd probably hook up again with the guy who did our MC and get some tools to manage fear, clarify my next steps and delineate between the competing emotions of fear/loathing of H, love/attachment/attraction to OM, best interests of children and personal well-being. Separate out the issues and work each one. If this all feels like a jumble right now, that's OK! It'll work out. You have choices and the work is making ones which you believe are in yours and your children's best interest. The guys, OM and H, will survive. Men have been surviving since the beginning of time. No worries.

Edited March 18, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Confusion_Reigns]

Thank you...

 

I didn't know how much was appropriate to share with my OM. I don't want to be even more disrespectful to my marriage than I already am being...& I tell him I don't want *us* to be about *that*...I'm not sure if that makes sense.

 

He told me before that he obviously can't really know what's going on in my marriage...& he just wants the best for me...he also said that he can't be the reason why I end my marriage. He's right he can't be the reason & he isn't the reason.

 

I also do not really know what's going on in his life...if he meets someone single...& so I just can't act like we are really together as I don't beleive that's fair to him.

 

I'm working my plan. It just takes time. He knows where I stand on all of this & why I'm doing what im doing. He says he understands...but never said he agrees.

 

Adding: if my OM does met someone else or if he decides he can't wait I'll just have to accept that as it is.

Edited March 18, 2015 by Confusion_Reigns

[Clay]

I know you have probably heard this a thousand times but I think you just have to leave to learn to be with yourself. Learn to focus on what is going on in your life. Don't get me wrong but how can you have any kind of serious meaningful relationship in the future with all this up in the air in your mind. It sounds like you have been through alot but clearly your not innocent of the bad things as well.

 

I would get your kids and get away from your H. I would suggest you live alone for a while. I would put your OM out of your mind all together. Sure things are all wonderful with him now but how can you really have any kind of a significant future with him while he is still a part of your past. You not only will have to deal with trust issues you will have to deal with abuse and violence. I am not saying the OM will do either of those things but you know it will still be on your mind.

 

Get out of this mess as soon as you possibly can and focus on you and your kids. Then when the time is right start new with someone else.

[ladydesigner]

But I know I have to get out of this marriage asap. I'm not really sure what I'm asking for...I don't want to discuss my marriage...has anyone experienced similar? Would you share?

 

Gently if you know you have to get out of the M, and trust me I know how hard it is sometimes I am currently stuck with a serial cheat, then I would at least start making goals to get out. Make your exit plans now. I would also focus on your kids well being over anything else as well. They come first.

 

Your situation just sounds awful. Both parties cheating on each other and it seems neither of you care to be respectful to each other anymore, there is not much left to save.

[Lion Heart]

Thanks again for your thoughts.

 

I guess it all boils down to being afraid. Of lots of things & my own beliefs of providing for the kids. Lots of FOO issues for me & my H...& unresolved issues between him & I...unhealed wounds.

 

It's been years since hit hit me or choked me. Which is good. He neve did any of the physical stuff in front of the kids...which is good. & beleive it or not he's been a great daddy to them.

 

I am where I was two years ago, still spinning my wheels because I'm stalling. Waiting for them to be adults.

 

When I've tried to address the issues between me & my H...well, it always deteriorats to him yelling blaming me slamming things around...which inspires fear in me & I **** down...and/or weeping & needing comfort from me & that's making me shut down too.

 

I try not talk to my OM about my marriage...but sometimes I do & he's always supportive. He's so kind I'm still amazed by that. He lives between two states & travels back & forth. He's hundreds of miles away right now but he's still supportive. Idk where he & I will go...relationship wise...& I've told him that...& he understands. He said he wants to be in my life as long as I want him in my life.

 

My H has told me he is obsessed with me. & that kinda scares me. What if he kills me? I'm ok with dying...never really been afraid of that transition...but my kids? If I'm gone who's going to protect them? What if he kills himself? That's no good...I don't want him to die...& this time he's doing things & saying things that have me worried for him.

 

Sometimes I wonder if I have that PPST? Idk if I'm using the right acronym but i hope you understand what I mean.

 

Confusion, now I understand why you're confused.

 

From the outside looking in by your snapshots, it's a no brainer that this relationship is done with your H. I'm not quite sure WHY you would even try to reconcile with him when each of you are quite obviously embroiled in affairs. Have major issues that go unaddressed yada yada forever ( IF you let them!!!).

 

Even you attempting to make any moves to reconcile is crazy, right?

 

I am glad you've opened up more here. It's helped me at least "get" where you're coming from.

 

As far as I can see you are wasting a hellovalot of energy in the situation you're in. Ofcourse it's fear that's paralyzing you BUT it is a continually hopeless situation. Why fear a far more hopeFULL life? Anywhere else on earth?

 

If I were you I'd write EVERY single fear down. Sometimes these things lose alot of power when they're in black and white.

Next to each fear write a series of possible solutions.

 

I'm sorry but your Hs threats of suicide are quite frankly not your responsibility. I sound tough but in reality that's the rub.

You staying he wants to commit suicide. You leaving he wants to too.

 

There are alot of major issues you BOTH have but it's as plain as day that if it's been going on for YEARS with no progress but disintegration of your relationship, what on earth are you doing?

 

Sell the house. Move on. Divorce. In ANY ORDER.

I'm out.

 

Lion Heart.

[MJJean]

If you're worried about the kids and your safety, get a place to live set up and then file for divorce. In the filing ask for full physical and shared legal custody. This way your H cannot lay a finger on the kids or make them do anything. Leave when your husband isn't home, have him served the papers the same day, and be done with it.

[Confusion_Reigns]

Things are hard. Understandably. I'm feeling like a very ugly person right now. My h knows that I want out and I know he wants for us to stay together. He's being charming right now. Nice. Whatever. I don't believe this act of his. We've been here too many times before & I know what's happening. He'll be nice until I let my guard down and then he's mean side will come out again.

 

My OM....I feel like such a horrible woman to him or for him..I feel so ugly inside...& I don't have any idea how he can love me.